to think it is unacceptable for a 45-year-old man to date girls just out of their teens?

[Werksallhourz]

Please someone tell me that I have not slipped through a rip in the fabric of reality here.

I have an old friend who does not have a partner, and has never had a serious relationship. He's now 45.

I had a conversation with him about looking for a partner, and some of the things he was saying started to sound, to me, very disturbing.

He seems to think that there is no problem with him dating a girl in her early 20s. He says that I am "old-fashioned" for saying it is not really appropriate for a man of his age to date a girl so young.

Just to reiterate: we would be talking about a 45 year old man dating a 21 year old girl.

He also seems to be of the opinion that this is okay because young women look at him on the street because "they fancy him". At this point, I started to get alarmed.

When I suggested that he might be mistaken, he claimed that people think he is a lot younger than his age anyway, that girls in their early 20s can be "very mature", and told me this story about how a young woman looked at him on the bus and how he knew she wanted him to follow her when she went to get off.

Now maybe I could understand all this if my friend looked like a something off the cover of Esquire, but he doesn't. He's in very poor physical health -- in fact, I would go so far as to say he looks terrible.

And we are not talking about someone who has done very well in life in conventional terms either. He now lives in a room in a house-share after losing his flat, and as far as I know, he hasn't worked for years. The last time I visited him at his flat, the place was a state: filthy floors, bin-bags of clothes on the floor, holes in the walls, and a strong fetid smell in the air.

I am starting to suspect that his life circumstances have meant that he has become so removed from normal society that he has become delusional.

But most of all, I have a really foreboding feeling about his attitude that it would be okay for him, at 45, to date a 21-year-old, particularly when he seems to think these young women are checking him out on the street. To me, it seems to indicate something worrying, but I am not sure what it is.

AIBU?

But older men are attracted to much younger women for what

Yeah, that would make me wary. Though there sure are some older men who are not mainly attracted to young women and might love a younger woman for her personality, that sort of older men would not approach young women without encouragement.

Older men who actively look for younger women are a red flag.

Besides, I wouldn't want a man who was an irresponsible, unhygienic idiot in his youth and just gotten better ... I'd much rather look for someone who is my age and already has some common sense.

PitPatKitKat -- great post.

Well actually bambambini at 18 I was working in a very interesting job which involved a lot of traveling while training. By the time I was 21 I had seen 6 continents and finally crossed of the 7th at 25. I packed a lot in at a young age. I had been on tall ships at 13 and spent a fair amount of my time going away on excursions that most people have never done before I left school. So yeah I didn't just spend my teens/20s glued to the Internet (they had dial up back then) working out the best way to apply lip gloss and straighten my hair.

By 26 I was managing my own team of 20 men and 1 woman, earning 90k a year and buying my first home. My DH says he was attracted to my determined nature and he liked strong assertive women. We were colleagues. Got to say he has never once tried to stop me from achieving. He took paternity leave for 6 months with our baby and not many men are prepared to do that. He's not alpha male, I was his line manager briefly after marriage. I was his boss and it worked. He is middle management and earns a good wage (70k) so no failure. These things mean more to me than his age.

He agonised for months about the age gap and decided not to act on his feelings, I approached him, quite a few times until he relented. If he was 25,35,45,55,65,75 I'd have still married him.

Don't judge a book by its cover.

The half plus seven thing is not a 'rule'. It's a joke.

Sure people have age gap relationships that work. I would think a man who only wanted younger women and vice versa was probably a twat. And in this case, definitely a twat.

I think the point is proton that you've described a healthy balanced relationship. Your dh wasnt cruising round on buses perving at anyone under 25. He met an equal life partner who happened to be younger than him. That's not what the op its about.

No matter what, this man is not going to be dating anyone.

He is incapable of looking after himself and lives in a little bubble of his own imagination. He needs professional help.

The question of older men dating younger women is interesting but not relevant to the life of the man described by the OP.

Yes Toby but some people clearly don't mind offending

...couples in healthy age gap relationships just from what they see. You wouldn't I hope think it ok that people could come on to a thread and criticise couples of differing skin tones or the same sex. It's offensive and hurtful the man OP refers to is a danger to all women young or old.

You wouldn't I hope think it ok that people could come on to a thread and criticise couples of differing skin tones or the same sex. It's offensive and hurtful the man OP refers to is a danger to all women young or old.
Exactly!
Didn't read the whole thread, but OP's attitude is really offensive.
Same-sex relationships are to be celebrated, but young woman liking an older guy and vice versa is still somehow unnacceptable? They're adults FFS! Talk about bigotry now.
I was 20 when i met my then 46yo DH. Feel free to throw rotten veg at us

Nataleejah did you at least read all the OP's posts about her friend?

I did. She sounds like a very 'good' friend to have.

Do you have a problem with same-sex relationships, Nataleejah?

Nataleejah

Would you not be concerned with a 40 something showing an interest in your teenage or 20 yr old child? I find it hard to believe that a parent wouldn't be concerned. I don't expect a teenager or 21 yr old to be looking at the possible problems and downfalls in the the same way and older person or parent would.