Aibu to resent my dh for changing his mind about another baby

[Gretasmyname]

Hi there,
Im posting here as noone really to discuss with in rl.
Have three dcs. Always wanted four. Dh knew this and although he would have been happy with less (more like 2) he wasnt really fussed.
Anyhow, had 3 and number 4 was on the backburner a while for various reasons but never forgotten about.
Earlier this year brought up the subject again. Dh voiced his opinion that he thought we were busier than ever and had enough on our plate. Said probably would be happy to stick with 3 but would go with what I decided. Hes generally that kind of person.
So have been half heartedly trying with the intention of really making a huge effort. However had a big row last wk and he said he absolutely didnt want more dcs and only agreed because I like my own way.
Feel sick to my stomach.
Someone will be a loser in this..Please dont go hard on me and said I need to just forget it.
Im the type of woman that realky dwells on stufff and I wont get over this.

It's not unreasonable to feel disappointed. It is unreasonable to bully/blackmail your partner into more children when they don't want them.

What is the magic of four for you? Is it the desire to have another tiny baby in your life again? Or is there something about the family dynamics of four that seems right to you? Is it that you like the role of being mother to small children, and feel a bit lost without it as an identity?

I will say, we only have two, and we notice that they are more expensive as they get older. We would have to radically alter our expectations about lifestyle and the children's education if we had four.

Ok deep breath greta.
Okay firstly, yes I should have pisted in relationships but I thought I may get more responses here.
I.did expect, yes you are bekng unreasonable overally, but certain not the levels of anger and sheer annoyance at me!
Much of post has be totally fabricated. I have not said half the stuff that has been said! Well the migrants comment, looking back I should have guessed how it wouod be totally taken out of context.
My comment was to basically illustrate that thede are many migrants who have huge families who they dont support. Of course many non migrants do too. However, there are are some who culturally generally have very large families and I mean way bigger than four. And this, is actually an area I do know about and am involved somewhat. But this is irrelevant and not what I wanted to discuss. I was just defending comments directed at me suggesting my implications on having a big family and the effect on society. What is four kids so odd? In my circle and amongst people I know etc its actually not unusual at all. Comments that I should be happy with 2,3,or even grateful I can have kids are not necessary.
Nowhere have I said that I have blackmailed, coerced or tricked dh into having any of our children. Though it has been mentioned several times.
A comment that I deliberately stopped contraception. No where have I even mentioned contraception!
Someone suggesting I have psychological issues. And suggest help. Really? For having a maternal urge. You would think id said ive kidnapped a child.
Oh a really nasty one saying that having a baby would cause ill effects on my other dcs? And you know this how? My dcs would love a sibling!
Numerous posts about financial costs. I havent mentioned money. My dp hasnt changed his mind for financial reasons.
And I think the absolute classic. Posts that I was drunk.last night. Did I say id gone out for a drink? And even better that the alcohol (that I hadnt drunk:-) was adversely affecting my behaviour. Unreal.
I have never said anywhere that I would Leave Dh. Hardly. We have been together a long, long time. All our children have been planned but if I did get pregnant accidentally and I dont mean 'tricking' him before someone else jumps on the bandwagon. If that did happen, there would no question of him leaving me.
It would not be a deal breaker for him if we had another child, just apparently something he doesnt want to choose.
Lots more I could comment on but a bit of a waste as peoplr appear to be making their own assumptions on what my.life is.like.

Please excuse typos. Phone keeps freezing. Hope its readable.

The migrant comment wasn't taken out of context, it was very clear. At least own your bigoted attitude.

You said it would be a deal breaker for you, and you couldn't get over it?

OP when you are in a hole stop digging. You knew exactly what you were saying re migrants.

OP, the fact that migrants, or indeed anyone else, have large families is utterly irrelevant to the fact that your husband doesn't want a fourth child and it sounds as though your browbeat him into the third. He wanted two, you want four, you've got three. This is a perfect compromise. Are you teaching your children that they're entitled to anything they see anyone else having?

If you post in AIBU, expect responses from people as to whether or not they think you're being unreasonable. Relationships gets plenty of traffic too, I'm really not buying the idea that you posted it here for the views.

You told us in your opening post that you are determined to be the kind of person who dwells on things and refuses to move on. I can't judge you for this because I'm guilty of that behaviour as well. But I can tell you from my own experience that the world does not care about your passive aggressive sulks any more than it does mine, and you will only waste time being resentful and angry (again, I speak from experience). If you're determined to dwell, not move on and resent your husband and life because you have only three children when he wanted two, we won't persuade you otherwise.

Your husband is possibly partly to blame because he's allowed a precedent to be set whereby he submits to anything you say in order to get a quiet life. But if he's put his foot down now, well, kids and a household are supposed to be a partnership and he's got a say in this too.

You could have just "both my husband and I work, so it's not like we're having children we can't afford".

The only "point" bringing migrants in to it makes is that you're racist.

Not sure if you are back tracking or purposely misreading posts.

People suggested counselling to help you move past this, if it never happens. Not because you must need help or have Psychological problems. You said Im the type of woman that realky dwells on stufff and I wont get over this. the suggesting of counselling was to help you get past it. Noting being able to move past disappointments isn't healthy.

Yes, I suggested you may have been drinking, because the immigrant comment was out of order. I hoped there was something else that was effecting your actions. There is no justifying that at all. Regardless of where you live or who you are involved with.

There is no excuse for shit like that.

You said it was a deal breaker, no one else. You said you won't move past it. You said your dh feels he can't talk to you because you have to have your own way.

People have discussed money as its a big thing to consider when having a baby, if it's your first or your tenth.

I honestly can see why your dh didn't speak to you about this.

sheba
Yet again morw fabrication. Where have I said ive browbeaten dh into having the 3rd dc? Not at all. I think people arent reading properly. I will make it clear:
I always wanted children. So did dh. I kind of thought 4 would be a nice family for various reasons. Dh didnt specify a number as such as it wasnt something that bothered him or wasnt important either way. If I had said one is enougjt for me he would have said fine. Equally, he was quite happy when we had further dcs.
No browbeating involved. What kind of pleasure would I gain from suppodeldly bullying a partner into a life he didnt want.
He is in fact very easy going, quute a home body, even more than me really.
I am not a spoilt child. I do dwell on stuff a bit. I cant see me ever saying im glad I didn't have another child.
Its a dealbreaker in the sense one of us will have to compromise what we want but not a deal breaker in the sense of separating. Few few things would cause that.
Migrant comment- dont care what other people do or how many dcs they have. What I was trying to illustrate please dont pick on me for habing a fourth and tje apparent drain on the economy when I am supporting my (average sized family). And I didn't ask for a discussion on society. Just dh and me.
Oh ive just spotted another quite odd comment that im panicking as my eggs are running out/ decline in fertility. News to me. Have I given my age?

Yes I'm racist. Im it makes you feel better.
Crazy.

What is "deal breaker" (your words) supposed to mean other than something which breaks the deal, i.e your relationship? Using the words deal breaker made it sound like you were going to leave your marriage and break up your family over this?

How else were readers supposed to interpret it?

Or is it just something you've read on MN and decided would fit nicely here?

As for the "migrants" comment, I'd stop digging and apologise if I were you. A "migrant" saved the life of my sister and baby when he was born with all sorts of complications. Can't speak from personal experience as I have never been able to get pregnant let alone have my own child/children. I'm not saying this to make any kind of point, even if you take it as one.

And yes I and many others do think we have come to a point where we all have to take personal responsibility for the kind of world "our" children will inherit rather than simply blaming governments or migrants or Asians or Africans while carrying on doing exactly as we please. And "paying taxes" does not automatically make you into a human with more rights, and as others have pointed out, with a large family like yours unless you are earning a substantial income it's very likely that you are NOT a net contributer. So if you want it to come down to taxes, am I allowed to be angry that my taxes are paying for your child benefit and child prescriptions?

Perhaps you ought to compromise here. Three children is a reasonable amount. Three is enough to satisfy your reproductive urge. As someone else said why don't you look into fostering in a few years?

Actually i think YANBU although your migrant comment was pretty shitty. You dp wanting 3 should not trump you wanting 4, and neither should you wanting 4 trump his wanting 3. But imo it comes down to will he resent you more for having another child more than you will resent him if you dont have anymore? Thats the compromise and no side trumps the other. As for contraception, if your dp is the one who wishes to stop a pregnancy then he is the one that has to take responsibility for contraception, be that vasectomy, condoms or abstention. There is another thread along these lines about contraception and the general viewpoint is that the person who wants to stop any pregnancy is the one who has to take responsibility for it. Obviously you would make clear to your husband if you did come off any contraception and made clear the ball was in his court. As for other posters saying people should only have 2 children, do fuck off. 2 is the below the repopulation rate and granted this rate is typically much higher in other countries, i dont see why people in the UK should have less to counter that? (Im assuming op is in the UK).

