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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DS (17) make his own way home from work?

214 replies

VelvetSpoon · 01/12/2015 23:09

My DS1 has just started a part time job, working 10 hours a week. Tonight he was working til 10.30.

DS phoned and asked for a lift, as the bus wasn't coming for 20-25 mins (it's a 25 min walk home, or 2 mins on bus and a 10 min walk), and it was raining and he only had a thin, non waterproof coat, so didn't want to walk.

My bf (who would have to have gone and got him) said no, as earlier we'd had to give DS a lift to work as otherwise he'd have been late (no reason, he was just faffing about).

I agreed with this, especially as DS had already had a lift today...but equally he's still not home and has to be up at 6.30 tomorrow for school...so was I BU?

OP posts:
myotherusernameisbetter · 02/12/2015 16:35

i'd like to think that a friend or family member would be happy to pick me up on a cold wet dark winter night to save me from a 25 minute walk. But maybe I live in a parallel universe where people have empathy.

ArmchairTraveller · 02/12/2015 16:39

It's also about the response of the DS to being turned down for a lift.
Almost-independent, nearly-adult shrugs his shoulders and walks or waits for the bus, and doesn't get irritated about it.
Entitled bratkin stomps through the door in a huff, whining. Smile
So which was he, OP?

M48294Y · 02/12/2015 16:59

"But maybe I live in a parallel universe where people have empathy."

Lol, could you actually be more pious?

myotherusernameisbetter · 02/12/2015 17:03

as an atheist I wouldn't use the word Pious for a start - smacks too much of the bible.

I just don't get why people can be so ignorant and rude just because the person happens to be a teenager.

Teaching them a lesson? what, that it's okay not to think about other people? great lesson.

elbuortgib · 02/12/2015 17:05

Support him - he's earning so presumably showing a good work ethic - what harm is it to you or your bf fetching him home? Really?

Its actually nice to do good things for people generally, let alome your son.

MatildaTheCat · 02/12/2015 17:27

Haven't RTFT but my ds did these hours at the same age and similar sort of journey. I usually dropped him there and he got the bus home. Only picked him up by prior arrangement and it was fine.

Sallystyle · 02/12/2015 17:30

If you would do it for a friend/relative then why not do it for your child?

Fair enough if you are the kind of person who wouldn't go out of your way in these circumstances for anyone. I don't understand it but whatever.

If you would do it for friends and relatives but not for your child then that is just really odd and mean.

I know I've done a good enough job that my son won't turn into a young man who can't look after himself because he sometimes gets a lift. I know it won't stop him being self-sufficient and I'm just doing a small kindness, one that I appreciate when my husband does it for me. I am sure my son will pick me up from work when he learns to drive at times as well.

I like making life a bit easier for my son for picking him up in bad weather.

Sallystyle · 02/12/2015 17:30

by picking him up*

ArmchairTraveller · 02/12/2015 17:37

'If you would do it for a friend/relative then why not do it for your child?'

But he's not the boyfriend's child.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 02/12/2015 17:43

I think the crux of it is that as a family (me, DS1 and 2) none of us drive.

So if either DS goes anywhere, they walk, use public transport or (occasionally) DS2s will give them a lift. That's how it's always been.

My bf doesn't live with us. He is at my house several nights a week, but although he's not quite a guest (in that he pitches in with cooking, washing up etc, gives me money towards food he eats when at mine) he's not yet part of our household either. So whilst he might offer me, or either DS a lift, there's not the same expectation as with a parent/ child.

I dont think there's anything wrong with bf saying no, especially given we'd saved DS from being late (when he had no excuse for not having got ready/ set off earlier) the same evening. And I think in a similar situation if the positions were reversed, I wouldn't have gone to pick up his DC.

If I could drive, parental guilt being what it is I probably would have got DS. But I don't think not getting him will do him any harm!

As to how he felt about it, he was a bit miffed, quite tired and pretty cold by the time he got in. He wasn't stroppy about it but not exactly happy either. Which to me seems like a fair reaction.

OP posts:
FithColumnist · 02/12/2015 17:46

Get the poor sod a decent coat?

ArmchairTraveller · 02/12/2015 17:47

Do you think he'll take a coat or a kagoul next time? Grin

diddl · 02/12/2015 17:52

"Get the poor sod a decent coat?"

