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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP stayed out all night

421 replies

Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:11

I don't think I'm being unreasonable so I guess it's more a wwyd.

DP had a works conference which was followed by a Christmas party this evening. He planned to stay until after the meal and drive home (wasn't drinking and venue approx 1 hour ish away). The party was scheduled until around midnight but some people had rooms booked in the hotel and the bar would be open plus they are right by a large city popular for nightlife.

I spoke to him around 9.30 and they had just started mains, he had decided to have a drink and was going to get a taxi home once they had finished with dessert(not sure if at this point it was a hint for a lift as I'm 30 weeks pregnant so hadn't been out drinking myself).

Anyway, that's the last I heard from him and he still hasn't come home or been in touch.

I am furious... I think staying out all night with no contact is not okay, he's been known to do this in the past but rarely and not for quite some time.

So firstly aibu to be pissed off? And if I'm not then wwyd?

OP posts:
Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 05/12/2015 14:17

What does FML (fuck my life) actually mean? I have never understood the significance of it.

wobblywindows · 05/12/2015 14:19

Never too late to take an assertiveness course, OP. You need a permanent solution. Interim measures- you need to sort out a stand-in for your approaching pregnancy, someone who will drop everything and come to your assistance.

Potatoface2 · 05/12/2015 14:21

how old is he.....mine did this a couple of times when we first got together....i think the previous poster who said her dad did it due to he had never had anyone give a shit about him before is spot on.....but you are pregnant and there is no excuse in the world for that...what would you have done if you had gone into labour....hes very selfish....and i would tell him thats the last time EVER he stays out....he has responsibilities to face.....i do hope hes just got drunk though and stayed out rather than something worse. (POINT THAT OUT TO HIM TOO!)

purplecat27 · 05/12/2015 14:22

My husband did something similar recently (not staying out all night, but home much later than he said), and has done this a number of times over the years we've been together. I have yelled at him, I've cried, I've left the house, we've rowed about it etc. and none of it helped. The fact is he didn't think there was a problem, he didn't understand how things were from my point of view, and without that understanding there was never going to be any change. All of my previous reactive ways of dealing with it had just made him think I was being unreasonable, or trying to control him or whatever. The last time he did this, the day after my yelling and crying (I'm also pregnant, yelling doesn't seem to come without crying anymore!) we sat down together and we properly talked about it... for ages. I explained everything, he explained everything, and eventually it was like I saw a little light bulb go on in his head. He finally understood how I felt about it, why it was a problem, and why I had reacted the way I did those other times. My husband isn't inherently selfish, or irresponsible, or a twat, if he was I wouldn't have married him, and I doubt your partner is either as you probably wouldn't be with him if he was. I'm not inherently a walkover, or a mug, and I doubt you are either. The problem was his complete lack of understanding, and the only way to change that was to talk about things completely openly, honestly and calmly. That might be difficult to do today (I'd be fuming too!) but I hope that you can do that together because that's what really helped us, and it's probably easier to do it before the baby comes!

leaningtoweroflego · 05/12/2015 14:23

"Binge drinking was fun when I was 22 but I seriously wonder what an adult gets out of it."

Ah, stop being so fucking sanctimonious! That doesn't help the OP at all!

I love staying up all night drinking with friends. DP too. Until we started a family in our mid-30s, this was very much part of our life.

It doesn't necessarily mean anyone is cheating either. I can quite happily stay out and dance / chat / have fun with other like-minded people for a couple of days, given the opportunity, with no hint of cheating!

BUT ... I don't do this anymore as I have responsibilities, neither does DP. If I'm going to be late (a rare occasion!) I let him know, as does he.

We don't do it, not because we don't want to, but because we respect our family life more, and also we'd never leave the other one wondering where we are as that's just cruel!

That's the key, that the OP's DP seems to be (willfully?) ignoring. It's not about whether or not it's "acceptable" to stay out all night with work mates. It's about whether it's acceptable to treat the OP with such little respect for her feelings, and the answer is no, of course it is not.

Garlick · 05/12/2015 14:24

Binge drinking was fun when I was 22 but I seriously wonder what an adult gets out of it.

Well - the same. Being able to act silly and feckless, laughing till your sides split at the same jokes you heard half an hour ago, feeling like you're John Travolta and Ginger Rogers together on the dance floor even though you fell over your feet, and forgetting all your worries for a few hours.

None of this requires lying to your partner, ignoring them or being rude to them.

Gruntfuttock · 05/12/2015 14:27

Where did he sleep, OP? Do you know?

NanaNina · 05/12/2015 14:36

Look the OP's said she's calmed down now and has probably signed off. As ever with these threads I am astonished at the character assignation of the bloke in question, without a shred of evidence, other than the fact that he stayed out all night.

NanaNina · 05/12/2015 14:38

I meant character assassination not assignation

Saukko · 05/12/2015 14:44

"What do people do all night for fuck's sake, especially with people they work with all day?"
That's what I said :D He spend 9am-6pm with these people, Skypes them all evening about 'work' and 'the deadline' (always a deadline), checks in with them at the weekend and then sits in the same bar - same bar! Didn't even move on! - from 1.30pm until gone 11pm. And this is a very non-talkative, non-social person. He's probably said more to his colleagues this week than he has to me all month.

Whatever floats yer boat, eh.

Freezingwinter · 05/12/2015 14:46

Flowers for you OP

MinistryofRevenge · 05/12/2015 14:50

OP, maybe have a little think about whether he'd do something like this to his friends, or even to the colleagues he was out with. Would he make an arrangement with any of them, which puts them to some trouble, and then fail to turn up? Would he just not bother meeting a friend for a night out, without explanation or apology? Would he fail to turn up at work, then get pissy when he was pulled up on it?

No. I guess not. So how come that you're the person in his life that is least deserving of a modicum of respect? How come he gets to treat you like this? If he's capable of understanding reasonable adult behaviour in other contexts, he can understand how to behave like a reasonable adult in this relationship. If he doesn't behave in that way, it's because he's made a conscious choice.

I think you deserve better than this, OP. I think everyone here believes you deserve better.

chilledwarmth · 05/12/2015 14:50

If it was a work party and the bar was going to be open, as well as the location being close to a "large city popular for nightlife" I'd definitely just assume that 1 drink turned into 10, and assume that at some point the next day my girlfriend would stagger into the house looking dreadful and hungover, and greet her with Hey Honey! at the top of my voice :)

MiniCooperLover · 05/12/2015 14:52

So is he home now OP?

Potatoface2 · 05/12/2015 15:00

take back what i said....he sounds a twat!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 05/12/2015 15:05

Have just read the whole thread before posting & am also angry on your behalf OP!

It's nothing that previous posters haven't already said but what stands out for me is;

No contact. Deciding to get a hotel room because he's had a drink (or 20) is fine. Not texting or calling you to let you know is definitely not.

The unprovoked "nothing happened" in the very first contact. Why the need to assert that?

The "FML". Not only is it exceedingly childish, but it also clearly shows that he will blame you entirely for any confrontation over this.

Flowers for you OP.

Notimefortossers · 05/12/2015 15:19

This guy definitely needs to be shown that he will lose you if he continues with this behaviour. Have the row. Make your case. Try explaining that staying out is not the issue, but the lies and the no contact and disrespect is. Ask him what would have happened had you gone into early labour last night? Tell him you're not prepared to accept this childishness from him once you are parents . .. then fuck of to friends/family for a few days and give him no contact while he thinks about that

randomcatname · 05/12/2015 15:26

I also agree he's well out of order,OP. Hope everything works out for you.

Flowers
MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 05/12/2015 15:48

SantasLittleMonkeyButler

I had to just google what FML meant as originally I thought it was a typo! Why is that even a thing anyway?!

What a stupid thing to say!! He goes down in my estimate every minute, this awesome specimen of a father to be.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 05/12/2015 16:36

I think Magical it's more usually something a teenager would put in a text to a friend after a parent had asked them to do something really unreasonable, akin to slavery - the washing up or sorting laundry e.g.

I've never heard of a grown adult using it before either!

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 05/12/2015 17:16

Hope you're ok.

Jux · 05/12/2015 17:17

Lbee, unless he is a particularly stupid person, he understands exactly what you are upset about. He knows perfectly well it's nothing to do with him going out, all night or not. He knows it's the lack of contact that you're objecting to.

He just finds it preferable to pretend that he doesn't understand. The difficulty lies in working out why he would rather be seen as very very dim, than make a phone call or send a text.

What is it about him that has that affect?

Esmeismyhero · 05/12/2015 17:48

What a mahoooosive cunt op! Flowers for you xx

Potatoface2 · 05/12/2015 17:58

there will always be some excuse..its christmas now ...the next one will be wetting the babys head.....dont put up with it....hes got big making up to do and to change!

blueobsessive · 05/12/2015 18:03

My DH did pretty much what your dp did, but I was just over 18 weeks. He came home the next morning hungover with vomit on his clothes thinking that a 'sorry' should do it. He had also done the same the night before our 12 week scan, and had promised it would not happen again.

I explained to him that it was a huge problem to be a. Uncontactable and b. That drunk. I did not want a situation where I was in premature labour having either no idea where he was or booze breathed into my face. Both would be ghastly in already rotten circumstances and that added ghastliness would be his fault. A midwife might also start raising concerns for the health of our baby at home if DH was sat there in a drunken mess , or drunkenly awol. At 30 weeks you could need him with you in record quick time- and you would need him fully compos mentis. They are hard work for both of you. He cannot assume his responsibilities begin only once baby is here. Births/ labours are only 'normal' in retrospect

In fact what happened to us was that I delivered at 19+4. Dh was there and sober. He was a great support. We hadn't done nct so he had no prior prep/ briefing, but was great. We had the added horribleness of knowing that our daughter would be too young to survive. Dh does now understands why going awol and drunk put a massive and unfair burden on me during the pregnancy. He has not done that to me again and I believe will never do. He did step up to the mark when needed. I asked him before writing this post what got through to him- he said that what I had said was unequivocal and he had not appreciated the potential consequences and how fast things can move with pregnancy issues.

Op I understand why in light of last night you are questioning everything and are mighty narked and scared, but my advice would be to be totally plain to him once he has come round of the effect on you and the potential had you needed him to go to hospital with you. If you like, show him this post. My DH was not expecting labour to be a week after his awol trip but it was. It need not be a massive row, or terminal for you, but you need him now, before birth, to be ready to help you once it all kicks off. I found that explaining the above to him was most effective once he was fully sober not when he was straight through the door.

Good luck Op

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