To think traditions should be allowed to develop naturally

[Daisysbear]

as opposed to being force fed. I just see posts on here going 'no, no. MIL can't come this Christmas. We want to build our own traditions' 'SIL wants to buy DS an advent calendar but I want it to be my tradition' etc etc and it sounds a bit contrived and planned. Most of our family traditions were things that just happened one year, were repeated the following and before we knew it a new tradition had been created.

AIBU to think that traditions don't usually start out as 'traditions' but gradually become ones?

That's interesting Alisvolapropiis - is that true for you?

I can't think of any of our traditions that were planned. It's stuff that happened which just seemed to stick. We just repeated the best bits and they are now things we do every year. That might be why they are mostly a bit stupid though

lovely not all advent calendars are chocolate? , no, not until the MIL came along

I have made my own now, to be used every year its utterly beautiful and has choclates in it, but a damn site better than cadburys in my view.

On your general point yes I agree it's lovely to let traditions develop naturally, but you do have to keep remembering to do them for that to happen!

Drastic
Of course. And I understand the joy in doing the small things.
I'm just talking about when people are actively trying to find things that will be 'traditions' or actively fighting with other family about who gets to do them.

That just strikes me as throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Op is being un clear though and specifically talking advent calenders and stockings which cant just happen..

Maybe I have had and seen too much real grief in my life, but I just can't bring myself to care about these things.
So yes parents buy a beautiful advent calendar with lovely pictures, GM brings a cheap chocolate one, and the DCs are more interested in the chocolate one. So what? Disappointing for the parents, but it is about the parents, and not the DCs and what they want.

But stockings and calenders are not traditions in my book.

Traditions are as listed before, a take away on xmas eve, a panto on boxing day etc.

Being twitchy about other people giving your kids advent calendars just seems weird to me.

A second stocking hanging up in Granny's house? Lucky grandchild!

Maybe I have had and seen too much real grief in my life, but I just can't bring myself to care about these things

Me too cleaty including many horrific xmasses which is why I want to enjoy and savour the small things that make me happy in my DC young lives.

and not the DCs and what they want

Because the DC did want the picture calender and loved it before the cheap choc one came along!!!!

I am sure most dc would love a maccy d's instead of xmas lunch , how many will get one!!

capri

why is there fighting>why are the gp;s not asking what the dp want?

I am going to ask, I dont want to tread on my DC toes if when I am privileged to be a GP. I wont be ramming un wanted stuff on them or cornering stuff I want to do if they want it.

'ramming unwanted stuff'?

This thread has made me realise that the most important parts of our Christmas are utterly daft.
We have traditions that have to happen even though they are utterly ridiculous.
My mum phones Christmas morning to sing carols
DS1 gets Jesus related gift
Muppets Christmas carol on Christmas Eve
DD has to find a Christmas related hair accessory for the dogs
Dog walk before lunch regardless of the weather.
Turkey sandwiches with white bread for supper - an award for who gets one first.
Youngest person goes into the sitting room to check Santa has been.
No one is allowed to open anything until coffee is made and I have a glass of champagne ( just common sense really)
Ds2 had to chose the Christmas tree.
DH puts the lights on said tree after which no adultis allowed to do any decorating all the children's work.
DH and DD make mince pies on Christmas Eve.
Loads more. All stupid.
Can't wait now

But christmas ISN'T "just" about the children. Blimey, the kids aren't even going to remember the first few of them. It's about parents building memories of their children. THEIR children! And yes! Having created, carried and birthed a child (or being the every day, drudging parents of a child) DOES give you more rights than being a grandparent!

It's fantastic for grandparents to have a good relationship with their grandchildren, but that comes behind the parents relationship with their child. I'm sorry if anyone gets butt hurt over that, but it's a fact. The grandparents have had their children, and done things how they wanted. Now it's the parents turn to build their own memories, and to do that in a way that THEY want. Not to have traditions shoe horned onto them just because that's what granny and grandad want.

I can't help but imagining that somewhere on mumsnet there's a thread from a despairing parents about the OP trying to force themselves in between them and their children!

.

Well said DA, I hope I will do that too

'I'm sorry if anyone gets butt hurt over that, but it's a fact.'

What's involved in becoming 'butt hurt' exactly?

DrasticAction

I said 'people fighting' which obviously includes grandparents. I'm not singling out parents.

If this thread is anything to go by its no wonder families up and down the land are full of pissed off adults.

YANBU but to give another perspective I do like to introduce 'traditions' in what is really a contrived way. DH and I didn't have happy Christmases (we were both abused as children) and so we are starting from scratch with making Christmas a happy festive time for our DCs. That has meant nabbing some traditions from MN and deliberately 'starting a tradition' etc.

That said, I don't and wouldn't stop others from introducing or sharing traditions with us and we don't shut others out (actually I really wish they would be more involved, that's the issue really with my parents anyway)

I think what happens is, we grow up seeing our parents doing certain things, which we love, and therefore we want to do them and are excited about doing them with our kids. It's carrying on a tradition through the next generation.

But our parents when they become grandparents, continue in that role, not always realising that the new parents want to take it on for their own kids.

Neither are right or wrong. But as a mum of young children, I do feel that the new generation of parents should get first pick of the holiday traditions, as it were.

I do the birthday cakes for my kids.
For my whole family actually. Amazing, delicous, beautiful homemade ones not to be arrogant but they are good

When I offered to do DH's and mil wanted to buy it crappy cake from Tesco I didn't say a word. Her child, he was there for his birthday, her choice.

DH was gutted so I made him a cake when we got home

What annoys me is that people can get away with bad behaviour with the excuse that it's tradition

My SIL has a "tradition" that only she, her husband and daughter are together on Christmas Day and they will not see anyone else until the evening.

That's fine but my MIL (her mother) was widowed a couple of years ago and she would rather leave her own mother to sit at home alone on Christmas Day than break this tradition.

My SIL lives 5 mins from my MIL, we live 1.5hrs away.

We always end up either not seeing my family, driving here there and everywhere and/or dragging my MIL to my family (which is great but they are loud and boisterous - she is quiet and reserved, I doubt she enjoys it). We always have to be the ones compromising.

That makes sense slithy

My son is old enough now to make his own choices about Christmas. He's coming here Christmas Day and it will be nice for as long as he wants to but I'm well aware that he will want his own choices. I will always respect that. Frankly if he wants to get together at Christmas that will be fine but it will be his choice from here on in. He's out there making his own life. I would want him to see us because he wants to not because he has to.

We worked when the DC were small. Telling my mum that we couldn't see them at Christmas was hard but her being so understanding about it made me want to be the same. She's great.