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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP stayed out all night

421 replies

Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:11

I don't think I'm being unreasonable so I guess it's more a wwyd.

DP had a works conference which was followed by a Christmas party this evening. He planned to stay until after the meal and drive home (wasn't drinking and venue approx 1 hour ish away). The party was scheduled until around midnight but some people had rooms booked in the hotel and the bar would be open plus they are right by a large city popular for nightlife.

I spoke to him around 9.30 and they had just started mains, he had decided to have a drink and was going to get a taxi home once they had finished with dessert(not sure if at this point it was a hint for a lift as I'm 30 weeks pregnant so hadn't been out drinking myself).

Anyway, that's the last I heard from him and he still hasn't come home or been in touch.

I am furious... I think staying out all night with no contact is not okay, he's been known to do this in the past but rarely and not for quite some time.

So firstly aibu to be pissed off? And if I'm not then wwyd?

OP posts:
Pinkandbluemcdonald5 · 05/12/2015 23:28

I lived with this from an old bf, it was awful for me. I look back and see it as him more trying to be mr popular, he was always the life and soul.

Life was misery, calling him all the time!

cigarsofthepharaoh · 05/12/2015 23:44

He said if anything happened or I needed him he obviously would have been there (was reading my messages but ignoring them)

What good would he have been though? And how were you supposed to know that he was reading them and would be ok in an emergency? And why the fuck would you ignore your pregnant wife's texts and willingly leave her upset and worried?

This is all about him, he hasn't given you even one thought, while you've been giving him all your thoughts. Someone as inherently selfish isn't going to immediately change to put someone else first when they have a baby.

Do you trust him at Christmas to be in a fit state in case you - and his child! - need him?

Sunnybitch · 06/12/2015 00:29

Lbee im sorry i know its childish, but i'd have to do a tit for tat type thing.

Tell him you've arranged to go out with some of the girls and tell him you wont be late home, then go and stay at your mums...dont answer his calls or txs! Go for breakfast in the morning and do a bit of shopping, stroll in about midday and once he's finished shouting that he's been so worried about you and blah blah blah just say 'it's not nice is it' then go to bed and spend the day relaxing.

Once he knows how it feels he MAY change his attitude and behave more respectful to you. If not...get rid!

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 06/12/2015 00:40

Yep, I agree.

Nothing gets the message home that you are not over reacting, being controlling and killing his fun than "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?! DO YOU KNOW HOW WORRIED I HAVE BEEN?" "Actually, yes I do. Your work xmas party, you best friends birthday, your birthday, wetting X's babys head...... How you feel now is how I felt then. Do you still think that I was over reacting and trying to spoil your fun?" "That was different!" "No it wasnt, and unless it stops now, you can have all the all nighters you want because I wont be here to give a toss about them...night night! Off for a nap :)"

Sansoora · 06/12/2015 01:35

He wont give a hoot if the OP does it as a form of revenge to teach him a lesson. He'll just laugh at her efforts.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 06/12/2015 02:08

But then at least she will know that he really doesnt give two shiney shites. I think that is what the OP needs to know.

GloGirl · 06/12/2015 02:27

There is not a chance that I would explain to someone I had an ounce of respect for that what occurred is not acceptable. It'd be like telling someone how and why to wipe their arse after going to the toilet. Utterly ridiculous.

There would be no conversations, no explanations - nothing until he could come and say "I've been a dick, I'm sorry".

Sansoora · 06/12/2015 02:28

Gladys I think this bloke could turn it around and have the OP believing that he does care and as a result get more nights out and sleepovers out of it.

Aussiemum78 · 06/12/2015 02:48

When I (finally) did it my p did care. He cared a whole lot. He thought I was cheating. He was incredulous I would stay out all night.

The look on his face when I said you do it to me all the time was priceless. Up until then, he just thought doing what he wanted was his special privilege that I wasn't entitled to because I was home with a baby....

Twat that he is.

Imknackeredzzz · 06/12/2015 02:55

God he sounds awful

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/12/2015 03:17

God. When I flatted with girlfriends we wouldn't dream of treating each other with such disrespect. When you care about someone - as a friend or partner or spouse - you worry if they're unaccounted for, and likewise avoid causing them to worry.

Friends don't behave like this with each other - so why do some women accept it from their partner? Especially when it makes them so, so unhappy?

BathtimeFunkster · 06/12/2015 06:57

He basically said he's sorry for not being in touch but it was worth it and he had fun so would do it again in the same situation.^

Well there you have it, he doesn't give a shit about you.

Having you pregnant is great for him because it means he can do whatever he wants and you will be stuck at home thinking you need to put up with it.

You don't.

Please don't spend another minute with this prick.

Imagine you were the woman sitting beside him while he checked and ignored messages from his pregnant wife who was expecting him home.

This is your life now - with a man who treats you like s piece of insignificant shit so he can have his fun.

Ugh.

Jibberjabberjooo · 06/12/2015 07:16

He doesn't care. And when you've got your baby he'll keep doing it because you're the default childcare. Easy!

HackerFucker22 · 06/12/2015 07:29

Gosh OP, I hate to add fire to the flames here but I am astounded he didn't even have the good grace to apologise properly and assure you it won't happen again. In a way I almost admire his honesty!!! But fuck me does his attitude stink.... so he was reading your messages but ignoring them? Is that ok? I personally find that so damp selfish I could scream on your behalf.

As for the 'it was worth it and he'd do it again' comment he us basically telling you in advance it's going to happen again and you are going to spend every time he goes out wondering if this is the night of his bender.

