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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go to this wedding?

186 replies

possum18 · 02/12/2015 10:10

Dp will be best man, I have only met the couple once. Dp will presumably sit at the top table, and I will be placed on a random table - I don't know anyone else going to this wedding. Normally I would suck it up and sit and smile but I will have given birth to twins a few weeks before and I just don't know how the whole thing will pan out. Dp has a room at the hotel and says I can use it for changing, napping and feeding whenever I want, but it's a long day. Dp will want to drink which is fine, but I won't have any help. I have asked if it would be acceptable for me to miss the wedding ceremony and breakfast and just attend the reception but I got a firm no. WIBU to sack it off?

OP posts:

CFSsucks · 02/12/2015 11:22

If anyone told me what I was doing, it would make me even more determined not to do it. Who the hell do they think they are!

Not to scare you but I found the first weeks utterly overwhelming. I was a hormonal mess and didn't want to leave the house. DH made me go to in laws for tea the night before he returned to work, I hated it. I didn't want to be there, I just wanted to cry at home. And that was with 1 baby. I have a few friends with twins and they have all spoken about how hard it is. Please don't underestimate the difficulty of it. One friend said her DH had hallucinations through tiredness. After the first year it got better but taking 2 newborns to a wedding where you have to get there yourself and spend the day struggling to sort them out with no support is a huge "not fucking happening."

Plus section is very very likely. I had a section with my second and there is no way I would have gone to a wedding, recovering is a priority, not a strangers wedding!

MrsHathaway · 02/12/2015 11:23

FTS indeed.

For reference, when my PFB (a singleton) was about three weeks old I went to a family wedding. It was about five miles from home and baby was being looked after by the other side of the family a mile from the church. I had huge amounts of family help, and only one baby to think about.

I just went to the church service and cup of tea afterwards, then collected baby from his g-grandparents where he had slept for a couple of hours, and delivered DH to the reception venue.

I was absolutely fucking shattered by the experience. Frankly, even putting on a nice frock was a bit much as I was leaking from my vagina and breasts.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Original poster

possum18 · 02/12/2015 11:25

Sorry to drip feed, they are old friends of DH and whilst since I met them the first time I have had loads of invites to theirs for the weekend and dinner.. I've never been bothered to go, I don't dislike them, but they aren't going to be my best friends iyswim. The wedding is about half an hour from home so not miles away. They have now suggested it would give me a break if I asked someone to babysit for me for the day a) I plan on breastfeeding if I'm able to b) I don't want to be apart from them that soon and c) I wouldn't expect anyone of my friends or family to be happy having two newborns dumped on them for such a long time! Getting really upset by them now.

OP posts:

coconutpie · 02/12/2015 11:25

Another vote for fuck that shit. I wouldn't be going to ANY wedding a few weeks after giving birth to one, nevermind twins. Also dragging a newborn(s) to a wedding is just crazy, in my opinion - it's just not a nice place for them to be in when they are so tiny! And there is no way I would be separated from my newborn anyway to go to a stupid wedding.

I had a similar experience OP prior to giving birth. A friend who just wouldn't take no for an answer despite my due date being close to her wedding date. She kept saying just wait and see, you'll be able to come. It was really starting to piss me off and cause me anxiety so for a finish I just told her that I would not be going and I would feel bad if they held a place for me and were out of pocket when I would not be able to go. She finally got the message. So I would just tell them that no you are not going and that is final. It is not up for further discussion.

And as for your DP telling you that you can make your own way there on the morning of the wedding!!! WTF! Even if you were going, fuck that for a game of soldiers. His attitude will change once the babies arrive.

And if the wedding couple won't take no for an answer - that's their problem. Let them be out of pocket and pay for your place. Their wedding will still go ahead without you, they are just being self absorbed selfish wedding-zillas.

Oh and no way would I be going to the ceremony either. Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy

SparklyTinselTits · 02/12/2015 11:26

Sounds like you DP is being a bit of a selfish arse. Ask DP if he would feeling like socialising after cramming two humans out of his schmoo

petalsandstars · 02/12/2015 11:27

Nope if you go he needs to be by your side not leaving you alone with 2 newborns.

We have a similar situation next year but my littlest is a toddler. DH is already aware that he'll be expected to be looking after the DC and being a parent in the morning instead of swanning around like a single man. been there with another wedding pre dc and will not have it again

coconutpie · 02/12/2015 11:28

Aarrrgghh! Just saw your update. I fucking HATE that when these clueless idiots suggest "it'll give you a break" only weeks after giving birth. FFS! A break when you have a newborn is a nap or a chance to eat something or a chance to shower or a chance to go to the toilet!!! Not to go to some stupid wedding.

I would actually be telling them to fuck off after that comment.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/12/2015 11:29

Send them a picture of your double buggy or the largest one you can find on the internet and ask them to plan for space for it beside you at the table during dinner.

They also told him they have arranged transportation for him for early in the morning. To where?

thatscottishbiscuit · 02/12/2015 11:31

Just .

Have you got a good friend(s) or family member(s) who can spend the day with you whilst your DH is at the wedding?

Time to think about you, not them

JassyRadlett · 02/12/2015 11:31

One of my bridesmaids had twins who were 4 months at my wedding. Her sister and sister's boyfriend were there throughout to help with the babies (I don't know them but it helped her!), there was a hotel room and crucially she knew that if at any point she didn't feel up to it she could drop out and I wouldn't mind.

