Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to plan on walking out of work at 1.30 on Friday?

500 replies

PennyHasNoSurname · 09/12/2015 06:25

Its my daughters Nativity, her first one.

This week sees the implementation of a project at work that I am massively involved in. All.of my week is spent on training and development and we "go live" Friday.

As soon as I found out the Nativity date I spoke with my line manager about getting away at 1.30 on Friday, for it, and offered to return after it til whenever I was needed. Our industry is 365 days a year, 24 hrs a day. I am rostered to work til 3.30pm.

It was not well received, and I have been told "this really isnt the best week for this" and my direct line manager has cancelled a lunch date with her own friends on that day.

AIBU or WIBU to remain insistant that I need to leave at 1.30, and to feel that my reason is more important than a lunch date with a friend?

WWYD? Would you leave?

Fwiw I would not be leaving the place understaffed, I am surplus this week as dedicated solely to the new project. We also have tech support in all week and they are there Fri purely for troubleshooting after going live.

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/12/2015 12:35

Why don't you offer to swap and do the late shift, or come in over the weekend instead? This close to Christmas they will probably bite your hand off.

Somehow I think you want it both ways though....

DontOpenDeadInside · 09/12/2015 12:41

Hi, I've not read the whole thread so sorry if repeating, but are there no more showings? My friend has a ds in another class to my dd and his showing is in the afternoon when my friend is at work, so she's coming to my dds showing (her ds is in it also) on the morning.

Daisysbear · 09/12/2015 12:43

I actually wonder if some of the respondents on here have ever actually worked in a typical workplace. This idea that you're 'entitled' to the time off because you've asked for it, or that you can just walk out because your family mean more to you than your job, or that a nativity play is automatically more important than other staff's private lives, sounds very naïve and out of touch to me.

ExConstance · 09/12/2015 12:44

If you have been there long enough to have employment protection the guidelines are a written warning for unauthorised leave. I run a care service and from time to time we have staff who decide to do this sort of thing, or to go on holiday when refused leave. We have a large HR consultancy advise us on disciplinary matters and providing you have no recent history of disciplinary proceedings that is all that would be likely to happen. I find it very frustrating!

harshbuttrue1980 · 09/12/2015 12:53

Being a working mum is a choice people can make, and there are pros and cons with it. Your children will live in a nice home, have nice things and be able to experience life with interesting holidays and weekend activities. You will also be more likely to be able to financially support them through uni, or will be able to give them money for a deposit for a flat when they are older. They will also have a role model of an independent woman.

On the other side of the coin, they won't have a parent to see their milestones like the nativity play, and when they are on their school holidays they will see more of a childcarer than they do of you. They may feel second to your work sometimes, and will feel sad that you aren't around as much.

And, whatever you choose, they will hate you for it when they're teenagers, and come to accept your decisions when they are adults. You can only do your best, and shouldn't upset yourself if it isn't possible to be at the play.

Sallycinnamum · 09/12/2015 12:53

If one if my team said they were leaving without me agreeing there would be serious repercussions.

That said, I would always try to approve leave for family reasons anyway but not if it was crucial project launch.

Sallycinnamum · 09/12/2015 12:56

Actually harsh for many women it isn't a choice to work and I wondered how long it would take for this to turn into an anti working mother thread.

OnlyLovers · 09/12/2015 12:56

I agree with you, Daisys.

OnlyLovers · 09/12/2015 12:57

harsh, do you think all the same things apply to working dads?

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 09/12/2015 12:58

Gah, OP, that sounds shitty for you (and your DC). I really hope you can find a way to be there.

My mum was never there, because of work. Often my grandma was, but sometimes there was no one. I always noticed, I always cared, and I suppose I still do care because I so desperately don't want to do that to DS. Like others, I chose my employer based on exactly this kind of thing - the same job in the private sector would easily earn me 50% more than I'm on now, but I don't want to have to routinely prioritise work over family and that would be the trade-off. Like OP, I'm not a consultant surgeon or an air traffic controller. I agree with what MrsDeVere said a few pages back about manufactured stress in many workplaces. I think what I do matters, socially, but I don't think it's urgent. I suspect this is true for most people.

Your boss cancelling a lunch date is not at all comparable and I'm surprised that anyone on this thread is insisting otherwise. I've frequently cancelled lunch dates due to work pressures, I've had friends cancel on me for the same reason. It's reasonable and understandable, it's only upsetting in fairly exceptional circumstances and even then, adults have far greater capacity to appreciate that it can't be helped.

OP, I'd take all the advice offered here - push your line manager again, go more senior if you don't get anywhere, offer the compromises of working early/late/being contactable while you're at the nativity. Arrange extended family to go as plan B if possible, and keep negotiating right up until that afternoon.
And if you still get nowhere, well, only you know what it will mean if you throw a sickie or just walk out on the day, in your workplace. If I thought I could get away with it (and sorry, but there are still places where you can), and I'd already tried all the alternatives, I'd have no moral qualms about walking out and facing the slapped wrist when I got back.

And if you really can't, there will be other nativities. Flowers Agree that the school should have given more notice, and more options. But missing it one year, even the first year, really isn't quite the same in the end as missing it year after year after year.

Iggi999 · 09/12/2015 12:59

harshbuttrue what a massive overgeneralisation, and written from a position of massive privilege.

Funinthesun15 · 09/12/2015 13:01

I'd have no moral qualms about walking out and facing the slapped wrist when I got back.

