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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to resent my dh for changing his mind about another baby

267 replies

Gretasmyname · 02/12/2015 18:48

Hi there,
Im posting here as noone really to discuss with in rl.
Have three dcs. Always wanted four. Dh knew this and although he would have been happy with less (more like 2) he wasnt really fussed.
Anyhow, had 3 and number 4 was on the backburner a while for various reasons but never forgotten about.
Earlier this year brought up the subject again. Dh voiced his opinion that he thought we were busier than ever and had enough on our plate. Said probably would be happy to stick with 3 but would go with what I decided. Hes generally that kind of person.
So have been half heartedly trying with the intention of really making a huge effort. However had a big row last wk and he said he absolutely didnt want more dcs and only agreed because I like my own way.
Feel sick to my stomach.
Someone will be a loser in this..Please dont go hard on me and said I need to just forget it.
Im the type of woman that realky dwells on stufff and I wont get over this.

OP posts:
kali110 · 03/12/2015 15:29

Noone had bullied you or said nasty thing 'feel sorry for your dp' and you feel it's nasty, really?
People feel sorry because for him because of how you post!
If you're like this is real life it's no wonder he's never wanted to have a proper conversation.

People assumed or hoped you were drunk because of your disgusting racist comment.
It doesn't matter if you work in that area or if you're not racist,( in your head) it was racist and an absolutely disgusting comment.
You've deserved to have your arse handed to you.
You would have gotten the same if you'd posted that in relationships, it was disgusting.
It's disgusting that you cannot see that it's wrong and you keep trying to justify it.
You do want things your own way it's clear and it's the same way with conversations.
Your posts have gotten more aggressive because people haven't agreed with you.

kali110 · 03/12/2015 15:31

And you really haven't come across as a nice woman on here

Enjolrass · 03/12/2015 15:33

.I do think it was unacceptable to say about your drinking

Say what about her drinking?

I asked and hoped she had been....because her comments about Immigrants were awful.

No one called her a drunk or even allude to that.

I can't imagine anyone thinking that's ok.....turns out I was wrong.

kitsnicket · 03/12/2015 15:41

Sorry, enjoralrass, misunderstood. Smile

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 03/12/2015 16:05
  1. YANBU to be upset that he actually doesn't want any more children
  2. YABU to be so aggressive when you don't like something someone else has posted. ESPECIALLY when you post something really offensive and then immediately backtrack and say it has been taken wrongly!

And, FWIW, this statement: Have three dcs. Always wanted four. Dh knew this and although he would have been happy with less (more like 2) he wasnt really fussed is what is known as a compromise, whether you used that specific word or not.

ShebaShimmyShake · 03/12/2015 16:13

OP, you don't need to explicitly tell us you browbeat your husband, nobody would expect you to say that. But he apparently said he agreed to something as huge, committed and life changing as a child because even though he didn't want it, it was still preferable to what he was going to get from you if he didn't. And given the attitude you're displaying on this thread, it seems that most of us are inclined to understand where he's coming from...

He should have put his foot down long ere now, for sure. He shouldn't have submitted to you for as long as he did and set precedents. But he's made his feelings clear now and they aren't unreasonable. You have three children already. You don't owe anything to the hypothetical fourth for the simple reason that you don't have any obligations to someone who doesn't actually exist.

But as before, since you're determined to dwell and not get over it...there is precious little any of us can say to you. But as I said before...don't expect the world to take any notice of your self-sabotaging, passive aggressive sulks. It doesn't care about mine either.

Original poster
Gretasmyname · 03/12/2015 16:18

kali
Lets clear this up.
Totally iff topic but I said there arw many migrants who do churn out (probably not a nice phrase I admit) a lot of dcs and dont support them.
You honestly think that is a disgusting racial comment? Slight ott. Disgusting? Generalising yes, not disgusting. You couldnt paint a worse picture of me if you tried.
There are many many communities ( often somalian )where I live,where the norm is to.have huge families. I was merely using that an example when I was accused of putting a strain on tax payers and society.
Baffled.

OP posts:
IoraRua · 03/12/2015 16:21

You don't come across as a lovely kind woman to me.
Your dp doesn't want more, you do. Something has to give and I really think the person who doesn't want children wins this one. There is nothing wrong with him changing his mind.

If you're going to brood and dwell on it, fine, off you go. But I don't think you'll find many supporters on here.

kali110 · 03/12/2015 16:24

Im not painting a picture of you, you're doing that yourself!
I haven't said anything about you that you haven't said in your comments, the problem is that as you don't agree so you don't want to hear it.
You need to grow up.
You won't always get your own way, that's life.
Stamping your feet won't get you anywhere.

kali110 · 03/12/2015 16:25

Clearly from everybodyelse telling you how awful that comment is, no, not ott.
I bet if you said that at work they wouldn't think that either would they?

Original poster
Gretasmyname · 03/12/2015 16:26

I may not have come across as a nice person on here but im in the majority as most other posters havent either.
I have only responded 'aggressively 'in return the the comments ive received. Blatantly twisting my words, making something out of nothing and portraying my dh as some poor hen pecked bloke. We have a happy equal relationship but its pointless trying to explain any further as you have read between the lines and created your own picture of my life. Which is so far removed from real life.
Im done now. Sadly ive been made to look a fool as im not quite as good with my words. But then I guess some on here have more practice at chatting shit on the net all day.

