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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP stayed out all night

421 replies

Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:11

I don't think I'm being unreasonable so I guess it's more a wwyd.

DP had a works conference which was followed by a Christmas party this evening. He planned to stay until after the meal and drive home (wasn't drinking and venue approx 1 hour ish away). The party was scheduled until around midnight but some people had rooms booked in the hotel and the bar would be open plus they are right by a large city popular for nightlife.

I spoke to him around 9.30 and they had just started mains, he had decided to have a drink and was going to get a taxi home once they had finished with dessert(not sure if at this point it was a hint for a lift as I'm 30 weeks pregnant so hadn't been out drinking myself).

Anyway, that's the last I heard from him and he still hasn't come home or been in touch.

I am furious... I think staying out all night with no contact is not okay, he's been known to do this in the past but rarely and not for quite some time.

So firstly aibu to be pissed off? And if I'm not then wwyd?

OP posts:
Lweji · 05/12/2015 21:37

Reading and ignoring your messages?
What an utter twat.
He deserves to be ignored henceforward.

Lweji · 05/12/2015 21:40

I'd be asking him what kind of bed he slept in with the lad. And does the hotel know about it? They usually don't like nonpaying guests.

dogwalker75 · 05/12/2015 21:41

He's just told you he doesn't care that you are upset, and he will continue to upset you for the rest of your relationship because he doesn't really care...

Don't bother trying to explain things tomorrow - he already knows, he just doesn't care.

It is much easier on your own than it is with a twat like this. I promise!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/12/2015 21:42

I really don't know how or why you are putting up with this.

Costacoffeeplease · 05/12/2015 21:43

Ok, he doesn't think he's done anything wrong and would do it again

Are you ok with this? If not, you've got a decision to make

AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 21:44

OP, did this recent conversation with him mollify or reassure you in any way ?

Because it damn well wouldn't affect me that way

it would make me less likely to try the talking approach and more likely to just walk

ExplodingCarrots · 05/12/2015 21:46

He has no respect for up OP. He will tell you what you want to hear but then do it again. Please listen to the previous posters who have been in this cycle.

UnGoogleable · 05/12/2015 21:47

OP, you need to make it crystal clear to him what the issue is.

Then if he still says he'd do it again - he's telling you that your feelings are not important to him.

What you do with that information is then up to you.

Needtobebetter · 05/12/2015 21:47

I'm not sure why he put 'nothing happened' in his text to you - had you suggested cheating or something like that in your text to him?

With that aside, he's refusing to see this from your pov and he's also using emotional manipulation because he's implying that you won't let him go out ever. For that alone I'd be off, he's the one in the wrong.

OP babies are so hard, you don't need to be focusing your energy on someone who doesn't care about your feelings. There are bigger issues here than just him staying out all night.

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 21:48

I know... in his head it's fine because there was nothing wrong for him to need to reply to and he couldn't be bothered getting into an argument at the time

It baffles me how some people have such a different thought process to others. He says he knows he was wrong to not get in touch but his actions and attitude say the complete opposite.

He can be amazing and for the most part we are really good together.. And then he does things like this Angry I'll probably be wasting my breath if I try and discuss it tomorrow again, might be better off just going out again and having some space

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 05/12/2015 21:49

Tell him when he is single he can go out all the time.

He read your messages and ignored you. Sad

AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 21:51

if anybody gave my messages such a low priority that they read them but ignored them, they would be out of my life

who the fuck does he think he is ?

seriously, if you let this go, you have a world of disrespect waiting for you

you have been warned...and not for the first time

Pippa12 · 05/12/2015 21:53

That's really awful Hun. When I said my hubby hadn't text when he got in, he was always on the phone early morning and very apologetic. You DH attitude is terrible. Maybe he's still in defence mode and when the dust has settled he will see the error of his ways.

