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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to plan on walking out of work at 1.30 on Friday?

500 replies

PennyHasNoSurname · 09/12/2015 06:25

Its my daughters Nativity, her first one.

This week sees the implementation of a project at work that I am massively involved in. All.of my week is spent on training and development and we "go live" Friday.

As soon as I found out the Nativity date I spoke with my line manager about getting away at 1.30 on Friday, for it, and offered to return after it til whenever I was needed. Our industry is 365 days a year, 24 hrs a day. I am rostered to work til 3.30pm.

It was not well received, and I have been told "this really isnt the best week for this" and my direct line manager has cancelled a lunch date with her own friends on that day.

AIBU or WIBU to remain insistant that I need to leave at 1.30, and to feel that my reason is more important than a lunch date with a friend?

WWYD? Would you leave?

Fwiw I would not be leaving the place understaffed, I am surplus this week as dedicated solely to the new project. We also have tech support in all week and they are there Fri purely for troubleshooting after going live.

OP posts:
Shutthatdoor · 10/12/2015 18:24

it's a once in a lifetime thing that you will never forgive yourself for missing.

A little bit melodramatic.

Is the OP going to insist she is at every first her DC have?

Parents have to miss things for different reasons.

This is a hugely important day for her work.

Funinthesun15 · 10/12/2015 18:27

I can't imagine it being an issue but if it is its not somewhere I would want to work!

Do you expect work to say yes to every request every person makes?

It isn't possible or reasonable to expect them to.

This isn't a normal working day for the OP work.

NoSquirrels · 10/12/2015 18:28

To those questioning whether the OP's partner/father of DC is going, she said upthread that he's a Teaching Assistant, so he can't have the time off (probably wrangling his own nativity stuff.)

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/12/2015 18:32

Barring cases where an entire office / department is made redundant, how hard you work really does affect your chances of being made redundant

Absolutely true, and while many issues relating to family are rightly protected, it's rarely just about the one thing. IME an employee unable to appreciate a genuine business need will often be the same one who constantly asks others to help out without necessarily being prepared to do the same (and I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thought of the poor b**gers this falls on so often!!)

Nor is it always just the two hours or whatever; once granted the request it becomes "Oh, and I'll need to get there a bit before to get a seat" ... then "Sorry I was late back, someone blocked me in" ... and "no, I can't make the time up today; my child got upset after all the excitement and needs me" and so it goes on

As for pulling a sickie - please, just don't go there

Thankfulforeveryday · 10/12/2015 18:38

I missed a few of my DD's due to work. When she did ask about it, I lied, "yes sweetheart I was at the back I waved, didn't you see me" "you were amazing!"
Horrid to lie but she seemed fine with it and saved her feelings!

Notonthestairs · 10/12/2015 18:38

Going to Lea's example this is where is all goes wrong for women. If more men felt able (or were prepared) to take longer stretches of paternity leave then often we'd be in a position to go back earlier. It needs to be the norm not the unusual.
Plus as described it sounded like the women in that example had committed not just to a particular project but to not have a child for 5 years. That's a bloody long time if (say) you are in your 30's. Men dont have to make the same commitment because they dont take the equivalent time off.

Then we get whammed for "leaving it too late".

In any event I dont think that the example is particualry relevant here as Op is planning a two hour absence not a three month one.

Op - I hope the project is going swimmingly and you are able to leave tomorrow but if you don't get authorisation I really dont think you should leave.

MultishirkingAgain · 10/12/2015 18:39

Is the OP going to insist she is at every first her DC have?

First time her DC has sex Grin Shock

Really, it is just a school nativity play. There will be others. Endlessly

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/12/2015 18:40

NoSquirrels

Thanks for that. So a TA is unable to take time off a week before the kids break up (who in my mind could be easily replaced for an afternoon, but of course I'm probably wrong) yet OP who's presence seems to be important on such a rare and special day should be given time off.
This is all very strange.

I wonder what would happen in reverse. Partner /OH being the female TA and OP being the male.

NoSquirrels · 10/12/2015 18:47

People who work in school (teachers, TAs, dinner ladies, office admin staff etc.) have term-time contracts that mean their holidays are dictated by being in school holidays - this is one of the perks/restrictions of the job.

So no, her DH can't get time off.

OP's job means that usually she could request and get a couple of hours off for a nativity play/school event. Just this week her project launch day coincides with it, so it is mighty inconvenient.

Her manager could decide to be accommodating, but equally operationally it may not be possible.

I really REALLY don't think this is a sexism issue, just a working parent job -vs-family clash.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/12/2015 18:53

Ok, thanks Squirrels

All I know is that if DH's team member walked off after being told they can't go on launch day they'd be in big trouble. Big effing trouble. Regardless of gender or whatnot.
(Wasn't trying to make it a sexist issue, just thinking of the set ups I'm more familiar with in terms of who works where. Sorry if it came out wrong!)

Floggingmolly · 10/12/2015 18:59

He's a Teaching Assistant, so he can't have the time off. What's the significance of this? Op is a project manager and she can't get the time off either.
But it's only op who will remember not attending the Nativity with great wailing and gnashing of teeth... Why?

RaspberryOverload · 10/12/2015 19:07

Notonthestairs

The women in LeaLeander's post were not expected to commit to 5 years before having children, she wrote:

Where I work two women were hired a couple of years ago

Puts a different perspective on it, for me.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/12/2015 19:08

Molly

The significance is that of OP can't make it then it would be nice for her DD if dad went. Or grandma or someone. It doesn't always have to be the mum who goes and watches the play!