Yeah, I think we all got that about you, OP

As someone else observed, your husband already has four kids.

Enjol, this is quite ridiculous.
I think peoole are deliberately picking my posts apart and looking for an argument. Think too much time.on peoples hands. Do get so worked up about whether or not I can afford more dc and other crap that I havent asked for an opinion on.
The racist card is plain daft. It was a quite innocent and factually true comment. Many ethnic communities for example somalians have very large families. More than double my size. Fair play to them. But pleae dont question me having a more 'average'number of dcs and my ability to support. There are people who are a drain on society and it sure aint me.
I didnt realise that there was a mums net standard acceptable number of dcs.
To call someone a racist on a comment that they made in an area that they have experience in and are making an observation on is political correctness gone mental.

"do fuck off"???

That's intelligent and also charming.

Two is below the repopulation rate...good. There are way too many people already, hence the situation the world finds itself in today. Reducing not maintaining should be the aim. But those facts always get shouted down on MN.

I just hope the 'area' you have experience in, Is not one which is helping these people. You're a racist whether you admit to it or not.

hester, other countries may be overpopulated. UK is not, nowhere near it. In fact we are looking at a population crisis as there is not enough young people to support the older generation. So yh, i stand by my comment. Fuck off, maybe to one of those overpopulated countries where you can tell them they are being selfish for having too many children.

There was a post a few months ago in relationships by a man who had decided against having a 3rd/4th and had to tell his wife. He had not been keen on the idea and had told her "maybe in the future" and it had been on the backburner for a while and then he had decided that he would not like to have another. He was told to tell his wife NOW and let her make the decision whether to find someone else to have another with or to get her head around the fact that she would not have any more children.

I think that though you are allowed to be upset and "mourn" for the family that you are not going to have - which is natural - you need to decide whether you're grateful for your DP's honesty now rather than leading you on for another 6 months, a year, two years having it on the backburner before finally telling you - and enjoy the children, the family that you have - or if you can't.

Lealander
I really have no.clue as to what you are talking about.
Re:taxes hester, well by your reasoning then you are probably funding most of mumsnet. Most posters are parents.
And as for reproductive urge? You make it sound like im popping kids out in double figures. I have had three very wanted and planned kids who we support.and habe a jolly good childhood I think. Wanting a fourth is hardly something fot people to get their knickers in twist about.
Please remember what I originally posted about before is got all ridiculously off on a tangent about god knows what.
That was I felt resentment as my dh has changed his mind about a baby even though we have been trying. Whether you agree with four, five or ten dcs thats not what im asking. Maybe many of you arent that maternal, have.little time or patience for any more dcs, doeant mean.my life is the bloody same!

For me, the bottom line is that someone not wanting children trumps someone wanting children. Children really do need to be an active and free choice by both partners. That said, I can totally understand your disappointment.

However, I think you have a lot to lose by wallowing in self pity and blaming it all on your husband, and conversely a lot to gain by focusing on the family you do have, the marriage you do have, and appreciating them.

You really should be talking to your husband. it probably took a fair bit of courage to stand up to you on this. You're just going to go around in circles on here.

harrassed It all depends on how you define "overpopulated."

England is the most densely populated country in Europe.

Thanks redhen. Thats the kind if support I was hoping for.
Racist comment again. Yawn. Lets maybe address the blant bullying, rudeness (my dp being a poor bastard), total twisting of my posts. Sheer self righteousness. I could go on.
When I have deserved this I dont know. I do think some people lead a double life on the Internet. Come on quite superior and talk about what they want to vent about. Some posters are very eloquent. And those who shout loudest get heard.
Lots of very twisted comments that ive tricked my dh. Hasnt he tricked me?
And I make one commebt about some ethnic communities having very large families who they may not support and im branded a racist.
Yet direct bullying towards me is clearly ok and egged on.
Im baffled at how posters are quite offended on my dhs behalf.

Greta, gosh thanks for pointing that out!

I was in fact "being ironic".

Reproductive urge is a basic biological thing, which I acknowledged. It means wanting to reproduce. I have not made it sound like you are popping kids out in double figures.

It's interesting the way you use phrases like " getting your knickers in a twist" in response to perfectly well thought out and measured posts, when you were the one posting late at night using fairly furious language.

Have a fourth if you want. Go for it. There.