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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DS (17) make his own way home from work?

214 replies

VelvetSpoon · 01/12/2015 23:09

My DS1 has just started a part time job, working 10 hours a week. Tonight he was working til 10.30.

DS phoned and asked for a lift, as the bus wasn't coming for 20-25 mins (it's a 25 min walk home, or 2 mins on bus and a 10 min walk), and it was raining and he only had a thin, non waterproof coat, so didn't want to walk.

My bf (who would have to have gone and got him) said no, as earlier we'd had to give DS a lift to work as otherwise he'd have been late (no reason, he was just faffing about).

I agreed with this, especially as DS had already had a lift today...but equally he's still not home and has to be up at 6.30 tomorrow for school...so was I BU?

OP posts:
Stillunexpected · 02/12/2015 00:04

I have a 17 year old who has a part-time job. He doesn't work every weekend but it is 11 miles away. In Summer, he usually cycles both ways but in Winter we drive him. It's a bit of a pain at times but I am proud of him for getting a decent Saturday job in an area that interest him (don't want to out myself but it is not the usual retail/restaurant work), having his own money to fund his social life, hobbies etc and it gives him something useful to put on his CV and talk about in interviews.

I think it is quite mean of you not to give him a lift on a school night, presumably he is in Yr 13 and I know from experience it's a really intense time of year, so he has busy days. If is a 2 min bus journey and a 10 min walk, surely it would have taken hardly any time at all to collect him? Why would you not be prepared to do that?

Oh an no teenager in the history of the world has ever wanted to wear a warm coat! They seem to think they are waterproof!

BaronessEllaSaturday · 02/12/2015 00:06

He got a lift one way which I think is reasonable, if he hadn't been messing around he wouldn't have needed a lift there in which case he would have got one home so the only person responsible for either waiting for the bus or walking home is himself. He won't melt in the rain.

Katarzyna79 · 02/12/2015 00:11

i don't drive husband does, but if he wasn't doing anything and moaned id nag him till he went lol If he was stubborn (which he is) id get a cab and go the weather isn't great right now.

I did my first job at 15 yrs old in the city centre late night xmas hours. I didn't like hanging around for the bus because it was near an area that got full of yobs and trouble could break out easily. I felt vulnerable too young female and alone in dark crappy weather. So if i couldn't see the bus there on approaching ( they usually arrive every 5-10 mins) i'd walk fast, it was about 15 mins max, quicker if i ran. i did run a few times because I was being followed.

I felt like my brothers who lived at home and were sitting around doing nothing didn't care. My parents didn't drive so i didn't blame them, but often thought how come they don't phone to check why I'm late like other colleagues parents did. i felt like they didn't care about my wellbeing and safety. A lot of my colleagues have family waiting outside with a lift home ive never had no one. One colleagues father insisted he give me a lift, i was so greatful for that but felt soooo bad even though they were going in the same direction.

so on that sad tale of childhood trauma lol i would go car or no car.

bessiebumptious2 · 02/12/2015 00:11

Of course he won't melt in the rain, but it's just a nice thing to do and particularly at that time of night. I'm the first person to say that kids today are largely pandered to, but I think it's different if they're working and making an effort instead of sitting around doing bugger all.

My dad used to come and pick me up from work regularly (split shifts) when I was 17 and I appreciated it so much because I was truly knackered. He'd come out to get me at midnight if necessary.

PinkFlamingoAteMyLipstick · 02/12/2015 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 02/12/2015 00:12

To be honest I wouldn't let my DS work till that late on a school night. Won't it affect his school work? I know that most schools expect them to do 3 hours home study at the age of 17.

PinkFlamingoAteMyLipstick · 02/12/2015 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RB68 · 02/12/2015 00:19

Statistically more young men than women are attacked at night.

I would be annoyed given earlier lift but would have gone and used return to have the convo about if he wants to be able to phone for a lift home he needs to get his act together and get there on time under his own steam.

