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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it is unacceptable for a 45-year-old man to date girls just out of their teens?

188 replies

Werksallhourz · 05/12/2015 02:52

Please someone tell me that I have not slipped through a rip in the fabric of reality here.

I have an old friend who does not have a partner, and has never had a serious relationship. He's now 45.

I had a conversation with him about looking for a partner, and some of the things he was saying started to sound, to me, very disturbing.

He seems to think that there is no problem with him dating a girl in her early 20s. He says that I am "old-fashioned" for saying it is not really appropriate for a man of his age to date a girl so young.

Just to reiterate: we would be talking about a 45 year old man dating a 21 year old girl.

He also seems to be of the opinion that this is okay because young women look at him on the street because "they fancy him". At this point, I started to get alarmed.

When I suggested that he might be mistaken, he claimed that people think he is a lot younger than his age anyway, that girls in their early 20s can be "very mature", and told me this story about how a young woman looked at him on the bus and how he knew she wanted him to follow her when she went to get off.

Now maybe I could understand all this if my friend looked like a something off the cover of Esquire, but he doesn't. He's in very poor physical health -- in fact, I would go so far as to say he looks terrible.

And we are not talking about someone who has done very well in life in conventional terms either. He now lives in a room in a house-share after losing his flat, and as far as I know, he hasn't worked for years. The last time I visited him at his flat, the place was a state: filthy floors, bin-bags of clothes on the floor, holes in the walls, and a strong fetid smell in the air.

I am starting to suspect that his life circumstances have meant that he has become so removed from normal society that he has become delusional.

But most of all, I have a really foreboding feeling about his attitude that it would be okay for him, at 45, to date a 21-year-old, particularly when he seems to think these young women are checking him out on the street. To me, it seems to indicate something worrying, but I am not sure what it is.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 05/12/2015 03:42

Can you not just say.... Hearing you talk like this creeps me out, can we not talk about it?

BastardGoDarkly · 05/12/2015 03:43

He hasn't followed anyone senpai

mathanxiety · 05/12/2015 03:45

We don't know that. He has stated that he 'knows' at least one young woman wanted him to. If he could say that to someone without batting an eye then I wouldn't put it past him.

AgentZigzag · 05/12/2015 03:48

'young women barely out of their awkward teen years who generally do not have the confidence to rightfully tell him to fuck off'

You've obviously never met the fishwives young women round our way then!

Senpai · 05/12/2015 04:11

You've obviously never met the fishwives young women round our way then!

Well, there's a difference between bravado and confidence. Grin

I'm pretty sure he has a clear understanding they don't want him following them

OfficeGirl1969 · 05/12/2015 04:21

There's no issue with relationships where there's an age difference like this, it doesn't mean anything sinister or worrying at all!

What is concerning is his attitude re all the young women wanting him (when he's actually been consistently single) there's something partly sad and partly creepy about this

Are you offering him any help with the state of his accommodation/looking after himself?

Brioche201 · 05/12/2015 04:21

Well obviously these young women do find him attractive or they wouldn't date him.

Senpai · 05/12/2015 04:28

Well obviously these young women do find him attractive or they wouldn't date him.

But they're not. OP said he's still single in her second sentence. He just wants to date young women and thinks they find him attractive without ever speaking to them. This isn't him finding true love, this is him actively looking for these age groups.

Brioche201 · 05/12/2015 04:35

Ah OK I misunderstood. So he wants to date 21 year olds , rather than is/has got them to go out with him?

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 05/12/2015 05:02

If he were driving around in a top of the range car, wearing an Italian suit, flashing cash, with rock hard biceps and cut-glass cheekbones, then, yes, he might attract attention from young women on the street.

It's honestly a bit hard to tell who IBU when you seem to think expensive possessions (and cheekbones) are the only things that could attract a twentysomething woman to a fortysomething man. Your materialistic view of the world seems just as alien to me as his (admittedly concerning) 'they want me to follow them' public transport mating rituals.

Try suggesting to him that talking to women rather than following them might be better and see what he says?

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 05/12/2015 05:41

He's right, there is no 'problem' with it, it isn't 'unacceptable' if she's over the age of consent and plenty of women on here who have dated or married much, much older men will tell you the same.

Even if she was 16 yesterday and he was 60 (in theory and in law at least) it's a valid and as acceptable as any other relationship. But it would be creepy in most people's eyes.