I think if her twins had been much younger she would have dropped out.

At 3 weeks? I think she was still in her dressing gown. Hell, I wouldn't have gone to a wedding when either of my singleton babies were 3 weeks, due to being lumpy, leaky, prone to blocked ducts and mastitis, struggling with a good latch, still feeling the stitches, etc etc. I posted a pic of DH and I having a pub lunch when DS2 was 10 days old and got applause for being dressed and out in public. (I do like my friends.)

tootsietoo · 02/12/2015 11:31

DH's best man and his wife came to our wedding with a tiny newborn. It was fine, but it was, understandably, a Big Deal. I have seen friends with newborn twins. They are in bits. There is no way you could manage two at a wedding on your own. In fact, I'm not sure how it is possible to manage twins on your own at home! And if you are bf you can't leave them with anyone else. Even if they are bottle fed, who is going to want to look after newborn twins for a day or even a few hours? My mother is amazing, and I'm sure she wouldn't do it!

I'd maybe give them the benefit of the doubt that they just don't understand. As everyone else says, though - your DH will soon understand once they are born!!

coconutpie · 02/12/2015 11:32

Oh and to add - why do people think you "need a break" a few weeks of giving birth? You've been growing these babies for 9 months and then after a few weeks you just want to "have a break"? You won't want to be separated from them at that age, they are too young. And also you are breastfeeding.

There is just no way that this is feasible. At only a few weeks old, bf'ing my baby just went on most of the day. When I wasn't bf'ing I was changing nappies. It is a constant cycle with one, nevermind twins.

Original poster

possum18 · 02/12/2015 11:32

Transport from our house to the venue in the morning, so I will be getting a taxi with baby possum 1 & 2, all their stuff and paying for the 30 min drive - lucky me! This just gets better and better! Any suggestions for a wedding present? I'd like to get them a fucking clue!!!!!!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 02/12/2015 11:32

Why are they so insistent that you go? Even if you didn't have babies on the day it would be at the very best a boring day if you didn't know anyone there. With a couple of very small babies it would be horrendous. Why do they keep insisting?

petalsandstars · 02/12/2015 11:33

I will obviously be looking after them too but getting me and them dressed fed kept clean and not pulling hotel room to pieces or scrapping with each other is something I won't be doing by myself. Plus getting to the venue and having things organised for the reception to stop tantrums.

neolara · 02/12/2015 11:35

Do you or your dh have any other kids? Do the people getting married? It sounds like everyone other than yourself is utterly clueless about what having small babies involves.

It would be madness to go. I'd cancel now, accept the couple and your dh will probably be pissed off with you. Without doubt, your dh will "get it" when the twins are born. Then he will feel a complete twit for giving you a hard time about coming. The couple probably won't get it until they have their own kids but I wouldn't worry too much about that.

multivac · 02/12/2015 11:35

Seriously, your DH needs to step up to the plate here (not because he has a penis and you don't, but because the bride and groom are his friends, not yours).

OP's DH, if you are reading this, please speak to your friends. Explain to them that your wife is very sorry to miss their wedding, but will not be able to be there, due to looking after newborn twins. She knows how much it means to you, and is happy to manage alone with the babies while you do your best man duties - but she needs to be at home, and this isn't up for discussion.

Any more pressure from them (and by implication, you) to be there at any cost to her own health and wellbeing would be not only unreasonable, but cruel.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 02/12/2015 11:36

Oh I forgot to say Congratulations and good luck on your impending new arrivals

cestlavielife · 02/12/2015 11:36

ha ha ha...that is very funny "... someone to babysit "

they are going to be newborn twins barely a few weeks old... for half an hour yeh sure you could feasibly leave them but not for a whole day and not to go dress up for a wedding... of course your friends have no idea but just keep insisting that no, you cant attend.

up to you if you think dp should still be best man but make it clear to him tat he may have to drop out at last minute and in any case you should arrange someone else to help you, have you got family lined up to help or paid doula etc?

DoreenLethal · 02/12/2015 11:36

I was going to write out a long post but just joining in on Fuck that shit.

How the hell do they think they are?

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2015 11:41

No fecking way.
DH was best man for a very close friend of ours 1 week after DS was born ( 2 weeks late) and I didn't even consider going, despite that fact that he was my 2nd child and a very easy baby/birth.
Instead I went to stay with MIL where I was treated like a Queen for bestowing another precious grandchild upon her!!!
No idea why this couple even care so much about you going, although I have to say the issue seems to be more with your clueless DH than them - he needs to tell them you aren't going END OF.

Hatethis22 · 02/12/2015 11:43

Wow. They're terriers aren't they? I hope your DH will get where you're coming from once your babies arrive.

Fuck that shit with bells on.

Jibberjabberjooo · 02/12/2015 11:49

My god, they are deluded!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 02/12/2015 11:52

I think stay home and cosy with your DTwins and you're being very generous to DP and his friends letting him go and be their best man for the day!

coconutpie · 02/12/2015 11:55

Juggling - exactly! I think OP is being very generous that she's ok with her partner swanning off to a wedding when he should be helping his partner with their newborn twins!

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