But it's nice if someone does, for the child's sake.
It is a bit sad if nobody goes. That's all. Was trying to figure out where dad is all in this. And I also wonder if he feels guilty about not being able to go like OP does.

teacherwith2kids · 10/12/2015 19:11

IME, a TA who is not a 1:1 for a specific child, and is not an HLTA covering a class, might well be able to get time off for something like this - less flexibility for teachers, but many schools are happy to reward the fact that the vast majority of TAs go over and above what their job requires (especially at this time of year, when they often do come to evening performances etc) with a little flexibility on a Friday afternoon, especially a Friday afternoon near Christmas where there might well be more 'whole class / year group' activities rather than focused teaching in class, very focused interventions led by TAs etc.

But agree with Flogginmolly that the OP is the one wailing about 'First this and that', while the child's dad seems sufficiently sanguine not to have bothered even asking..

clam · 10/12/2015 19:13

"People who work in school (teachers, TAs, dinner ladies, office admin staff etc.) have term-time contracts that mean their holidays are dictated by being in school holidays - this is one of the perks/restrictions of the job."

"So no, her DH can't get time off."

I'm a teacher and I'm very pleased to be able to report that this isn't necessarily the case. My HT believes it's vital to staff morale to work out a way of covering people in order that they can attend their own children's special events. So, I've been given a few hours off on the last day of term to collect my ds from the airport (been studying abroad for 4 months) because, as she said, it's no less important to me than others who want to see their little ones in Nativities. And if we don't look after each other, what else have we got?

Am SO grateful!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/12/2015 19:16

FWIW in our family I tend to go to the dress rehearsals (because of younger siblings) and will go to one evening Christmas play (DS4's) because MIL is able to look after the kids as DH is away that night with work.
He is going tomorrow to see DS5's xmas thing, MIL went this morning.
DH can't see DS4's xmas show as he is away both days of it next week. He is taking DD for her one and only xmas party at playgroup and I will miss most of it because I choose to go to my WW meeting that is very important to me and don't want to miss it.
Oh and DS4's afternoon xmas show will be attended by his godfather. Which means each and every time someone is there to support whichever kid.
But it isn't always me. And if nobody could go I'd want my children to understand that sometimes things don't always work out. A good lesson to learn.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/12/2015 19:24

Oh and there were quite a few sports days that nobody could go. We asked classmates mums and dads to cheer our children on for us. The children understood the reasons why we could not go and I don't remember feeling guilty for having a nap instead of getting soaked after pulling an all nighter with teething baby.
(But maybe that's because I had the luxury of choosing to go or not)

clam · 10/12/2015 19:26

What is the school's policy on filming events? If it's still allowed (and some schools will allow it), could you ask a friend to film your dd and then watch it back together later, with her talking you through it as to who's who and so forth.

Floggingmolly · 10/12/2015 19:30

It doesn't always have to be the mum who goes and watches the play!
Well precisely, Zing, I understand that perfectly well.
But the Dad can't go either, but apparently he'll just have to suck it up and shrug off the disappointment, whereas it'll be a lifelong crown of thorns for op to wear...
It's a strange perspective, that's all.

coslisa · 10/12/2015 19:42

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I would go to the nativity, I think they are being unreasonable not to let you out for an hour and a half. You can save up your lunch break and start your lunch break at 1.30 (so if you get 30mins you only owe them 1hr, you could go back to work after and make up the time, so work until 4.30, you could work later or start earlier every other shift up to that day). Lunch with friends is entirely different to anything going on with your child, support is extremely important for children and even if they don't remember you being there in years to come, they will look into the crowd to see if you are there and you will remember being there. If you feel it's something you would regret not seeing then it's an easy choice. I always say on my death bed I won't be saying I wish I'd done more hours at work or I wish I hoovered more often!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/12/2015 19:45

Molly I'm with you on that. That's why I was wondering what the dad is doing.
The TAs I know have some wiggle room for things like this.

DH feels bad he can't see DS4 at all. But he has no choice on those particular days.

Notonthestairs · 10/12/2015 19:46

Raspberry - if thats the case I read it wrong, apologises.
I still think men should divy up paternity leave where poss. Their careers can be unaffected by having a family . I think I was (and am) posting off topic anyway...
As you were.

Funinthesun15 · 10/12/2015 19:52

Lunch with friends is entirely different to anything going on with your child, support is extremely important for children

Depends what the lunch was for. It may have been for something specific.

Having children does not trump everyone else. Others despite what people think Do actually have important things going on in their lives too.

pollymere · 10/12/2015 19:52

If you are rostered on until 1530, I would point out that you are entitled to a lunch break and that you are happy to work any additional time missed afterwards. Sometimes it simply isn't possible on a project deadline and you just have to accept that or find a different job. However, unless 1330 is a timecritical point of going live, as for example an international launch all happening at once, I don't see that your request of leaving the office and making up the time later is an unreasonable one. It's certainly more honest than you just calling in sick! Take it higher if you need to, or talk to HR.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 10/12/2015 20:10

Fun

kids don't trump everything
Totally agree with you.
(Especially when they come between my Netflix & crochet hook!! Xmas Grin )