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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it is unacceptable for a 45-year-old man to date girls just out of their teens?

188 replies

Werksallhourz · 05/12/2015 02:52

Please someone tell me that I have not slipped through a rip in the fabric of reality here.

I have an old friend who does not have a partner, and has never had a serious relationship. He's now 45.

I had a conversation with him about looking for a partner, and some of the things he was saying started to sound, to me, very disturbing.

He seems to think that there is no problem with him dating a girl in her early 20s. He says that I am "old-fashioned" for saying it is not really appropriate for a man of his age to date a girl so young.

Just to reiterate: we would be talking about a 45 year old man dating a 21 year old girl.

He also seems to be of the opinion that this is okay because young women look at him on the street because "they fancy him". At this point, I started to get alarmed.

When I suggested that he might be mistaken, he claimed that people think he is a lot younger than his age anyway, that girls in their early 20s can be "very mature", and told me this story about how a young woman looked at him on the bus and how he knew she wanted him to follow her when she went to get off.

Now maybe I could understand all this if my friend looked like a something off the cover of Esquire, but he doesn't. He's in very poor physical health -- in fact, I would go so far as to say he looks terrible.

And we are not talking about someone who has done very well in life in conventional terms either. He now lives in a room in a house-share after losing his flat, and as far as I know, he hasn't worked for years. The last time I visited him at his flat, the place was a state: filthy floors, bin-bags of clothes on the floor, holes in the walls, and a strong fetid smell in the air.

I am starting to suspect that his life circumstances have meant that he has become so removed from normal society that he has become delusional.

But most of all, I have a really foreboding feeling about his attitude that it would be okay for him, at 45, to date a 21-year-old, particularly when he seems to think these young women are checking him out on the street. To me, it seems to indicate something worrying, but I am not sure what it is.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Darvany · 08/12/2015 22:15

I once met an older man as a university student when I was nineteen. His wife had always worked and supported him. He had three children aged ten to sixteen. Late forties.

I wasn't romantically involved with him but the crap he came out with Shock Women shouldn't go back to hotel rooms with men (who are staying at hotels) if they don't want to be raped etc Mike Tyson era.

Anyway, it came up in discussion that he would never consider freeing his wife from hormonal contraception and having a vasectomy because, if anything ever happened to his wife, he wanted to marry a much younger woman who might want children. Despite the fact that he wasn't supporting the DC he did have.

He failed his first year and was genuinely astounded because 'all these women passed' Grin and is probably still aggrieved about it.

ChippyOikInTinsel · 08/12/2015 22:20

He sounds extremely weird. I'd walk away OP. I'd get the police to go and have a chat with him. IF they won't then at least you tried.

captainproton · 08/12/2015 22:43

Disengage, you can't save him. Nothing you do can fix him. Protect yourself.

To all the PP stating its sick and sad of men to date young women in their 20s, what about young women in their 20s who actively seek out men older than they are? We do exist you know, although I'm in my 30s now and married to a man nearly 50. You are just as guilty of treating young women as helpless naive creatures as the men you accuse of trying to hook up with them.

I have had one or two age gap relationships since 18 and never did I feel preyed upon. I never felt taken advantage of that I couldn't be myself or had to be some kind of trophy. There are just as many young men that harbour dangerous and unhealthy obsessions with women as old men.

Original poster
Werksallhourz · 08/12/2015 23:09

Apparently, chilled, he just knew because of the way she was staring at him. Just in the way why "he knows" young women on the street stare at him because they fancy him. I have no idea why he believes this.

I tried to suggest that, as a rule, young women on their own don't stare at middle-aged men on the street or on the bus because they fancy them. I tried to explain that, usually, solitary young women don't stare at male strangers in public space because it isn't a very safe practice.

He then told me that I only thought that because I didn't do it myself, but that lots of young women did because they did it to him. Hmm

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 08/12/2015 23:13

He sounds seriously mentally ill, OP. He really does. He obviously isn't capable of looking after himself or his home, and I sincerely hope he isn't a danger to anyone else. From your posts, though, I think he may be.

VestalVirgin · 08/12/2015 23:14

He then told me that I only thought that because I didn't do it myself, but that lots of young women did because they did it to him

Maybe they do look at him because he looks as if he's homeless and they pity him.
There are lots of reasons why young women might stare at him, and considering what you told us about him, that they fancy him is the least likely one.

I don't think police will be interested in him, as he hasn't done anything criminal so far, but maybe you could alert the authorities because of the state of his room.

ColdTeaAgain · 09/12/2015 00:00

It all sounds pretty serious OP, he sounds like a very sorry case tbh but also one who could be potentially a very real danger to women.

You are right to think his behaviour is most likely the reason people have cut him off over the years.

If he isn't alredy I think he needs to be under the radar of adult SS as he clearly isn't able to look after himself.

I also think that the fact he has told you he thinks women want him to follow them regardless of age gives grounds to make a report of concern to the police.

My gut feeling is if he has told you about the woman on the bus then what else has happened that he hasn't mentioned?

kali110 · 09/12/2015 01:17

captain the young women are either gold diggers or vulnerable and naive Hmm

mathanxiety · 09/12/2015 02:37

Agree with Gruntfuttock.