It could certainly be more than a 'slapped wrist'. In my place of work it would be final written warning and being put on probation territory.

Especially if it was an important project to etc.

NerrSnerr · 09/12/2015 13:04

I can't believe some people are suggesting she just goes. I work in a job that is quite flexible but I can't make an event at nursery next week as I have something at work I must do. That's life.

Floggingmolly · 09/12/2015 13:06

Is your DH also planning on "just walking out" on Friday too, op? If not, why not? Could it be that he'd lose all credibility at work and would probably never be taken seriously again?
Of all days to put your family first, the day your project goes live has got to be the worst.
Unfortunate clash, of course. But it's just bad luck.

NerrSnerr · 09/12/2015 13:06

I also agree with what Iggi said. Harsh some of us have to work, it's not a choice for all.

Daisysbear · 09/12/2015 13:07

Nell I agree that work-life balance is really important, and I hate the current trend for longer and longer working hours, people showing off about the long hours they work, staff being contactable 24/7 etc etc. I really hate it.

But equally I don't think it's unreasonable, on a particularly stressful and busy day, that sees the culmination of a long project, to expect that the team all pull their weight. Obviously, if her child was seriously ill, or she had a parent undergoing seriously surgery that day, there would be definite grounds for saying 'to hell with work. My family come first'.

But just abandoning ship at short notice to attend your child's nativity play, by either walking out or throwing a sickie, is unfair on everyone. It is not only working mothers who have important things going on outside of work, most people do. And most people, including most working mothers, sometimes have to grit their teeth and accept that an important outside occasion clashes with a vital work occasion, and they just cannot have the time off.

And while throwing a sickie mightn't result in any immediate consequences, it could have long term consequences which would impact quite profoundly on OP's family. eg if she is marked as dishonest and unreliable and loses out on promotions or is considered expendable when cuts are being made, her child might end up having to suffer far greater sacrifices than not having their mum at the nativity play.

flowery · 09/12/2015 13:08

"Being a working mum is a choice people can make, and there are pros and cons with it. Your children will live in a nice home, have nice things and be able to experience life with interesting holidays and weekend activities."

Um. Hate to burst your bubble, but for most people working is a necessity, not a choice, and the main benefit for their children is a roof over their head and food on the table, not "interesting holidays and weekend activities"!

Babyroobs · 09/12/2015 13:09

Can you get your partner or parents to go to the nativity instead and video it? My own kids school always seems to produce a DVD of every show/ play they do nowadays. Obviously it's not the same as being there in person.

shutupandshop · 09/12/2015 13:09

I don't think your BU but will it effect your position?

I was at dd3's nativity recently and generally the children look for their people in the audience. One little girl was fighting the tears as she couldn't see anyone. Very sad to see.

Can a grandparent or father go?

MrsTrentReznor · 09/12/2015 13:14

Daisy the reason I get what I want is because I have never given an alternative here.
I used to be a quiet little mouse that got given the short straw every single time.
It's frustrating to see collegues that speak out given holidays when there is a ban on time off, to be given the shifts that work around them and inconvenience you. People getting away with doing little whilst you work even harder to pick up the slack.
I decided that I would no longer take that kind of crap, and found very quickly that things went my way. I have the respect of my managers, and don't get walked over. If I am going to be absent during something important, I put in the hours around it to make sure things still go smoothly.
The OP should definitely try to move her lunch/work late the night before/pull in some favours.
Other people's holidays and circumstances don't enter my mind any more. If I left here tomorrow I'd never see these people again, so honestly, why should it matter?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 09/12/2015 13:14

Do you have annual leave that you could take for either the whole day or a half day? It's still possible that your manager will refuse you the time off.

Also, if you keep requesting it, your manager may eventually give in (to pester power) but will note it that when it came to the crunch, surplus to requirements or not, you weren't a team player. It could come back to bite you on the bum big time in appraisals to come.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 09/12/2015 13:14

*I'd have no moral qualms about walking out and facing the slapped wrist when I got back.

It could certainly be more than a 'slapped wrist'. In my place of work it would be final written warning and being put on probation territory.

Especially if it was an important project to etc.*

Sure. That's why I began that sentence with "if I thought I could get away with it". Only OP knows the reality of this in her particular workplace.

In mine, I'd expect a written warning and because I want promotion (fairly soon, too) I wouldn't personally risk it. I know plenty of places would deem it gross insubordination and sack her on the spot. But I think there's some moralising pearl-clutching going on in this thread, which is what I wanted to offer a different viewpoint from.

She might get sacked. She might not. Her manager might hate her - she (OP) may or may not care. Her colleagues may resent it - or they may be wholly on her side and somewhat indignant that she's not already been allowed the leave. None of us actually know any of this, because not all workplaces are the same.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 09/12/2015 13:14

Bold fail.

Daisysbear · 09/12/2015 13:16

"moralising pearl-clutching "

I haven't seen any pearl clutching. Most people are just pointing out the realities and also trying to explain things from the manager and colleagues' point of view.

Damselindestress · 09/12/2015 13:17

I know it would be upsetting to miss the nativity but it would be worse to jeopardise your job just before Christmas! I would plead your case again with the manager and explain how important this is to you but not walk out without their explicit permission, especially at such an important time. You can't just go AWOL on the day an important project goes live. You could at best lose respect within the workplace and at worst lose your job.