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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP stayed out all night

421 replies

Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 06:11

I don't think I'm being unreasonable so I guess it's more a wwyd.

DP had a works conference which was followed by a Christmas party this evening. He planned to stay until after the meal and drive home (wasn't drinking and venue approx 1 hour ish away). The party was scheduled until around midnight but some people had rooms booked in the hotel and the bar would be open plus they are right by a large city popular for nightlife.

I spoke to him around 9.30 and they had just started mains, he had decided to have a drink and was going to get a taxi home once they had finished with dessert(not sure if at this point it was a hint for a lift as I'm 30 weeks pregnant so hadn't been out drinking myself).

Anyway, that's the last I heard from him and he still hasn't come home or been in touch.

I am furious... I think staying out all night with no contact is not okay, he's been known to do this in the past but rarely and not for quite some time.

So firstly aibu to be pissed off? And if I'm not then wwyd?

OP posts:
var123 · 05/12/2015 18:29

Honestly, its not about being there to drive you to hospital or hold your hand through labour. Basically you can call a taxi and get there yourself. Its about being there and being sober when the baby / toddler suddenly needs something - its amazing how fast they can go from fine to being rushed to A&E.

We were ultra familiar with the children's A&E room at the hospital - it felt like we should donate some chairs! - and DS1 wasn't a sickly baby or anything.

Looking after young children is hard work, and its nigh on impossible if you are drunk or suffering with a hangover. I think this is how you go from fully fledged social creature the day before you get pregnant to typical middle aged parents when you finally come up for air 15 years later!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 05/12/2015 18:43

Nananina what we know about him from this thread is enough to assassinate his character tbf

NanaNina · 05/12/2015 19:07

All we know about this bloke is that he stayed out all night at a work's do and didn't contact his wife till the next morning. Not good but in my mind this doesn't warrant him being called:

A mahoosive cunt
Immature fuckwit
Arrogant selfish cunt
Selfish, dishonest, irresponsible piece of shit
Not father material
Possibly increasing aggression (though the OP didn't mention aggression)

The OP has been asked "why are you still there" and told to take herself off somewhere.

I can only imagine that a lot of these posts are from women who have had an abusive husband/partner in the past and so there is a lot of projection going on.

HackerFucker22 · 05/12/2015 19:09

No update from OP then?

NanaNina · 05/12/2015 19:17

I'm not surprised given some of the posts. She said she had calmed down and that I think that was the end of it but as usual posters want to give more and more advice and tell the OP what she needs to do, and call her DH all sorts of insulting names.

Sansoora · 05/12/2015 19:27

Nana, projection, or replies based on experience?

There is a difference you know.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 05/12/2015 19:29

I'd say those insults are warranted, apart from the aggression one which I don't really get. I think his behaviour was shockingly bad and my dp thinks the same. Most posters speak from experience and give valid advice. It's much easier to be blunt with someone on the internet and I don't think that is always a bad thing.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/12/2015 19:30

DH has stayed out all night a couple of times. I really hated it, but never thought of LTBing over it.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/12/2015 19:30

DH has stayed out all night a couple of times. I really hated it, but never thought of LTBing over it.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/12/2015 19:31

Sorry for the double post [blush}

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 05/12/2015 19:31

Sorry for the double post [blush}

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/12/2015 19:36

nana have you forgiven these behaviours in one of your DPs?

see how irritating it is when posters project about your projecting rather than just acknowledging different viewpoints are possible

Sansoora · 05/12/2015 19:38

nana have you forgiven these behaviours in one of your DPs?

I think Nana works with women who've been victims of DV/DA. But I could be wrong.

PeasOnEarth · 05/12/2015 19:48

It was mentioned a way upthread but this is a man with an alcohol problem.
I expect he meant he would be home, botherwise when he said he wouldn't drink, and late when he said he'd get a taxi. But good intentions plus alcohol = deteriorating decision making and standards when someone has a problem with drink. The worst thing is that it protects itself in denial, which is why he's texted as he has today.

As for how you deal with this going forwards will depend on whether he can break the denial and acknowledge the problem. Most can't and over any given period of time, things only get worse.

