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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think traditions should be allowed to develop naturally

177 replies

Daisysbear · 01/12/2015 13:58

as opposed to being force fed. I just see posts on here going 'no, no. MIL can't come this Christmas. We want to build our own traditions' 'SIL wants to buy DS an advent calendar but I want it to be my tradition' etc etc and it sounds a bit contrived and planned. Most of our family traditions were things that just happened one year, were repeated the following and before we knew it a new tradition had been created.

AIBU to think that traditions don't usually start out as 'traditions' but gradually become ones?

OP posts:
Spidertracker · 01/12/2015 14:23

thehouseonthelane They don't think they are from Father Christmas, they never have, he is and always was a magical postman when I was growing up. That where the debate with MIL came in, in their house all presents were under the tree all December and only stockings arrived on Christmas Eve. Everyone gets properly thanked.

Original poster
Daisysbear · 01/12/2015 14:23

Yes House that's all I have to be sad about Hmm.

OP posts:
Caprinihahahaha · 01/12/2015 14:23

'Granny and granddad special stocking' sounds like elderly eroticism.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 01/12/2015 14:24

Daisy the "harm" is only harm when the parent wants to do it themselves!

Why can't you see that this is fine and dandy? It is the parent's choice.

reni2 · 01/12/2015 14:25

Well, some traditions have to be introduced to a new small family or else they won't happen.

My dh and I come from different cultures, different languages and different traditions. We wanted our dc to inherit some of both cultures' heritage so these traditions had to be introduced. The first year we did this with a baby who wouldn't remember any of it it did feel kind of contrived, but they feel very natural now.

We needed a little bubble for a couple of years to build this up and I am glad we did.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 01/12/2015 14:25

Capri Grin

Support stockings with erotic surprises probably

Caprinihahahaha · 01/12/2015 14:26

The funny thing about the territorial pissing is that the children probably couldn't care less.

People should really try and unclench a bit. It makes the whole process much more enjoyable.

My mum likes to phones early and sing carols. It's brilliant and awful in equal measure Grin

TheHouseOnTheLane · 01/12/2015 14:28

Capri you're right of course but I stand by my right to say "Actually, my child will only be having one stocking and I will be buying it..." maybe the Granny could make an Easter basket or something!?

There's always a way.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 01/12/2015 14:28

Its difficult blending family traditions. GP took us to the panto every christmas eve giving mom some peace
Presents are from FC, all others under the tree. DP family all from FC with the lables torn off (SIL gives a list) They open after dinner, we open first thing. PIL buy gifts, DM gives cash for us to chose and wrap.
Whos right? er me

Caprinihahahaha · 01/12/2015 14:30
Grin I want to imagine my mums face if I suggested she make an Easter basket.
Caprinihahahaha · 01/12/2015 14:32

Everyone should do what they want. It's Christmas.
I'm not dissing anyone's choices. I'm just saying I think sometimes people lose sight of the big picture. It's supposed to be enjoyable and ultimately children don't care about the minutia in the way we think.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 01/12/2015 14:35

My Mum makes my DC Easter baskets! It's just a pound shop basket with a soft toy, mug and sweets! Nothing weird.

cleaty · 01/12/2015 14:36

I really think we need to remember not to sweat the small stuff. Treat it as the minor irritations they are. So what if GM buys them a second stocking? So what if the DCs end up with 2 or 3 advent calendars? It really really doesn't matter.

Tomatoesareyum · 01/12/2015 14:36

Traditions and memories come over time and can't really be contrived. I usually get my kids pyjamas in their piles and this year both my older ones said to me "don't forget to buy us our pyjamas, we always have to have pyjamas" so I guess that is a tradition. Likewise with memories, my eldest told me his most previous memory is of going on Thunder Mountain at Disneyworld as a family of 5 because when we went to Disneyland Paris a few years ago his siblings were too small to go on it and DH looked after thtm while the 2 of us went on it. Never in a million years would I have engineered that as one of his greatest moments of his life

Original poster
Daisysbear · 01/12/2015 14:36

That's it in a nutshell Caprini. Far too much analysing and worrying and bringing unnecessary tension into Christmas in the name of 'tradition'. Just let things happen and evolve. There's enough activities to go around, no need to be drawing circles around stuff (apart from Santa which should definitely stay with the parents).

OP posts:
Krampus · 01/12/2015 14:38

In most households and families a proportion of traditions will develop naturally.

Some people will always be overbearing or have close family who are over bearing. Imposing your will on others is never a nice thing to do and christmas will magnify the effects of such behaviour.

Some people may go along with Santa brings everything, so stockings delivered to multiple houses can just about make sense Grin . Some people may go along with Santa fills one stocking at the child's house and everything else comes from the person who gave it. With a bit of conversation and listening clashes between these expectations are easily resolved.

I didn't know that in my inlaws world everything came from Santa, after a couple of confusing years this difference clicked. We all managed to meet up for years and give presents to all the kids with no bloodshed. MIL didn't make a fuss about them being Santa pressies, she would quietly say these are the ones Santa left to my niece, we wouldn't get my children to thank Grandma on the day infront of the other children.

A very different situation from MIL knowing that we did one stocking from Santa as a fun fairytale thing, then deciding to wrap loads of gifts, put them in a stocking and dictating that it was used as The One Stocking. Or knowing we did one stocking but chose to ignore that and randomly produced her own stocking at a later date. The intent behind the last two would be dubious.

Caprinihahahaha · 01/12/2015 14:38
Confused

House, I never said it was weird?

Are you feeling got at or something. I'm only making general observations in the context of the op. My mum would not make an Easter basket is all.
I don't care what you do - I'm sure it's all lovely. Has the thread got a subtext I don't know about?

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/12/2015 14:38

Traditions usually start after a little bit of careful planning.

Whilst I think it's lovely that grandparents want to join in, there seems to be an awful lot of needy ones about. I'll check with my mum but I'm fairly sure none of my grandparents tried to step on my parents toes by getting advent calendars and doing stockings.

I feel quite lucky that my own parents have a healthy sense of boundaries without me ever having to say anything, because well...they're not needy and possessive over my baby.

LovelyFriend · 01/12/2015 14:40

Do people REALLY believe that they are responsible for their children's tradition of having a chocolate advent calendar every year?

Perhaps it's down to chocolate manufacturers desire to get more ££ per kilo of chocolate at this time of year? And the fact the every shop is stocking 1000's of them?

It would be more of a tradition to NOT have one.

bluebolt · 01/12/2015 14:40

I am never reading MN if I have grand children, they cannot do right for wrong. My sons school do little stockings (SN schools) I would never dream of this trampling on any tradition, they even do advent calendars as well. All this angst, I just do not get it. I would hate to feel I made the grandparents unable to show love in case they stepped on my feet.

DrasticAction · 01/12/2015 14:41

It's supposed to be enjoyable and ultimately children don't care about the minutia in the way we think
Of course not but part of my joy in my dc is xmas and doing certain things for them, its my pleasure.

Daisy, I have said before and will say again you cannot let a stocking tradition evolve.

cleaty as for calenders, this has been done to death.
The parent getting a lovely (non chocolate shite cadburys one), but a beautiful classic German style one with a pretty picture behind the door...then granny comes with the cadbury crap and its good bye little picture.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 01/12/2015 14:41

It's not even about tradition for me. I want to do certain things myself and yes..I want to be the ONLY one to do it. Not many things...but I like to make my DC birthday cakes myself, had a bit of a "thing" with MIL about that.

She wanted to make the cake for DDs party...I said no, I am doing it. She said "Can I make one and bring it just for the table?"

I said "no....one birthday cake and I'm making it."

ANd that's that. My child, my choice.

Same with stockings, I chose, I fill. THat's that.

She can do other things. She DOES do other things.

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/12/2015 14:42

lovely not all advent calendars are chocolate?

Witchend · 01/12/2015 14:42

Some traditions just appear-I did an Easter egg hunt with clues one year and the children begged for another the next year and now it's tradition (although I'm running out of ideas now I have 3 dc, and it's my 12th year of doing it this year!). It does vary what exactly they do-last year they were out for a couple of hours together following clues round the estate to find where their first set of clues would be hidden round the house.

But some are things I (or dh) loved as a child and wanted it to be a tradition with our dc. Dh loves making the Christmas puddings with the dc, and wanted it to be something he did with them, for example.

I was not tremendously impressed the year mil decided she would add to the stocking presents not because I felt she shouldn't do them though. Their family discouraged belief in FC, and were a bit sniffy over me wanting to keep it when they were little. She handed over a small pile of little presents wrapped in exactly the same paper as the presents under the tree with "From Father Christmas" written on them all in her very distinctive writing. As soon as I saw it I knew that dd1 would immediately clock they were from Nanny and being a logical child, would probably immediately work everything out, followed by telling dd2.
Thankfully she agreed fairly quickly that they could go under the tree for Boxing day without me saying anything other than they'd got enough for the morning, and it would be nice to have them the next day instead. And, as I'd expected dd1's first comments were along the lines of "why has nanny written from FC?". Because they weren't with the other presents she was happy to accept that nanny was pretending without going any further.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 01/12/2015 14:42

I think parents should let the DGP's in to their Christmases at least around the edges. So to me advent calendars are fair game for DGP's, but stockings are for parents to do - with help from Santa Xmas Smile Unless it seemed that perhaps DGC might like say a personalised empty stocking but tricky territory, perhaps best check with parents first!