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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DS (17) make his own way home from work?

214 replies

VelvetSpoon · 01/12/2015 23:09

My DS1 has just started a part time job, working 10 hours a week. Tonight he was working til 10.30.

DS phoned and asked for a lift, as the bus wasn't coming for 20-25 mins (it's a 25 min walk home, or 2 mins on bus and a 10 min walk), and it was raining and he only had a thin, non waterproof coat, so didn't want to walk.

My bf (who would have to have gone and got him) said no, as earlier we'd had to give DS a lift to work as otherwise he'd have been late (no reason, he was just faffing about).

I agreed with this, especially as DS had already had a lift today...but equally he's still not home and has to be up at 6.30 tomorrow for school...so was I BU?

OP posts:
RiverTam · 02/12/2015 20:56

I was only just 18 when I started uni and was completely left to my own devices for 3 months at a time. A shy, innocent, naive and immature 18. Phoning parents for lifts home in the rain was not an option open to any of us! You just got on with it and had to take responsibility for yourself, something that we all embraced.

The OP's DS has joined the working world. He was very lucky that his mum's bf was around to drive him to work so he wasn't late after fannying around - he could have lost his job! But to ring later wanting another lift from the bf - who was a visitor of sorts in his mum's home at the time - was totally taking the piss. Says quite a bit about him, tbh.

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 20:56

School by bus. They would take their lives in their hands to cycle.

TheFairyCaravan · 02/12/2015 21:10

This argument that people should stop doing things for their teens that gets reeled out on MN, time after time after time on teenage threads is ridiculous.

I have had 2 teens, I know lots of families that have had, or do have teens. The vast majority of people think nothing of cooking them their meals because that is what families do. My kids in return cook for all of us. We don't put the washing machine on without their clothes because that would be selfish, and a ridiculous waste of energy. If they have something they want washing they check the dirty linen basket and ask the other family members if anyone else has anything that needs to go on.

My kids haven't suffered from living in a family that operate as a team rather than a group of individuals, the opposite is true. They are the most helpful considerate people you could care to meet. DS2 is a student nurse, last weekend his flat mate was on a late and then an early the next day. She'd put her uniform in the dryer before she went off on her shift. He got it out, ironed it and hung it up for her so she didn't have to worry about it at 10:30pm at night.

AnyFucker · 02/12/2015 21:15

tbh, I would have refused the first lift if I was refusing any of them

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 21:28

Exactly TheFairyCaravan and it does make me wonder if some of those replying actually have teens if they are comfortable about them cycling in traffic on a dark wet night.
I am safely on the other side with 3 adult DCs who live away from home , hold down jobs, manage cooking and washing etc etc.
If I were to phone them up and ask for a lift because it was wet and I had 20 mins to wait for a bus they would give me one - not say they have already given me a lift and it was my own silly fault for not taking a coat!
I also agree with AnyFucker that if I were to refuse a lift it would have been the earlier one.

myotherusernameisbetter · 02/12/2015 21:30

Fairy yes absolutely. No-one os saying you should mollycoddle them to the point that they can't cope with real life, but kindness and empathy and doing each other favours is an equally valid lesson to teach your children/teens.

I've just been to pick up my 14 year old from swimming - it's as quick to cycle as it is to drive. However, it's dark, it's almost freezing (1 degree c) and he'd have to cross an unmanned rail crossing and he has wet hair. In the summer when it's light and warm he cycles.

bearleftmonkeyright · 02/12/2015 21:47

There was a bus on its way. If it had been me at 17 I would have just got on the bus. But of course I would not have had a mobile. My DP was cycling a 30 mile round trip to full time work every day at that age (although he was and still is really into cycling.) As a PP said in a few months he could be at Uni and there would be no option for ringing for lifts. Just forget about it now. If your boyfriend had not been around he would have been getting the bus regardless.

Haffdonga · 02/12/2015 21:53

If it was my son I would have done (because being fit for school takes priority over work or learning independence).

BUT because you don't drive and because your bf doesn't live with you I'd say not in this case. (I can see why your bf might feel pretty grumpy about going out in the car again at that stage of night because ds didn't like the rain.)

M48294Y · 02/12/2015 21:59

Mehitabel. I have teens. Most of my friends have teens. I know plenty of 11 and 12 year olds who cycle home from secondary school in the dark in London traffic on a wet night, let alone 17 year olds!

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 22:10

There is absolutely no way that I would cycle in London! Therefore I wouldn't have a moment's peace at the thought of a teen on a bike in the dark and rain, with mad drivers or lorry drivers who simply don't see them.
Walking fine, bus fine but absolute NO to cycling.(unless clearly defined and separate from traffic cycle lanes.)

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 22:15

I can't see why cycling came into it. He was on foot catching a bus.

M48294Y · 02/12/2015 22:23

Mehitabel - I mentioned teens cycling because of your comment about not letting people cycle anywhere on a dark wet night.

You are sounding increasingly hysterical if I may say so!

Do you honestly think that all parents of young teens who cycle to and from school are irresponsible/uncaring/unkind?

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 02/12/2015 22:27

DS didn't ask for a lift the first time, bf told him he'd take him (because when we arrived back at the house it was 20 mins before he was due to start work, he'd have been late otherwise).

If I'd insisted, I know bf would have gone and got DS. But I don't feel that's his job really - and also that DS shouldn't have been late earlier (he only started job 2 weeks ago).

OP posts:
Daisychain5 · 02/12/2015 22:31

I can't believe you would leave your son to walk home. For goodness sake, what's the matter with you?

M48294Y · 02/12/2015 22:34

There is nothing the matter with op Daisychain. She has not done something that you think you would do, that's all. Your manners appear to be letting you down in a major way, however.

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 22:39

You may say that I am 'sounding increasingly hysterical' if you wish but it is very wide of the mark!
People make up their own mind, with their own locality as to cycling. Where I live it is not safe for me to cycle at any time of day.
I don't think that any 11/12 yr olds are cycling home at 10.30pm in the rain without coats. I would call that irresponsible/uncaring/unkind.
Since the DS is 17, not going to school, not cycling, can get a bus it is perfectly OK to not give him a lift. However I would give the lift. My DSs would now give me the lift.

M48294Y · 02/12/2015 22:47

I have cycled more or less every day in London since 1991 and I haven't even fallen off my bike once. So when you say "No way would I cycle in London!" I have to wonder what you base that on? It can't be more dangerous than being a pedestrian or travelling in a car in London? But anyway, you already said you live in the countryside.

myotherusernameisbetter · 02/12/2015 22:50

To be fair to the OP, we have now been having a debate about whether we would pick up our DSs in the same circumstance. But the OP in this instance was not the one going out to collect, her non resident boyfriend was. He is not the child's parent and its not really his job to do it or the OPs job to make him. But, in similar circumstances I would collect my son. I'd also be giving him a lecture and telling him that he took the job on and that if he wants a lift every time he is working that should have been discussed first prior to accepting the job. However, I really don't mind picking people up, I rarely drink and I tend to be up late anyway.

DixieNormas · 02/12/2015 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 22:51

Good for you but I fail to see what it has to do with a 17yr old with no bike.
I think it is a whole new debate to list what I base it on.

Backawaynow2 · 02/12/2015 23:00

Ah well.

Good on you.

My dd aged 12 was very badly injured in a road crash for a while we all thought she was dead.

Our kid.

We don't feel the need to teach our kids lessons, we have all learned them. We are a family.

We just get by helping each other.

If we can we pick up, help, nurture each other.

Still despise your boyfriend op.

DixieNormas · 02/12/2015 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

M48294Y · 02/12/2015 23:06

Why do you despise her boyfriend Backawaynow? What a funny thing to say.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 02/12/2015 23:09

You despise my bf backawaynow? Really?

Rather an extreme comment isn't it? Based on what? The offence of not giving one lift - when plenty of posters on this thread have said they wouldn't have given a lift to their OWN children in a similar situation.

Do you despise all of them too?

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 02/12/2015 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.