to plan on walking out of work at 1.30 on Friday?

[PennyHasNoSurname]

Its my daughters Nativity, her first one.

This week sees the implementation of a project at work that I am massively involved in. All.of my week is spent on training and development and we "go live" Friday.

As soon as I found out the Nativity date I spoke with my line manager about getting away at 1.30 on Friday, for it, and offered to return after it til whenever I was needed. Our industry is 365 days a year, 24 hrs a day. I am rostered to work til 3.30pm.

It was not well received, and I have been told "this really isnt the best week for this" and my direct line manager has cancelled a lunch date with her own friends on that day.

AIBU or WIBU to remain insistant that I need to leave at 1.30, and to feel that my reason is more important than a lunch date with a friend?

WWYD? Would you leave?

Fwiw I would not be leaving the place understaffed, I am surplus this week as dedicated solely to the new project. We also have tech support in all week and they are there Fri purely for troubleshooting after going live.

I've read precisely zero responses to the op, but I'm struggling to think of many things more short-sighted, twattish and weak than refusing leave for a parent to attend something that's a big (and rare) deal to them.

If I did that, my stakeholders would quite rightly think I was a cock.

If something went wrong with the huge launch that the OP was responsible for and they weren't there then I know who the stakeholders would think was a cocktail!

It's these little things that really matter and are remembered by children.

Not always it isn't no. I don't remember nor do my siblings nor my friends that I asked about it.

As a parent I always tried to get to such things; as a manager I always tried to be flexible about such things.

I had one of my team who turned up hours late on project go live date, with no advance warning. Afterwards they told me why, and had I known about it in advance it may have been something we could have negotiated around. However, they simply 'walked out' and I took formal disciplinary action. Be careful OP.

It's these little things that really matter and are remembered by children....

I guess how much it matters varies from child to child. DS1 was certainly delighted that both DH and I could come to his first nativity this week - his teacher had to pull him to one side and tell him to calm down because he kept loudly telling everyone that his mummy and daddy were here and pointing us out.

But, at the end of the day, us being able to afford to keep a roof over his head and put his meals on the table are more important for his welfare than us going to all his school events. We'll do our best to make sure that at least one of us can get to important school events, but if a manager says no, it's not worth jeopardizing our jobs over it.

But, at the end of the day, us being able to afford to keep a roof over his head and put his meals on the table are more important for his welfare than us going to all his school events. We'll do our best to make sure that at least one of us can get to important school events, but if a manager says no, it's not worth jeopardizing our jobs over it.

^^ this

But the thing is lynette on a Different day with different pressures ops dh might have
been told no and op might have been told yes. It's not as black and white as you're making it out to be ie one manager good, other manager bad. It often depends on what's happening in work on the day in question.

I'm glad I didn't have some of you as colleagues while my child was at primary school.

I guess I was very lucky. It was a frontline service but we all pulled together and tried to cover for team mates whenever asked. But it only worked because there was no hierarchy of need. It didn't matter whether you had young children or not and cover was shared so that it didn't always fall to the same people. If someone did cover for you, it was seen as a favour, not a right and you were expected to reciprocate.

Anyone who behaved as if their needs trumped everyone else's (and it did occasionally happen with new staff) was politely told to fuck right off and back again.

Primary school is a long haul so I recommend treating your workmates with a bit of respect and consideration. Thanks to my colleauges, I think I only missed one school event

That's how it is where I work as well. People will bend over backwards if someone has an ill parent or spouse, a bereavement, an important exam or something to attend at their child's school. But there's no question of parents having a special claim to flexibility. It's for everyone.

And there are certain occasions where no leave can be granted unless it's for something critical. Everyone understands that.

Floisme and Daisysbear,

Exactly. If the OP's DH has an Ofsted inspection at work today, then whether he was given permission or not, it will be an 'all hands to the pump' day, and everyone will understand that it's not an occasion on which normal flexibility applies.

Equally, the OP's workplace may have been entirely flexible on 364 days a year, but not on this particular 'go live' Friday.

The 'give' in 'give and take' means IME that all employees respect this, and in return they are able to 'take' some flexibility when they need it.

I'm pleased to hear from the TA's and teachers who have understanding schools and SMTs who let them work flexibly if really important. Both my parents were teachers and it definitely wasn't the case for them! Hoorah for the OP's DH being able to go.

