Aibu to resent my dh for changing his mind about another baby

[Gretasmyname]

Hi there,
Im posting here as noone really to discuss with in rl.
Have three dcs. Always wanted four. Dh knew this and although he would have been happy with less (more like 2) he wasnt really fussed.
Anyhow, had 3 and number 4 was on the backburner a while for various reasons but never forgotten about.
Earlier this year brought up the subject again. Dh voiced his opinion that he thought we were busier than ever and had enough on our plate. Said probably would be happy to stick with 3 but would go with what I decided. Hes generally that kind of person.
So have been half heartedly trying with the intention of really making a huge effort. However had a big row last wk and he said he absolutely didnt want more dcs and only agreed because I like my own way.
Feel sick to my stomach.
Someone will be a loser in this..Please dont go hard on me and said I need to just forget it.
Im the type of woman that realky dwells on stufff and I wont get over this.

Yes I do think you're unreasonable. You do sound like you want your way or they'll be hell to pay and it's pretty obvious you'll get what you want if you're not using contraception. He needs to sort that part out with condoms or preferably the snip.

The balls in his court tbh on what happens next as you'll be actively trying.

Yanbu to be disappointed and upset.

Yabu to try to think of ways to get round him or guilt him into it, becuse enough won't at least try and move past it.

Yabu to say that people never regret a baby they did have. That's so wrong. In fact my birth split my parents up. Dad only wanted one. As a result both me and my brother grew up in a single parent family. It was fine. But now as an adult I can see how the ext stress of second (I have two) is hard and if you don't want the second it must be even harder.

Me and dad get in really well and he doesn't hold it against me and hasn't treated me any differently.

But it's hard to grow knowing that had it been His choice, I wouldn't be here.

Dad is a good dad, but it's still there.

The number of children you have should never be a set number. Things change, circumstances change.

You say you are super busy, but another won't make a difference? Of course it will.

What about the effect on your other kids?

I don't want to be harsh, because you are obviously upset. But it sounds like his reasoning is correct.

He said it in anger. So did he do it because he was angry or has he been trying to tell you this for a while and you keep trying to leave the door open on it, then he got mad and told you how he really feels.

If you are with someone that is set on a decision and really dwells and takes things to heart, it makes it very hard to be honest sometimes.

he's let you have your own way so far, he sounds very laid back. It sounds like he's reached a breaking point, thought it all through and really doesn't want anymore. What if you had the fourth and then wanted a fifth?

he said he absolutely didnt want more dcs and only agreed because I like my own way.

This is the key phrase in the situation, and from your posts I can see where he is coming from!

He already has compromised on three, and you are furiously refusing to reciprocate. Compromise only works if both sides do it.

YABU

I wanted 2, DH wanted 1. We have 1, and I was scared to death when I had a pg scare a month or so ago...because it would have been an accident and I could not see DH coming round to it. I don't think forcing a child on an unwilling parent is a happy way to go for anyone.

You have 3. I know that your feelings are your feelings, and that IS fine. But also, please be - if not happy, then at least content with what you have.

Ask yourself why you want a 4th. Why is 4 so much better than 3? What will a 4th one give you that you don't already have? Try and answer these questions in your own mind and then talk to him.

But you might have to reconcile with it not happening and prepare yourself for that.

He needs to wear a condom or get a vasectomy then.

Can I just say that financially 4 small children is manageable. 4 teenagers is a different thing. We had 3. The cost of the food bills was terrible. Then they would all have growth spurts at the same time, and only adult clothes fit. Phones.....games.....social lives......it all costs.

A "deal breaker" means it will end you marriage.

Is that what you mean?

You will split up over the fact that he's being honest about not wanting another? Do your children suspect how you feel? If so how do you think it makes them feel, seeing their mother unhappy because she doesn't have (yet) another child.

As a PP poster said, what do you think four will give you that three haven't?

He needs to wear a condom or get a vasectomy then.

Yes. Preferably both, if he is really sure about not wanting another child. It is not fair to place the burden of contraception on her when she doesn't even want to avoid a pregnancy.

I'd say: Quit the pill, use condoms, and don't stress yourself over pregnancy scares. If there is an accident, then you have place for one more, if not, your husband gets what he wants.

Many couples end up with one child more than they had planned, so I'd not plan four if I can't feed five.

Its hogwash about not regretting having a child. said by broody women

Sorry OP, I understand you are disappointed but as others have pointed out, there is a lot of "I won't get over it" and even "it's a deal breaker for me".

Stop and think.

Is it really? Because if it is then something is very wrong. It's ok to want four children but it's not ok to say your marriage hinges on it. Your DH sounds very easy going, but what if he wasn't? What if he said, "if you don't stop at three, I can't ever forgive you?". Just because he has been passive so far, it doesn't make his view less valid.

You really do need to think about the balance of your argument I think.

And then what if you have four and decide you want five? Or six? Where does it end?

As others have said, your husband has made a major compromise already. Children are not pets. Bringing yet another one into the world will have major ramifications for your family's finances, his and your old-age prospects, etc.

Also, another child will have major ramifications on other human beings and other species. The planet already teems with excess people, excess human labor capacity - all vying for dwindling natural resources. Do you really think it's fair to your fellow human beings for your reproduction to exceed replacement rate even more than you already have? Just because you "always dreamed of" a house bustling with lots of kids?

We all have unmet dreams, and producing a human being just to fulfill them is pretty selfish. If you want more kids in your life - if you have a surplus of nurturing ability, time and energy - there are MANY who could use a positive role model, guidance, affection and fun. Perhaps seek out opportunities to volunteer and make a difference in the lives of many children. They don't have to be your bio-offspring to matter.

Yanbu to be disappointed. But that is as far as it goes really...he has compromised thus far and I really wouldn't want another with a half hearted father. However contraception is his responsibility in this instance, if he doesn't want any more then it is up to him to prevent it.

We have debated a third and haven't been taking measures to prevent...but neither of us feel strongly either way at the moment.

Foster! That's what I want to do in a few years.

Quit the pill, use condoms, and don't stress yourself over pregnancy scares.

If you quit the pill you need to tell him that.

It's not as though you've been robbed of motherhood in any way. Three kids is a lot by any measure, you're being completely unreasonable. Would you actually leave him with the intention of finding another man to have a fourth with? Or just leave him on principle?

Shocking. He made a promise as someone who couldn't possibly appreciate the implications of four children. He's 75% of the way there. Give the guy a break.

Do you really think it's fair to your fellow human beings for your reproduction to exceed replacement rate even more than you already have?

As long as she brings her children up to be responsible, sensible citizens, I don't really mind. Apparently she has easy births so, more power to her!

Not all women want to give birth, so the replacement rate will even out, at least in the countries that consider women human and give us bodily autonomy.

She can send her daughters to Germany as au pairs. We will then lack young people because our government is stupid and birth numbers are therefore below replacement rate.

I am so sorry to say this (because I do believe your yearning is real and you are already feeling really emotional), but I think you are being quite selfish in this, OP.

You can clearly tell us what your DH thinks and feels and says, yet even so, I don't think you are properly hearing him.

He has already compromised, in having three. He doesn't want another child, Greta.

Doesn't he count in this? Really count. Will you leave him because he won't have another child? Or do you expect him to back down and let you have your own way?

As one of four, from what was a relatively wealthy family, I would never ever ever have four children. I think that you are maybe romanticising the idea a little. In reality four children is very different from the Brady Bunch scenario I feel like you have in your head.

Respect your other half's wishes. And be grateful for what you have.

Not all women want to give birth, so the replacement rate will even out, at least in the countries that consider women human and give us bodily autonomy.

The vast majority of women have children, unfortunately - otherwise we wouldn't be in our current predicament. I doubt the OP is interested in the environmental implications of her plan so it's rather irrelevant, but I couldn't let this pass without comment. The population will climb to 9 billion before it levels off even with below-replacement birth rates in some countries so your comment is pretty silly.

I don't think your selfish or unreasonable. You want 4, he said it was ok then changed his mind and brought it up in an argument. He could have been way more sensitive.

It's great too that's he's ok with 3 after saying he'd prefer 2. It's great he wants you to be happy. Ultimately you need to have a good chat with him again and see if you both come to an agreement.

Yabu and you will get over it. I think he has already let you have your own way with 3.
I do know someone with 2 who went for a third when her Dh said no more. He left before the child was 1. Not worth the risk surely.

Yes, of course you're unreasonable to resent him for changing his mind. Nobody should be forever held to decisions they made at any one point in their lives based on their feelings and circumstances then. That's just not how life works.

On the one hand I can see why you're upset that he apparently led you on by "half trying". On the other, I think it's likely that he just didn't want to upset you or cause the upheaval he no doubt knew it would by admitting how he really felt about another baby, and was just hoping that if you were only half-trying it wouldn't happen at all, rather than that he actively wanted to dupe you.

Being a parent means putting your needs and wants behind those of your (existing) children. You know that. Do you think it's positive for your children to live in an atmosphere where their mother resents their father? They'll pick up on discord between you. Is another child so much of a deal breaker for you that you'd break up your family over it? If so, assuming that your DH is a good and loving father, would that really be the best thing for your children?

Have you considered counselling, to help you explore why 4 is such a magic number that you can't have with 3? Among any other feelings and emotions.