DH reads paper while I make dinner every weekend. V pissed off. AIBU?

[lottytheladybird]

DH works long hours during the week and so I do everything for the DC (3 and 5) and the house during the week, but think that it would be nice to have some help when DH is around. However, come the weekends, I still do all the cooking, house work and the looking after of the DC. I also do almost all of the getting up in the night, should my DC need me.

Here's how it goes at the weekends:
I get the children ready to go out. DH rarely helps. We go out, then when we return home, DH goes upstairs to catch up on sport on his phone, while I sort the children out with snacks and drinks. I then start cooking dinner straight away. At some point, DH comes back down, offers me a cup of tea while he makes himself one, then goes to read the paper in the lounge. I then cook dinner and get the DC ready for dinner once it's cooked. DH only emerges once dinner is pretty much on the table. He does however then do the washing up afterwards, but he says he'd rather do the washing up than tidy up the toys with the DC after dinner.

I got really annoyed with it all today. When I asked DH if he was going off to read the paper while I was preparing dinner, he said: "Yes, I need a rest". I said: "Well, so do I". He then said: "Well..." and walked off. After 40 minutes, I went into the lounge and said: I'm not making dinner all by myself again." This prompted him to get up and start shouting at me, accusing me of all sorts of untruths.

AIBU to be annoyed by this situation?

harsh but true - No, I don't think my husband is getting an easy ride. I just don't think it's asking much to have a little helping hand with dinner at the weekends. He says he doesn't want to be told what to do, so doesn't help.

He sounds pretty horrid...does he shout at you a lot? Do you do everything just to keep the peace? Does he insist things are done to a certain standard?

Sorry, my suggestions were based on the idea that he would behave like an adult, but if he throws a hissy fit whenever he has to do anything himself, then I'm at a loss really. Sorry OP, it sounds rubbish.

"I wouldn't down tools because I wouldn't want my DC not to have Christmas dinner or for his entire family not to have presents."

I can understand you not wanting to risk your DC not having xmas dinner, but why on earth are you organising the presents for his family?! If it were me I'd be telling him and them that this is the last year you will be doing it and from next year onwards he's responsible for it. If he messes it up then on his head be it.

"I also do almost all the correspondence with his family, whether it's about presents or getting together or whatever else."
WHY!? Dear god this is so frustrating. We need a MN "bang head on wall" emoticon.

"He will be shit at putting the kids to bed UNTIL HE GETS SOME PRACTICE. again, you must leave him to it and let him get it wrong. It's better for everyone in the long run."
Absolutely!

what a load of rubbish - Because I know he will just start shouting at me and accuse me of putting more demands upon him yet again. It's always the same cycle. He does a little bit more because I'm pissed off with doing so much. He yells at me for putting demands upon him.

Oh dear. It sounds worse and worse. It's a lot deeper than just wanting a bit of help making dinner occasionally.

what a load of rubbish - I do the correspondence because when he does it, he says he gets annoyed and has in the past started shouting at me saying that the women need to sort out these sorts of things.

Must take the kids out now, will catch up with this later! Will see what happens at dinner time!

Nothing is going to change here is it? So you are going to have to suck it up, you rail against any suggestions but tell us more and more about his shouting at you, it is not nice to read tbh , he wont just magically change - ever.

You know it's not acceptable for him to be shouting at you? I hesitate to use the word abusive, but it sounds like he's scaring you into letting him have his own way all the time.

what a load of rubbish - I do the correspondence because when he does it, he says he gets annoyed and has in the past started shouting at me saying that the women need to sort out these sorts of things.

What a charmer

He deliberately broke the iron and ironing board because he had to iron his own shirts

Seriously, I woudl never do his ironing again

And for every single incident where he complained, mothered, lost his temper I would be stopping doing that particular activity too

Until eventually it didn't look anything like a relationsip or a partnership at all

As a SAHM, your responsibility is to look after the children (and to a certain debateable extent, bearing in mind he also lives there, the house). It does not mean you take on any of his personal care, laundry, organisation and family responsibilities.

Until you accept that yourself nothing will change. I also suspect you are frightened of him as he has no compunction in humiliating you in front of your family. That is also very concerning.

You are actually in an abusive relationship. I doubt very much you will listen to me though.

