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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH reads paper while I make dinner every weekend. V pissed off. AIBU?

232 replies

lottytheladybird · 05/12/2015 21:13

DH works long hours during the week and so I do everything for the DC (3 and 5) and the house during the week, but think that it would be nice to have some help when DH is around. However, come the weekends, I still do all the cooking, house work and the looking after of the DC. I also do almost all of the getting up in the night, should my DC need me.

Here's how it goes at the weekends:
I get the children ready to go out. DH rarely helps. We go out, then when we return home, DH goes upstairs to catch up on sport on his phone, while I sort the children out with snacks and drinks. I then start cooking dinner straight away. At some point, DH comes back down, offers me a cup of tea while he makes himself one, then goes to read the paper in the lounge. I then cook dinner and get the DC ready for dinner once it's cooked. DH only emerges once dinner is pretty much on the table. He does however then do the washing up afterwards, but he says he'd rather do the washing up than tidy up the toys with the DC after dinner.

I got really annoyed with it all today. When I asked DH if he was going off to read the paper while I was preparing dinner, he said: "Yes, I need a rest". I said: "Well, so do I". He then said: "Well..." and walked off. After 40 minutes, I went into the lounge and said: I'm not making dinner all by myself again." This prompted him to get up and start shouting at me, accusing me of all sorts of untruths.

AIBU to be annoyed by this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
lottytheladybird · 06/12/2015 13:29

What a load - DH's mum thinks women are subservient to men. That should tell you what kind of up bringing he bringing he had.

OP posts:
SecretBondGirl · 06/12/2015 13:39

You need to LTB

OnlyLovers · 06/12/2015 13:55

I know DH's would judge me for them not getting presents and not him.

They can judge away. You can care, or not care.

he has the burden of having to financially support a whole family

The converse of this is that he is able to work outside the home because his wife is supporting him and HIS CHILDREN (one has to assume that he wanted to have them too) by working inside the home.

he has to work all the hours that god sends, and then to do housework at the weekend

He doesn't work all the hours God sends. The OP does because she, as the one who seems to have been put in charge of the kids, is 'on call' literally all the time. Overnight, the lot.

As someone else said, people without partners/children also have to work and then do their housework. It's hardly cruel and unusual, is it?

talkiinpeace · 06/12/2015 16:51

I am at the very back of the LTB queue
but your husband is an unreconstructed arse who seems to think that his kids will magically love him because .... well no reason
and that you will magically love him because - well no reason

love and respect need to be EARNED
get yourself up out of the doormat and show that you are worth earning
and teach your kids the same

HelenaDove · 06/12/2015 17:40

The fact that he broke the iron and ironing board in a rage shows that he has no qualms about getting violent to get his own way.

He is abusive.

My DH hates Christmas Hes never been a fan but will wrap presents even though he hates it. Hes better at it than i am so he does it while i write the gift tags and cards.

He wouldnt throw a strop over it and break anything. He cooks ....when hes up to it. Hes 65 so im guessing from a different generation than your husband OP. And the reason i said "when hes up to it" is because he has disabilities and still does more than your H OP.

FormerlyKnownasFK · 06/12/2015 18:19

You do know OP, that breaking things deliberately is a form of domestic abuse?

I still don't think YABU.

However, if I was you, I might call Women's Aid to discuss his rages and breaking things.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 06/12/2015 18:21

As always, a small incident is never the whole story.

Yes OP, he is abusive, but it may take you are while to accept this.

harshbuttrue1980 · 06/12/2015 18:22

My point is that it just doesn't sound like the fifties setup you have is working. He expects that, as he is working long hours to provide for your every need (including holidays and weekends away as you mentioned earlier), that you should then spend your time looking after his every need. You expect to not have to go to work but also to have his help around the house.

Maybe a more modern way would suit you both. Is there any reason why you can't get a job for a couple of days a week, as your children are at nursery? Was you staying at home for such a long time the choice of both of you? If you got a job, he could feel less stressed at bearing the burden of supporting you all. On the flipside, you could then expect more help around the house. be equal partners rather than provider and dependent. Sorry, but it does sound as if you want all the good things about being a homemaker but with none of the bad!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 06/12/2015 18:29
Hmm
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 06/12/2015 18:30

Of course she should still expect him to do his share at home.

