Aibu to resent my dh for changing his mind about another baby

[Gretasmyname]

Hi there,
Im posting here as noone really to discuss with in rl.
Have three dcs. Always wanted four. Dh knew this and although he would have been happy with less (more like 2) he wasnt really fussed.
Anyhow, had 3 and number 4 was on the backburner a while for various reasons but never forgotten about.
Earlier this year brought up the subject again. Dh voiced his opinion that he thought we were busier than ever and had enough on our plate. Said probably would be happy to stick with 3 but would go with what I decided. Hes generally that kind of person.
So have been half heartedly trying with the intention of really making a huge effort. However had a big row last wk and he said he absolutely didnt want more dcs and only agreed because I like my own way.
Feel sick to my stomach.
Someone will be a loser in this..Please dont go hard on me and said I need to just forget it.
Im the type of woman that realky dwells on stufff and I wont get over this.

Dear me. Op I agree with the general consensus. Please don't have any more dc.

Responding to your new "OP" I would probably say:

"Sorry to hear this OP. It's very difficult indeed when one partner wants more DCs than the other. I think, for now, as difficult as it is, you need to respect his wishes and be the loving, supportive partner you would want him to be to you. There is a strong chance he will change his mind again in the future, but I think any pressure will most likely cause more harm than good. That's what I would try to do in your situation anyway".

*I say 'try to' as I know it must be extremely tough, but I think, in my case anyway, pressure or anger would probably make my DH less likely to want any more DCs!

And I found 4 no harder than 3 - in fact prob easier as dc1 is a big help (and was my birth partner) as no family nearby.

Maybe chat when both in a happy place. Maybe it was a classic case of him trying to find something to say to hurt you and actually it's not really a bid deal.

Good luck

'Please dont have any more dcs' . I know can you imagine a lovely kind woman giving birth to another child. I sound like the child catcher. Theres plenty of peoplebin this world id say that to but not me, sorry.
Yes of all the nerve, good response but why does one person have to make a sacrifice.

I would have said

Yanbu to be disappointed and upset.

The number of children you have should never be a set number. Things change, circumstances change.

I don't want to be harsh, because you are obviously upset.

He said it in anger. So did he do it because he was angry or has he been trying to tell you this for a while and you keep trying to leave the door open on it, then he got mad and told you how he really feels. If you are with someone that is set on a decision and really dwells and takes things to heart, it makes it very hard to be honest sometimes.

Yabu to say that people never regret a baby they did have. That's so wrong.

That's what I would say. Assuming you added he said it in anger and said about people not regretting kids.

All this is taken from my first post.

but why does one person have to make a sacrifice.

Because you can't have half a baby.

Ruthsmum
Knowing him I think it was said for that reason. Not that hes normally spiteful, but it was something said in retaliation.
Ofall the-id never put pressure on him at all. I talk of having my own way but Its meant in a light hearted way. And generally as hes quite half soaked. Believe me he's not some doormat though.

why does one person have to make a sacrifice.

Because that's what happens in a relationship isn't it? It is impossible to agree on absolutely everything all the time so sometimes you're not going up get your own way.

I know can you imagine a lovely kind woman giving birth to another child.

Do you really think you've come across as a lovely, kind woman on this thread with your aggression and glib racism? Really??

Well one of you does really I think? Would your DH not be making a sort of sacrifice by agreeing to have a DC he isn't 100% sure he wants at the minute? I think this decision of his sounds like it could be temporary tbh if you were actively trying and he changed his mind all of a sudden. My DH and I change our minds all the time about having more DCs - for us a big issue is actually environmental impact which I know you don't agree with, but that is one issue we do actually consider. Sometimes the pros outweigh the cons (would my hypothetical next DC be the one to save the planet for example) and that is your (and my) personal choice.

If you really feel you can't wait any more I would ask your DH again to sit down and seriously discuss it with you. Find out exactly what his reasons are for suddenly changing his mind. Maybe it was a flyaway comment he didn't mean or maybe he thinks you should wait a little while longer or maybe he really means it. Only you and he know will know that.

Not that "it's my personal choice" whether my next DC saves the planet or not hahaha! "I'll have a planet saver please" ha! Hopefully you get what I mean.

Firstly I did not call you a racist.

Secondly regardless of the reason for a row, read his lips. He doesn't want more children. People don't always say things in the middle of a row in retaliation, they say the truth. Sometimes it's the only way they can get their feelings across.

And you do sound deeply unpleasant and entitled. To say that one person needs to make a sacrifice is taking a purely selfish view when you feel you may be the one making the sacrifice. Relationships are not about sacrifice but compromise, and you seem outraged that it may be you having to do this.

He sounds thoroughly downtrodden if he gives way to you on the number of children, which already exceeds his wishes by 1.

I would ask again, is it right to bring a child into a family where the father doesn't want it?

I will restrict myself to answering your original question.

No YANBU for feeling resentful, if your DH has changed his mind. That's human nature to feel disappointed, when we're told we can't have something we want that we've been desperately looking forward to.

However if he said it in the heat of the moment it's possible he didn't mean it, and would be open to a discussion when you're both calm, relaxed etc.
You said previously that you "won't get over this." It seems worrying that you feel like that.

My advice to you is to apologise to your DH for your part in the row, ask for a chat. Choose an optimal time. Explain how hurt you are and that you will really be upset and angry if he really has changed his mind.
Don't react angrily if you don't get the answers you want. Listen to what he has to say.

Ultimately, you need to both be on board to bring another child into the world. I think you know that.

Hope the conversation goes ok.

Your DH is (as has been said already) within his rights to change his mind.

If we're agreed on this simple fact then, it comes down to who gets to 'win'.

IMO the person NOT wanting another child does. For lots of obvious reasons. The biggest one of all is that pushing ahead regardless might damage the marriage irreparably.

I am curious Greta as to what you meant when you said ''It will be a deal breaker in the sense that I cant be okay with him.''. This statement has understandably given the impression that you wont compromise on this and would consider ending the marriage over it, or at least risking the end.

Wow. Just wow. Upon reading all of your posts, OP, my troll senses went off but I'll answer anyway.

YANBU to be upset about not having a 4th child but YABU to expect your DH to conform to what you want. I think the reason he hasn't brought the subject up is because he's afraid of your reaction, it must be like walking on egg shells.

If your DH did what you asked because you wanted it and you had your 4th DC, what would you do if your DH came to resent you? If he resented the new DC? If he resented his life? Would you feel any guilt knowing your DH had another child that he didn't want to make you happy? Or would the fact that you've gotten what you wanted sweeten that over.

The migrants comment is misinformed bullshit by the way. It does make you sound racist and/or resentful.

Also if you can't get over not having another child would you really break up your family? Uprooting your current DC to fulfill that would cause complete chaos, especially if there are no other problems in your marriage.

"I don't get why the one who doesn't want kids gets the final vote - surely the main carer should get a bigger say."

I don't agree at all ruthsmumkath. Any responsible person who doesn't want children does get a say.

I'm in the other side of this, I don't want any more - he does.

What makes it so final is that we had to have IVF (due to me) we have two frozen left. I have a older dd to ex and dd2 to Dh. I need to go back to work, my brain is dying. Even though I'm very lucky to be able to stay at home with dd, I like being 'me' and not just dds mummy and general dogsbody.

So I've said no more, he is taking it on the chin. We adore each other but we both know we can't force each other to do either.

Try and be greatful for what you have. What you want and what you get are two different things - doesn't mean your life is shit if you don't get your own way.

Can you imagine if I posted ' Dh is forcing me to have a baby' .....

@Greta, look, I was another of those that called your DH a "poor bastard"...I do think it was unacceptable to say about your drinking etc. (which I didn't say), but I will say that I'm sort of sticking to my guns - maybe not on the word, but still -

we have 3adorable dcs, all very much wanted and have been actively trying for number 4. My dh has now changed his mind and im upset. Help us work through this.

This is what I'm referring to in PRINCIPLE. Because what I'm not sure about, OP, is whether your DH changed his mind in a fit of frustration/tiredness/anger, in which case, it should be easy enough to let it simmer down. But you've also strongly implied that he compromised with you on having 3...and other posters are merely trying to clue you in on the difficulties of having 4, because, if you feel he has changed his mind on a more permanent basis, I'm not sure it's right to push him to have one more. Not that they weren't PLANNED (nor tricked etc. etc.), just that it's bloody hard having 4. Which is what we were just saying.

at people who really think the primary caregiver should decide, though. I mean, really? I think that's fine if you honestly want to be a single parent, and I don't mean in a blackmail-y/judgey way, but, if you ask me, you want to stay together, you make that decision together, presuming the other parent does some of the parenting. Although in an ideal world, they should respect that you do the majority.

No ive ever implied that that we compromised on 3. Neither did he agree to 3 when he wanted 2.
Ive repeated myself a lot now but what confusing people is that I said he most probably would have been happy id we had stuck at 1 or 2. Just as equally he would have stayed with 3. He didnt mindhow many we had. I dont think ive explained myself well.
He was kind of of the attitude:
'4 is fine if thats what you would like'. 0r 5 I guess, but he knows 4 would have been my limit.
So there was never an extra number 3 thqt we agreed on

Sorry its getting frustrating over explaining or reexplaining. Things I haven't quite said.

Mmm, another one offended by the gratuitous racist comment, but that's by the by.

Your initial response to the answers you got was so over the top. I didn't read all the answers but most of them were thoughtful opinions, which you had asked for. I think you would do well to think about what happens when you ask for opinions but don't the opinion you want.

OP, there was a thread in Relationships a couple of months ago where a man asked how to save his relationship because he'd let his DW think that he would want another child and actually that wasn't true. Many posters told him that they might not be able forgive the deception. Many others said they would find it hard to come to terms with not having another child.

So, actually, though you've got loads of YABU here, I actually disagree. YANBU because it is perfectly normal to resent someone who is preventing you from having something you really want, especially if that person initially said they'd help you to get it.

Of course he's entitled to change his mind, and of course no reasonable person would have a baby regardless of his wishes. But I didn't think from your OP that you were one of those people.

I do think it was unacceptable to say about your drinking etc

I actually was trying to be kind to the OP by assuming her posts were down to her possibly having had "a drink or two", (I did say a drink or two, not that she was out chugging down giant bottles of Diamond White or whatever), rather than thinking she actually meant them. That backfired obviously.

why does one person have to make a sacrifice.

You're both already making sacrifices. Taking care of 3 children is hard work, your DH has already had to make sacrifices with money and time for three kids. There's no one person making sacrifices here, you'll both be making more if you have a 4th.