Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it is unacceptable for a 45-year-old man to date girls just out of their teens?

188 replies

Werksallhourz · 05/12/2015 02:52

Please someone tell me that I have not slipped through a rip in the fabric of reality here.

I have an old friend who does not have a partner, and has never had a serious relationship. He's now 45.

I had a conversation with him about looking for a partner, and some of the things he was saying started to sound, to me, very disturbing.

He seems to think that there is no problem with him dating a girl in her early 20s. He says that I am "old-fashioned" for saying it is not really appropriate for a man of his age to date a girl so young.

Just to reiterate: we would be talking about a 45 year old man dating a 21 year old girl.

He also seems to be of the opinion that this is okay because young women look at him on the street because "they fancy him". At this point, I started to get alarmed.

When I suggested that he might be mistaken, he claimed that people think he is a lot younger than his age anyway, that girls in their early 20s can be "very mature", and told me this story about how a young woman looked at him on the bus and how he knew she wanted him to follow her when she went to get off.

Now maybe I could understand all this if my friend looked like a something off the cover of Esquire, but he doesn't. He's in very poor physical health -- in fact, I would go so far as to say he looks terrible.

And we are not talking about someone who has done very well in life in conventional terms either. He now lives in a room in a house-share after losing his flat, and as far as I know, he hasn't worked for years. The last time I visited him at his flat, the place was a state: filthy floors, bin-bags of clothes on the floor, holes in the walls, and a strong fetid smell in the air.

I am starting to suspect that his life circumstances have meant that he has become so removed from normal society that he has become delusional.

But most of all, I have a really foreboding feeling about his attitude that it would be okay for him, at 45, to date a 21-year-old, particularly when he seems to think these young women are checking him out on the street. To me, it seems to indicate something worrying, but I am not sure what it is.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CastaDiva · 05/12/2015 08:07

What Strawberry said. Having said that, it's only a slightly more deluded view than some men I've known who aren't as isolated and potentially vulnerable as your friend. I would tell him the stalker comment concerns you.

Whythehellnot · 05/12/2015 08:09

It sounds like he hasn't actually found any 20 somethings to date?maybe it's just bravado or wishful thinking. He sounds quite odd and delusional.

BanningTheWordNaice · 05/12/2015 08:12

The only thing I would say is that anyone saying "I knew she wanted me to follow her" sounds like delusions to me as well as his delusions about his physical health. I would be wary of those progressing as the former is of a type of statement made to justify rape to someone who honestly believes that they have done nothing wrong.

Enjolrass · 05/12/2015 08:15

Yabu about the age difference.

If a woman in her twenties wants to date a man in his 40s, I don't see the issue.

To say that women in their twenties may not have the confidence to say she doesn't want to go out with him is bollocks. I know women of all ages that don't have confidence and make bad dating decisions. It's not something that's only happens to girls in their twenties.

Besides which all this is in his head. He isn't actually dating a woman in her twenties. He fancies girls that he see that he thinks maybe in their twenties. That's not big news. Men and women both can fancy younger people.

What's concerning is the fact that he is now thinking they fancy him, it's escalated into 'I know she wanted me to follow her'.

I am genuinely concerned that this will escalate to 'I know she wanted me to follow her.....so I did' then on and on until he does something horrific.

I really don't want to sound alarmist but do you think most sex attackers go from being completely normal to taping a woman overnight. Some maybe do. But most don't. Their behaviour starts as. Bit odd and escalates over time.

Unfortunately I don't think there is much anyone can do at this point, unless you really think he is unstable and may be needs a mental health evaluation.

The age isn't an issue here. His behaviour and thoughts are. It doesn't matter that he thinks a woman in her twenties wants him to follow her....it matters that he thinks a woman (of any age) wants him to follow her.

Enjolrass · 05/12/2015 08:17

raping not taping

HeteronormativeHaybales · 05/12/2015 08:19

I have to say I wouldn't be at all happy with someone in their mid-40s, man or woman, going after my 21yo child, male or female. I wouldn't be able to do a great deal about it, beyond giving advice, but I would not be at all pleased.

Your acquaintance, OP, doesn't sound well, tbh. But yes, also creepy.

Blarblarblar · 05/12/2015 08:27

If a woman in her twenties wants to date an older man then it's no ones business.
However your pal sound delusional. I would be concerned of an escalation.
Can you just straight out say that he sounds like a dirty old man talking in this way and give him a bit of a reality check?

RhiWrites · 05/12/2015 08:49

Why are so many people saying 'he's no danger'? You do realise rapists don't appear out of nowhere.

A man fixated on young women who believes they are sending him silent signals of lust and want him to follow them home is a red flag.

I would tell your friend explicitly. No, you are wrong and you should talk to someone professional about these ideas so they can put you right.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying he is definitely a danger. I'm saying he could become one.

scarlets · 05/12/2015 08:50

Sleazy and creepy, but not illegal. Unless he stalks one of these young girls of course.

SurferJet · 05/12/2015 09:06

Yes, sleazy & creepy - but equally I think there's something 'not quite right' about a woman of 20 wanting to date a man of 45.
I mean jeez, the thought of having sex with a man 25 years older than me would turn my stomach. I can understand it if the man is mega rich ( Simon Cowell types ) because the women are after the lifestyle - but if the guy isn't even rich?
Nah, they're just all a bit odd so let them get on with it.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 05/12/2015 09:21

DP was 39 when I started going out with him. I was 19. We're married now and have one and a half-baked children together. Works for us, and bar one or two people, everyone else has been supportive. He does not control me and neither did he pester me together- if anything it was the other way round! YABU about the age gap.