Not "help her in the house"

HelenaDove · 06/12/2015 18:45

Handmaiden alert with a side order of victim blaming.

.....harsh do you really think he would step up if she took your advice. Because i think she would STILL be doing it all at home.

HelenaDove · 06/12/2015 18:45

How the fuck is it "help around the house" HE LIVES THERE

harshbuttrue1980 · 06/12/2015 18:57

HelenaDove, to use your mannerly phrasing, why the fuck shouldn't she earn some money to pay the mortgage SHE LIVES THERE?? In case you hadn't noticed, its 2015.

And, yes, I think he would step up if she went out to work and, if he didn't, then she would be fully justified in telling him to take a hike. As it stands, she doesn't contribute at all financially, he doesn't contribute at all to the running of the house. It sounds like a fifties nightmare, and I wouldn't want to be her OR him. It doesn't sound like either of them are happy with the arrangement. Why shouldn't the man and woman work as a team to share in the financial providing for the children, childcare and housework? It seems much healthier.

harshbuttrue1980 · 06/12/2015 18:59

And, as an alternative, if she went back to work, her wages could pay for a cleaner if neither of them are keen on housework - nothing wrong with that, and seems much better than squabbling about it.

HelenaDove · 06/12/2015 19:02

Just HER wages eh Harsh?

Bet you think only her wages should pay for the childcare as well.

And yep Course he would step up just like the bloke in this thread where they both work full time.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2523169-To-be-sick-of-DH-disengaging-at-weekends?pg=3

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 06/12/2015 19:02

Some people. .often men..enjoy working. And especially enjoy having someone looking after their kids while they do so and ideally cleaning up after them.

talkiinpeace · 06/12/2015 19:06

Lotty
You posted on AIBU so are - by definition - getting rather a hard time
BUT
please download the thread and read it in the cold light of day.

You are not a partner in a family relationship - you are a servant
your kids are not a source of satisfaction to their other parent

It may be that if you get up and grow a pair things may re-balance and set you up well : it does often happen
but if it does not, you need to look after you and your kids and hand him back to his Mum till he grows up

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/12/2015 19:18

Breaking the ironing board and iron in a fit of rage is bad. Very bad. Shouting at you in front of your parents is horrific.

Your reaction to it is frankly weird though:

I then had to replace the iron and ironing board and went back to ironing his bloody shirts

Eh? The normal reaction would be you shouting at him to grow the fuck up and to never ever speak to you like that ever again. You would never iron his shirts again. I would have unironed clothes until he bought a new iron and ironing board.

You seem to think he will now iron his shirts every now and then now. is a good result.

You are indeed the house slave. It seems that you know your place even you don't like it.

He is a bully. He bullies you very effectively. He has got himself a house slave.

What are you going to do about it?

Littlef00t · 06/12/2015 19:25

I think mid week you should bring up the weekend, and state that you don't get down time all week, and that you would appreciate DH doing dinner on Saturday but to avoid overtired kids if it could be done by X time it would make life easier. And please can he look after the kids for a couple of hours on Sunday while you have a bath or something.

State how you can see he values his time with the paper, but that you also appreciate time to relax.

HelenaDove · 06/12/2015 19:25

What did your parents say about the ironing board incident OP And it takes some strength to actually break an iron i would have thought. Very very bad.

HelenaDove · 06/12/2015 19:26

Did you also PAY to replace the iron and ironing board OP?

AnyFucker · 06/12/2015 19:33

any bloke that says the shitwork is "women's work" would not adjust his attitude if she was working

she would be working and doing the shitwork too

because she possesses a vagina

you are really thick if you haven't gathered that by reading this thread

Original poster
lottytheladybird · 06/12/2015 19:53

Harsh - It's a choice that we made together that I would be a SAHM. This was not our original plan, but like I said earliernin the thread, our DC1 has a disability, so things changed for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottytheladybird · 06/12/2015 19:55

Helena - My parents didn't say anything about the ironing incident. I guess they wanted to stay out of it. I bought the new iron and ironing board, but as I don't work, I don't think I can say I paid for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottytheladybird · 06/12/2015 19:59

So, today, DH actually asked if I wanted any help while I was making dinner. I accepted and he did a few things for me, then ironed his shirts in between, did the washing up afterwards and then the vacuuming as well! He is however not talking to me really. I thanked him for everything he did, but there was no warmth towards me.

OP posts: