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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to let DS (17) make his own way home from work?

214 replies

VelvetSpoon · 01/12/2015 23:09

My DS1 has just started a part time job, working 10 hours a week. Tonight he was working til 10.30.

DS phoned and asked for a lift, as the bus wasn't coming for 20-25 mins (it's a 25 min walk home, or 2 mins on bus and a 10 min walk), and it was raining and he only had a thin, non waterproof coat, so didn't want to walk.

My bf (who would have to have gone and got him) said no, as earlier we'd had to give DS a lift to work as otherwise he'd have been late (no reason, he was just faffing about).

I agreed with this, especially as DS had already had a lift today...but equally he's still not home and has to be up at 6.30 tomorrow for school...so was I BU?

OP posts:

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 08:09

I agree with you The FairyCaravan. I can't see what you are teaching. He is working unsociable hours, public transport is tricky and he has school the next day. Plus the fact it is raining and he hasn't had the forethought to be prepared. I prefer mine to learn a bit of kindness and that they will be kind and thoughtful in return.

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 08:12

Do you like waiting at least 20 mins for a bus diddl? I wouldn't - I would set off walking. I would also phone DH for a lift and not expect him to say - 'tough you have had one lift and you should have taken a warm coat and umbrella'!

diddl · 02/12/2015 08:18

Well if I could have been home in the time it would take the bus to arrive then I would have walked home.

The OP couldn't collect herself & her boyfriend had given him a lift once & didn't want to again.

Tbh I do think that that is fair enough.

DoreenLethal · 02/12/2015 08:21

I'd give anyone in my family a life at that time of night in the rain that needed to get up early the next day.

And I am double hard on people. I'd quite like a lift at that time of night in the rain if I had to get up early the next day rather than wait for the bus/walk.

Lets hope he doesn't have the same attitude when the OP needs a lift back from hospital in her old age.

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 02/12/2015 08:22

I don't drive because it's never been essential. Yes it would have made my life easier if I did, but I don't. I took 3 tests at 17/18, failed them all, and since then I've never had money/ time to make it a priority. So DS has grown up without me driving, and had to make his own way everywhere.

My bf isn't mean as such, he'd already dropped DS to work (without which he'd have been late). If he hadn't already done that I expect he'd have been more amenable.

Does he give me lifts? Yes, if he's around - normally we see each other 3-4 days a week- and if it's not out of his way, or obviously if we're going to the same place. I'm pretty used to walking or using public transport though, so it doesn't bother me to do so.

OP posts:

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 08:22

I don't think it would be fair for my DH to simply say he didn't want to pick me up - therefore I do as I would be done by and would give a lift.
Does the bf actually like the DS and have a good relationship with him?

SoupDragon · 02/12/2015 08:22

So why the uproar about him actually being left to get the bus?

Uproar? You've been on MN long enough to know this isn't an uproar :o

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 08:27

SoupDragon

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 02/12/2015 08:28

Oh, and in terms of how he'd get to/ from work, as I said in my OP, it's a 25 min walk (that's at a fairly modest pace - I've walked it much quicker, but factoring in post work tiredness and DS being a dawdler, 25 mins is probably about right) or a short bus journey and walk. He'd always prefer to wait for the bus than walk, even if walking was a bit quicker, so I'd expected he'd probably get the bus home most times.

OP posts:

NoahVale · 02/12/2015 08:29

dh never picked ds up from his pub job, i would, but i dont have a car. he finished at 11.30 and usually walked or his boss would give him a lift.
he has now worked there for 3 years
but there is a bus for op's ds. he could catch it.
what is the point of earning money only to spend it on parents petrol?
i think it is fair enough Not to pick up in this case. 17 year olds need to become resilient. and it wont ruin a relationship.

M48294Y · 02/12/2015 08:32

I wouldn't have been able to pick him up last night as I would have been over the limit to drive.

I'm amazed at the number of Mumsnetters who seem to think that parents should be ferrying 17 year olds around. Just because.

NoahVale · 02/12/2015 08:32

i dont think ds hates his dad because of the lack of lifts. i know dd is scared to ask him for a lift. and when i have a car i do get asked a lot. and it is a pita but we are strapped for cash.

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 02/12/2015 08:35

Bf and DS get on pretty well. Bf does think DS can be lazy - but was impressed he finally got himself this pt job. Hence why he gave him a lift there yesterday so he wouldn't be late!

Bf never got lifts anywhere from his parents growing up despite both having cars (he was working pt from 15, and lived much more rurally than we do, so had to cycle everywhere as there were no buses) and whilst that wouldn't mean he'd never give DS a lift, he does think DS shouldn't rely on getting one (which I agree with).

OP posts:

NoahVale · 02/12/2015 08:37

I agree with your BF OP

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 08:50

Those who can't see why you need to ferry a teenager obviously don't live in a village with the last bus at 5.30! Life was all about ferrying at that age.
No way would I let them cycle down winding country roads after dark.
I wouldn't want them working on a school night, but realise jobs are at a premium and you can't pick and choose, and therefore would falicitate with lifts.

KeepOnMoving1 · 02/12/2015 08:54

Agree with Fairy. Some people are so bloody mean to their kids no wonder they have issues with them as adults.

NoahVale · 02/12/2015 08:57

how do we know our kids will have issues with us as adults?

do you think by driving your kids around will stop them having issues with you once they have left home?

i dont think it works like that.

i dont love my mum more or less for any lifts given or not

Backawaynow2 · 02/12/2015 08:58

I would pick up any friend if thru were at a rain soaked bus stop in Dec.

So of course I would pick up my kids.

Very mean and you reap what you sow. Don't like your bf either.

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 09:01

So would I Backawaynow. If I would pick up DH, my mother, a friend etc etc I don't see why I should treat DS differently! I would feel mean sitting at home in the warm and dry saying 'tough'!

M48294Y · 02/12/2015 09:02

Is it really that uncommon for 17 year olds to go to bed after 10.30pm?

The fact that you live in a village with the last bus at 5.30 is hardly relevant to the op though is it Mehitabel? Her ds had already had one lift to get to work, and there was a bus coming, he just had to wait, to get home.

And we have so many threads on here about young adults who seem incompetent and unable to look after themselves in any way!

KeepOnMoving1 · 02/12/2015 09:02

Well I'm not only speaking about lifts. It's about general mean ways, this being an example.

nokidshere · 02/12/2015 09:21

I would have already been outside waiting for him. My 17 year old is perfectly capable of getting himself anywhere and doesn't ask for lifts on a regular basis. But he is tired. He has started at 7am, done a full day at school, then a shift at work - it's a learning curve for them and they have no idea in the beginning what a commitment it is. They have the next 40 years to perfect it!

So on a cold, wet night in December I would have no problem collecting him (or indeed any of my friends and family) if I am able to.

It just being supportive

NoahVale · 02/12/2015 09:23

it is not really a case of OP being unreasonable.
it is whether her BF should pick up or not.
should she Ask him to pick up her DS.

he made the choice not to.
His call.

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 02/12/2015 09:27

See it would never occur to me to phone anyone for a lift unless it was a much longer journey (ie one I couldn't comfortably walk) and there was no bus coming. In DSs position I'd have just walked, but I'd also have been wearing a warmer coat, with a hood :)

I do a lot for DS. One thing I have never done, or been able to, is give him lifts. I don't think that makes me a bad person nor means we'll have some awful relationship when he's older!

OP posts:

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 09:28

It isn't about bed times! It is about needing to do homework and a long day- school and then a hard shift in the pub.
Great swathes of the country have no public transport. I live in a town now and there is nothing after 7pm.
I call it being supportive.

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