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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be fucking furious at this useless lump

196 replies

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 01/12/2015 22:17

I'm nearly 39 weeks pregnant and in loads of pain with my pelvis back bottom even fairy. I went up to bed at about 6 had a bath and a relax.
I've come downstairs and the kids (11 and nearly 9) are still awake. My daughter hasn't had a bath. He's done nothing. She also hasn't had any tea. He tries to blame her lack of bath on her 'I told her she needed one' and her lack of tea also. 'Well I asked her what she wanted and she didn't reply'
The living room which was immaculate is now an utter shithole. Is it my hormones or is he a bloody useless neglectful father who can't be relied upon?

OP posts:
Lostinland · 02/12/2015 08:59

I agree with Wolfie.wouldnt have taken much to say "DH ,I'm not feeling well and going to bed,would you feed the kids and do bedtime?".its called communication.

maybebabybee · 02/12/2015 09:01

I don't know why people have such high expectations of men

Yes, why would anyone expect a man to look after their children? Hmm

goodnightdarthvader1 · 02/12/2015 09:02

Why the fuck are so many posters completely absolving her DH of responsibility to get his ass off the couch, go upstairs and say "Would you like me to do dinner and bedtime for the kids?"

If my DH wasn't sure he would ask, not sit there glued to the tv until 10pm.

maybebabybee · 02/12/2015 09:03

If my DP couldn't work out for himself that the kids needed feeding/putting to bed at that time of night while I was in pain and 39 weeks pregnant, I'd assume he was a total fucking moron, to put it bluntly.

fuzzywuzzy · 02/12/2015 09:07

I don't get having to spell out to your partner what needs doing. If I'm not well I tell DP I'm going to go lie down/whatever as I'm not well. So far he's managed to feed himself and DC, tidy up and put DC to bed at a good time without me having to itemise each thing in writing.

OP maybe you should hand over the household chores/childcare to your DH more often, he clearly needs to learn how it works.

OnlyLovers · 02/12/2015 09:08

Nope not doing it. The giving clear instructions thing. He is an adult and we are supposed to be equal partners.

OP, you kick arse!

I too am always astounded at posters who come on these kind of threads and say anything other than this. Instructions? Fuck off, he's an adult. Expectations? Fuck off, he has the same 'expectations' on him as his co-parent. No more, no fewer. Let the kids feed themselves? Fuck off, it's his JOB as their parent.

I'd rip my DP a new one if he did something this useless. I'd expect him to rip ME a new one if I did something this useless, too. THAT'S being partners.

whattheseithakasmean · 02/12/2015 09:10

I'm embarrassed for the posters defending the fact their DH needs 'communicated to' before he will do the most obvious domestic task. Really? Do you have to 'communicate' that they need to wipe their arse after having a shit? Do you have to tell them to wash their hand every time? I mean, how else would they know what they needed to do?

His 39 week pregnant wife is upstairs and the manly man is downtairs with their 2 children - and it is her job to have told him to feed and bed them? Are his bollocks preventing him exercising any sort of initiative whatsoever? Un-fucking-believable.

Lostinland · 02/12/2015 09:18

My DH usually does the bedtime.i would be very cross if he just decided to go and relax without even saying anything.if he's ill or has something to do or anything he would tell me"there's a football game tonight,do you mind?"and I wouldn't .not because I need instructions but because he doesn't take much to talk to each other!if one always cooks dinner ,it's not normal to decide to just go write Christmas cards instead and expect the other person to just know it will be 4 hours.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 02/12/2015 09:42

Wolfie don't know why you're getting so defensive. You're the one that keeps trying to excuse this behaviour with the explanation that in your marriage you talk to one another.

You didn't answer my question from upthread though:
So Wolfie are you actually saying if you went out and were unexpectedly detained, if it hadn't been agreed it was 'his' night to do the tea and bedtime, he would flail around and not do it? Ditto for you if the situation were reversed?

You just said you were so said you probably would text him with a list.

You're still making excuses when it's blatantly obvious that a man that has been a father for 11 years+ he should have the brainpower to make dinner and bath the kids, or here's a novel one, maybe he could have shouted up to OP to ask if she was coming down? You won't come out and say it, but it seems to be it's OK for OP to tell her DH but not for her DH to ask her?

Sorry to derail OP. I see he's now shamefacedly trying to make up for it. I'd like to say let's hope it was a one off but from your other posts I think it's probably not Flowers

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/12/2015 09:46

When I was a kid, my Mum got a cleaning job, from 4 to 6. From the age of 11 or so I used to come home from school and make our family dinner. My Dad would come home at 4, get comfy on the sofa with the paper, light up, and wait for me to bring him a cup of tea.

Once I went to tea with a mate and her Dad cooked the dinner. It genuinely blew my mind.

noeffingidea · 02/12/2015 09:53

It wasn't just not looking after his own children. It was also the fact that the OP had tidied the living room and her husband had allowed it to get messy again. That is just being lazy and selfish (actually I would be cross with kids here, as well if they are partly responsible). Even children of that age should tidy up after themselves, never mind adults.
It sounds as if the OP is totally responsible for running the household and the other members of the family just sit back and expect her to wait on them. Not really acceptable in this day.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 02/12/2015 10:05

Lostinland, are you actually serious? OP is heavily pregnant and unwell and went for a rest, she's not watching a football game. So if your OH disappeared you wouldn't go and find them, you'd stubbornly sit on the sofa rather than all of they needed you to do something while they were unwell and wanted rest? Glad I'm not married to you.

petalsandstars · 02/12/2015 10:26

I have stayed in bed with a poorly will only sleep on me baby before and my DH managed without prompting to get the other DC dressed fed and to school. It's called parenting, I don't have someone give me a list why should he need one?

Viviennemary · 02/12/2015 10:32

I think people are missing the point here. Whether or not an adult needs to be told to look after his own children is not the point. OP's husband didn't do what she expected him to do. It isn't helpful to say your DH wouldn't do this. OP's DH didn't shape up. Is this a one-off or is it a long line of selfish unhelpful pathetc behaviour. Because if it is then it is no more than what could be expected on this particular occasion.

ZebraLovesKnitting · 02/12/2015 10:37

I think OP's communication was fine. She told her DH she was in pain and going upstairs. It's not like she just all of a sudden disappeared.

My DH used to be like this. I would have to do everything, and specifically ask/tell him to do things. I ended up getting quite ill, tried to kill myself and ended up in a mental health hospital for 5 months. While I was in hospital it turned out that actually, he could be an adult after all. Because he had no choice.

Flowers to you OP

KakiFruit · 02/12/2015 11:04

I'm embarrassed for the posters defending the fact their DH needs 'communicated to' before he will do the most obvious domestic task.

Me too. I can't imagine a marriage like that and I feel sorry for women in them.

squoosh · 02/12/2015 11:42

'I agree with Wolfie.wouldnt have taken much to say "DH ,I'm not feeling well and going to bed,would you feed the kids and do bedtime?".its called communication.'

Sounds like you need a heck of a lot more communication in your relationship if your husband needs to be told that his children will need to be fed in the evening and later on put to bed.

Original poster
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 02/12/2015 13:13

I know I mean who guessed kids needed food and boundaries. I never did. I need someone to continually tell me this, my mum rings me daily to check they've been fed, watered and have clean clothes, how could I possibly cope otherwise.

OP posts:
TimeToMuskUp · 02/12/2015 13:24

I had surgery last week that means I can't do much about the house and with the DCs. Not once, not for one single moment have I needed to say to DH "Could you feed the children please" or "Could you make sure they go to bed at some point before midnight". And he's what I would consider utterly fucking useless at times; he gets them all riled up at bedtime and fights them when they're about to go out to school and wonders why they're batshit, yet still even he manages to get on with stuff without any form or instruction from me.

I mean, the youngest went to school yesterday with his pyjamas underneath his uniform (his teacher discovered them when he changed himself for PE and popped them into his book bag with a note), but he went to school, he was dressed and fed, they are all surviving. I think if you need to offer up instructions for your other half on how to parent, they probably shouldn't be there doing the job with you.

RaspberryOverload · 02/12/2015 13:48

Are you seriously suggesting that a man who's wife had said she was going for a bath at 6pm would be so stupid as to not know his kids needing feeding and taking to bed once the clock got to 8pm? He knew, he was just waiting for her to come and do it.

And lets not gloss over the fact that if he expected her to have a bath and then come back, lets give her and hour, he didnt fucking check on her when she didnt! She could have had a fit, banged her head, drowned....anything. But nothing, absolutely nothing was important enough for him to drag his sorry arse off the sofa. Not his hungry kids, his tired kids or his pregnant wife.

But hey, she didnt tell him what he should do did she? So its not his fault.

Fuckwit

^This. Totally agree. A bloke who is capable of holding down a job should be capable of seeing to the needs of his children. After all, he's been around all their lives so should have learned something^ by now! Hmm

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 02/12/2015 13:58

I mean, the youngest went to school yesterday with his pyjamas underneath his uniform...

Grin Grin

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/12/2015 15:02

Don't be hard on the poor lamb. After all its not as if the 11 year old has had dinner in the evening many times before... you can't expect a chap to realise that over 4000 previous daily occurances of the same event means that it is a regular thing. Wink.

My DH grew up in a traditional country with more sex segregated roles. Yet he managed to work out for himself that children need feeding and do have to go to bed at a reasonable time. Not only that he he's even discovered how to do those things without my assistance. Shock

AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2015 16:44

It's just amazing to me that so many women on this thread are excusing the DH. A parent should not have to be 'told' to do what is necessary for their children, period. I don't care whose primary job it is on a daily basis. What if OP (God forbid) fell off the face of the Earth tomorrow? Would the aunties and grandmothers have to swoop in to care for his children because he (as a man) isn't capable of knowing what needs doing? Ridiculous!

As a 'reverse', if my DH went up early and left the car out I'd know to put it in, I'd know to take the dog out for a final pee, I'd know to make the coffee and turn on the timer, I'd know to check the locks before I went up, I'd know to top up the pellet stove (all 'his' tasks at our house). All without him having to tell me. And I'll bet that doesn't surprise any of you, including the ones who think the DH should have been 'instructed'.

I gave my DH a synopsis of this thread and he just shook his head and said "That dude is fucking hopeless. Isn't he even smart enough to make a fucking sandwich for his children? How does he keep his fucking job? What a fucking waste of space!"

DH likes saying fuck, a lot. So do I Grin

OnlyLovers · 02/12/2015 16:51

I like the cut of your jib and your DH's, Pond. Grin

mouldycheesefan · 02/12/2015 17:01

PuZzling why anyBody would Have three kids with such a man.