Aibu to resent my dh for changing his mind about another baby

[Gretasmyname]

Hi there,
Im posting here as noone really to discuss with in rl.
Have three dcs. Always wanted four. Dh knew this and although he would have been happy with less (more like 2) he wasnt really fussed.
Anyhow, had 3 and number 4 was on the backburner a while for various reasons but never forgotten about.
Earlier this year brought up the subject again. Dh voiced his opinion that he thought we were busier than ever and had enough on our plate. Said probably would be happy to stick with 3 but would go with what I decided. Hes generally that kind of person.
So have been half heartedly trying with the intention of really making a huge effort. However had a big row last wk and he said he absolutely didnt want more dcs and only agreed because I like my own way.
Feel sick to my stomach.
Someone will be a loser in this..Please dont go hard on me and said I need to just forget it.
Im the type of woman that realky dwells on stufff and I wont get over this.

I do personally agree there is an environmental impact to consider when having a child. Perhaps it's an unpopular opinion but that doesn't make it any less valid.

You need to be in agreement

Talk to your dh. If after discussing it he still does not want any more dcs then you will have to accept that. It's hard though I know

I have four dcs, we had discussions after dc2 as dh wanted to stop but i wanted more. We talked and talked and on the end he came round to the idea and we couldn't be happier
You need to both be 100% though

You're right OP that there is no compromise. I think all you need to be thinking about is whether you are going to leave and find someone else to have a 4th with because that's really your only option.

My brother (who is feckless) got his now wife pregnant early in their relationship. They planned the second but she "talked him"
Into the third- leaving aside that you can't really do that and he's a wimp- it's so bloody obvious he gets no pleasure or happiness out of family life. He's totally unengaged. I bet you any money my SIL would argue against this, but he is. Don't give your 4th baby a father like that :(

I have always wanted a big family and dont believe that you ever regret a child but most certainly can regret NOT having another

That is a monumentally naïve and self-justifying thing to say. There are all sorts of reasons people regret children, even ones they wanted.

I think all you need to be thinking about is whether you are going to leave and find someone else to have a 4th with because that's really your only option.

Yes. Far better the OP leave her husband/try her luck on the singles market and start a second family rather than accept life with three children. I'm sure this is in the best interest of her existing children.

If OP can't accept it that's all she can do. You can't make someone be ok with something if they're not.
Life isn't black and white and is ridiculous to pretend it is just because being happy with your lot is what you'd do people are different.

I think you need to think about how your life will be; being a single mum to 4 dc because if you "trick" your dh by "accidentally" getting pregnant (to get your own way) when he has told you how against it he is, he may leave you. It would be a huge (and disgusting) abuse and betrayal of trust. Think carefully about this, how much are you willing to risk to get your own way and what are the consequences of your actions likely to be?

Well as OP describes the situation as a dealbreaker and doesn't seem to even try to be seeing where her DH is coming from, then yes. Leaving him and trying to find someone to 'give' her that fourth child is the only option available to her that will result in her being content.

I would have a lot more sympathy with the situation if OP had one and wanted to give the child a sibling, or had no children at all. But you have three already. Your DH is making an informed decision; he has three, thinks it's bloody hard work and expensive, and using that knowledge has revised his decision. That's what adults do.

What material difference do you think no. 4 will make to your life? You say you like being busy but I wonder if the littlest getting older, needing you less and moving on to school etc. is making you wonder what you're going to do with yourself. It wouldn't be right to risk your relationship, your existing kids' stable home life and the quality of the life of the family as a whole because you have a niggling feeling that four "feels right" and won't consider your co-parent's reasonable views.

Yes. Far better the OP leave her husband/try her luck on the singles market and start a second family rather than accept life with three children. I'm sure this is in the best interest of her existing children.

Yup. Exactly. I find the amount of people who are really unquestioningly siding with the OP a little worrying...I mean. You have 3. You've never really provided a good reason, except having a big family of your own, why you desperately want and crave a 4th, except for a false comparison to your own family. It's easy to think "oh it's only one child," but I think you are being a bit naive. Your 4th child could be twins, could have special needs, or could just be bloody hard work. I personally think it would almost be easier to raise a child like that on your own than with a totally disengaged father. Not giving you any ideas. I just think the blasé whiff of "well, I do what I want" sounds naive and unfair.

Because...you've never known anybody who regrets having children? Perhaps because that is completely taboo to say in society. EVERYBODY would judge a parent who was "heart-on-sleeve" about wishing they'd never had their child. I would imagine the bloodbath would be something tantamount to a person who had cold-bloodedly killed their children.

They do exist, and are more common than you might have thought but, taking aside the really evil/monstrous ones, the vast majority of them just get along and make the best of it because they appreciate it's not their child's fault. And, frankly, OP, if you love being a mum and you're absolutely obsessed with having more children, you're probably not the kind of person who they'd admit it to. That's not a criticism, it's a lovely thing to love children.

Your disappointment is not unreasonable. Your response to your disappointment is, in my opinion, totally unreasonable, and I'm beginning to see a bit (as cruel as you might have found it) why your DH put it off, because it doesn't really sound to me like he ever wanted 4, or not once you'd had 3 (!), which is not unreasonable of him either. He might've liked the idea of a big family and once he got there been like, "oomph, okay." As unfair as it might seem, even if you do most of the work (and I'm not trying to piss on you, OP, but try to take a reasonable account of what he DOES do, minimal though it might be, because, particularly with many children, every little helps), and ask yourself if you would find having many children as pleasurable without him.

DH and I totally regret having a third child; we are on our knees. Love her, wouldn't wish her away as such but we can see that we would have a better quality of life in so many ways with only two dc. So saying people never regret having a child is absolute shit. Be happy with the three you've got. Your existing children can only benefit from having your focus remain on them rather than spread thinner. There really is no other way to say it.

Yabu. Your desire for DC4 doesn't trump your H's desire not to have any more. Your DC would probably prefer not to have more siblings too.

Nor can you hold it against him for changing his stated views.

Think dh wants a quiet life which hes never going to get anyway!

I feel sorry for him tbh OP. Poor bastard. It sounds like he only agreed to have DC4 (and possibly DC3?) to please you. I also agree with the pp who mentioned environmental impact as a possible reason not to have as many DCs as you would really want. Not to mention the responsibility you beat your existing DCs. I don't think it would be fair if you choose to go down the road of either pushing your DH to have another DC OR resenting him so much you don't enjoy what you already have.

*Responsibility you bear not beat! Fucking autocorrect! Not suggesting you beat anyone OP!

That made me chuckle ofallthenerve.

mistress, bloody autocorrect I hate it sometimes! It tried to do it again when I wrote my last post but I was too quick for it ha! Take that autocorrect. So sorry OP. What a terrible thing to accidentally say!

I also feel bad for your husband.

You have THREE children. That is not a small family by any means.

You wanted 4, and he wanted 2. 3 is the perfect compromise.

Except that apparently it's your way or the high way.

If you honestly feel that strongly about it then leave him. Because it seems like what he is to you, is a sperm donor. Not a partner with his own valid feelings that are just as important as your own.

I think it should be a pretty inviolable principle in these situations that the one who doesn't want the (additional) child is the one whose view prevails.

We have 3, and I was very much the driver behind no. 3 - dh wanted 'more than one' (his words), but would have been fine stopping at 2. He was equally fine having no. 3, but if he hadn't been, no way would I have pushed it. (Ironically, perhaps, I now feel complete/at my personal limit and would probably terminate were I to get pregnant again, whereas dh would say 'ah well' and welcome the child. He doesn't actively want no. 4, but if h did I would still be saying NFW).

We have four children - all planned - and in retrospect I very often wish we had stopped at two. Foreign holidays are financially out of reach, we are constantly searching for offers and bargains for days out and birthdays and I dread the financial implications of them all being teenagers. Both myself and DH agreed on having four but we are shattered by the sheer relentlessness of it all, we often say it is not really child-rearing but merely crowd control.

If one of your kids is already grown up your DH is probably looking forward to life easing off for both of you - I don´t blame him one bit for not wanting another nothing on gods green earth would make me have another

I think if you forced him to have another you could end up regretting far far more than if you compromised and enjoyed the three you already have. He has already compromised by going for three rather than stopping at four. YABU.

We have 4. Totally adore DS3, am very grateful we have him and would never wish him away but really, really it is bloody hard work juggling all of them, especially as DD is very much older and still needs a lot of direction - I would hate her to feel that she can't bother us with things because we are busy with the younger ones, and we have a DS who has LD's which were not diagnosed until after we had DS3.

I definitely feel that having 4 tipped me over the edge in terms of what I can handle. Some people say that one more won't make much difference, but it bloody well does!

If I had my time again, we would have stopped at 3 (actually I only wanted 2 but DD2 died and we then unexpectedly had twins!). Me having a 4th (5th) was out of a misguided wish that I could give DD the sister she desperately wanted but we lost.

You really need to examine the reasons why you are so desperate for a 4th child and why you would potentially break up the family you already have (and should be putting first) if you can't have another child.

Just to add, last meal we all went out together for in average restaurant chain = £100 and I didn't even enjoy it due to the bickering!

I only have one because DH didn't want another. Person who doesn't want a child 'wins' in this case. I'm sad about it but it's an absolute in my mind. If you are a couple and planning your family, both parents have to be happy with the idea of another.

I unlike other posters here didn't find 4 harder than 3 and as they have grown older I am pleased we have 4 they tend to pair up (and never the same 2 pairs)

However I would have liked a 5th and dh didn't at all.

I have "compromised" and have not gone for a 5th (dd3 is now 12 so unlikely we ever will) However I have not been the one in charge of contraception from when she was 2 and this came up with dh saying no more. I said ok fair enough however contraception is then your responsibility. He has taken that on board as why should I deliberately avoid something I would have liked to happen. He has never gone for a vasectomy though.

I don't think you ever " get over it" it just becomes part of your life that this is how it is. it is often harder for people who has chosen a smaller amount of children to accept others feel that way (and visa versa I do not get why any would want just 1 - not here talking of sickness or other issues just wishing to like my sister) Its just it is more socially acceptable to choose 1 than 5-6

I am now nearing meno pause and frankly if I had a scare now I would likely not be as thrilled as I would have been 5 years ago. It does however still attimes get to me. Doesn't mean I do not love the 4 I have or enjoy them and I am so very grateful that I have been able to have my 4 wonderful children. Just being a mother is the thing in my life I have enjoyed the most and yes I would have liked for that smaller stage to go on for longer.

I am now at the age where friends are announcing grandchildren and one day I will be there myself. Perhaps then I will stop that feeling of " i wish"

Dh was one of 4 himself and loved it this was why he wanted 4, Originally I just wanted 2 (however once we had dd1 I was the one saying 4 is a great idea)

I think for every set of parents who have found 4 hard (or 1 or 2 3-99) you will find another set who havent had that

Your DH has already compromised with the 3rd DC, now it's your turn
You aren't even attempting to see his point of view, just thinking you should get your own way. Feel quite sorry for him really.

Op, how old are your existing children? Pp have made very valid points about how expensive children are. Babies are really cheap, they wear hand me down clothes, use their elder siblings cot/basket/pram and play with toys already in the toy box. i don't remember the last time I was given hand me down clothes for dd (age 9) it just doesn't happen. Our three (9, 7 and 5) eat so much food, I can't imagine how much the food shop will be in 5 years time. And don't get me started on the cost of holidays and days out. The expense of older children is immense. I'm not surprised your DH doesnt want another one if he has considered your financial responsabilities and realised you can't comfortably afford a forth.

Also the time, dd3 hasn't read her school book again tonight. I feel dreadful about it, but by the time I had finished work,done the tea, helped dd1 with homework and listened to ds read, dd was so tired she wanted to go to bed. Bad time management, but I had to prioritise and dd is old enough that if homework is set it must be done. I can't imagine trying to fit a dc4 in. I know people do, but again, if your DH doesnt think he can time manage 4, I think you should respect that.

You like to be busy?
All children eventually grow up...even the baby so I think you need to find alternatives to procreation.
YABU