Aibu to resent my dh for changing his mind about another baby

[Gretasmyname]

Hi there,
Im posting here as noone really to discuss with in rl.
Have three dcs. Always wanted four. Dh knew this and although he would have been happy with less (more like 2) he wasnt really fussed.
Anyhow, had 3 and number 4 was on the backburner a while for various reasons but never forgotten about.
Earlier this year brought up the subject again. Dh voiced his opinion that he thought we were busier than ever and had enough on our plate. Said probably would be happy to stick with 3 but would go with what I decided. Hes generally that kind of person.
So have been half heartedly trying with the intention of really making a huge effort. However had a big row last wk and he said he absolutely didnt want more dcs and only agreed because I like my own way.
Feel sick to my stomach.
Someone will be a loser in this..Please dont go hard on me and said I need to just forget it.
Im the type of woman that realky dwells on stufff and I wont get over this.

You said in one of your earlies posts it was a deal breaker for you, so that's why people think you mean it's a deal breaker!

YABU

I have 3, wanted 4, Dh wanted 2 agreed to 3. We compromised. It was hard for me at first, but absolutely the correct, mature and right thing to do.

It would be very unfair to bring a fourth child into your family unless your Dh is totally happy with the decision.

I'm sorry OP but you sound thoroughly unpleasant, with your immigrant comments and you determination to steamroller your DH into giving into your demands for a 4th child.

Have you actually listened to yourself? Let alone your DH?

He has said he doesn't want more children so why isn't that enough for you? If an easy going, home loving man (your description) has got to the point of rowing with you about another child, it means he really doesn't want more.

How on earth can you consider bringing a child into the world when its own father doesn't want it?

Hester
Posting late at night using furious language? I came home quite late to see a tirade of crap directed at me.
Im waiting for someone to address all the made up stuff im.meant to have said-
Bullied dh into more dc, tricked him, putting existing dcs through misery if I have more.etc etc
Like I said. Some very eloquent posters who write well and everyone listens when in fact, they are making stuff up.

England is densely populated in places. But the problem isn't that there is too much people, the problem is there is not enough houses being built. But lets solve that problem by telling people living in England to have less children whilst happily accepting migrants from countries that have a far far higher repopulation rate (And before anyone starts, thats not a dig at immigrants or anything, im generally pro immigration)..

I think the problem is you just don't come across as being particularly pleasant, which makes it hard for people to sympathise with you.

Perhaps it is just your writing style and you're really lovely in real life. Or perhaps not.

booming read my lips:
Dp agreed to a child. We had a row about something else and he said he didn't want more after all.
Im unpleasant? Really. Why is that? Please dont say its because im a racist. Not all all. Certainly not a s unpleasant as some if the nasty stuff towards me.
Obviously having children may not be all that important to some of you. Just because it is to me cant you appreciate that? my dh has backed out. There are no right or wrongs (other than misleading me) but for some reason im the bad guy

Here's the problem. You've put an awful lot of stock on child number 4 to make you feel fulfilled. That's a lot of pressure on a child, and they will feel it. Happiness needs to come from within, not from a baby. A baby is not emotional support, and if you can't get over not being able to have one then yes a baby is emotional support for you like a puppy would be. You should have a baby because you are already happy (in which case three is fine if dh isn't consenting), but a forth would enhance it. Not because, you're unhappy and a 4th would bring you happiness

What happens when they don't turn out to be the child you wanted and have a disability that disrupts the whole family?

What happens if this one happens to be the difficult one?

What happens if your older ones start rebelling while you have 4th child how will you attend to teen shenanigans and youngest?

You're not ready to have a baby. The only reason you want one that I can see on this thread, is because you want one with no regards for anyone else's feelings on the matter. You need therapy to get over that, because as it is, you're in no place emotionally for another.

I just gave you a fact harrassed.

I didn't draw any conclusions about domestic birth rates or immigration.

Your general tone when you post is unpleasant, a touch aggressive.

Having children is important to me, I've recently had my first. I'd rather cut off an arm than have another 3, but my husband and I have agreed will try for another child in a couple of years. If he changes his mind, then yes I'll be a bit sad about what won't be but I know I am lucky to have my gorgeous child and I'd get over it. You need to get over it.

Im sorry how I come across. Maybe uts the way I write. As ive said previously, some posters write very well. And although they are being very patronising and rude it seems to come accross as an intelligent argument.

A baby is not emotional support, and if you can't get over not being able to have one then yes a baby is emotional support for you like a puppy would be. - seems a bit harsh. Would you say that to someone who cannot have children?

Well, I was originally one of the small number of people who was sympathetic to you, but then there was this:

Please direct that at the numerous migrants to this country who do churn out loads and dont pay for them. (plus a load of subsequent self-justificatory bollocks)

and tbh I think now that the fewer children who have you as a parent the better. If you're going to contribute to overpopulating the world you should at least do all you can to ensure your children will be making it a better place, not a thoughtlessly, reflexively hate-filled one.

Leaving this thread now.

Please try to be satisfied with what you have. It sounds like tu have a lovely family already.

Senpai
You whole post could not be a bigger misinterpretation of me if you tried.
No pressure to have a baby to be fulfilled any more than my others. All wanted and all fullfilled us. No pressure for any child to be anything. Im sure any child would fit in fine with its siblings just as the others do.
As for the disability argument what a bizarre thing to throw in. Any child could have a problem. By your. Logic we would all stop at one just in case.
This hypothetical child isnt any more of a yearning than the others were. The only difference now is that we habe been trying for a baby only now.to stop.
Id have felt the same if this was second or third.
Please dont pretend you know me.
How do u know I have no regards for anyones feelings? Whose? My dcs for having to endure a sibling. Im guessing there are many families of four living a contented life. Or maybe my dhs feelings. Regardless, you dont know me ir my family so please dont make some psychological armchair diagnosis.

at hate filled life. No moe than any other poster on here. Some of you sound delightful.

I haven't said anywhere that a baby is an emotional. Suppot though many are accusing me of it. A baby was meant to be another much wanted addition.

Greta, dont let cunty people pull you down :D Theres no point in even engaging with them, there is no rule saying you have to respond to every mn post. If anything, ignoring them really riles them.

Dear me OP, me calling your DH a "poor bastard" has really annoyed you in a way I never expected. You keep going back to it. I'm sorry I used those words, perhaps it came across nastier than intended. I take it back, I'm very sorry. Can we move on now please?

Did you read the rest of my post? I really don't think it was a tirade of crap against you at all. I said I feel sorry for your DH and I do. It must be tough if you want the "quiet life", as you say your DH does, and your DW wants the opposite. Yes, this situation must be hard for you too, however as you said in your OP that you "like your own way", I feel more sorry for your DH as it sounded to me as if he is the one who (based on your OP) is likely to be the one making the compromise.

I did ASK you, (I didn't state), as it wasn't clear from your OP if your DH planned DC3 with you to please you. If that's not true just say so. You can do this calmly without going off on one and taking unbridge.

Regarding my comment that you may have had a drink or two last night, I'm sorry to read that the posts you made last night were actually a fair reflection of how you feel and not due to alcohol. You now say they are taken out of context, but I read all your posts and I thought the immigrant comment was way out of line regardless of what you do for a living.

Which your husband doesn't want. He might not want to stretch the finances any further and the way things are going you might not be able to claim any money for new additions. There is a disability element because I know from experience my one child out of 3 who is disabled made life a LOT harder than it was or would have been. For a large family BOTH parents have to be totally on board to work as a team if the unexpected happens or it could lead to resentment.

You really need to talk calmly to your husband and really listen to him.

Funny Walter.

I honestly think id rather be a bigot than a self righteouS do gooder who makes up.lies to make their posts sound more interesting. And who is on some moral crusade to.stop over population. it never fails to.amaze me how people get quie soo wound up about strangers business.

Hi

This was me 3 years ago around this time.

DH wanted 2 we already had 3 and I desperate wanted 4.

At the end we got to a really nasty place. I felt that he didn't care about my feelings.

I don't get why the one who doesn't want kids gets the final vote - surely the main carer should get a bigger say.

Anyway he eventually agreed to try and after 2 mc I eventually had dc4. DH wasn't ott but never has been with other 3. Dc4 is now 18 months and is the first one (and last) who loves DH and DH adores him.

I would have resented DH and it was for the best. We have 2dd and 2ds and now I can say I'm done - and I def am!!

Good luck
Love
Kx

Im waiting for someone to address all the made up stuff im.meant to have said-

People including me have given the quotes that you said. No one jumped to conclusions they went from your posts.

Which includes the fact they you won't move past this

Harassed, yes I know:-)
If theees one thing I should have leqrned from mumsnet its choose your words and responses carefully. There's always.some smart arse waiting to trip you up.
Yes just to clarify ofallthenerve, we planned ALL of our dc. Together.
Think I should have started a thread a bit more clearly.
we have 3adorable dcs, all very much wanted and have been actively trying for number 4. My dh has now changed his mind and im upset. Help us work through this.

Ruthsmum