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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fucking furious at this useless lump

196 replies

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 01/12/2015 22:17

I'm nearly 39 weeks pregnant and in loads of pain with my pelvis back bottom even fairy. I went up to bed at about 6 had a bath and a relax.
I've come downstairs and the kids (11 and nearly 9) are still awake. My daughter hasn't had a bath. He's done nothing. She also hasn't had any tea. He tries to blame her lack of bath on her 'I told her she needed one' and her lack of tea also. 'Well I asked her what she wanted and she didn't reply'
The living room which was immaculate is now an utter shithole. Is it my hormones or is he a bloody useless neglectful father who can't be relied upon?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2015 01:04

If I had gone up for a shower and an hour later hadn't reappeared my DH would have come up to check on me. At that point if he'd found me in bed he would have asked if I was OK, needed anything AND he would have asked if the kids had had their supper. If I answered 'no' he would have handled it and gotten them to bed.

He certainly wouldn't have sat on his arse doing God knows what for 4 hours!

Canyouforgiveher · 02/12/2015 01:06

So wolfiie if the DH had gone off for a bath and to bed because he was sick and tired and sore for some reason, you'd think it ok for the kids not to be fed or told to go to bed because he hadn't issued instructions to his wife before he went up?

No you don't. you only think that works for women - not men.

The op's husband is a lazy man. But maybe it is a one-off or he will learn from this experience. who knows?

But this isn't a failure of communication. Wolfie your own system of checking in each day about what each of you will do works for you but presumably you both have the sense and initiative to actually do what needs doing for your children without getting instructions/check ins from the other parent. Still I couldn't imagine your system - exhausting. We both do what needs to be done. I work less than dh so I do more childcare but if I thought that meant I had to specify "feed children/take dog for a walk/etc" if I was out of action i would seriously wonder about his intelligence.

Viviennemary · 02/12/2015 01:07

Because he didn't do it. That is why he has to be told. Why he didn't do it might be a mystery but the fact remains that he didn't. I agree he was waiting for OP to come and do it. But she didn't so it didn't get done. There is a lesson there somewhere.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 02/12/2015 01:09

Yes indeed Gladys- WTF was he doing? Did he not think to go and check on his heavily pregnant wife who was in pain upstairs? "You all right dear, not in labour are you? These children-things down here, what shall I do with them? They've not eaten, don't want a bath and are still awake" Wink

He's a total lump OP.

If OP dumped him, he's probably the type that goes to F4J and moans about the courts favouring the mum - but can't even be arsed to feed them when he's living with them.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 02/12/2015 01:18

Viviennemary

You are still around yet seem to have missed this, so I will ask again...

I would like you to explain why a man needs to be told that the kids that he helped create and has lived with for many years, needs to be told that they need feeding and taking to bed.

Genuinely confused about this! Surely NT non abusive adult knows that kids need food and sleep, its hardly rocket science.

Does your husband really not get this, about his own kids?

What would happen if you became ill tonight and had to spend a month in hospital (I hope it doesnt, just an example), then what would happen if you were not in a position to tell him? Would the kids go a month without food, clean clothes, a bath, sleep? Seriously, what do you think would happen?

mathanxiety · 02/12/2015 01:20

I don't know why people have such high expectations of men.

Viviennemary, are you serious?

Poor diddums, had to work all day. Didn't feel like supervising children when he came home. Didn't have crippling pain in his pelvis, back and bottom though.

The man has been a parent for at least 11 years. Why does he have to be told what is expected when it comes to basics like feeding his children their evening meal, making sure they are washing, and keeping a sitting room that was clean when he sat down in it in the same condition four hours later? He wasn't out digging pits for woolly mammoths.

Men who hold down responsible jobs that they are good at for 29 years are not 'clueless'. They are lazy and chauvinistic to the point where they do not notice or care about the amount of work their wives put in to keep the home running. Many assume meals and laundry just appear. Even among those who do realise it requires actual work don't understand the amount of mental work that goes into housework - so he made no decision about what he would cook for dinner; he left it to the shrugging 11 year old to decide and when she was mute he took the path of least resistance.

Many assume that because it's something women do it couldn't possibly require any thought, and they believe the whole business is so far beneath them that it couldn't possibly be worth their attention. Same goes for the many problems women have during pregnancy - so it didn't occur to him that the sitting room was in top condition at a cost to Sharonthewasp and presumably it didn't occur to him that she would end up in pain again trying to clear up the mess he and the children made.

Many are also cute enough to realise that if they seem helpless and 'clueless' enough it will seem like too much work to get them to do it.

It is all massively disrespectful towards women.

OP, When you find yourself in the position of trying to teach a grown adult to be normal, you are fighting a battle that may not be worth winning.

MistressDeeCee · 02/12/2015 01:36

Didnt he even pop upstairs in 4 hours to check you were ok? Instead just parked his arse on the sofa for ages letting the DCs run around?

Im tired just thinking about all that..as to posters who think he should be told! Is initiative a dirty word to you? You know..DW is resting you see and know what needs to be done,so - you just do it. Simple. Not just wait until she gets up to do it all which is what I suspect he was doing.

The DCs are old enough to sort themselves out of course, but if dad's parked on sofa lounging around and allowing them to be up late etc, then - why exactly would they? Its as if the better, reasonable behaviour is expected from the children but not the can't be asked adult in the room they can clearly see is being idle

Im not even going to get into the smug " my lovely DH" I saw upthread somewhere since its irrelevant to this situation anyway

OP you in no way sound like a doormat so I reckon you'll set some ground rules and hopefully all will be well from then, because with 2 DCs & a newborn you'll be spitting mad if he doesnt get himself into gear.

I want to find a way to get "useless, sofa dwelling lump" into a sentence this week Grin . Not laughing at your situation at all tho, just found that sentence funny

milaforni · 02/12/2015 03:52

My husband was raised in an old fashioned Italian family where the women take care of the children. I was a SAHM. At no time did he ever not help me when I needed help, was tired, etc.
He is a man, not a little boy who had to be told. He worked long hard hours and was exhausted when he came home. But if anything at all needed doing, he was there for any of us. (6 kids)
This is what adulthood entails. This is what marriage and parenthood means.
Your husband should be ashamed for not checking on you and then with you as to what needed to be done. And I'm not talking about just the kids. I talking about household chores, getting things ready for tomorrow etc.
You have every right to be hurt and really really angry.
I'm hoping he shapes up!!!
Kind thoughts to you on your upcoming delivery.

Senpai · 02/12/2015 04:06

clit shriveller.

Grin I shall hang onto this to use in a sentence in the future.

Homebird8 · 02/12/2015 04:27

clit shriveller Grin I shall hang onto this to use in a sentence in the future.

Me too, and the OP's comment about a face like a ruptured spleen Grin

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/12/2015 04:28

I worked a 13 hour day today. Do I get to magically forget how to parent my child now? Shit, no penis, I still have to get on with crap.

Fortunately DH is clearly a women because after DH working all day, DD is fed, bathed and asleep.

kungpopanda · 02/12/2015 05:03

Why the OP is having yet another child with this partner is beyond me. Sympathy somewhat limited.

Is tonight the first time ever he has defaulted to 'useless'?

Janeymoo50 · 02/12/2015 05:58

Another useless Dad bashing thread I see. Does he do it often or was last night a bad night, yes he was an arse but hey, nobody is perfect.

Original poster
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 02/12/2015 07:04

Our third child wasn't planned. And quite a 'miracle' as much as I hate that term Kung. Would I get rid of him? No chance. DH- yes.
He's come upstairs with a coffee for me and got the kids up and is doing breakfast

OP posts:
ThreeRuddyTubs · 02/12/2015 07:08

People saying that the kids could have sorted themselves out with dinner...yes they probably are old enough but why on earth should they have to when their lazy feckless father is just sitting on the sofa?

kungpopanda · 02/12/2015 07:15

Wishing you well for the birth and with the small one, sharonthew&etc, and I hope all settles down as you would wish.

Original poster
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 02/12/2015 07:20

Thank you, its the big kid I need luck with though at the moment but he knows where he stands now in no uncertain terms

OP posts:
MargotLovedTom · 02/12/2015 07:24

Yep, your husband has definitely been a shitbag. On a different note, how on earth have you managed to train your DC to leave you alone for 4 hours Wink?

If I'm unwell, say with hideous period pain, and I go for a lie down I generally get - oooh twenty minutes - before a little face peeps around the door wanting to just "quickly tell me/ show me something" (even though they're 11, 9 and 7 and are under strict instructions from DH to give me a bit of p & q).

Hope you get this sorted out and feel better soon OP.

Wolfiefan · 02/12/2015 07:44

Still being accused this morning I see.

DH got up early. So did youngest DC. So he fed her. He then brought me tea in bed and let me know she had eaten but wasn't dressed yet. No rush it is early.
We talk. We share parenting.
But if I went up to bed at 6 tonight he would probably assume I had fed the kids already. (We eat early due to young DC's) He would pop up and see if I was ok. At that point he would probably ask what I wanted him to do. Eg have they done all HW. Does anyone need a bath?
Not all men are lazy arseholes. I wouldn't be married to mine if he was. OP I'm sorry if yours is.

AnyFucker · 02/12/2015 07:54

We get it Wolfie

Your husband is fabulous

Your marriage is fabulous

But this isn't about your husband, your marriage or you

PegsPigs · 02/12/2015 07:56

It doesn't take 2 parents to get kids fed and bathed (look how well single parents manage). So if one is upstairs the other should be downstairs doing the things that need doing. He obviously realised they needed doing because he said he told her she needed a bath and he asked her what she wanted for dinner. Just sounds like he's lazy to me. Couldn't be bothered to follow through with the tasks. OP wasn't just 'relaxing' for 4 hours, although she's perfectly entitled to at 39 weeks pregnant. She was creating a human being and looking after their 3rd DC so he should have been looking after 1 & 2.

onecurrantbun1 · 02/12/2015 08:17

Gosh Wolfie you've really got a flaming here! It's a similar dynamic in our house, I'd say to DH "I'm off for a nap / bath" and he'd say "Do you want me to feed / bath / get kids to ed?" Mostly because we are adults who chat to each other, it'd be no biggie but he'd come and check on me periodically too. I would like to think he'd have been proactive if I was fast asleep but I would try to warn him if I was going to be out of action for a while.

I am amazed that your year 4 and year 6 (?) children went hungry and didn't wake you up OP! YANBU tp be irritated but I'd probably be a bit Hmm with the lot of them! Hope you got some sleep and are feeling physically a bit better today.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 02/12/2015 08:35

OP -

So he does have half a brain cell capable of working out that children need feeding/sleeping. It's just that he won't bother being a parent if he thinks he can get away with it.

Still not great....

Better, but not great.

Imagine if you have to go through this shitty cycle every few weeks. God it sounds exhausting just thinking about it.

amysmummy12345 · 02/12/2015 08:36

I'm with you Wolfie 😊 my fil and mil have said to me and dh from day one when we got married that talking, planning and working together is the way for a relationship to not only work, but to thrive... I'm amazed at the amount of threads on MN that start with "I'm fuming about dh doing/not doing...... What should I say/do?" If you can't discuss these things first hand with your partner/husband I think that in itself speaks volumes about the dynamics of the relationship...

BitOutOfPractice · 02/12/2015 08:39

Oh god Wolfie give it a fucking rest.

It should be taken as read that, when the OP is in pain, in bed, at 39 weeks pregnant, that she will not be getting up to put herself in more pain to do perfectly obvious stuff that her DH is perfectly capable of doing. Why do you need to talk about that? It's as plain as the nose on anyone's face that he should have just done these things as a matter of course.

Good for you that your DH does as he's told when he's told.

Most adults don't and shouldn't need telling this stuff