I'd have personally made sure it wasn't fucking worth it by locking him out and asking him to sleep elsewhere... also I did ask up thread was he safe to be driving home if he was so wasted the night before? He sounds like such a selfish man it really wouldn't surprise me if he was still over the limit when he drove home.

londonrach · 06/12/2015 07:42

Op. Consider if you can put up with his behaviour on a regular basis. Shocked how cruel he has been to you. hope he grows up. Before the baby s born. Flowers

abbieanders · 06/12/2015 07:46

Just a note from before. A few people were unsure about a comment I made regarding aggression. I personally thought his texts were quite aggressive in tone, almost daring the OP to challenge him and putting her in her place regarding her right to question what he does.

AmIAmntI · 06/12/2015 08:10

I could have written your post many many times OP. I doubt he'll change. He's as good as said he won't.

It's a horrible situation to be in. It is worrying and it's completely disrespectful on so many levels. I'm the same as you, I wouldn't give a flying fuck if it was prearranged but not letting you know is unacceptable.

Because of his attitude it boils down to this. You accept that he treats you this way and will most likely continue after the baby is born or you choose not to accept it. I'm no longer with the man who did it to me.

Turned out he was living a double life though. He was a once a week offender at least. Did it for several days once. I was in pieces. He also had a serious medical condition so was worries sick. The police had put him on an amber alert warning for the first 24 hours and then red alert after.

I'm sorry to say but sharing a bed with another bloke sounds like a flimsy cover up to me but I get that could be just me because of what I've been through.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 06/12/2015 08:14

I see what you mean now Abbie. It's a shame because you can tell so much about this person from his texts and actions yesterday. I don't care if I get accused of projecting (though I happen to be in a very happy relationship where this would never happen), the guy sounds pathetic, immature and selfish and you can just tell that op will be default childrearer, carer, cleaner and cook. He won't see why his life should have to change at all.

rainbowstardrops · 06/12/2015 08:52

I think I'd be as livid with his attitude since he's been home as I was when I knew he'd stayed out!
Utterly, utterly disrespectful. The trouble is, if you let this childish arrogant behaviour to continue then you're not in a position to moan or be upset about it.
If he couldn't swear that he'll never do anything like it again then I'd be off.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 06/12/2015 09:00

How do you feel today OP? Has a nights rest helped you make a decision?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 06/12/2015 09:12

I would feel devastated if my dh had told me that he'd read my texts but chose to ignore them.

Not because I'm a sensitive soul but because that showed he had no regard or respect for what I was saying, flicking me away like an annoying fly so to speak.

It is a drastic step to consider leaving him but reading about him makes me think he'll not change his 'me, it's all about me' attitude.

TonySopranosVest · 06/12/2015 09:36

I'm another one who had a husband who did this on a semi regular basis. It was so awful looking back and I should have stood up to him sooner.

The night I had our second baby (yes, I stupidly had two babies with him - although I don't regret the children obviously, but he's been an awful, useless father) he went out with his mates to wet the baby's head.

I was still in hospital with our tiny little baby and couldn't get hold of him. He wasn't answering the home phone, and he didn't turn up to pick us up. God this is so terrible, I still can't quite believe it happened! Anyway, the nurses and my midwife were looking at me with such pity as I cried my eyes out, and I had to have an embarrassing chat about my 'home situation'

In the end I had to call my MIL to go and find him as I'd been discharged but couldn't go home alone. She went to our house and he was passed out on the sofa. Sad Angry

Things never changed. He was cheating as well though (with the entire female population of my town I think) so that's a bit different.

Anyway, don't put up with it OP.

TheTigerIsOut · 06/12/2015 10:08

These are the sort if things that, when you are a few years down the line, and you finally get the final kick to leave the selfish bastard, you look back to and realise the signs, warning flags, alarm bells, where all around you, but you decided to ignore them.

Unfortunately, you don't realise about this until you and your children have been on the receiving end of such misery, and by then you may be so tired you won't have the strenght to leave.

I remember a man in a conference whi said that often women came to him trying to find a solution to the drinking problems if their husbands, or better said, to the actions derived from it. And he said that if the women checked the photos of the couple before marriage, it was dufficult to find one where the guy wasn't drunk or holding a drink in his hand. But still, unexplainably, women ghiught the behaviour would change when they got married, then when they got children, then when they retired but it only stopped when they died. So, if you see the signs, do not waste the warning.

Fairenuff · 06/12/2015 10:10

I do think that he is being entirely honest with you though OP. He has said that he will do it again so you can't say you weren't warned.

I think you just have to accept it if you want to stay with him.

RoboticSealpup · 06/12/2015 10:19

That sucks, Tony, well done for getting out of that situation.

OP, I think his behaviour since he got back is just as bad as the incident itself. I really do wonder what he is like in other regards. I have a friend who always tells me her relationship is 'going great at the moment', but then, without fail, tells me about a recent argument they had, in which he behaved like an asshole.

On the other hand, my sister's husband used to behave similarly. I don't know the exact details, but it went on for several years. I think he just didn't realise that his life had changed and that he had responsibilities. He's a great dad now, and they've been married for ten years. He still talks about what a idiot he was.

It's very hard for anyone else know which outcome is more likely in your case. Only you have all the facts. But I do know that my friend with the 'great relationship' often thinks about leaving her partner, and she tells me that she feels 'elated' at the thought! How do you feel when you think of leaving?