EllieJayJay · 09/12/2015 02:52

Unless he looks like George Clooney - which from the original post he does not...

I think he needs to take a serious look at himself and stop thinking young ladies are interested

EllieJayJay · 09/12/2015 02:53

No gold digger looks at a balding man on a bus and thinks he is the man for me

mathanxiety · 09/12/2015 05:27

Gold diggers are smart enough to understand that if someone has money they are hardly going to be using the bus much.

Brioche201 · 09/12/2015 06:00

Your friend would have to agree to being assessed by SS before they could help

ohtheholidays · 09/12/2015 08:32

The only thing that would worry me is when he said someone looked at him on the bus so he knew that person wanted him to follow them.

That would send massive bloody alarms ringing and red flags waving for me!

That coupled with the way you've said he's living could be a strong indicater to your friend having some mental health problems.

If he has any family being as your so close to him I would be contacting them,he might not thank you for it but I think he's in serious need of some help.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 09/12/2015 08:38

Age gaps I have no issue with. There's a 10 year gap in my own relationship. As everyone has said it's his strange outlook that is disturbing. Also he sounds particularly keen on getting a young girlfriend which I think is another worrying sign. Dp and I just met randomly and it worked out, he wasn't specifically targeting a 22 year old. (My age at the time).

HeadDreamer · 09/12/2015 08:41

Age gaps I have no issue with. There's a 10 year gap in my own relationship. As everyone has said it's his strange outlook that is disturbing.

Yes it's the strange outlook that disturbs me.

As for the age gap. Have you heard the half plus seven rule? For a 40yo, the rule says 27 or older. I know it's what society expects and it's what I am conditioned to think. And hence why I think when I look at fb picture, I think 'gold digger' of my ex-bf and her 20yo gf. If she's late thirties, I think I won't have that feeling.

And YY to if the guy is george clooney, I'm sure rules are bent Grin

HeadDreamer · 09/12/2015 08:42

Late twenties I mean. That's a late twenties with a 40yo.

HeadDreamer · 09/12/2015 08:42

And that's still a 10+ year age gap. As it stands, my ex-bf's gf is more than 20 years younger than him.

SarahSavesTheDay · 09/12/2015 08:46

I would find it very difficult to take a friend seriously if he were dating a woman in her early twenties. Let's say that she's even an atypical early 20-something, even then I would have difficulty.

20 year olds are like a completely different species.

ohtheholidays · 09/12/2015 08:48

I'd only read the first page when I wrote my post,but having read the rest of your posts OP,I'm sure that he really needs the mental health team in his area to know about your friend and whats going on.

You can contact the adult social services in your area,you don't have to give your name.But he really needs help before he hurts himself or someone else.

Bambambini · 09/12/2015 10:30

Captain proton - I'm not looking at it from the point of view of teenagers or early 20 somethings (whether male or female). It's a much older man or women, often old enough to be their father that I find off. It makes me suspicious as to why they want to be with someone so young who is still maturing - as most young people that age usually are. Especially those who seek out younger people, I think it reflects badly on the older person.

PitPatKitKat · 09/12/2015 15:34

Werksallhourz if he causes a glitch in your processing, can you step back and have a look at your process? To dissolve the paradox by improving your process rather than endlessly looping round the data.

  1. Prioritise what type of person you want to be e.g. is it more important to be the kind of person who steps in stop someone innocent being harmed, or is it more important to be the type of person who stands by friends, no matter what?
  2. Do you want to make decisions based on an emotional attachment to a known person or take a more detached standpoint when certain conditions are met e.g. when known person causes harm to others does that warrant taking a step back and taking a more cool headed view.
  3. Do you think that a person being vulnerable and a person being dangerous are mutually exclusive sets? Or is there overlap? Could it be the case that your friend is both vulnerable and dangerous. And therefore, sadly, he warrants help for both. It seems to me a bit that you glitch because you think that his being vulnerable negates the possibility of his being dangerous, or means that he is not responsible/has no control over being dangerous. The latter might be true in an extended sense, but there is other action that is possible to protect innocents.
PitPatKitKat · 09/12/2015 15:35

The numbered points are just meant as possible suggestions!

captainproton · 09/12/2015 19:57

It depends though not all 20 somethings are the same. I have very much been older than my years in terms of interests. I didn't particularly find 20 something males that desirable. A few yes, but they seemed very immature lads, all about booze, FHM etc, no sense of hygiene or cooking skills, reliant on their parents. I left home at 18 and was very independent. So really I did find older men (technically old enough to be my father) a lot more interesting. Not all obviously and certainly not the creepy man who is the subject of this thread.

These men gave me confidence to be myself, they'd lived half a life already and were perhaps a little less impetuous and unlikely to put drinking with mates above other things in life.

Bambambini · 09/12/2015 20:05

Captain - that's partly what i find strange though. You like older men because you find them more mature, interesting, less likely to booze it up as many young men do etc. But older men are attracted to much younger women for what - their maurity, all the interesting things they have achieved, their panache and life experience?