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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be fucking furious at this useless lump

196 replies

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 01/12/2015 22:17

I'm nearly 39 weeks pregnant and in loads of pain with my pelvis back bottom even fairy. I went up to bed at about 6 had a bath and a relax.
I've come downstairs and the kids (11 and nearly 9) are still awake. My daughter hasn't had a bath. He's done nothing. She also hasn't had any tea. He tries to blame her lack of bath on her 'I told her she needed one' and her lack of tea also. 'Well I asked her what she wanted and she didn't reply'
The living room which was immaculate is now an utter shithole. Is it my hormones or is he a bloody useless neglectful father who can't be relied upon?

OP posts:
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 01/12/2015 23:00

Yes they are old enough to do that. But they don't need a useless sofa dwelling lump sat in the corner whilst they do it.

OP posts:
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 01/12/2015 23:02

Lol sadly (or luckily) I think baby takes after his father I.e no rush to come along

OP posts:
PinkSquash · 01/12/2015 23:03

Bully for those who love manchildren, but the OP doesn't like it.

A grown adult, who is able to function in society shouldn't need telling to do anything to do with his children.

Wolfiefan · 01/12/2015 23:03

You are clearly angry but he doesn't seem to understand why. How involved is he normally with the kids?

Theoretician · 01/12/2015 23:06

My 5 year-old would tell me if she were hungry. And if I were in the shower, she'd make herself a sandwich. (Which would involve hauling a stepladder into the kitchen so she could reach the shelves.) So I'm a bit bemused that in other people's worlds 9 and 11-year-olds go hungry when not offered food by an adult in the same room.

Although she usually sleeps between 9 and 10, there would be no ill-effects from staying up until 10, either at the time or the next day. I realise I'm just boasting now. Smile

HolgerDanske · 01/12/2015 23:07

God some men just have it fucking made, don't they!

did you tell him he needed to feed and care for his own children ffs.

AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 23:08

yes, Theoretician and smug

RB68 · 01/12/2015 23:09

to be honest women are their own worst enemies - if they do stuff its criticised if they don't they are useless - we make a rod for our own backs - if they are used to you just sorting it then that is what happens.

I would have just announced, right kids/DH 10 minutes whip round and tidy up and kinds straight up to bed after (forget baths not really necessary every single day anyway and if nec can shower in am). I would also switch TV off and supervise rather than me doing it. I would also take opportunity to remind them that once this baby arrives you expect a bit more responsibility to be taken by others and if OH moans about being treated like a child I would be saying well show me you are not acting like one and I will treat you like an adult.

But yes would be majorly pissed off with them

ClearEyesFullHearts · 01/12/2015 23:09

OP, what the hell was he doing for four hours on the sofa?!

NotWeavingButDarning · 01/12/2015 23:10

Yanbu. He is an adult with (presumably) an adequately functional brain. Do you need to tell him to get out of bed in the morning and get himself dressed for work as well?

Ffs, you poor woman. I'd be So. Pissed. Off.

QueenArseClangers · 01/12/2015 23:11

You poor love.

Is your DH away often? Does he use the excuse that he's normally not home every night so therefore doesn't know the oh so complicated routine of feed/wash/bed?
Do hope he shapes his arse and you get to rest Flowers

Epilepsyhelp · 01/12/2015 23:12

How could he not know why she's pissed off?!?!?!? It's way past the kids bedtime they're still up and unfed and the house is a tip!!

He's an absolute joke.

ohtheholidays · 01/12/2015 23:12

Not your hormones no he is being a fucking twat!

Do you have SPD(symphysis pubis dysfunction)I had that with my 4th and 5th pregnancy it was bloody agony.

Has he always been like that?If so I'm not surprised you've had enough,if he's just started acting like this since you fell pregnant then he has the worst timing possible and needs a good quick up the arse.

I hope your pains eased of now Flowers

wotoodoo · 01/12/2015 23:12

It sounds as if your family needs a meeting around the kitchen table! All household tasks need to be divided up and every family member needs an active role.

Unless your family pulls together as a team how is it going to work in the long term?

Anyway op, you sound as if you are in a lot of pain and mixed with anger that is not a good combo.

So I suggest you take as much rest as you need, basically take yourself out of the equation. If your partner is useless that means disempowered! So give him an ultimatum, if he is in then he needs to take the responsibility, tell him he needs to sort out the household with your dc's help.

Try not to be too judgemental in the interim as they all get used to the new routine!

There is no reason a 9 or 11 yo cannot run a bath or fix beans on toast or put the laundry in! It sounds as if they all need to learn responsibility!

Put your feet up and let them bring you cups of tea and get your sense of humour back instead of getting angry. They'll need positive encouragement instead of a bollocking in this seachange in their lives.Smile

HolgerDanske · 01/12/2015 23:13

Since he's so crap at understanding the complexities of looking after his children, he can practise every night until he gets it right. Without your help, to ensure he's actually making the connections himself.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 01/12/2015 23:13

But then again that's me being the nagging authoritarian having to instruct others including a grown up who somehow has managed to hold down a job for the past 29 years and is by all accounts very capable at it.
I don't want to sound offensive but sometimes he gets on with things and others (when I need him to be strong the most ironically) he just appears like something isn't wired up in his head right

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 01/12/2015 23:13

I don't work outside the house. DH does.
Funnily enough he kind of expects me to do most of the chores and feed the kids.
He's lying in bed next to me now telling me his plans have changed, he needs to go to work early but he will bring me a tea in bed. Bless.

I am not married to a manchild. I don't think IABU to expect two adults to have a conversation if the daily routine needs to change.

OP needs help. If he's not offering then ask/ tell him.

And for all the posters slagging off my life/attitude/DH/marriage please kindly do one.

Viviennemary · 01/12/2015 23:14

If he's been at work all day he probably doesn't feel like supervising children. I think those children are old enough to sort themselves out and get ready for bed. He should have made sure they had something to eat though. It all sounds a bit fraught. I don't know why people have such high expectations of men.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 01/12/2015 23:17

High expectations? To parent your kids?
Jeez. DH well done on finding the initiative to create a mumsnet account!

OP posts:
Darvany · 01/12/2015 23:20

If he's been at work all day he probably doesn't feel like supervising children

Maybe not, but adults generally just, y'know, do it.

I don't know why people have such high expectations of men

Because some people are not sexist HTH.

AliceInUnderpants · 01/12/2015 23:21

What time did he get home from work? Do you normally sort out the kids' tea? Maybe he thought they'd have already eaten, since it was 6 before you went upstairs?

He does sound like a useless twat, though

Katarzyna79 · 01/12/2015 23:22

I must be the only one thinking wolfie got cornered by everyone. I know some men need telling it doesn't mean they're bad people, maybe they like to do the least possible or just clueless and need steering. I know my bil will do nothing unless my sister gives him clear instructions, and even then he may not do it to my sisters standards lol

my husband will try and squirm out of stuff like this, but if I disappeared and he saw me asleep he would automatically feed the kids and put them to bed. So my bil wouldn't. He wouldn't see the big deal in children going to bed a bit late, or eating late, unless his wife pointed it out to him.

You have every right to be angry OP I think I would have been because I know my husband is capable, but if your partner doesn't usually do it and is a bit clueless like my bil then try to overlook the lateness. It won't do the kids much harm, they were hungry so they will gobble down their food, and not mess around. They may be tired tomorrow but after that they will be right as rain.

Leave your partner clear instructions especially since you are expecting any day now and have pelvic pains. I had spd with all my kids I was literally limping and could go no further than a few yards down the road on foot without sitting down constantly. I was sleeping on the floor to reduce pain, so I know your burdens, of course I wont know "exactly" how you feel that's subjective. Do as little as possible I think you did too many tasks during the day, do whatever shopping necessary online I always do regardless of pregnancy, reduce your burdens. Take care of number 1 because I personally think no one will care about you more than yourself, not even a very loving husband or child. I am trying to be selfish try it yourself it'll do you a world of good. I wish you the best keep us posted on the new arrival!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 01/12/2015 23:24

Oh give over viv. Would you say the same thing about a woman who had been at work all day?

Because you know what, I work, DH doesn't. I came home today to find him ill on the couch - true he's not pregnant but he still felt like shit and took himself to bed.

So I fed and watered the kids and put them the bed. Not sure why that wouldn't seem to be second nature to any NT adult?

BastardGoDarkly · 01/12/2015 23:25

Making your kids a quick tea and telling then to go to bed, is a high expectation on which planet?!

MagersfonteinLugg · 01/12/2015 23:26

I had a charmer just like this one. I had to leave him instructions on how to boil spaghetti.
I eventually left him because, although I only recalled giving birth to 3 children, I seemed to have ended up looking after 4 children.
I remember the first week after we split.....the DCs came back to mine starving, filthy and very tired as EX hadn't realised that he had to feed, bathe and put them to bed because his 'housekeeper'(ME) had moved ou.
Your DH needs to get his shit together WITHOUT you giving him instructions as he is not your child so should be able to think for himself.