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 03/12/2015 16:27

Blatantly twisting my words, making something out of nothing

The only person doing this is you OP. But you can't see it.

m0therofdragons · 03/12/2015 16:28

Gosh on honeymoon I naively stated I wanted 3 maybe 4 and dh said 2 maybe 3 so we agreed to 3.we then had 1 who had colic and reflux and refused to sleep. We thought maybe 1 was enough. When dd was 2.5 we decided that once over the baby bit it got easier and so we would like a second but 2 was our new perfect number. I had twins! I love my family of 3 but I think it's unfair to assume feelings will remain the same.if we hadn't had twins we probably would have only had 2 dc. Who knows? We all grow and change our wishes as we develop. If your dh agreed to 4 years ago before even having 1 then how could either of you possibly know what you'd want in the future?
You and your dh need to work out you dreams and aspirations for the future and work out if you can agree a plan together. Overall You need to talk and listen. Neither is in the right.

BastardGoDarkly · 03/12/2015 16:28

Charmed, once again.

I agree, you won't get any further with this thread.

I hope your and your dh manage a calm and honest discussion, and that everything works out for you both.

kali110 · 03/12/2015 16:36

Yes, def twisting your words, you must show exactly how i've done that...
Oh but you can't.
You've only had horrible replies since you've posted horrible posts.
You deemed the others horrible because they weren't agreeing with you.
People don't see you as a nice person because your comments are aggressive and vile.
You're right, you're not going to get any further because you can't see that you can possibly be wrong .

Atenco · 03/12/2015 17:24

Stop digging, OP.

ComposHatComesBack · 03/12/2015 17:41

Im done now. Sadly ive been made to look a fool as im not quite as good with my words.

You didn't come across as a fool and your self professed inarticulacy didn't lead to things you said being misinterpreted.

You came across as nasty, aggressive and bigoted.

Notonthestairs · 03/12/2015 18:11

Op - a strong mothering instinct isnt displayed by the number of children you have. I would have loved more children but for the good of my family I stopped (i have one with SEN who needs a great deal of my time and it wouldnt have been fair as already dont have a lot of time left for my eldest and worry about that all the time).

I consider that makes me a good mother (not a better mother than you but nevertheless a good mother). So stop with the throwing it around that posters arent sufficiently maternal.

But YANBU for mourning the potential loss of your 4th child. YANBU is feeling let down by your partner. I get that your fture is potentially being reshaped and you dont feel like you have a lot of control.

But you do need to listen to him - talk to him calmly about what he wants. Discuss what you want and then try to reach an agreement.

And I get that you dont feel like dwelling on how lucky you actually are already. But you are, really, really lucky.

Notonthestairs · 03/12/2015 18:13

that should read future not fture...

Headmelt · 03/12/2015 22:21

Op playing the victim doesn't change the facts. Your partner does not want any more children. If he had said it in the heat of the moment during an argument, he would have calmed down by now and reverted back to wanting another child, he didn't. You are "hard work", your dp may have a quiet life once your children are grown if he wears earplugs but he won't have an easy life with you.

Senpai · 03/12/2015 23:31

Totally iff topic but I said there arw many migrants who do churn out (probably not a nice phrase I admit) a lot of dcs and dont support them.
You honestly think that is a disgusting racial comment? Slight ott. Disgusting? Generalising yes, not disgusting. You couldnt paint a worse picture of me if you tried.

You're right.

Jews hoard money and control the media. Black people all have HIV. Those aren't racist at all, just generalizations. Clearly anyone disagreeing is overreacting.

Here's the thing about racism you don't have to call someone a slur to be racist. Making a sweeping negative generalization about a marginalized group of people to "other" them is racist and it is disgusting.

Frankly, I think it's more damaging to give an "opinion" that black people are all thugs and deserve to be shot, because they're arrested so often, than it is to point and say "nigger" as they walk down the street. One is a disgusting word, another is a disgusting idea that encourages people to justify othering people and seeing them as lesser which is far more damaging.

kali110 · 04/12/2015 00:55

Oh Senpai don't twist the op's words.
She can't be racist as she's involved in this area...Xmas Hmm

Original poster
Gretasmyname · 04/12/2015 07:26

Just had flick through thread. Cant belive still aload of rubbish being spouted. The racist comment has taken over my own topic.
How has it come to this thqt I cannot voice an opinion about what I have observed. Clearly most mumsnetters live in a different environment to my self . I know what im talking about even if I haven't explained my myself well. If that makes me a racist, then yeah im a racist.
As for me being 'hard work'. Im smiling away to myself. Of course I come across like that as my posts make me sound angry and annoyed. And I am. At slme if the posts on mumsnet. Not the opinions. I asked for those. But the suggestions that my poor dh has a hard life with me and hes too terrified to voice an opinion. How can you know that about someone from reading a few sentences?
In that case, many posters also sound like 'hard work'. Droning on about settling what you have (martyrs) or on some moral crusade to save the world. I bet you dhs are bored to tears. Probably dont allow your dcs cakes at parties, dont wear make up and are dedicated to your careers. Yawn. Lol lol
Anyway im seriously done now. Anyhow, plus point is I dont feel upset now just irritated that ive wasted so much time on here.

OP posts:
KakiFruit · 04/12/2015 07:31

I'm glad you've admitted being racist but I hope you're going to do something about it instead of being happy with that state of affairs.

Original poster
Gretasmyname · 04/12/2015 07:52

kaki,
Thats a classic.
I admit deafeat. You have all worn me down.

OP posts: