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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DS (17) make his own way home from work?

214 replies

VelvetSpoon · 01/12/2015 23:09

My DS1 has just started a part time job, working 10 hours a week. Tonight he was working til 10.30.

DS phoned and asked for a lift, as the bus wasn't coming for 20-25 mins (it's a 25 min walk home, or 2 mins on bus and a 10 min walk), and it was raining and he only had a thin, non waterproof coat, so didn't want to walk.

My bf (who would have to have gone and got him) said no, as earlier we'd had to give DS a lift to work as otherwise he'd have been late (no reason, he was just faffing about).

I agreed with this, especially as DS had already had a lift today...but equally he's still not home and has to be up at 6.30 tomorrow for school...so was I BU?

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 02/12/2015 06:56

It wasn't me giving the lift, as I don't drive. It would have been my bf. And of course if he wasn't here last night (we don't live together) then there would have been no possibility of a lift anyway.

In answer to the comments over his working hours, DS started at 6. He finishes school at 1 on a Tues. So should have enough 'downtime' in theory. And also no reason for him to have been (almost) late at the start of his shift, but for our intervention.

I do see it from both sides. I can see he was tired. But he could have walked (if he'd had a proper coat on).

The bus is free for him (as he's still in education). He does have a bike but there's nowhere to keep it where he works so it's unlikely he'd use it.

Part of the reason for him getting a job (finally) is to pay for driving lessons. Once he does, and passes, there is a car he can use.

OP posts:
ArmchairTraveller · 02/12/2015 07:02

' He does have a bike but there's nowhere to keep it where he works so it's unlikely he'd use it.'

Confused Buy him a bike lock.
I chained mine to all sorts of objects, it rarely entered a bike shed. It survived a decade.

SoupDragon · 02/12/2015 07:03

I would have picked him up but I drive and its just me so there is no issue. Personally I think your BF was a bit mean but it's his choice and your DS isn't his child

Savagebeauty · 02/12/2015 07:03

DS works till 9 a couple of evenings a week...he can be home by bus at 9.30. I sometimes pick him up ( ten minute drive) but only if I've arranged it in advance. Never on a Friday .

BrendaandEddie · 02/12/2015 07:04

I pick mine up. Tell your boyfriend to piss off

BrendaandEddie · 02/12/2015 07:05

Op. Why don't you have driving lessons?

Always baffled by the amount on mn ers who don't drive. Simply doesn't match with my rl experience

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 02/12/2015 07:06

He has a bike lock, there's just nothing in the vicinity he could attach it to. That's what I meant by there being nowhere to keep it (and nowhere on the premises of where he works either).

OP posts:
diddl · 02/12/2015 07:07

Did he know the hours before he took the job?

If so, how did he think that he was going to get to & from work?

He's taken the job to benefit himself so I don't see why others should be involved in getting him to & from it!

We'd have both been in bed by 10.30!

SoupDragon · 02/12/2015 07:12

how did he think that he was going to get to & from work?

Given he was waiting for the bus, I imagine it was by bus.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 02/12/2015 07:17

I wouldn't want a partner who limited the number of lifts he would give a child.

Who begrudges a quick journey for a hard working teen? Poor lad.

Salene · 02/12/2015 07:20

I think it's a little mean and personally I would of collected him,

AnyoneButSanta · 02/12/2015 07:22

It's quite a big favour to ask of your mum's boyfriend who doesn't live with you and happens to be at your house on a date. The step parents board would be apoplectic at a man who expected his girlfriend to drive his son each way to work when they weren't even living as a family.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 02/12/2015 07:26

I wouldn't have collected, even if I drove. He's practically an adult, and if he's ok enough to walk home pissed from a party he can bloody well walk home from work.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 02/12/2015 07:27

I would have collected him too - he wouldn't have even had to ask, I'd have been waiting outside his work when he finished. Dh still picks our teenagers up from school if he is home, whether it is raining or not.

My mum still remembers being left to walk miles home from visiting her parents house when she was heavily pg and it was freezing outside, because her dad cba to drive her. People remember the little things which show you care and the things which show you do not.

I couldn't have relaxed at home knowing I'd left my dc standing in the rain for 25 minutes when I could easily have fetched him. I think you should get yourself a kinder bf!

RapidlyOscillating · 02/12/2015 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigTillyMint · 02/12/2015 07:33

I would have gone to get him or sent DH. Not his fault the bus wasn't coming - I don't think the coat has much to do with it: it's miserable walking home late at night after work and have to get up early again the next day for school/work.

However, your situation is different and it is not you or his father having to give the lift, but your bf. Totally up to him if he wants to do it or not.

ArmchairTraveller · 02/12/2015 07:33

I tend to be more supportive in a transition phase than as a regular "Yes, I'll always pick you up'
First few weeks yes, then I'd back off unless the weather was nasty or the child was feeling ill. It works for us, but the good side of MN is the range of suggestions and the differences between us.

merrymouse · 02/12/2015 07:34

I think it's a bit different as you weren't the one who could give a lift.

I would have jumped in the car, but I wouldn't expect somebody who wasn't a family member and who had already dropped off to also pick up.

ArmchairTraveller · 02/12/2015 07:36

Does your boyfriend mind driving you everywhere and picking you up?
Or do you walk on a regular basis? My OH doesn't drive and gets a lift from me whenever he asks for one. Which is rarely.

museumum · 02/12/2015 07:37

I don't consider 20min at a bus stop to be a big deal. We live in a city with no parking so even though we drive we all also use the bus a lot. I wouldn't have gone out in the car in OPs situation. However if he'd missed the bus and faced a longer wait or later return than usual I would have. I don't think I'm mean or strict but I do think people with jobs should take responsibility for getting themselves there and home. I'd never ask dh to drive me to work unless there was very unusual circumstances.

stopfaffing · 02/12/2015 07:42

OP, I think he should have waited for the bus or chose to walk. He shouldn't have even phoned you for a lift home, imo because this is his problem to deal with, not yours. He chose not to wear a proper coat. You were right to say no, it is tough love.

While waiting or walking in the rain he would have had time to think about the consequences of (a) not wearing a rain coat/having a brolly and would plan to take one next time and (b) faffing so he risked being late for work, next time he would make sure to be organised.

It is tough love and it will ensure he learns to plan ahead without using you to correct his mistakes all the time.

riverboat1 · 02/12/2015 07:44

The reasonableness/unreasonableness hasn't really got anything to do with you, its between your DS and your boyfriend as far as I see it.

I got very few lifts as a teen and got the bus everywhere or walked. I certainly wouldn't have got a job then expected my dad (mum didn't drive) to shuttle me to and from it all the time.

If this was a genuine one off then I'd say your BF was being U and mean. But it sounds like it isn't, like your DS just isn't very organised and needs to learn to manage his time and travel better .

Ubik1 · 02/12/2015 07:48

17 is old enough to wait 20 mins and get the bus.

Plenty 17 year olds work

NinjaLeprechaun · 02/12/2015 07:54

"Oh an no teenager in the history of the world has ever wanted to wear a warm coat! They seem to think they are waterproof!"
They are waterproof. Confused

If I drove I would pick my daughter up in that situation, but I wouldn't ask somebody else on her behalf.

diddl · 02/12/2015 08:06

"Given he was waiting for the bus, I imagine it was by bus."

Exactly!

So why the uproar about him actually being left to get the bus?Confused