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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to resent my dh for changing his mind about another baby

267 replies

Gretasmyname · 02/12/2015 18:48

Hi there,
Im posting here as noone really to discuss with in rl.
Have three dcs. Always wanted four. Dh knew this and although he would have been happy with less (more like 2) he wasnt really fussed.
Anyhow, had 3 and number 4 was on the backburner a while for various reasons but never forgotten about.
Earlier this year brought up the subject again. Dh voiced his opinion that he thought we were busier than ever and had enough on our plate. Said probably would be happy to stick with 3 but would go with what I decided. Hes generally that kind of person.
So have been half heartedly trying with the intention of really making a huge effort. However had a big row last wk and he said he absolutely didnt want more dcs and only agreed because I like my own way.
Feel sick to my stomach.
Someone will be a loser in this..Please dont go hard on me and said I need to just forget it.
Im the type of woman that realky dwells on stufff and I wont get over this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gretasmyname · 02/12/2015 22:35

Out at the min so cant reply properly or read all but I woll tomorrow.
But some replies nasty.
'Poor bastard' for dh. Really? Hardly.
And ive said I want a baby not that im going to leave him or summat. Thqt makes me deserve a load of abuse.
And fwiw. Id never 'trap'him as some have suggested I might.

OP posts:
ofallthenerve · 02/12/2015 22:42

It was me who said poor bastard after you wrote this:

"Think dh wants a quiet life which hes never going to get anyway!"

Said with glee. So yes I feel a bit sorry for your DH based on this. Am I misreading something? You said he wants a life he will never get. That makes me feel sorry for him. Sorry if that offends you for some reason.

MrsLupo · 02/12/2015 22:45

I sympathise OP. I have 3 and desperately wanted a fourth. Like you, my DP had only wanted 2 and the third was a (happily received) compromise. We talked about it for years and even tried for a fourth in a desultory fashion for a while, but he really wasn't keen and I had to admit that his reasoning was sound. It didn't stop me wanting that fourth one though, and I still think about it sometimes and still feel sad. But trust me when I say that you will get over it, although of course it doesn't feel like it at the moment. Pp are right - you need to focus on the three you have and be grateful for them.

FlowersAndShit · 02/12/2015 22:55

Be grateful for the three you have - count your blessings. Some people will never experience pregnancy, giving birth and the joys of motherhood. Stop being so bloody selfish and get some perspective.

Bunbaker · 02/12/2015 23:17

I'm with the majority here, and your husband

Why do your needs trump your husband's and your other children? Why is four better than three?

There are so many reasons already given why four isn't better - financially, logistically etc.

Sorry, but I think YABU and selfish.

2rebecca · 02/12/2015 23:23

When they are teenagers they will want a quiet house to study in some parental attention for their angst and money for university. Endlessly churning out babies because they make you feel fulfilled in some vague woolly way isnt fair on the children you have. The world is overpopulated. Go for quality over quantity.

Original poster
Gretasmyname · 03/12/2015 00:25

Just skimmed through a few as late.
The poor bastard comment directed at dh. Well the comment that he will never have a quiet life was not said 'with glee'. What sn odd thing to to say. Snd hiw the fuck do you know that?! I was meant in the sense that will kids its already lively.
All the be grateful for what I have blah blah. I havent got to be grateful or settle because someone on here tells me. Shouldnt I have been grateful after one then with that reasoning? I take it all these posters on here have settled with what they have? What a load of bollocks. I AM grateful in the sense I have 3lovely dcs doesnt mean I cant extend my family.
And as for the comments about saving the planet. And stop churning kidis out! Honestly! Is four kids really that huge a family? Four kids and id be responsible for all kinds of shit? Please direct that at the numerous migrants to this country who do churn out loads and dont pay for them.

We both work and provide for our dcs.
I came on here to get a bit of support and sympathy I suppse. Not a bitch fest.
I reiterate- my dh and I agreed. Of course he can change his mind. Id gotten use to the idea though and I was looking forward to it. Is that so bloody bad?
And dont get me started on teenagers needing own space and paying for uni.
Who said they will go to uni. How do you know im not super rich? Hilarious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gretasmyname · 03/12/2015 00:32

Im also presuming all you opinated posters thst say three dcs is plenty dont have more than 2 or 3?
Oh and poster who said he should have the snip as I will be actively trying. Oh really. So wrong. Surmising stuff I haven't said.
I think posters in mumsnet deliberately say the opposite to what you want to hear. On purpose.

Just to be provocative.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gretasmyname · 03/12/2015 00:41

Final post tonight.
Where has all this compromising come from? Saying he compromised by having three. Stop making shit up.
I said he probably would have been happy with one or two! No mention of compromise and he has never said that.
I was speaking on behalf of him and most men I know. Happy to have a child but equally happy when wife or gf says dont want more .
Now I know someone will say their dh isnt like that but mine isnt. Generally men don't have the same urge. Thry ho with the flow.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 03/12/2015 00:41

Kinda seeing where your husband says you like your own way here.

I'm glad you're taking it onboard though in that you won't be trying to get pregnant regardless. That is a good thing.

Original poster
Gretasmyname · 03/12/2015 00:41

Go with the flow

OP posts:
Headmelt · 03/12/2015 00:47

Some responses may be a little harsh but it doesn't change the fact that your dh does not want any more children. One of you will have to compromise. Naturally, you are disappointed but unless he changes his mind, I can't see how you can both get what you want. Either you have another child and your dh is unhappy or you don't have another child and you will be unhappy. Depending on your age, can you afford to wait and talk it through again?