OP, hope the launch is going incredibly smoothly and everyone is just sitting back and eating mince pies by 12.30pm and you make the nativity too.

I think the ofsted analogy is a good one teacherwith2kids as perhaps it may help some people who seem to think that just because OP works in an office somehow the manager can magic up back up personnel from nowhere with little notice without any impact to the smooth running of operations.

The implementation may run smoothly, in which case I do hope OP has the opportunity to go, but no-one knows until it goes in and the manager as well as OP was somewhere between a rock and a hard place on the request. The only wrong-footing that she ( I think it was a she?) did was valuing the Op's DD's first nativity on a par with a lunch out.

OP hope you get to go, but if not I'm sure your DH will take lots of pictures and there will be lots of future events for you to negotiate your attendance at.

I don't think she necessarily valued them the same rookie. Just said it as part of a conversation explaining why it had to be all hands on deck today.

"I would forever hold a grudge against a manager who didn't let me go."

Good grief!

Maybe she didn't say the nativity and lunch out where the same daisybear but it might have been better to avoid mentioning it in a conversation with the OP as that is certainly the implication I would take from it.

Hang on a sec - I thought the "parent attending" thing had been sorted out with the father (happily) securing time off to go?

So now it's not about the DD being distressed, but more about OP's determination to be there, and if it's not possible she worries about "forever holding a grudge" ??

Oh dear, oh dear ...

"So now it's not about the DD being distressed, but more about OP's determination to be there"

If you read the OP, it has always been about the OP wanting to be there, and not at all about her child being distressed - that was suggested by other posters.

The only wrong-footing that she ( I think it was a she?) did was valuing the Op's DD's first nativity on a par with a lunch out.

Again - the manager's lunch might be as important to her as the Nativity is to the OP. She could have thought like some people on this thread, that it didn't matter if she wasn't there, someone else would cover for her. But instead she's chosen to stay to support her team, even if she isn't immediately essential.

The difference between a hardened adult and a child full of hope is that the adult has felt and seen many disappointments and has hardened to avoid looking forward to sharing/expecting others to share happy experiences " Its only a nativity" is an adults point of view, and not the view of the young children performing the play One day that young child may have that same view, but at this point, it is a special occasion and I understand you feeling you would love to be there to treasure this time in your child's life.
If you can't make it due to a difficult employer, so be it, you can wise up your child prior so they dont get hopes up, but focus on how much you cant wait to see them after to hear all about it , so they know you do understand that it is special to them For example,maybe make a special supper to celebrate after work

While it may not be the end of the world, it seems rather inflexible of your employer to not even discuss other ways you can make up the time, and meet deadlines Is there a chance you can arrange to get someone to video some of it for you, so you can play the video when you get back home with your child

The difference between a hardened adult and a child full of hope is that the adult has felt and seen many disappointments and has hardened to avoid looking forward to sharing/expecting others to share happy experiences

I'm expecting to meet some friends for a meal before Christmas, some of whom I haven't seen for a year. As a 'hardened adult' am I not allowed to be looking forward to it, or be disappointed if for some reason I can't go? As a 'hardened adult' am I not supposed to want or expect adult friends to share or celebrate my achievements or special occasions with me, or to share theirs with them? Sounds like a miserable way to live.

How can she make up the time? It's today that she's needed. And calling her Manager difficult is unfair

The launch doesn't end at 3.30pm Her manager is being inflexible From 1.30-3.30 i find it difficult to believe the manager is unable to arrange suitable cover, as the OP is surplus staff What about allowing her to work through breaks, come back later for those two hours or come in earlier , or juggle staff There is always a way with a creative manager that is family friendly and it is likely employees will stay longer and work harder for that type of employer

the OP is surplus staff

For the time prior to the launch as she is doing work associated with it. Not on the actual day.

If you read the OP, it has always been about the OP wanting to be there, and not at all about her child being distressed

Yes, you're right - I guess that, after dealing with this sort of insistence myself and rarely seeing it end well, I was just trying to look on the bright side

I bet she's still in work now.

I haven't read all of this, but as a recently retired project manager who worked implementations across the UK I missed many, many nativity plays and other events that my grandchildren were involved in.

Do they remember I wasn't there? No. But I do, and as an older person looking back over life I can tell you that these are times you never ever get back. It's not always about whether children know or remember, it's about your own memories of your precious children and grandchildren too.