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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fucking furious at this useless lump

196 replies

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 01/12/2015 22:17

I'm nearly 39 weeks pregnant and in loads of pain with my pelvis back bottom even fairy. I went up to bed at about 6 had a bath and a relax.
I've come downstairs and the kids (11 and nearly 9) are still awake. My daughter hasn't had a bath. He's done nothing. She also hasn't had any tea. He tries to blame her lack of bath on her 'I told her she needed one' and her lack of tea also. 'Well I asked her what she wanted and she didn't reply'
The living room which was immaculate is now an utter shithole. Is it my hormones or is he a bloody useless neglectful father who can't be relied upon?

OP posts:
WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 01/12/2015 23:54

If he's been at work all day he probably doesn't feel like supervising children

After supervising children all day I don't much feel like supervising children all evening. But when you have children you have to supervise children.
What would you suggest when both parents work full time and don't fancy supervising children after being at work all day?

ShebaShimmyShake · 01/12/2015 23:54

Nice troll, Viv.

QueenArseClangers · 01/12/2015 23:59

A man who doesn't share parenting/shitwork and comes across all helpless is a proper clit shriveller.

JassyRadlett · 02/12/2015 00:04

If he's been at work all day he probably doesn't feel like supervising children.

Somewhat amazingly, both DH and I manage to do the whole parenting lark after being at work all day. I must organise medals for us.

Why do people have kids if they aren't prepared to do the inconvenient bits?

I don't know why people have such high expectations of men.

What, being halfway competent parents to their kids?

I like threads like this because it makes me grateful that I married a functional human being who's progressed beyond the Neolithic dynamic a little.

OP, YANBU. A million times. When I was pregnant I'd sometimes lie down early evening while DH played with DS and not wake up for hours. Amazingly DH managed to have him safely in bed not just once but every time. Plus sometimes when I was awake, because parenting is a shared thing round these parts.

Jollyjogger · 02/12/2015 00:05

Wolfie. The set up you describe is the same as ours. However during late pregnancy, or when puking guts up, or post op or after an extremely wakeful night, my partner will generally step up to the mark without prompting.

Team work doesn't necessarily mean that everyone does chores at the same time. OP had done tons already!

Also I'm sure OP's discomfort/pain/exhaustion isn't a new thing this evening, her partner will already know about her general state and should be supporting her because he cares.

FrustratedStepMum · 02/12/2015 00:06

Lazy bastard needs a kick up the arse!!Hmm

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 02/12/2015 00:09

I don't know why people have such high expectations of men

Fuck that! I wonder why some people have such low expectations.

I presume he knows how to breathe or does he need help with that too?

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 02/12/2015 00:12

Wolfie what you dont seem to get is that while the traditional 1950's wifework set up works for you, it doesnt work for everyone. It is crashingly arrogant to assume that it does and therefore "advise" accordingly.

Your initial comment was either deliberately inflammatory or just plain dumb. You can choose which you would prefer.

Canyouforgiveher · 02/12/2015 00:15

You were upstairs relaxing from 6-10?! hmm
Did you tell him you wanted him to feed the kids and get them to bed?

At least you know what your husband was doing all evening -he was on MN and still is.

Wolfiefan · 02/12/2015 00:26

I'm far from a traditional 1950's wife thank you. I wasn't advising OP to don a pinny and get her husband his pipe and slippers.

Seriously does no one on here talk to their partners?

Surely letting them know you feel shit and are off to bed is preferable to getting up 4 hours later, still feeling shit and finding you have the kids to see to as well.

I expect DH to pull his weight. He does.

And dumb? No. Inflammatory? No. Confused by the LTB comments? A little!

Viviennemary · 02/12/2015 00:29

Well what's the answer then. Leave or nag. Or just expect things to be done. Some people will do as little as they can get away with. I think he should have been told what was expected. That is make kids tea and make sure kids have bath. It is annoying but nobody's perfect.

Epilepsyhelp · 02/12/2015 00:30

You're conflating OPs DH and yours Wolfie. They sound completely different. You and your DH are a team, OP has a selfish thoughtless dead weight on her hands.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 02/12/2015 00:31

You answered first on this thread.

You asked if she has asked him to get the kids fed and to bed, implying that he needed to be told.

I treat my husband with more respect than to assume he needs to be told that children need to be fed and taken to bed. I assume that he isnt, in fact, an idiot who needs it spelled out.

If I feel ill and say to my husband "I going to bed for a bit, I feel rotten", then that is all I need to say. I have always assumed that that is all I need to say. Never ever have my children not been fed and taken to bed.

Because I dont assume that my husband is a fuckwit who needs a list. If he was, he would have been given his marching orders long since.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 02/12/2015 00:31

That was in reply to wolfie saying *
And dumb? No. Inflammatory? No. Confused by the LTB comments? A little!*

Epilepsyhelp · 02/12/2015 00:31

he should have been told what was expected why?!? For the love of God why?! How can it be that he could not see it for himself or should not be expected to see it?!?

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 02/12/2015 00:35

Viviennemary

I would like you to explain why a man needs to be told that the kids that he helped create and has lived with for many years, needs to be told that they need feeding and taking to bed.

Genuinely confused about this! Surely NT non abusive adult knows that kids need food and sleep, its hardly rocket science.

Does your husband really not get this, about his own kids?

What would happen if you became ill tonight and had to spend a month in hospital (I hope it doesnt, just an example), then what would happen if you were not in a position to tell him? Would the kids go a month without food, clean clothes, a bath, sleep? Seriously, what do you think would happen?

MrsJuice · 02/12/2015 00:35

Viv,
You'll be everso proud of me (twirls).
My ex husband was a lazy cunt. He asked me what was expected of him, so I told him to FUCK OFF.
He knew what was expected, and henceforth was able to formulate an appropriate plan of action, like in the 1940s.
Off he verily fucked, and we all lived happily ever after.

Is that what you meant?

Wolfiefan · 02/12/2015 00:40

The OP didn't say she told her husband she felt rotten and was off to bed.
The original post said went for a bath. Relaxed for a bit. Four hours later the kids aren't fed or in bed.
Nowhere was there any communication. There seemed to be an assumption that he would realise she wasn't going to be back soon, the kids hadn't been fed and weren't going to get themselves to bed.
Rather fed up of the shitty attitudes here that seem to suggest I'm a 50's doormat who's defending a useless misogynist husband.
Night night.

BlackeyedSusan · 02/12/2015 00:42

oh goodness, I had one who forgot to feed the kids. and made two meals when there were three people in the house but obviously only the two tallest needed feeding. he was flummoxed by the numbers on the video too. no concept that kids need feeding and putting to bed. teeth cleaning was too difficult so he did not do it until I found out about it. (was breast feeding the other one at the time.)

note the had. life is easier without. doing everything because he is not here is much better than being resentful that he is not pulling his weight around the house and is making things more difficult.

VeganCow · 02/12/2015 00:42

The kind of women who say their husbands need clear instructions to look after their own children, are also the ones that 'ask' these men to 'babysit' said children if they want to go out.

VeganCow · 02/12/2015 00:44

Wolfie I know what you meant, we dont all think that.

BagelSuffragette · 02/12/2015 00:51

Wolfie I was confused about some people's comments to you.

Perfectly natural to actually converse/discuss/plan stuff with OH. That's 99% of marriage, when you have kids, isn't it?

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 02/12/2015 00:59

There seemed to be an assumption that he would realise she wasn't going to be back soon, the kids hadn't been fed and weren't going to get themselves to bed.

Oh fuck off!

Are you seriously suggesting that a man who's wife had said she was going for a bath at 6pm would be so stupid as to not know his kids needing feeding and taking to bed once the clock got to 8pm? He knew, he was just waiting for her to come and do it.

And lets not gloss over the fact that if he expected her to have a bath and then come back, lets give her and hour, he didnt fucking check on her when she didnt! She could have had a fit, banged her head, drowned....anything. But nothing, absolutely nothing was important enough for him to drag his sorry arse off the sofa. Not his hungry kids, his tired kids or his pregnant wife.

But hey, she didnt tell him what he should do did she? So its not his fault.

Fuckwit

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 02/12/2015 01:01

Of course it's perfectly natural to converse etc with DH - but are you seriously trying to tell me, Wolfie, that if you were taken ill, and took to your bed without giving your DH specific instructions, he would not know to feed his own children? Or get them to bed?

He's their father FFS. There is just no excuse.

ChutneyRhodrey · 02/12/2015 01:02

I'm baffled as to why anyone would think their DH needs to be told how to parent in their absence. Is it not a joint responsibility?

Earlier today I went upstairs to change and got distracted for about 20 minutes. I came back downstairs to find DP feeding DS his lunch. Should I go out of my way and praise him for doing so without my say so? Perhaps pat his head and offer him a tripe stick?