Perhaos he's got one but just didn't wear it?

ArmchairTraveller · 02/12/2015 17:54

You don't need a decent coat, layers and a waterproof work well and it's windproof. Add gloves and a hat if it is really rough weather.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 02/12/2015 17:58

He's got coats, but won't wear them. Last year I bought him a really warm, thick parka but he refuses to wear it as it's too big/ makes him look fat (he says). He's also got a quilted Barbour style jacket, which hopefully he'll wear next time, it's warmer but no hood.

Chances of him wearing a kagoul, or taking an umbrella 0/10. I honestly think he'd rather get wet! Grin

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/12/2015 18:09

It's very rarely about just one thing though, is it?

Not sure if you've said how long he's had this job, but since he'd already risked lateness for no good reason that day (and especially in light of previous incidents, if memory serves) I'm afraid I'd definitely have expected him to sort out his own journey home

Sorry

ElinorRochdale · 02/12/2015 19:29

Get the poor sod a decent coat?
He's seventeen, earning his own money. He can buy his own coat if he wants one!

museumum · 02/12/2015 19:55

those saying you'd do it for a friend - really? do you go around phoning friends saying 'it's raining out and i couldn't be arsed to bring a coat, can you come out and give me a lift to where i want to be?'

none of my friends do, we all get ourselves around.

emergencies - A&E or a car breakdown or lost keys or whatever then of course, in an instant, but just coming home from work? no way.

Katarzyna79 · 02/12/2015 20:28

i don't drive but if my friend called and said I'm at x place bus not arriving, got no money for taxi. id get a taxi and pick her up, that's what friends do for each other and family what's wrong with that? She'd do it for me.

i have sympathy for the lad, but since OP has clarified the b/f does not live in and is not a full member of the household then her son shouldn't expect a lift. I've always had a good coat, but i notice for a lot of folks even adults its all about looking good over being practical. Ive seen people in the snow without a warm coat just jacket. throw his jacket out make him use a coat. gloves, warm hat, ankle boots to keep rain out rather than crappy shoes. I'm always prepared I'm never getting wet or cold

only other concern is safety at night, if its a quiet walk its better he waits for the bus, but i wouldn't wait for a bus if no one else was there and its deserted that's not safe either, i find that worse. emergency cab fare in case bus cancelled. hitch ride with colleague pay towards petrol?

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 20:30

I wonder if some of you actually have a 17yr old if you are quite happy for them to cycle in traffic, in the dark and rain. It would scare me rigid.

wanderingwondering · 02/12/2015 20:32

Fgs-in less than a year he could be at university and (hopefully) making his own way around in all weathers and light conditions.

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 20:34

I still wouldn't want them on a bike- I don't trust drivers.

M48294Y · 02/12/2015 20:44

Mehitabel - how do your children get to school?

myotherusernameisbetter · 02/12/2015 20:44

Fgs-in less than a year he could be at university and (hopefully) making his own way around in all weathers and light conditions.

Apply that same logic to other things

i.e. being out drinking at the same age
Having sex at 15 as in less than a year it's legal

There is a difference between a 17 year old and an 18 year old, plus for the first few months at Uni it wont be December and pitch black and freezing.

I'm with Mehitabel on this occasion. My eldest is 15 and a half, so I don't quite have a 17 year old yet, but I certainly don't have an issue with driving him and his brother places in the winter evenings. It's not just about having a bike and locking it up at this time of year, he needs suitable clothing for the weather (might be different clothes to what he needs for his job) and dark, a helmet, decent lights - all of which could easily get stolen even on a secured bike and if he takes them off the bike, then he needs places to store them at work and then he needs to re-attach before cycling etc.

M48294Y · 02/12/2015 20:50

I rather suspect op's son does have a winter coat which he forgot to take with him last night. As well as forgetting to get himself ready on time meaning that he also needed a lift from op's partner to even get to his job on time.

Part of teaching your dc to be able to function in an adult world is to gradually treat them more and more like adults, imo. Stop picking up their dirty washing, stop providing meals like a cafe, stop stripping their beds, stop making their social arrangements, stop running around after them generally. To say that not doing these things when they are on the brink of leaving home is unkind of abusive is just utter nonsense. Infact, I'd argue the reverse is true.