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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let DS (17) make his own way home from work?

214 replies

VelvetSpoon · 01/12/2015 23:09

My DS1 has just started a part time job, working 10 hours a week. Tonight he was working til 10.30.

DS phoned and asked for a lift, as the bus wasn't coming for 20-25 mins (it's a 25 min walk home, or 2 mins on bus and a 10 min walk), and it was raining and he only had a thin, non waterproof coat, so didn't want to walk.

My bf (who would have to have gone and got him) said no, as earlier we'd had to give DS a lift to work as otherwise he'd have been late (no reason, he was just faffing about).

I agreed with this, especially as DS had already had a lift today...but equally he's still not home and has to be up at 6.30 tomorrow for school...so was I BU?

OP posts:
M48294Y · 02/12/2015 09:31

I disagree that the op, or her partner, have been "mean" in this example.

Having a wider discussion about nastiness in parents isn't relevant. This boy could be the most indulged child in the whole of the country for all any of us knows. She was asking about this particular incident.

M48294Y · 02/12/2015 09:32

But what has great swathes of the country having no public transport got to do with it??

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 09:35

The assumption that all 17 yr old should cope with finishing work late.

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 09:35

Not all can.

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 09:37

Admittedly OP's DS could- but I would take the kind option. I treat others as I would like to be treated and a lift would be lovely!

M48294Y · 02/12/2015 09:40

So you think not giving a lift is unkind?

That is what I am having trouble with on this thread. The suggestion that op was "mean", "nasty", "unkind", "uncaring" and some posters have taken it further and hinted that they wouldn't blame the ds if he was not bothered about his parents in the future. That's all a bit much, imo.

NoahVale · 02/12/2015 09:45

I do remember the times I got lifts, I can count them on one hand. and they were for events out of the ordinary.
forgetting your warm coat and having to wait 20 minutes for public transport not being one of them.

Backawaynow2 · 02/12/2015 09:45

But sitting on your arse in the warm while your kid is waiting in a rainy bus stop in December and you basically say no can't be arsed to drive and get you is mean.

Winterisntcoming · 02/12/2015 09:47

I'd pick my children up if they phoned me for a lift. And do
Or my parents, brothers, sisters, friends...

I've told my children if they're ever stuck for a lift phone me.
Any time.

NoahVale · 02/12/2015 09:53

but the op doesnt drive.
it is the op's BF, he was quite within his rights to say No, I took you there!

josephwrightofderby · 02/12/2015 09:53

To be honest, I don't think this is such a big deal, as a question. A short walk in the rain for a healthy teen is not a great hardship. Nor is a lift some Mother Teresa-worthy act of self-sacrifice.

It's just not something to be agonizing over this much - stop beating yourself up!! It's not something to worry about or to compete over.

M48294Y · 02/12/2015 09:58

But I don't think it is mean! It is just life. How many people would you ring for a lift if stuck waiting for a bus in the rain? I could only ring my dh if he happened to be at home that evening (rare) and if he hadn't had a drink! I wouldn't phone anyone else unless it was an absolute emergency - which this clearly wasn't.

ClashOfUsernames · 02/12/2015 10:06

I would be proud that my child had a job as there are so many teens who don't these days. Therefore, I would have gone to pick them up, especially at this time of year.

diddl · 02/12/2015 10:13

I'm sure OP is proud, but she doesn't drive so couldn't pick him up!

I agree with a pp that in an emergency yes, but this wasn't.

stopfaffing · 02/12/2015 10:24

A ridiculous comment to suggest that teaching your grown up children some independence causes them to have "issues" with you in the future. How on earth can they learn to deal with things for themselves if parents hover around them constantly doing for them and fixing problems for them.

Leave your grown up children to learn from their mistakes and grow up.

Anotherusername1 · 02/12/2015 11:19

At that time of night I'd give him a lift.

LineyReborn · 02/12/2015 11:30

Maybe the boyfriend had had a drink. Maybe he's a deranged mean raging wino and his car's a death trap anyway and the OP is a total uncaring meanie who will die alone in a pool of piss. Ffs.

RiverTam · 02/12/2015 11:32

I'm years away from this (and we're in London so free public transport a-go-go for kids) but for those who would always pick up, does that mean you'd never have a drink at home in order to pick up your child?

I'm kind of on the fence about this but I do think some of the responses are daft.

whois · 02/12/2015 11:33

Meh, you lot are such hypocrites. The OP couldn't actually pick her son up because she doesn't drive.

Her boyfriend (not even step dad) didn't want to.

I bet about 2% of you would be against an OP saying 'should I be expected to drive out at 10.30 to pick up my step son because he forgot to take a coat. There is a bus in 25 mins. His dad doesn't drive so he wants me to go but I've already given him a life earlier today because he was going to be late". You would all be like "no, fuck that".

TheFairyCaravan · 02/12/2015 11:57

I don't drink at all, River and DH very, very drinks. If it was night that our kids were working and needed a lift, then no he wouldn't have had a drink. We're not a family who drinks every night, every weekend, or whatever. Never have been, never will be.

Our children haven't been pandered too, and are perfectly able to problem solve, live alone, walk etc. We just treat them how we'd like to be treated. They take DH and I places and pick us up in the early hours if necessary. A few weeks ago DS2 was due to be coming home from uni on the train. He had broken his arm a couple of weeks before, and DS1, who was home on leave, thought it would be difficult for him to manage his bags etc, so volunteered to drive the 2.5 hours to get him.

TheFairyCaravan · 02/12/2015 11:58

DH rarely drinks that should say.

SoupDragon · 02/12/2015 13:19

Meh, you lot are such hypocrites.

I'm not.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 02/12/2015 13:22

I dont have any step kids but if I did, I would pick them up from work, the same as I would for my own dc. 17 is still a kid. Can't see the rush for kids to grow up and be fully independant - there is plenty of time for that.

Mehitabel6 · 02/12/2015 13:27

I wanted my children to always feel that they could ask for a lift if they wanted one. I would hate them to be in a situation where they really needed one and they were scared to ask or didn't want to bother me to ask.

amarmai · 02/12/2015 13:30

BF has the use of you and your son's house and obv feels he is the boss and needs to demonstrate that to you and your son. Maybe you can go with a jacket and meet your son and tell the BSBF to be gone when you 2 get back. Or maybe not -and pretty soon mn will get a post from you whining about your son disrespecting you-what goesaround---