However, YANBU for being concerned about his comments. I'd be concerned too.

OhBigHairyBollocks · 05/12/2015 09:23

surferjet what a massively sweeping statement you have just made Shock we aren't all after the money!

Aeroflotgirl · 05/12/2015 09:31

For the age gap alone, as long as their 21 or over, who cares, they are adults, women who are able to make their own decisions, not teenagers Hmm.

He sounds creepy and dodgy though.

ellbell345 · 05/12/2015 09:34

I've only skimmed the thread but no one else seems to have mentioned his inability to look after himself (poor health / filthy flat). This, along with his comments about women and the suggestion he doesn't have any other support, suggests he may have mental health issues. If you want to be a good friend to him, I'd stop being concerned about whether he could / should / would be able to date a much younger woman, and instead try and help him get help for the underlying issues which have led him to this place in his life.

harshbuttrue1980 · 05/12/2015 09:47

Nothing wrong with age gaps. I have always preferred older men. It's not about money either, as many of them have earned the same as me. I just found that older men are more settled, and less into laddish things. Like everyone else, I would worry about the comments about following women.

He sounds shy and socially awkward. If I were you, I'd encourage him to use an online dating site, as that way he can search for women of the age range that interests him, and they can reply if they are interested in return. Plenty of women like older men, and not all are gold-diggers who would be put off by the fact that he isn't rich. Online dating would give him the chance to put out feelers when he likes someone, but she would be able to ignore the message if she didn't feel the same way.

Like everyone, he wants and deserves to be loved. If he is able to find a healthy and consensual relationship, he would be less likely to follow women on the street, which is clearly not on. Maybe you could help him to take the plunge and help him write a profile and take some nice photos of him?

Flashbangandgone · 05/12/2015 09:55

I've only skimmed the thread but no one else seems to have mentioned his inability to look after himself (poor health / filthy flat).

Good point... Until he sorts himself out in this regard he'll struggle to find a relationship with anyone, let alone someone in their early 20s.

He seems to be a fantasist with very little, if any, likelihood of achieving his desires. The more detached from reality he becomes, th more potentiall dangerous he will become. If you want to help him, encourage him to focus on things that will make something more of his life especially regarding his job and flat, and then he may have the confidence to emerge from his fantasy world, and he may just be able to have a relationship with someone close to his own age.

MascaraAndConverse89 · 05/12/2015 10:05

Op would you say the same about a bloke in his early 20s dating a woman in her 40s? Is that "inappropriate" too?

riverboat1 · 05/12/2015 10:22

I think you are right to be worried about your friend, but wrong to say that generally men in their forties mustn't go out with women in their late teens/early twenties.

A schoolfriend got together with a guy she met on a night out, she was 18 he was 40. None of us thought it would work. 15 years later they are still together, married and have just adopted a child.

ChippyOik · 05/12/2015 10:26

I stumbled across a revolting blog by a character called black dragon which might help your friend. it was about how to bang vyw. and by very young women they meant 18-23. it was excruciating. it also described any woman over forty or any woman who disapproved of men going out with young girls as 'shrews'. Horrible stuff.

But your friend is delusional. I'd say, let him get on with it. I hope he doesn't leave any young women feeling too creeped out and traumatised though.

ChippyOik · 05/12/2015 10:29

The bit about him "knowing" that a young woman on the bus wanted him to follow her - wow, that is really disturbing.

I'd distance myself from that guy. I don't think I could be friends with somebody like that. If he has made several comments like that, I'd get the police to go and have a chat with him.

ReginaBlitz · 05/12/2015 10:32

Wow nice friend you are do you even like him? Tbh 21 is grown up I got with my other half when he was 21 and I was pushing 30 and he took 3 kids on. The only creepy thing is the following them bit. If he was talking about 16 year olds then yes may be time to worry. If he is your friend living in filth maybe mention it or help him clean up, comments about him looking terrible aren't very nice if he's so bad don't be friends with him.

HPsauciness · 05/12/2015 10:33

There is nothing unacceptable about that age gap if all parties are reasonably mature and agree.

This is not the case here, though, as he hasn't found any twenty somethings who want to date him and it sounds very unlikely that this would be the case, as he has never had a relationship. So- it's a fantasy age gap and not a real one.

As to whether he's a risk, I don't know, but I know lots of men who think younger women fancy them when they don't, I'm not sure being delusional in this sense is that unusual.

feelingcrossagain · 05/12/2015 10:37

I don't think the issue is the age difference, one of my friend's is married to a woman 23 years younger than him. I think the issue is that your friend seems to be going through an extremely bad time and it sounds like his mental health is deteriorating. Not sure what you do about this though,are there mental health advice lines you could call?

ChippyOik · 05/12/2015 10:38

Mascara, I'd say that that is inappropriate yes. I've had messages from men in their twenties, offering me the opportunity {?) to have sex with a young man. Such a turn off. They see their youth as a high currency that an older woman will be flattered to have. I just see a delusional little arsehole trying to get his leg over with the very group of women that turn him off. It's so fucked up......

I do think it's obvious that a lot of men aren't looking for friendship or compatibility or a connection from a sexual relationship. These are the things women want. Some men, they want a woman who validates what simply isn't true. ie, that they're young and handsome etc...

It is one of the most depressing disconnects about nature I think.

EmmaWoodlouse · 05/12/2015 10:40

This particular man sounds a bit deluded, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that age gap in itself.