Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to resent my dh for changing his mind about another baby

267 replies

Gretasmyname · 02/12/2015 18:48

Hi there,
Im posting here as noone really to discuss with in rl.
Have three dcs. Always wanted four. Dh knew this and although he would have been happy with less (more like 2) he wasnt really fussed.
Anyhow, had 3 and number 4 was on the backburner a while for various reasons but never forgotten about.
Earlier this year brought up the subject again. Dh voiced his opinion that he thought we were busier than ever and had enough on our plate. Said probably would be happy to stick with 3 but would go with what I decided. Hes generally that kind of person.
So have been half heartedly trying with the intention of really making a huge effort. However had a big row last wk and he said he absolutely didnt want more dcs and only agreed because I like my own way.
Feel sick to my stomach.
Someone will be a loser in this..Please dont go hard on me and said I need to just forget it.
Im the type of woman that realky dwells on stufff and I wont get over this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gretasmyname · 04/12/2015 07:53

And sarcasm is totally wasted on mumsnet.
Lighten up guys.

OP posts:
echt · 04/12/2015 07:57

Upthread you said you were done now, and sincerely hoped it meant you'd fucked off.

Yet here you are.

"Lighten up" on racist sentiments. I don't think so.

Prettyinblue · 04/12/2015 08:04

The reason th racist topic is so important is that if you were a decent person then I would be more inclined to think it as in anyway a good idea for you to have more children. But who wants more racists in the world?

Alisvolatpropiis · 04/12/2015 08:06

Sorry nobody got your sarcastic racism. Poor you.

Enjolrass · 04/12/2015 08:22

But the suggestions that my poor dh has a hard life with me and hes too terrified to voice an opinion.

So you dh is entirely happy with your marriage? The one where you always get your way?

Glad you have admitted it was racist.

Let's be honest, it doesn't matter what other people do. Some people throw litter, I don't feel entitled to throw litter, because some else does.

Some people feel having too many kids is not a good thing now. The fact that people do it, doesn't mean everyone should.

IndridCold · 04/12/2015 10:16

Of course I come across like that as my posts make me sound angry and annoyed.

Yes, they do, resulting in quite a bizarre thread, even by mumsnet standards Hmm.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 04/12/2015 10:19

He hasn't changed his mind. He told you he only wanted two and you've pushed him in to having three. And now you want to push it again. Aren't the three you have enough for you? I just don't get this?!

waitingforsomething · 04/12/2015 10:21

You're not losing. You've got 3 children already.
Sounds like a compromise had already been made and you shouldn't bring a child into the world when one person didn't want it.
I wanted 3, dh just 2. We have stopped at 2 as I wouldn't force tgis.

contrary13 · 04/12/2015 10:33

Regarding the comment about how migrants "churn out" large families - isn't that, if they're first (maybe even second) generation immigrants who have come from cultures where they have, perhaps, been poorly educated and where the infant mortality rate is extremely high? Haven't they left, or fled their native countries due to things like war, famine, the desire for their children to (a) survive and (b) have a better life than they, themselves, did whilst growing up in... well, you quoted Somalians, OP, so... Somalia.

Don't those immigrant families then, within a few generations tend to cease "churning out" large families, due to the fact that their descendants tend to receive a better, Westernised education than their parents/grandparents, and choose to continue to live in a culture where the infant mortality rate is pretty low? Where each spouse, or partner has the right to say "no" and be heard and/or listened to during a rational conversation about how to move forwards?

Of course, I may be simply generalising...

kali110 · 04/12/2015 10:51

Yes you do sound hard work simply from Just a few of your posts..
You don't want to admit that it could possibly be you that's wrong, it has to be everybodyelse on mumsnetHmm
Yes i can see other pople are hard work from their posts simply for disagreeing with you.
I hope you don't come back too.
The racism has taken over because it's vile.
You just don't/can't admit it.

Original poster
Gretasmyname · 04/12/2015 11:00

Im trying to stay away from this,but grrr! Really guys, please read properly.

iliveatthebeach,
He has NEVER EVER said that he wanted 2 dcs. Initially when we discussed having dcs (always knew wanted them) I said id like four. You dont know how its going to pan out he was happy with this. Hes not the kind of man to get massively excited or enthusiastic about anything. Even as a child he was apparently the same.
He doesn't generally care if the house is painted white or purple. If we go.to Spain or Greece. Thats kind of thing. He just goes with the flow.
So when I said he would have been happy with 2 children then I meant if I wanted to stop at 2. Equally he would have said fine if id have said that after one id had enough. He doesn't get massively worked up about stuff.
Hes not like this because hes scared of me. Just because he knows the most dcs id ever have for various reasons id four.