But that just shows what a blunt instrument the age of consent is. A boy of 18 can lose his virginity to his very much loved girlfriend of almost 16 and get arrested and put on the sex register for it, but if the same girl turned sixteen last week and then shagged a whole room full of 65 year old creeps who target teenagers out of some creepy sense of entitlement to very young women it would all be fine and the police wouldn't be interested or be able to do a thing about it. Hmm

Frankly a 20 to 25 year age gap would raise a few eyebrows with most people, but sometimes people just fall in love and that's that. I don't get it personally, but it's not my business if they are both happy with the situation.

Having said that, if I thought a bloke (or a woman) was systematically targeting much younger partners on purpose I'd just think they were a shallow, deluded and entitled creep with ideas above their station and I think most people would think the same. I don't know many young women of 20ish who would genuinely find many men of their dad's age attractive anyway. I certainly NEVER did. Everyone over 40 just looked OLD to me. And he doesn't sound like much of a catch in anyone's book.

hesterton · 05/12/2015 06:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pseudo341 · 05/12/2015 07:19

Please tell your friend that no woman ever wants to be followed, ever!

Nowt wrong with dating someone much younger, but I do query specifically wanted to do it. If you happen to fall for someone much younger/older then age shouldn't matter, but specifically wanting someone much younger is a bit creepy IMO.

thecatsarecrazy · 05/12/2015 07:35

I would be worried if he's following women. I know of someone who sounds like this although he isn't dishevelled he actually keeps himself tidy.
He's about 47 approach's young women, follows them, asks them if they have the time and asks them out. He ended up with an asbo but he's sill walking the streets every day.
He even used to approach pregnant women and ones with their partner.

teahousecandle · 05/12/2015 07:37

Is he really an old friend? Anyway my ex is a bit younger - 40 next year - but he won't date anyone over 25. He also once slept with a 17 year old when he was 33.

Mehitabel6 · 05/12/2015 07:42

He is just very sad and living in a fantasy world. I would smile, nod and ignore. I don't think he is any danger.

x2boys · 05/12/2015 07:44

i,m not sure whast the problem is tbh yes hes attracted to young women and would like to think there attracted to him to the following thing is creepy but hes not actually doing it , a friend of mine when i was early 30,s she was early 40,s and we were both single had unrealistic expectations too ,she would only date young men with no ties and couldnt understand why most of these men only wanted a short term fling with her and wouldnt consider men her own age who she had far more in common with , i know some age gap relationships work but these were men she met in bars and pubs who were generally not looking for anything serious ayway unless the man in question is actually following these women and stalking them then hes just very unrealistic surely?

lighteningirl · 05/12/2015 07:50

Is he Peter Andre?

CatMilkMan · 05/12/2015 07:55

Maybe he feels about himself the way you feel about him? If he feels like a 45 year old failure who has nothing going for him maybe telling you lies about how happy he is makes him feel less embarrassed.
Maybe other people see something you don't in him and he's having relationships with other adults, either way it's not really any of your business.

WitchWay · 05/12/2015 07:57

DH has a friend aged 50 who only fancies women in their early 20s. He has always done this, but as he has aged he has dumped each girlfriend to have a new younger one Hmm

He was married a long time ago and has a son now about 20. He doesn't want any more children or any stepchildren Confused

He misses out on relationships with attractive women closer to his own age because he finds them "too old"

He dresses far too young and comes across as rather pathetic Sad

tobysmum77 · 05/12/2015 07:58

I agree with shopping trolley

The creepy thing for me is not just the quasi stalking but the deliberate targeting of younger women. Yuck. He also isn't exactly firing on the large bank balance requirement for sugar daddies.

Just sad and delusional.

Mehitabel6 · 05/12/2015 07:59

Before the Internet I knew someone who ran a dating agency and she said the main problem was older men who wanted to meet women in their 20s and wouldn't face the reality that women in their 20s had no wish to meet them.

Mehitabel6 · 05/12/2015 08:02

I expect that the Internet is full of 45yr old men not interested in women over 40yrs- they have the totally unrealistic picture of finding a woman in 20s or early 30s. ( They can of course do this but they need pots of money! )

theycallmemellojello · 05/12/2015 08:03

Yanbu, both on the fact that this guy is a deluded creep and IMO about relationships like this generally. I do think massive age gaps are creepy and sexist and revealing of the priorities of the man. I'm in my late 30s and the idea of seeing a boy of university age as a romantic option is laughable. but many men think nothing if it.

shutupandshop · 05/12/2015 08:04

Does actually date abyone?