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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to resent my dh for changing his mind about another baby

267 replies

Gretasmyname · 02/12/2015 18:48

Hi there,
Im posting here as noone really to discuss with in rl.
Have three dcs. Always wanted four. Dh knew this and although he would have been happy with less (more like 2) he wasnt really fussed.
Anyhow, had 3 and number 4 was on the backburner a while for various reasons but never forgotten about.
Earlier this year brought up the subject again. Dh voiced his opinion that he thought we were busier than ever and had enough on our plate. Said probably would be happy to stick with 3 but would go with what I decided. Hes generally that kind of person.
So have been half heartedly trying with the intention of really making a huge effort. However had a big row last wk and he said he absolutely didnt want more dcs and only agreed because I like my own way.
Feel sick to my stomach.
Someone will be a loser in this..Please dont go hard on me and said I need to just forget it.
Im the type of woman that realky dwells on stufff and I wont get over this.

OP posts:
Stimpack · 03/12/2015 06:43

OP you're coming across as a bit of a twat, I feel very sorry for your DH.

YohY · 03/12/2015 06:48

There were 4 of us growing up
and I think it's hard.

Parents never had any money or time for themselves and struggled. I think I missed out reading a thread the other day about what after school activities people provide for their children... Very expensive! Still I'm grateful to my parents.

Money is not everything and I'm sure you have but think carefully because children don't remain small forever!

MythicalKings · 03/12/2015 06:48

You are sounding like a spoilt child, OP.

HarveySpectersBalls · 03/12/2015 06:57

OP you sound like really hard work especially after your midnight rant.
Am totally 100% with your husband.

And by the way, some of those "migrants" children may be indirectly supporting you in your old age You really don't get it. It's not all about you.

Bunbaker · 03/12/2015 07:10

Stop behaving like a spoiled brat and grow up. Do you always behave like this when you don't get your own way?

OP: AIBU
MN posters: yes

OP throws toys out of the pram

People haven't said you should be grateful, but I am now. I struggled to have one child, so count your blessing and stop being so greedy.

onecurrantbun1 · 03/12/2015 07:11

We both want four, at a primal and instinctive level. We can't imagine this being my last pregnant (expecting DD3). We won't be having four. Maybe some of our reasons will help you work through your feelings?

-- How would one of us manage if the other died, was made disabled, or we separated?
-- Who would look after them if something happened to us both? (My wonderful parents are only 50-ish but four is a lot even for them! Neck, three is but they had three of their own ;-) )
-- Could we afford a home with enough space to potentially have them with us until they're 25+?
-- Could we support them through HE, could they all go on school holidays etc?
-- I would like to return to work at some point - even after school childcare could be prohibitively expensive for four
--Adults always outnumbered 2:1 even at weekends
-- Would any of us actually enjoy life? It is important to me to have a social life outside of the family!
-- I can't really out this into words but how many times can we "roll the dice"? I've had three healthy and easy pregnancies, no issues at scans etc, straightforward natural labours... And each time the stakes get higher

As I say these reasons are deeply personal but perhaps some of them will strike a chord with you.

I do feel for you OP and I hopeyou can come to terms with this Flowers

hedgehogsdontbite · 03/12/2015 07:12

Blimey, racist angry aggressive woman prepared to destroy the lives of her existing kids if she doesn't get her own way wonders why husband doesn't want another child with her.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 03/12/2015 07:22

Relationships where one always gets their way usually fail in the end. Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship.

Blackmailing him by stoping contraception the exact time he says he doesn't want a baby is very immature.

ofallthenerve · 03/12/2015 07:24

Sorry, I don't want to upset you even more OP but are you always this wound up? You do seem angry from your last posts as opposed to just disappointed. What exactly does your DH mean when he says you like to have your own way? How do you react if you don't? Something to think about I'd say (ifI were in your shoes).

Your comment about immigrants was disgusting too. I wonder if you'd had a drink or two and this made you more prone to anger and nasty comments. That's not good. Some people don't respond well to alcohol ime. Not saying you're one of them, but again just something I might think about if I was in your shoes.

Kettlesingsatnight · 03/12/2015 07:33

you could adopt

Don't you think adopting is having a child?

HeteronormativeHaybales · 03/12/2015 07:39

Any residual sympathy I had for the OP evaporated at her anti-migrant comment.
Not pleased that I wasted time engaging with a racist.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2015 07:42

I understand your disappointed, it's something I feel you need to make peace with, as your dh is entitled to change his mind whenever he wants, if he does not want a 4th, I am afraid you don't have another one.

Mabey go for counselling, if this is affecting your relationship, to help you through these issues.

Funinthesun15 · 03/12/2015 07:50

Please direct that at the numerous migrants to this country who do churn out loads and dont pay for them.

Ridiculous racist think to say.

You sound like a spoilt child that is stamping their feet until they get their own way.

If your posts here are anything to go by then I also feel for your DH.

Maybe also read people's posts properly yourself.

Difficultchoice · 03/12/2015 07:56

There's nothing in the OP that says she'll leave him, it's a deal breaker or that she badgered her husband into having 3 so I can see why she's cross. The actual number of children she already has is irrelevant as the problem would be the same if she wanted 6 and he wanted 5, or 1 vs2. UnfortunTely people then seem to think that just because they can't/ couldn't cope with or afford 4 no one else will. That is not the discussion here. however we have 4, it's great, we don't just cope we have a lovely life.

Op, I suggest you calm down and wait for the dust to settle on your argument. Then have a scheduled time to discuss in a calm way together. Make it clear you will listen and take on board his views. He may well have been retaliating in anger. Try not to get too upset- I know the feeling you describe.

Also, the comments about migrants were not cool....and v judgemental/ bigoted. I know you were hitting out as hurt but really uncalled for.

KakiFruit · 03/12/2015 07:59

The OP's husband clearly already has four children to deal with, so I'm not surprised he doesn't want another.

SarahSavesTheDay · 03/12/2015 08:04

We all have the size of you now, OP. Racist, ignorant twat.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2015 08:12

OP, your dh sounds quite sensible tbh, and has a lot of common sense. It sounds like life is already hectic, adding another to the mix, may just be the tipping point that he just could not cope with. It sounds like there is resentment from him, he might have felt pressured by you to have a 3rd, that came out in the argument. Please read onecurrentbun, there are a lot of things to consider, which I don't think you have thought through properly.

ShebaShimmyShake · 03/12/2015 08:36

Im the type of woman that realky dwells on stufff and I wont get over this.

If you're determined to be this person, there's nothing we can say to help you.

WanderingTrolley1 · 03/12/2015 08:43

Yabu.

pictish · 03/12/2015 08:50

Sheba I thought the same yesterday when I read the OP.

Im the type of woman that realky dwells on stufff and I wont get over this.

Oh well. There's not a lot anyone can say to that. No doubt you'll get your own way by fair means or foul.

Enjolrass · 03/12/2015 08:52

difficultchoice

The op says It will be a deal breaker in the sense that I cant be okay with him. Its such an important thing to me.

in her second post.

If you are going to correct people please read the thread

Enjolrass · 03/12/2015 08:53

And she also says she can't move past it.

So it's either leave or badger him until he gives in

KERALA1 · 03/12/2015 09:11

If I were queen everyone would stop at 2. Too many people in the world as it is - i don't think there is any justification to have more than 2. Majority of families round here have 2, the remainder have 3 or 1. 4 plus is unusual and remarked on.

My lovely friend is eldest of 4, quite wealthy loving family, but even she says too many. Here poor mum trying to be a supportive granny to 4 separate families now all living in different parts of England. All those kids have 2 apiece...

We have 2 now 7 and 9 - because fewer of us we can do more exciting things than we could otherwise do. All so excited as flights booked to california. No way could we give our dds those experiences with 3 plus.

onecurrantbun1 · 03/12/2015 09:30

Difficultchoice oh I absolutely agree that four children is the perfect amount for some people. Clearly OP's husband doesn't feel that way and has his reasons - even "I just font want to" is a valid reason though IMO.

I have re-read the OP's comment about immigrants -- leaving aside the fact it's rascist and ignoranr, there is certainly a lot of anger here, and resentment. As Difficultchoice says you need to discuss it,not dictate or argue or even try to persuade. It doesn't seem like you're in the right place to do that at the moment.

contrary13 · 03/12/2015 09:34

My father's the oldest of 8. He remembers growing up as part of a huge family as - and I quote - "hell". His youngest sibling is five years younger than I am - and my DF was 26 when I was born! He and each of his siblings individually made the choice, with their husbands or wives, to have small families because of their joint experience of growing up as part of a large family.

My Godmother is also the oldest of a large family - she has 5 siblings. When she was 14, her youngest brother was born, and she was expected to take him out and about in his pram. She says that it was horrifying how many people assumed that her brother was actually her child, and villified her for it (small, rural town). People who had known her for her entire life, who had known both of her parents since they were babies themselves, gossiped about how my Godmother's parents had "had" to take in their 14 year old daughter's child "as though he were their own". He was their own child. People didn't want to grasp the truth though.

OP, if you have children old enough to be "independent", then understand that - especially now, when children of 11 are having children of their own - if you have another baby, they may well have the same suspicious stares and gossipy whispering as my Godmother did. And if you have a 4th, then what's to say that you won't want a 5th, and then a 6th, and so on... I do understand the yearning to have a big family. I'm the youngest of 3, and have two children (should be 3, but my DS's twin died in utero). I've thought long and hard about having another child ever since my DS was a baby... but I also know that it wouldn't be fair on the children I do have, those who are already here, for me to do so. It would be selfish of me. And it would disrupt their lives, and it may well hurt them. I also know how my DF and his siblings all felt at being part of a large family. And how my mother (the oldest of 4) felt.

You are already blessed with 3 children. Think of how they'll feel if you insist on having another child. Are they not enough for you? Y'know, one of my DF's brothers (number 3), actually felt as though he and his siblings weren't good enough for my grandparents. That that was why younger siblings kept on being produced. It left them all with huge issues that took years to either be dealt with, or come to light. Don't wish that on the children you already have, OP.