Hope he is home now

madein1995 · 02/12/2015 00:24

I'd have picked him up. It's late, it was raining and you were at home. If you weren't home then it's different, but you were and could have. If the roles were reversed and son refused to give you a lift, I bet posters would have been harping on about lack of respect etc etc. Families work together and help each other out and tbh I'd be pissed off at having to walk 25 mins in rain after a shift in work, maybe have some empathy. Families are supposed to help out one another, not make life as difficult as possible. Maybe think how lucky you are. He's 17, he works, he's still in school. I can think of many lads that age near me who spend their days drinking and snorting their benefit money. Perhaps you should count your lucky stars and be supportive to a son who clearly isn't a bad one. There is a difference between pandering and being a nice parent. I'm sure you were overjoyed at seeing your poor ds walk through the front door, knackered after work and sopping wet while you were sat in the warm.

supersop60 · 02/12/2015 00:25

I would have picked him up. I would have picked up my DP or my sister or a friend in the same situation.
He's got school in the morning too? Are you trying to make his life harder?
OR don't you drive and you don't want to ask your bf for another favour???

CremeBrulee · 02/12/2015 00:30

Yep, I would have picked him up. He's working, it's late, raining and dark. Add in the early start for school and it's a no brainier.

DancingDinosaur · 02/12/2015 00:33

I'd have picked him up.

VenusRising · 02/12/2015 00:33

Why didn't he call a taxi?
If he's earning he could have afforded it?

Also he should get a bike, and a bit of gumption, and bring his effing coat.

He's 17 not 14. Time for him to grow up a bit and take responsibility for himself.

Brioche201 · 02/12/2015 00:36

I wouldn't be happy about them working so late on a school night especially when he has to be up early.Yes I would certainly have picked up.

Brioche201 · 02/12/2015 00:37

but we live in a rural area with no public transport, so probably a very different situation

amarmai · 02/12/2015 00:50

he''s your son and you are ok with bf refusing to pu in the rain late at night? He'll always be your son -you made him . BF -? here today -gone tomorrow.

PoorFannyRobin · 02/12/2015 05:35

I'd have picked him up. In fact, I did pick two up until they had licenses and available (mine and then their own) vehicles.

tobysmum77 · 02/12/2015 05:39

There was a bus in 20 minutes. poor lad lmao.

Mistigri · 02/12/2015 05:43

I know British teenagers have very light timetables compared to my own experience in Frenc schools, but not home until 11pm on a school night - really?

I think I would have fetched him, personally. And I'm not a soft touch.

Eva50 · 02/12/2015 05:52

I collect ds2 (18) if he is working until 9PM or 10PM at this time of year. If he is finishing earlier he walks. However he will pop out to the shops for me if I need something, watch his little brother for me and supervise his music practice etc, so it works both ways.

ArmchairTraveller · 02/12/2015 05:55

Yes, I'd have picked mine up and often do at that time. he needs to get into the rhythm of being organised in time so that he's not late. Likewise, he'll be tired for the first couple of weeks as he adjusts to the job.
But presumably the problem of getting home will be there every time he works as the bus runs to the timetable? Is a pushbike an option?

LineyReborn · 02/12/2015 06:12

I think I'm very lucky in that that's a £3 minicab ride where I am - often the same price as an adult fare on the bus or train (which a 17 year old has to pay).

I'm guessing this isn't the case for the OP and many others.

Don't get me going on the whole coat thing.

greenfolder · 02/12/2015 06:27

Well, what you are really asking is "is it unreasonable of my Bf not to pick up my 17 year old from work at 10.30 at night." That is a different question. It is unreasonable to expect someone unrelated to shift themselves at thar time of night presumably after a long day themselves. As a mother I probably would but the person being asked to do it is not his parent. As the op doesn't drive she has no ability to prevent her son getting the bus or walking. Presumably Bf has taken the view that saying no every so often is no bad thing.

DanishBlue · 02/12/2015 06:41

I also think your BF was mean. A 25 minute walk is what my DS had to/from work when he was a student working at Tesco, he often did late finishes. In the car this was literally a 3-4 minute drive, ten minutes out of my life to pick him up and get him home. I usually came in my pjs but I think it was tight to say no. You are a family and families do things for each other.

Roll on 3 years my DS is 21, has a job and a car and has often picked me up 12 miles away at midnight after a nice meal and a few too many vinos with friends.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 02/12/2015 06:45

My mum picked me up from work in winter if it was after about 9pm. Earlier, and I walked. But that's because I couldn't walk home along main roads and a girl was mugged on my route home.

I think at 17 he should be capable of waiting for the bus and if that had been an option for me, I'd never have been given a lift. He won't melt if he has to wait twenty minutes.

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