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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DS (17) make his own way home from work?

214 replies

VelvetSpoon · 01/12/2015 23:09

My DS1 has just started a part time job, working 10 hours a week. Tonight he was working til 10.30.

DS phoned and asked for a lift, as the bus wasn't coming for 20-25 mins (it's a 25 min walk home, or 2 mins on bus and a 10 min walk), and it was raining and he only had a thin, non waterproof coat, so didn't want to walk.

My bf (who would have to have gone and got him) said no, as earlier we'd had to give DS a lift to work as otherwise he'd have been late (no reason, he was just faffing about).

I agreed with this, especially as DS had already had a lift today...but equally he's still not home and has to be up at 6.30 tomorrow for school...so was I BU?

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 02/12/2015 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatTheHellDoIDoNoww · 02/12/2015 13:46

DD (18) works until 8-9pm on weekends and one weekday where she has to go to college the next day.

Not sure how it ended up like this but it is in our routine to pick her up from work in same way as it is to pick younger DCs up from school Hmm as she complains of 'weirdos' on the bus harassing her. We are just happy that she is holding down a busy public facing job in a major retailer (she suffered from social anxiety when younger) and can buy all the clothes she wants with her own money. At least she gets TO work and to and from college herself on the bus which is a major leap from this time last year!

I would definitely have picked up, boy or girl, that late at night. Poor chap. I would probably do it if he was 30 tbh Blush.

IsYourNameMichaelDiamond · 02/12/2015 13:52

I think you should ask your son if he thought it was unreasonable - could lead to a good chat about responsibilities and what you all expect from each other.
But I only teach teenagers and won't be parenting teenagers for 10 years so take my advice with a truck load of salt Wink

Anotherusername1 · 02/12/2015 14:01

I don't drive, dp does but I doubt he would want to go back out after being at work for 14 hours just because someone didn't want to wait 20 mins for a bus

A 25 minute walk is a very short drive. At that time of night I'd go out to collect a family member. No questions asked and regardless of weather. And it's not "someone", it's the OP's son.

I am surprised at the number of women on MN who don't drive. Is this because you all have medical reasons for not doing so? The ability to drive brings a lot of freedom. I wonder how many men can't/don't drive?

RiverTam · 02/12/2015 14:48

Immediately off the top of my head I can think of 4 blokes who don't drive, but only one woman. Who is very like the OP, doesn't think twice about walking or using public transport, and her DD is used to walking a lot (aged 6).

I think some prople are being rather harsh to the OP's bf. He'd come over for a date night, not to ferry about a disorganised nearly adult. He'd done him one favour by driving him to work, pretty cheeky to expect another, when there were other options available (walk, bus, cab).

Anyway, the only people's opinions that really matter are the OP's and her son's.

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 14:53

It obviously bothers OP or she wouldn't have asked.

NewLife4Me · 02/12/2015 15:00

If he's old enough to work and find a job he's old enough to get himself home.
when they are children I quite agree that when you take on a woman with children, they come as a package. But seriously at 17 it's not the OP bf responsibility to get her son home.

Backawaynow2 · 02/12/2015 15:11

No not her responsibility but I do wonder if some of you actually treat family members like this in RL.

He's 17 and of bourse well able to walk but it's cold, dark, rainy and he's gone a long shift.

No bf of mine would be hanging around long if he couldn't be arsed to drive 5 mins to pick up my kid.

Lozza1990 · 02/12/2015 15:17

I would also have picked him up. You would pick up your partner/husband/friend if they called and you weren't doing anything, wouldn't you? Obviously it was your boyfriend's call as he is the one driving but if he said it just to prove a point by 'teaching' him something then I think it's all pointless. No harm picking him up. If he just couldn't be bothered then fair play, I guess.

BarbarianMum · 02/12/2015 15:20

Really? When you marry them maybe, but since when are you responsible for a woman's children just because you are going out? Is he responsible for housing and feeding them too? If a woman starts seeing a man with children, is it suddenly her job to provide childcare for them?

Dowser · 02/12/2015 15:36

I'd have got him. No ifs or buts.

It called paying it forward.

My son came out to collect me in his car when the battery died and it was as dead as a dodo!

Part of being a family I would have thought...doing nice things for each other.

( I did have two of his children on the back seat....that might have helped lol!)

I jest. No one in our family would see anyone stuck.

diddl · 02/12/2015 15:40

"No one in our family would see anyone stuck."

He wasn't stuck though, he just didn't want to walk.

Tried his luck, it didn't work.

No harm done!

foragogo · 02/12/2015 15:42

I would have picked him up if i hadnt been doing anything. Why not?

KinkyAfro · 02/12/2015 15:42

He wasn't stuck Dowser, he could've waited for the bus or walked. It's his own fault that he didn't wear suitable clothing, he's 17 FFS, he needs to take a bit of responsibility for himself.

OnlyLovers · 02/12/2015 15:45

YANBU. He could have waited for the bus, or walked. And if he doesn't wear his decent coat because he doesn't like it Hmm, he needs to get one he does like with his wages.

mouldycheesefan · 02/12/2015 15:47

Of course would have picked up. It was late, dark, raining. Surely we can all do our kids a favour now and again.

My mum was like this, we are now NC as she is so unreasonable.

Kitsandkids · 02/12/2015 15:47

I know for a fact that if I'd had a job finishing so late when I was 17, my dad would have been outside in the car waiting for me at the end of each shift.

I know that is not a possibility for you, but personally I would think a little less of a boyfriend if they wouldn't slightly put themselves out late at night to help my child. Because a leisurely 25 minute walk would be less than 5 minutes in a car, so not much effort for a driver.

I wouldn't want to walk home alone that late at night so I wouldn't particularly want my teenager to do so either. I know he could have waited for a bus, but again he would have been hanging around really late at night by himself and would also have a 10 minute walk at the end of the bus journey anyway.

KinkyAfro · 02/12/2015 15:51

But that's just real life, what happens when he gets a full time job maybe in a year or so and has to make his way there and back - does he get to ring up for lift every day? I leave the house at 5.00 a.m. and don't get back until 8.00 p.m, take 2 buses and a train to get to/from work, even in December in the cold and wet because that's what you have to do when you have a job.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 02/12/2015 15:57

Yes, he should of taken a jacket. Yes, he should of been more organised and left early enough to get there in good time.

However, if any adult asked me for a lift late at night, in winter, when it was raining I'd happily go. Especially for my children, regardless of age.

Akire · 02/12/2015 16:00

As a one off no harm done but after you had already bailed him out that day? No. Waiting 1h 25m for bus is one thing waiting 25m no problem.

He wants to work and agreed the job hours did he take it on absunption you would be taking him back and forth all the time? I would want to have that conversation. if you boyfriend is happy to be asked every shift then great but if it's going cause strain then another matter.

ElinorRochdale · 02/12/2015 16:06

In a few months this lad will be eighteen, going out to pubs and coming home much later than 10.30. Should OP's boyfriend be giving him lifts then?

TheFairyCaravan · 02/12/2015 16:11

Our children will be 19&21 later this month. We live very rurally, however most of the time DS1 lives at the army camp he's stationed at and DS2 is at uni. When they are at home and they go out to pubs and clubs we always say that if they are stuck to phone and we will pick them up, regardless of the time. They know they can, and they're not scared to, they haven't done it yet though.

Helping our children out with lifts etc haven't turned them into adults that can't cope in the outside world, far from it.

Sallystyle · 02/12/2015 16:12

I would give a lift to anyone in the winter in the same situation.

Sure, he could have walked home but I value kindness and if a partner of mine refused to do it I wouldn't be much impressed. I would think a lot less of him.

I sometimes pick up my ds from college. He gets the bus but it's a lot of waiting around, two buses and a walk. If the weather is bad I will happily pick him up. My husband picks me up from work when I could get a bus just to be nice.

We walk a lot, mine have all walked miles from a young age but sometimes it is just nice to be kind, especially when he had to be up early the next morning.

Sallystyle · 02/12/2015 16:14

And we have so many threads on here about young adults who seem incompetent and unable to look after themselves in any way!

I can assure you that the op's son will not turn into an incompetent man just because he got a lift from work.

There are children who turn into adults who can't look after themselves, but that's from years of having everything done for them, not getting a lift back from work.

LittleSnaily · 02/12/2015 16:20

I think that getting in the car to save a 17 year old a 25 minute walk in the rain is utterly ridiculous. I wouldn't do it! Get a bike, it would be about a ten minute cycle.