This thread must be bloody hard to read. Take your time, weigh up people's words, let the hot anger settle to cool headed decision making. All the best to you and your baby.

Shonajay · 05/12/2015 19:53

Why would he say nothing happened? That sounds like a guilty conscience to me...

Sansoora · 05/12/2015 19:56

Why would he say nothing happened? That sounds like a guilty conscience to me...

No, not in 'that' sense at least.

I think it was a case of oh for gawds sake woman, stop making a bloody fuss, nothing happened. Im okay Hmm

Greengardenpixie · 05/12/2015 19:59

Do it back. He will soon understand what its like. Its that simple.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/12/2015 20:03

I can only imagine that a lot of these posts are from women who have had an abusive husband/partner in the past and so there is a lot of projection going on.

Do you put up with a lot of sub-standard behaviour from your partner, that most women would find unacceptable?

I can only assume that there's a lot of projection going on in your posts (you post similar on so many threads), and that you have spent your relationship/s with men that frequent display shitty behaviour, and this is just what you're used to? No point expecting any better?

There are many of us that say LTB because we're with lovely, decent, loving men who would not behave like this. That's why your comments seem to reek of projection to me.

sofato5miles · 05/12/2015 20:05

What a wanker. "Fml". Go out, let him. Sleep it off, then sit him at a table tomorrow and tell him your terms.

NanaNina · 05/12/2015 20:36

Since some of you are interested in my past I'll tell you - I married a man in 1967 and he had a drink problem and was physically abusive to me. We had a young child and I wasn't going to put up with being abused or bring my child up in such an atmosphere. So I left - stayed with my sister and eventually rented a house. I later met my DP (we've been together for 42 years) and had another child. Of course we've had "ups and downs" over the years but we've always loved each other and we're now happily retired.

So NO sorry to disappoint but I haven't forgiven DP for staying out all night as I don't think he's ever done this.

In 1979 I started working for Women's Aid and together with other women we opened one of the first Refuges in the country. I have continued to work and support WA all through the years, although not to the extent that I did when I was younger.

Sansoora thank you for pointing out that there is a difference between projecting and talking from experience. I think projection is when someone thinks AB or C will happen because this is what happened to them, and they haven't healed from the abuse. Talking from experience doesn't necessarily assume that the man in question is a cunt (or whatever) - it means that you have your own experience but have come to terms with it and realise that everyone's situation is different.

But why are you all still posting when the OP is no longer on the thread.

I'm signing off............

Fairenuff · 05/12/2015 20:48

OP you do not have to put up with this. It doesn't matter what other people's experiences have been, this is your relationship.

If you are happy to just rant about it and let it go until next time, that's fine. It's you that has to live with this, not any of us.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 05/12/2015 20:53

Nananina it's far more than the guy staying out later than planned after a works night and you know it. It's the fact that it's a pattern, it's the fact that she's 30 weeks pregnant and it's the immature and unapologetic text he sent hours after he saw her attempts to contact him.

He totally deserves those insults and more.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/12/2015 21:06

Nana I'm not sure if you're still reading or not. I actually wasn't interested in your past (the facetious head tilt was meant to convey that). I was pointing out that your assumption that posters were projecting could be seen to be belittling their advice. And actually quite a few posters had been honest about their past experiences and how that impacted on their view of the situation.

Original poster
Lbee123 · 05/12/2015 21:31

Sorry for the lack of update everyone. I spoke to him earlier and then went out with my mum for the day and switched my phone off.

He basically said he's sorry for not being in touch but it was worth it and he had fun so would do it again in the same situation. He said if anything happened or I needed him he obviously would have been there (was reading my messages but ignoring them) and that he stayed in one of the lads room rather than waste money on a taxi and that he was sleeping when I called.

Still thinks my issue is him going out, rather than the staying out all night with no contact... I'm going to sit down and try and get it across clearly tomorrow exactly what my issue is when he's not hungover and like a bear with a sore head!!

Thanks for your support

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 21:36

he would do it again

so...

when someone tells you who they are, listen

you have your gauntlet...what you do with it is up to you