To think traditions should be allowed to develop naturally

[Daisysbear]

as opposed to being force fed. I just see posts on here going 'no, no. MIL can't come this Christmas. We want to build our own traditions' 'SIL wants to buy DS an advent calendar but I want it to be my tradition' etc etc and it sounds a bit contrived and planned. Most of our family traditions were things that just happened one year, were repeated the following and before we knew it a new tradition had been created.

AIBU to think that traditions don't usually start out as 'traditions' but gradually become ones?

The problem with grandparents taking over (and the reason some parents fight it) is that it usually is only one side of the family.

We stem from very different cultures and if one set take over the kids would get one set of traditions only, the point is we want to hand over both.

This is of course not at all about a spare advent calendar or stocking, but two parents have two ways of doing things, enough negotiations without the wider family of one side taking over.

lovely not all advent calendars are chocolate?
Really?

I am very aware that not all advent calendars are chocolate thanks. Our advent calendar isn't chocolate (though on the occasional day I will put a chocolate in it).

My comment above however WAS about the chocolate cardboard ones, after it was referenced up thread as being traditional, or part of a tradition. I don't buy them, the DC's grandma does - that is fine with me.

SIL sounds like she has a withered and rotten husk where her heart should be Fleur.

What happens her daughter ditches that family tradition?

We have stockings from when we were children. Stockings from when I was a teenager. Stockings I've made for the children, and this year, mil bought initial stockings from matalan.

My only upset is that I don't have one!

We will just choose to use the one which fits the presents best, as they get older, we will use the smaller ones.

Perhaps this is partly about context, though? Some grandparents are quite overbearing.

It's a very long story but we have a rather difficult relationship with my PILs.

For dc1's 1st Christmas, MIL not only presented us with a really fucking horrible stocking for us to use but an outfit very scratchy and highly flammable to be worn by dc1 on Christmas Day. Oh and a chocolate advent calendar for our 5mo PFB too

Maybe one of those things would have been OK but all three? They were things dh and I wanted to choose together.

Is what true for me, Caprinihahaha, traditions taking small planning? Well yes, not ultra controlling but it does take a little organising.

This Christmas will be my baby's first and obviously she's not getting an advent calendar, or getting a whole lot of anything because she's 6 months old. My dad (and maybe my mum as well, divorced) has bought her a 1st Christmas bauble, I was going to get one but he mentioned he already had. Not a problem, it's a lovely gift.

I'm happy, very much so, to share her with the wider family, but by the same token I think grandparents can step on parents toes and then somehow the parent is the one being unfair/precious. At least that is the impression I've got from MN.

'Perhaps this is partly about context, though? Some grandparents are quite overbearing.'

Yes.

I think it boils down to 'grandparents don't be overbearing, parents don't be overly possessive'.

capri I know, I am just saying why, the ansa being talking and asking, which is what I will be doing.

I hope I can evolve some lovely things to do with my GC, I really do.

As others have said, the 'harm' is when parents don't get to decide what traditions they want to do. If you do'nt care about doing the stockings or advent calendars, then I can see why it's fine if someone else just takes that job off your list of things you don't really want to do. And if you just buy a chocolate calendar, then it really doesn't matter that much who buys it.

But it becomes a problem in situations like in my family, we've always done fabric pockets calendars with treats arriving each night for the next morning - alledgedly from "Father Christmas' Elves" - they have to go check first thing have the elves been... So no, I didn't want DH's family buying card chocolate filled calendars, as that would mean I couldn't carry on my family tradition.

Children don't care, and children won't miss traditions that don't happen because parents don't do them, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't like those traditions if the parents had done them.

And a lot of people saying "let traditions just evolve" - a lot of christmas traditions wouldn't "just happen" if you didn't make them happen. We also have a tradition of going to see Father Christmas then putting up the tree afterwards - this year we're going next Saturday morning, I had to book that in September - all the FC slots sold out round here before October.

We have a tradition of going ot the carol service on Christmas eve because I've made everyone go, and now it's what we do on Christmas eve.

DH's family have a tradition of buzz fizz, smoked salmon and scambled eggs for Boxing Day breakfast, with crackers. We've made sure we adopted that tradition now even if PIL aren't with us, and now it's become our family tradition. That means I have to make sure I've added extra eggs, smoked salmon and orange juice to the order before Christmas and keep back a bottle of bubbles of some sort.

We don't have a tradition of going ot the Panto as we've managed it one year and I haven't been organised to book tickets in time since. That won't ever turn into a tradition because I can't be arsed. The idea that it could without me or DH making the effort to do so really is proving not to be the case, no matter how much my DCs might like it.

DS is starting a tradition of making a gingerbread house with MIL a few days before Christmas. Happy for her to do that because I couldn't care less about making a ginger bread house.

Great post Dinasour. Your xmas sounds lovely too.

My dm bought nt dc their advent calendars this year and guess what,,, I don't care, the dc don't care that it wasn't me and my dm is happy that she did something for them.

But then I've never been that sort of parent exclamating over firsts.

My dc are 8 and almost 10, our traditions over Christmas evolved naturally apart from our Christmas fairy but even that is what the dc did not me. I just bought it and moved it around at night

'If you do'nt care about doing the stockings or advent calendars, then I can see why it's fine if someone else just takes that job off your list of things you don't really want to do.'

It is possible to have magic fairy dust sprinkled fabric advent calendars and still not get twitchy about grandparents buying chocolate advent calendars you know.

Yes, that's what I was asking. Thanks for explaining.

I'm actually not sure that's quite true for me. I guess the traditions are facilitated - we have the muppets DVD for example - but it's just really stuff we do.
I guess I do spend weeks googling 'Jesus related items' though. That's a search that's hard to take seriously.

I'm not sure there is a group to blame over the infighting though. I suspect it's just the way some people interact.
Of course there will be horrendous mils and that must be very difficult to deal with. I also wonder sometimes where they all come from.

squoosh the same can be said for everything,

If my DD really holds the thought dearly that she wants to do calender's and stockings for her own dc,, what sort of thoughtless knob would it make me, to want to take that away?

There are so many glorious things any GP can do at xmas for their gc!Thats special for them and their GC

It seems that it's not the DCs parents deciding what happens, from many of these posts but just their mothers.

Why don't fathers get a say? Maybe the fathers want some of their family traditions to continue to the next generations but some petulant mothers are stamping their feet and say, "My Christmas, my DCs, I get to decide what happens".

Seems a bit weird and contrived to me.

Okay Drastic you clearly have very ummm, passionate feelings on this matter.

Don't let the fury overtake you!

Mythical that does often seem to be the case, as op's can look so one sided.

Thanks Sqoosh, I just cant imagine turning up with things when dd may want to do them thats all.

Like a bday cake for dgc. I would ask!

who imposes themselves like this!

Squoosh - perfectly possible, but one calendar amongst 3/4/5 isn't going to be anywhere near as 'special' as just one. If you aren't all that fussed about having a special advent calendar tradition, then I can see why you wouldn't care, but if grandparents are buying multiple card chocolate/treat filled calendars, then it pretty much rules out there being a tradition formed around a special calendar, it will never get chance to 'evolve'.

If you don't care about having that as a tradition, it wouldn't matter. If you are trying to carry on a tradition from your own childhood or create a new one, then you might well care.

It's not a matter of 'not caring'.

What has happened to talking To the grand parents?

We have very different traditions in my and DH family. We agreed to what would be our organisation and then had a word with the grand parents. Both sets then talked about what they wanted to do.
No fight and upset.

I love this idea that it has to be obvious for everyone that stockings are coming from FC therefore they have to have to be chosen by the parents.
In some families, FC brings everything. In others, just the stockings. Others again, done stockings and some big presents.
I'm not sure why you would expect your PIL to just know what you want to do. Nor why you would be upset because they have a different way of doing things. Surely, a quick talk and every one is happy?

Mythical - DH has asked for a few of his family traditions to be included, particularly their boxing day breakfasts. He's also started his own with the DCs of making a bauble each year, he takes a day off in the October half term and takes the DCs to a pottery painting place to paint a bauble each.

There's lots of food traditions for his family, although faced with him having to do them, he's happy to just buy it in for some or not bother with others, rather than be like his mum of making stuff for months before hand (and has the good sense not to expect me to do it).

It's also how it's done.
"Would you like me to/would it be alright if/I've seen a lovely... Would you like me to get it?"
Is very different from handing the finished article over.

Not just because you're checking first that it isn't something special to them, but also, if they're happy for granny to do it then you're saving a job.
There are things that I wouldn't mind one iota of asked beforehand. Producing it as a done deal removes the possibility of saying nicely that actually that's something I want to do and make it special, but also I may have spent some time, effort and money in making sure that I've sorted out.

OK Squoosh - not caring, not wanting to, not being bothered, thinking it's a stupid idea... However you view it, if you aren't pro having a tradition around calendars it wouldn't matter if grandparents bought additional ones. If you did want to have the tradition, it would make it less likely to happen.

" I can't help but imagining that somewhere on mumsnet there's a thread from a despairing parents about the OP trying to force themselves in between them and their children! "

What a nasty little comment. And putting a smile on the end doesn't change that.

Re the overall point in my OP, I was really thinking of situations where posters seem to be really upsetting themselves because they wanted to begin a certain tradition, instead of seeing all the other lovely things that just evolve over time into a tradition.
So, for instance, one Christmas Eve you burn the dinner and make toasted sandwiches and drinking chocolate for everyone instead, the next Christmas Eve the kids remember and want the same, and ten years later 19 and 20 year olds are wailing 'but we haaave to have toasties and drinking chocolate. It's tradition".
Or Aunty Maud always gives the children presents that are at least 3 years too young for them, and it becomes a funny, sentimental thing and they would actually be disappointed if she gave them an age appropriate present one year because she's Aunty Maud and they genuinely want to get a jigsaw from her even though they're 15 now or whatever.

Not sure if those examples sound like rubbish ones, but in my head I know what I mean