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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to go to this wedding?

186 replies

possum18 · 02/12/2015 10:10

Dp will be best man, I have only met the couple once. Dp will presumably sit at the top table, and I will be placed on a random table - I don't know anyone else going to this wedding. Normally I would suck it up and sit and smile but I will have given birth to twins a few weeks before and I just don't know how the whole thing will pan out. Dp has a room at the hotel and says I can use it for changing, napping and feeding whenever I want, but it's a long day. Dp will want to drink which is fine, but I won't have any help. I have asked if it would be acceptable for me to miss the wedding ceremony and breakfast and just attend the reception but I got a firm no. WIBU to sack it off?

OP posts:
HappyAsASandboy · 02/12/2015 14:05

Fuck That Shit again.

I am a roll-your-sleeves-up-and-and-do-it mother of twins, and another baby now. I happily loaded by 2 month old twins in the car and drove 4 hours to stay with family for a few days without my DH. I have taken them on holidays, camping, to weddings and to funerals.

There is no fucking way I would take newborn twins to a wedding a few weeks after they're born

If it was your sister's wedding, and she and your family were willing to bend over backwards to accommodate and help, I'd still advise saying you won't know until the day. Given the helpfulness shown by your DP and the couple so far, no fucking way.

At an absolute minimum, you would need to:

a) go in your own car, so that car seats and double buggy are sorted. You can't fit two infant car seats in a cab while holding two babies, and you can't rely on the driver to do it correctly. You won't know in advance whether your seats will fit in the cab. You won't know whether your double buggy will fit in the cab. You can't retrieve two babies, two seats and a double buggy from the cab at the other end. I was driving 10 days after each of my CS, but not far. If you're not driving, someone else needs to drive you there in your car.

b) take a lot of stuff with you. For an 8 ish hour period, my newborn twins would have needed 15 ish nappies, a packet of wipes, two changes of clothes each, two muslins each, changing mat, a blanket each, spare hat/socks each ..... You will need breast pads, maternity pads, a change of clothes for when you are poo/vomit splattered or your milk leaks everywhere. I am not being melodramatic when I say you'll need a suitcase to store it in and a large bag to carry the necessary stuff around.

c) to take a double buggy with two lie-flat seats or two carry cots. Babies are not meant to sleep in car seats for more than an hour at worst. They need to be flat.

d) space in the ceremony room and the reception room, and any other rooms they're using, for you to sit next to your double buggy. With my single baby, I can park the buggy in a corner and carry him/bag of stuff to a seat, but you can't with twins. Wherever you go, the buggy goes too.

e) somewhere private to feed. I fed my twins for almost three years, and am feeding this one too. I feed on trains, planes, mountains and buses; in libraries, swimming pools and school classrooms. But a few weeks in to feeding your first, and that first is two babies? You need somewhere where you can get your boobs out with no thought to others. Where you can feed on or both depending on how you/the babies are feeling. Where you can feed a baby, and then wind it while simultaneously mopping the baby vomit back out of your bra.

As I said, I really am a nothing-will-stop-me mum, and I have always been very stubborn about doing what other mums can do despite having twins. But this plan really won't work. Having newborn twins is amazing (despite what I said up there), and you will just instinctively do all of that stuff and not care that you stink of vomited breastmilk. But you would be a special kind of lady if you could do it all in a pretty dress, away from your house, with little/no help, when your babies are small. I have yet to meet anyone that special, though I know lots of wonderful twin mum's.

Don't go. Simple as. Your plan with your mum sounds lovely (and manageable).

teatowel · 02/12/2015 14:11

Whist I think it is very unreasonable of them to expect you to attend their wedding , I also think you have been unreasonable in turning down invitations to meet them. If they are close friends of your husband then they are going to be in his life for a long time and could actually become your friends. It seems very strange to have ignored their overtures of friendship.

Rachel0Greep · 02/12/2015 14:11

I was just about to ask if you had some help for the day, and night while your husband is away. Glad to see that your mum will be with you.
All the best with the new arrivals-to-be. Smile

AlisonWunderland · 02/12/2015 14:12

Dp has been told by wedding couple I have to attend the whole event

Have to? HAVE to?

FTS.

They should be grateful that your DP can attend.
I'd be all "Don't leave me alone with them all daaaaayyyy!"

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/12/2015 14:28

I've been to a wedding post CS with a 6 week old. In the UK but we had to fly there. DH was an usher of some sort, definitely not the best man but I didn't see him from about 8am as there was a breakfast arranged and some sort of trip to the barbers, then pre wedding pics from about 11am.

It was fine, I was recovered from the CS but I was BF'ing which to be honest was damn awkward to try to find a quiet spot. I used one of those bfing sheets burquas which was a godsend as I had to slide a strap down and bare a boob to feed DD. And then stress about milk spots staining the chiffon. I was feeding, so only a couple of glasses of champagne over about 8 hours.