*mithered not mothered

it's you that is acting like his mother

like a mother trying to pacify an aggressive and unreasonable teenager

Fabio, single people aren't paying for another adults every need though. Expecting them to pick up the house stuff isn't a lot to ask in return. If working people can do a job and keep a house then a person home all day can easily do it.

Stop the ironing. I am at a loss to understand why you would go back to doing it for him when he threw his toys out of the pram.

From what I can gather, the ironing is symbolic of your whole relationship.

But, it's really easy for you to stop doing his ironing. Today. You don't need to discuss it or make a big deal of it...you just don't have time any more because of all the other stuff you're doing. If he wants to break the ironing again, let him. He'll then need to wear crumpled shirts or pay & arrange an ironing service for himself. Either way, job done.

Now go and read the papers.

You're basically with a man who has absolutely no respect for you and never will. I don't know how things will improve for you, you seem scared of him and he is a bully, bullying you into submission to do all the chores. Whether your relationship is abusive I don't know but it does come across that way.

You have to stand your ground and not be cowed by the bullying if things are ever going to improve

OP
You are just moaning
You love being a martyr
But I am really sad that in 2015 you think it's okay to raise children to think women are supposed to be like this
I'm not sure if you are in the UK...it certainly sounds like you could be elsewhere but then again, my parents aren't from the UK, and they're late 70s and they'd still be shocked by how casually you describe his Victorian attitudes and why you put up with it.

He thinks the women need to sort out these things ?!!!

Well there you have it, he thinks he (and all other men) are more important than you because you're the woman. He's deeply sexist.

Yeah stop, doing his ironing! If he asks you to do it just say he's putting demands on you.

He does all the washing up?

I'd use every pot and pan and cup, spoon in the kitchen.

You are supposed to be equals, he is not a child and you are not his parent.

Stock up on clean clothes for you and the children and then do nothing but childcare and cooking an evening meal. If he wants the house clean he needs to help. Only do house work when he is.

If he simply won't help then get a cleaner / housekeeper.

Like it or not you are in an abusive relationship and your children are learning women are there to serve them and if they don't then they should shout and be aggressive.

Not a good life model.

I would sit down with your OH and tell him that things need to change. You need some downtime too and he needs to be more involved with family life - agree 2 meals at the weekend he takes charge of (my DH does friday night for the 2 of us and sunday morning family fry-up ), he does bath time(s), gives you a lie-in &/or attends to night waking one night and actually spends a bit of time playing with the DC (& tidying up at the end!)

I think in return you need to try and organise your time better so on the 2 free mornings a week you get 80% of the main household chores done. One morning clean upstairs, the other downstairs, get a couple of wash loads done & hung out, have your supermarket shop delivered. If you focus it's amazing how much you can get done in a few hours without little ones under your feet and then you don't spend the entire week doing chores. Of course if your DH isn't keen to share free time at the weekend then I say bugger all that, get a cleaner and use your child-free mornings as free time

eta you need to stop enabling him - he thinks he's doing you a favour. It's not about helping you (or likewise you helping him when something isn't straightforward like the admin ). You need to thrash this out with him op - tell him there are certain things you don't want to do anymore so he'd better man-up and get them done without whinging. I'd include his ironing as this one he can't avoid plus a couple of mealtimes and weekend bath times. I would also seriously consider taking up a sport or hobby that takes you out of the house for the odd hour or so at the weekend preferably around bath/meal times. Running is great as you just stick your trainers on, annouce you'll be back in an hour and look forward to dinner when the kids are in bed and walk out the door

You are grateful your husband puts his crap away.

He isn't grateful you mind his kids, wash his pants, cook his meals, clean the house, run around after his family,muck him occasionally, etc etc etc.

I can't see any demands you are putting on him AS HE DOESNT FUCKING DO ANYTHING!!!!!

"I do the correspondence because when he does it, he says he gets annoyed and has in the past started shouting at me saying that the women need to sort out these sorts of things."

Woman's work eh?! Holy shit he sounds awful. Is he from a culture where men do the paid work and the women are expected to do everything else such as housework, cooking, family stuff and raising children? Where women are considered second class citizens? Because it sounds like it.

He broke the iron and ironing board in a rage, shouted at you, humiliated you, and you reward him by doing his ironing? Do you see how warped that is? If a partner of mine dared treat me like that he'd find he has to do all his own laundry, chores, and cooking. The more he'd shout the less I'd help him.