I don't think it can be said he has a drink problem- he's made a crap decision whilst drinking, is that now classed as a drink problem? If you trust him then don't let this thread get into your head. My DH hasn't text a few times when he's got in to say he's safe, I 100% know he's not cheated, he's not abusive and he certainly doesn't have a drink problem, he's just got drunk. I don't know what advice could be offered to solve his obstenance Flowers

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 21:57

Re the 'nothing happened' comment.. I'd sent him a message saying how I can't believe he just hasn't been in touch all night after saying he would be home shortly, anything could have happened to either one of us and that he's really selfish.. So he was basically telling me to chill out again and that all is fine

He hasn't made me feel any better and although he did acknowledge he was in the wrong to not get in touch because he thinks the issue is him being out, in his mind in order to have a night out again he would have to behave the same if that makes sense. So when he says he would do it again, he means not come home and stay out drinking although he now says he should have got in touch or could have come home when he went to bed... But I know that also means that he would ignore me again, even if that's not what he means

The thought of leaving him upsets me, but then so does his behaviour at times so I guess I just need to think about what will be best long term. I doubt he is going to change if he is so dismissive about his behaviour and as hard as leaving would be, that would ease in time. I'm going to sleep on it and see what the morning brings but I can't see him changing his tune between now and then

OP posts:
BitchPeas · 05/12/2015 22:02

His thought processes aren't different. He's a selfish arrogant cock with absolutely no respect for you.

He's behaving this way because he is choosing to, because he wants to and because he knows there will be no consequences.

It reminds me of when I was a teenager, I used to do things like coming in late, coming home drunk, not going to school etc because I knew all that would happen would a half hour ear bashing from my DM then 24-48 hours of frosty silence. So I figured it was worth it. I was being selfish and immature and disrespectful, I knew exactly what I was doing and did not care, but I was 14!

Gruntfuttock · 05/12/2015 22:09

Where did he sleep?

Fairenuff · 05/12/2015 22:13

He says he knows he was wrong to not get in touch but his actions and attitude say the complete opposite

So that tells you...

Come on OP, catch up with the rest of us Grin

Sorry, I know it's not funny but how can you not see you are being taken for a fool?

Pippa12 · 05/12/2015 22:13

I can't get past him ignoring you. Him falling asleep/being to drunk is one thing but to ignore you is cruel. Maybe let him read the thread and see that this is odd behaviour? His lack of sincere apology is very odd behaviour towards the women he claims to love.

AyeAmarok · 05/12/2015 22:16

He doesn't have a drink problem, he has a selfish, inconsiderate prick problem

Lweji · 05/12/2015 22:18

The problem for you, Lbee, is that this type of behaviour rarely happens in one set of circumstances. Do you trust him to be by your side no matter what? To be considerate to you and your needs too? To be there for you and the baby?
Or will he just do what he wants, regardless of his family?

TempusEedjit · 05/12/2015 22:22

Even if he didn't want an argument he could have simply texted you to say "I'm ok but I don't want an argument, will see you later" then not replied to anything else.

My abusive ex did similar to me once, came back in the early hours after a Christmas "lunch" with no warning/previous form so I was worried sick. I lost it with him and hd never did it again. When I think of what an abusive bastard Ex was, yet even he wouldn't think it was ok behaviour to repeat, I dread to think how else your DP treats you badly in ways that you might not even realise.

WelshMoth · 05/12/2015 22:57

*he would do it again

so...

when someone tells you who they are, listen

you have your gauntlet...what you do with it is up to you*

^ This. In bucket loads.

His responses just get better and better.
He'd do it again? FFS.

He is telling you that he will do what he wants and to hell with what you think.

I couldn't live like that.

TimeToMuskUp · 05/12/2015 23:05

DS1's Dad did this when I was pregnant (and before, once or twice, but I was young and green and not really bothered by it so much as I perhaps should have been). He did it three times through my pregnancy, the final time being at around 37 weeks when I was taken to hospital bleeding heavily believing I was losing the baby. I phoned my Mum and Dad, who were with me for DS1's birth.

Ultimately we staggered on til DS1 was 5 months and then had a dreadful, hurtful and painful split at a time when I was already terribly vulnerable. It was an inevitable ending to us. And now, 10 years later, we get on famously and support one another's parenting and are the parents DS1 deserves. But no, it was no more difficult alone than it was with a man who had no intention of putting me (or our child) first. If anything, a weight was lifted once he left.

I can't advise you, I can't tell you what your next step ought to be. But when someone's actions tell you they aren't putting you first at your most vulnerable time, you need to remember they're never going to put you first at any other time. And when DCs come along your tolerance of their bullshit reduces drastically.

Floppityflop · 05/12/2015 23:24

He slept in another man's bed. I'm not sure whether that's better or worse.

Floppityflop · 05/12/2015 23:25

Sorry, probably projecting myself now, that was Maybe unhelpful.

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