Mostly it was just boring as I didn't know a lot of people at the wedding and couldn't rely on a spot of booze to ease myself into it. crap I know but I'm fairly introverted

DD got massively passed around/hijacked as the evening wore on and the noise of the band/DJ made me stress about her ears. I stayed for about 20 mins of music and then drove home solo leaving DH to make his own way back to the hotel. DD was fine but very out of sorts and we had a really bad night with her. Coincided nicely with the 6 week growth spurt though so could have just been one of those things. Overall it was a nice weekend away to be honest but I'd only remotely consider it with another adult on duty with you all day, and even then only for a very close friend.

Some very close friends attended our wedding with a 6 week old. They were the first of us to have kids so we were as clueless as the couple who are inviting you. We insisted on keeping a spot for them in case they felt up to coming for any of the day, which in hindsight is mortifying as it may have put more pressure on. They certainly had the same concerns about noise and a shit night afterwards with a disrupted baby.

The baby was the centre of attention. I have a lovely pic of their DC in my arms but it was like the paparazzi descending with the number of people who wanted to take their own pic. Happily Facebook wasn't really a thing then but that's another modern evil to consider if you don't want your twins plastered all over FB.

The other thing to consider is that 36 weeks appears to be considered full term for twins. Everyone I know who has had them, has held on until 39 weeks so I don't know if you are basing your "couple of weeks old" on your due date or what your midwife is predicting.

Either way. Not a relaxing fun day and they will totally steal the brides limelight even if they are screaming all day Grin

Killairno · 02/12/2015 14:33

Agree with everyone - being away from the house with newborns on someone else's schedule is too much that early on in the game and I am one who really tried to just get on with everything and not let babies hold me back (I did not have twins).

I also agree that the couple should be thankful that your OH is even going that soon after the birth.

Hope that your twins arrive safely and well and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

Dipankrispaneven · 02/12/2015 15:08

They clearly have no knowledge of the reality of breastfeeding if they think you can just leave the twins for the day. You will have rock-hard breasts (the very thought of it is making mine ache in sympathy) and will spend the entire day leaking milk. Is that really what they want to subject a guest to?

possum18 · 02/12/2015 15:56

Thank you all for your responses, DH has also read them and after telling me off for broadcasting our disagreement on a "chat room" , has come home with his tail between his legs, a big apologetic bunch of flowers and an offer for us to both give it a miss, or go, which ever I'm most comfortable with! Definitely a MN win - thanks again Thanks

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/12/2015 16:04

Both of you duck out. Fuck that shit.

Pyjamaramadrama · 02/12/2015 16:13

I'm really glad possum, you didn't need that kind of pressure. I hope that the rest of your pregnancy goes well and the birth Thanks

BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 02/12/2015 16:18

Ahh you're a good egg MrP.

Congratulations both, enjoy your babies Flowers

reni2 · 02/12/2015 16:21

A "Chat room"?! Tsk tsk, Mr Possum. Well done and good luck to the (soon to be) four of you!

hellsbellsmelons · 02/12/2015 16:31

If you have your mum booked he can still go, can't he?
I'm glad he has realised (and for real all too soon) how hard it will be for you.
Enjoy your flowers.

NotCitrus · 02/12/2015 17:06

Your present can be enabling DP to attend by looking after his babies. They should be getting you a nice present for making it possible!

I'm assuming it's too late to postpone the wedding a few months?

littlemermaid80 · 02/12/2015 17:14

That's more like it, Mr Possum.

EatDessertFirst · 02/12/2015 17:23

So glad you have come to your senses Mr Possum. You were never going to win this debate anyway!

Good luck with your squidgy twins! Flowers

PhoenixReisling · 02/12/2015 17:44

Result!

A second that you have a good 'un there possum Smile

Flowers for you both.

YellowTulips · 02/12/2015 18:27

Well done Mr P for doing the right thing Smile

zeetea · 02/12/2015 18:34

Ahh lovely, you're a keeper Mr Possum, enjoy your

zeetea · 02/12/2015 18:34

Whoops
...enjoy your babies both! Thanks

Whatdoidohelp · 02/12/2015 18:47

A few weeks before! Yanbu. You'll be feeling fat, bleeding heavily, leaky boobs, hormonal etc. Do not go and do not feel guilty!

Holidayrash · 02/12/2015 19:42

We separated our best man from his wife for the meal and he was on hand for duties in the morning. They had an easy going 18 month old but I still cringe at our selfishness and she knew most people there and had lots of offers of help!

Don't do it.

celtictoast · 02/12/2015 20:25

Decline!

robinofsherwood · 02/12/2015 20:53

Glad you're all sorted. I was going to say to Mr possum that in my experience (my twins are 18 months and most of my mum friends have twins) most twin dads take as active a role in parenting as the mum. The idea that after they are born, once you know how tough it is, you'd happily swan off and leave her to make her own way there was bonkers. Seriously buy your MIL a huge bunch of flowers too for facilitating this.

Your friends should be grateful though. New born twins attract a lot of attention. And a lot of sympathy. I've only once been struggling in public without someone coming to help me. Possum would be fighting off helpers all day & all anyone would say about the wedding is how gorgeous the twins were and how awful it was that the best man left his wife to cope alone.

Fuckitfay · 02/12/2015 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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