Original poster
Gretasmyname · 03/12/2015 00:47

Im still scrolling through the millions of compromises :-D
Amazing made up compromises thats hes never actually made!

OP posts:
ComposHatComesBack · 03/12/2015 00:58

If he's been having sex without a condom then he's obviously prepared to risk a 4th so just get on with it.

Round of applause for the stupidest advice on this thread. Deo

Only if the op is prepared to risk the breakdown of the marriage and raising her fourth child as a single-parent. Which is a possible scenario if she follows your advice.

I assume you'd be equally happy if your partner unilaterally decided he wanted a child and put pinpricks in his condoms and then when you got pregnant, turned round and said 'well you should have been on the pill'?

AGBforever · 03/12/2015 01:00

No wonder your DH is scared to raise the convo..

Canyouforgiveher · 03/12/2015 01:02

Why on earth did you post on AIBU if what you wanted was a nuanced response more appropriate to relationships? what were you expecting? Everyone to say you are not being unreasonable??

Of all the lines of your posts the one that resonates with me is your quoting your dh "only agreed because I like my own way"

you certainly do. your attitude that -- I want 4 children and if I don't get them I won't get over it, I'm not that kind of person - is, frankly, just bullying. If you want something and tell your loved ones "give it to me or I will never get over it" then you are bullying them.

you are entitled to feel sad at not having a 4th child, you are entitled to feel angry, you could even be stupid enough to break up your marriage and f up your existing 3 children because you are so angry you didn't get what you wanted. But you are not entitled to a 4th child and you are not entitled to feel your husband did something wrong in not wanting to conceive one.

I wonder what the empty nest years (they happen very quickly) will be like for you - and your husband?

alleypalley · 03/12/2015 01:03

And as for the comments about saving the planet. And stop churning kidis out! Honestly! Is four kids really that huge a family? Four kids and id be responsible for all kinds of shit? Please direct that at the numerous migrants to this country who do churn out loads and dont pay for them. We both work and provide for our dcs.

Well you lost any sympathy from me with that vile statement.

ShadowsCollideIsSurroundedByAd · 03/12/2015 01:14

'Please direct that at the numerous migrants to this country who do churn out loads and dont pay for them. We both work and provide for our dcs'.

Oh. Okay then. Honestly, I was going to be arsed responding to your original post, but this ^^ just makes it clear that you're an arsehole, and not worth engaging with.

Your husband is a lucky, lucky man (sarcastic).

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/12/2015 01:17

Please direct that at the numerous migrants to this country who do churn out loads and dont pay for them. We both work and provide for our dcs.

You sound racist really lovely Hmm

ComposHatComesBack · 03/12/2015 01:25

I posted before the op's multi-post diatribe.

OP

You are coming across like a right piece of work and a raging bigot. I'd suggest trying the Daily Mail message boards, I have a feeling your uninformed immigrant bashing shtick and misguided 'I pay my taxes' cotter might go down better over there.

Fact is, both you and your husband need to be earning substantial amounts to pay for the services and benefits you'll with three children, let alone four. In all likelihood you are taking out far more than you are putting in. I have no problem with this, but then I'm not casting aspersions about other groups.

VenusRising · 03/12/2015 01:51

You do sound very worked up OP and rather ranty and it's not making you many friends on this thread....

I suggest you stop posting, and get a mediator to facilitate an honest conversation and discussion with your husband and your children too.

It's easy to feel broody when you think your eggs are running out, and it can make a person quite crazy. Maybe you need to work on your own psychological state with a counsellor? You sound wound up to ninety.

Chucking your children's father because he won't impregnate you against his will seems so extreme to me it's indicating that you need some help to think things through clearly.

There don't have to be losers here. You could adopt, or foster a child, or sponsor a child. Or get a dog? Your desire to be a mother again may be met by not actually getting pregnant and giving birth.

Step away from this thread, and have a think. Go to mediation, work on your marriage and realise how everyone's needs may be met, including your existing children.

spondulix · 03/12/2015 01:52

Please direct that at the numerous migrants to this country who do churn out loads and dont pay for them.

Ugh that is just horrible. and compos beat me to it. A family of five "takes" far more than they put in in terms of services.

LeaLeander · 03/12/2015 02:20

Wow. Put down the wine.
The sympathy-for-her-DH meter just went through the roof.

What if everyone had four kids, OP? Don't you worry beyond the next few years of your kids "cuteness" -- what do you think their lives are going to be like when they are 50 or 80 and they are competing with 13 billion other people for air, water, jobs, food? What about their kids and their grandkids? Making a human being has repercussions that last far beyond your "stay-home-mom who just loves a houseful of offrsping" phase, you know. Try thinking outside of your own teenage dreams for a change.

echt · 03/12/2015 05:55

I think posters in mumsnet deliberately say the opposite to what you want to hear. On purpose. Just to be provocative.

Or possibly because they don't agree with you. You did, after all post on AIBU, so what did you expect?

Enjolrass · 03/12/2015 06:31

Id gotten use to the idea though and I was looking forward to it. Is that so bloody bad?

That's not what you said earlier. You said it was a deal breaker and you wouldn't get over it. That's something different.

I agree with pp who said They can see why your husband was reluctant to tell you how he felt.

You clearly don't deal with people disagreeing with you well.

Yes you should be grateful when you have one. Then if you and your dh want more then you go onto have more.

People aren't saying that you should be grateful so shut up. They are saying that you need to look at the positive.

I am quite disgusted at your 'immigrant' comment. It doesn't excuse it, but I hope you were drunk last night.

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