So his change of mind is out of character (and probably just said in anger).
As for the further comment that why arent I happy with 3. I am. I was happy with 1dc.
In that case why would anyone go on to have more?!
I just felt id.like one more. Is that odd? Posters dont seem to be able to grasp it.
All those who have more than one dc, werent you happy and grateful with what you had?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Gretasmyname · 04/12/2015 11:03

'And pushed him into having three'. Where on earth have I said that.
I think its difficult for me to put into.writing what I could easily verbalise.
Lots of clever mum netters skimming through and picking out bit and makibg them into something else.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 04/12/2015 11:04

Have you spoke to him about it?

Original poster
Gretasmyname · 04/12/2015 11:06

Even if had spoken to him about it, do you honestly think id post about it on here?

OP posts:
kali110 · 04/12/2015 11:08

People aren't picking your thread!
They're just giving a different opinion!
What do you do in rl when people disagree with you?
Do you manage to stay calm them?
People aren't picking your posts apart, just saying what you've written.

Bunbaker · 04/12/2015 11:09

"I just felt id.like one more. Is that odd? Posters dont seem to be able to grasp it."

I admit that I don't. Ideally I would have wanted two, but I only managed to have one. The thought of having four children, with all the extra chores and drudgery etc makes me want to lie down in a darkened room.

I don't judge people for wanting four children, I just don't understand why anyone wants that many, in the same vein, I don't understand why people like doing triathlons.

Original poster
Gretasmyname · 04/12/2015 11:15

Kali
People arent reading. Saying that dh was pushed into 3 dcs. They are skimming through and reading and presuming thats how it is.
Im getting snappy as I asked a genuine question but got some odd responses. Im not interested why othet peiple ckme to their decisions regarding a family. I was telling what mine were.
We agreed on four dc he changed (maybe temporarily) his mind. I felt resentment. Quite normal.
Im sure he would feel resentment if I changed my mind on something that was important to him.
I wanted just to rant I guess. I didn't want be judged on how many I wanted or whether I can afford them. Or whether I could apy for hypothetical university fees!

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 04/12/2015 11:17

Riiiiiiight, so you don't want to post about it anymore? Are you just here to argue now then? Hmm

Why don't you just hide the thread? Confused

Original poster
Gretasmyname · 04/12/2015 11:18

And yes of course I stay calm if people disagree with me in rl.
What do you do when asked for an opinion? Are you judgemental, opiniated, sarcastic? Or are you a wimp away from your keyboard?Grin

OP posts:
kali110 · 04/12/2015 11:20

You can't have a reasonable conversation!
You one post was actually calm but then there you are you read something you don't like and your straight back to bitchiness.
This is why people feel sorry for your dh as they wonder if this is what he has to put up with.

Bunbaker · 04/12/2015 11:23

I know quite a few people who wanted four. When reality struck home after three they stopped because they found three was enough. I suspect this is how your husband feels.

You have a busy enough life already. He doesn't want it any busier. I can understand that. Surely you must be able to?

waitingforsomething · 04/12/2015 11:26

In your op you suggest it's really going to affect your life not to have 4 and you will lose out. In your last post more of a 'just fancy one more'. My point is 3 kids is quite a lot - you have no reason to think you are losing by not having 4dc- if your dh doesn't really want one then 3 is quite a lot to be getting on with.

CheesyNachos · 04/12/2015 11:27

I am not quite understanding though. If your DH is very easy going, and does not mind most things and is happy to go with the flow, then why are you not hearing him when he says he wants to stop at 3?

00100001 · 04/12/2015 11:30

I think you came across in a way you didn't intend in your OP. But how else can people interpret your post when presented the way it was?

As it is, you shouldn't force/trick your DH into having an extra child (not suggesting you would) so that only reasonable thing you can do is have a sensible chat with him about it all. but if he doesn't want another child, you must respect his wishes.

This isn't the same thing as someone saying "I'd love kids, defintiely" and you partly basing a relationship on that, then that person going "Ugh, I never wanted kids, stop asking". That scenario is full on lying and changing your mind, and being deceitful etc.

However, your situation is he wasn't bothered how many he had, until now. It doesn't sound like he has "Changed his mind" it sounds like, he's now just decided he only wants three.

So yes, you will have to make a compromise in this if he genuinely doesn't want a fourth child.

Would it be fair of him to put pressure on you to have an extra child that you didn't want? Would it be fair for him to resent you not wanting an extra child?

Enjolrass · 04/12/2015 13:05

You have a great marriage so speak to him.

I don't think you have since you still don't seem to know why said what he said.

Your OP said Always wanted four. Dh knew this and although he would have been happy with less (more like 2) he wasnt really fussed.

you said he would have been happy with 2. No one made that up.

You are the one saying you won't move past it/can't forget it.

So what are your options.

Hope he comes round
Leave
Live in a marriage where you resent him
Accept it

Since you can't do the last one it only leave the first 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread