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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fucking furious at this useless lump

196 replies

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 01/12/2015 22:17

I'm nearly 39 weeks pregnant and in loads of pain with my pelvis back bottom even fairy. I went up to bed at about 6 had a bath and a relax.
I've come downstairs and the kids (11 and nearly 9) are still awake. My daughter hasn't had a bath. He's done nothing. She also hasn't had any tea. He tries to blame her lack of bath on her 'I told her she needed one' and her lack of tea also. 'Well I asked her what she wanted and she didn't reply'
The living room which was immaculate is now an utter shithole. Is it my hormones or is he a bloody useless neglectful father who can't be relied upon?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 22:35

Wolfie, has your bloke yet to learn to tell the time ?

Ya know, as the little hand goes round, stuff needs doing.

Senpai · 01/12/2015 22:40

If I told DP I was off for a bath he wouldn't assume I would be out of commission for 4hours!

If he couldn't figure out that at 39 weeks pregnant you would need extra help, he's not exactly marriage material.

My DH has a working brain and when he's with DD he makes sure all her needs are taken care of. That includes feeding her dinner if I wander off and fall asleep, the only time he needs help is if he wants to wake me up and ask me what she had at lunch so he didn't repeat it.

Wolfiefan · 01/12/2015 22:41

I'm a stay at home mum. I only have two school age kids. DH works long and stressful hours. We talk and plan. Who's doing the HW, running kids to lessons and activities, shopping and feeding the cats! He is far from a lazy shit but if I just buggered off then he would flounder. We are a team.
Not sure why I'm justifying my lovely DH and our relationship on here.

alleypalley · 01/12/2015 22:42

Of course you shouldn't have to tell him ffs. I've just had an operation on my foot and so have been unable to do much for the last week or so. Not once have I had to tell my dh to feed the kids. Whilst he's still working ft, & doing most of the housework.

I did wake up at at 10am the other morning though and panic that the dc weren't in school. He just rolled his eyes at me.

Wolfiefan · 01/12/2015 22:42

And yes he can even tell the time
Hmm

Pilgit · 01/12/2015 22:46

YANBU. You shouldn't have to tell him. My DH is nor perfect by any stretch (he really doesn't see mess - really doesn't. He's not just being obtuse and has a volcanic temper) but sees the children as our responsibility. Not his. Not mine.ours. It would never occur to him to not feed them or get them to bed. We are a partnership. That's it. We discussed it last night due to an incident where I work and he was offended that people think I'm lucky to have someone like him as "that's how a real man should be. It's not luck. I have responsibilities. That's it".

I hope this isn't normal and he realises he's not really been responsible enough. Good luck with the baby.

AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 22:47

That's great that you and your H are a team, Wolfie. It works for you that the domestic management is steered by yourself.

But OP is not in a team. And the best you can say is "did you not tell him what he had to do" ?

I would recommend that OP strive for something better though. A bloke that takes equal responsibility for the simple basic care of his kids. Not one who waits to be given instructions as the clock ticks away past a decent bedtime and meal time

my kids would have been wound up to fuck by being let up so late with nothing to eat

Epilepsyhelp · 01/12/2015 22:47

You're justifying him because it sounds pretty odd to other posters that one parent should need to inform the other that dependent children need to be fed and put to bed at a decent time.

He knew they hadn't eaten because he asked dd what she wanted.

He knew it was bedtime simply because it bloody was - hence AF's comment on telling the time I'm guessing.

Your DH may well be absolutely lovely, OPs clearly isn't.

PatrickPolarBear · 01/12/2015 22:48

It's not as if you were on the moon, is it? If he wasn't sure if kids had eaten or needed to get ready for bed, he could have just checked with you quickly. My DH is well able to take care of the kids on his own or with me but if he was confused about anything he would just ask me anyway. Same with me if I take over from him.

The fact that he just ignored the kids for 4 hours is bizarre to me. What was he doing for all that time? What was the 11 year old doing? Was she not hungry and tired, able to get herself a sandwich or something (not that she should have to)?

AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 22:49

and I would bet my house I know who has to deal with over tired and over hungry kids and wrangle them to bed finally

bumpertobumper · 01/12/2015 22:51

What's going to happen when the baby comes? Does he realise he is going to have to do pretty much everything with the older two while you are bed/sofa bound with a new born, and you will need feeding too?
Hope he comes to his senses...

BastardGoDarkly · 01/12/2015 22:51

I'm surprised the kids didn't drive him mad, with the... I'm staaaaarving!? I know my 8 year old would.

Wolfiefan · 01/12/2015 22:51

It just seems like an odd dynamic I guess. If I wasn't there for that long DH, yes kids and even the bloody cats would probably come and check on me.
OP at 39 weeks I would expect DH to do as much as is humanly possible.

MuttonWasAGoose · 01/12/2015 22:52

At 39 weeks, your husband should be doing all of the regular household chores so that you are free to do daft shit like scrubbing the kitchen floors with a brush and washing windows. (That's what I did in my final weeks of my pregnancies. Literally on my hands and knees scrubbing like a maniac.)

It really is annoying as fuck when husbands go all helpless and don't sort out the kids. You wonder how the fuck they'd cope if you were hit by a bus.

You shouldn't have to tell him what to do. But as a compromise calling from bed on your mobile and issuing orders can be effective.

AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 22:53

OP, are the two older kids his ?

Darvany · 01/12/2015 22:53

Shock so that was a serious comment?

The heavily pregnant OP should have reminded / instructed the partner to feed the DC and make sure they were bathed before it was stupidly late?

Really?

Original poster
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 01/12/2015 22:53

I've told him not to bother coming home tomorrow. I don't need his kind of useless existence in my life now or ever.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 22:54

and his reply ?

Original poster
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 01/12/2015 22:55

Yep the older kids are his too.

OP posts:
Epilepsyhelp · 01/12/2015 22:55

That's because yours is nice I guess Wolfie - it would be nice to come and see how you are, ask what needs to be done if he doesn't know. OPs DH just watched the world go by and didn't care. Made a huge mess to go with it too! I couldn't live with that.

mathanxiety · 01/12/2015 22:55

Ah now Wolfie Hmm

Even my exH who is exH for many very good reasons would have cleared up the sitting room or kept it from disintegrating, and would have fed the DCs something.

OP your H is a waste of space. He should have made an executive decision about tea and he should not have let the sitting room become a shambles.

However, your DD is old enough to understand that she takes a bath or shower every evening at a certain time, and to do it without being wrangled into the bathroom. I would want to know what was keeping her from getting washed.

Original poster
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 01/12/2015 22:55

He just looked at me with his face like a ruptured spleen

OP posts:
ruthsmumkath · 01/12/2015 22:58

Sorry you are angry. I'm in a relationship (happy too) like Wolfie - DH had to be told by me to feed DC's when I was in labour.

My eldest two are your kids ages though and I would have them cook themselves a snack and bath and put themselves to bed. Will come in handy when you've baby....

AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 22:59

maybe the kids could be taught to wait on their dad hand and foot ?

Gramgram · 01/12/2015 23:00

Op you sound as if you have been really busy all day, so very entitled to a rest. As you have been so active are you sure you are not in the early stages of labour?

Take it easy.