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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU and should I make Dp's lunch?

223 replies

sleeplessinmybedroom · 30/11/2015 23:05

This is semi lighthearted but Dp and I are bickering over whether I should make his packed lunch for him or not. I've said I will post this and if it's deemed I am being unreasonable then I will make his packed lunch.

Just for clarity I'm on maternity leave at the moment with a 3 month old baby and a 9 year old. He works 5-7 days a week, sometimes long hours in a physical job.

I do all of the housework in the day but he does pitch in when he's home. He washes up every night.

He takes the baby when he gets in and puts her to bed. If she wakes in the night for her dummy he sorts her more often than me.

When I was working he sometimes made my packed lunch.

I just hate making packed lunches. I won't let Ds have them because I hate it so much. So who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Pyjamaramadrama · 01/12/2015 12:02

In my opinion maternity leave is a time to look after your baby and recover from pregnancy and childbirth.

You are not a sahp or a cook, cleaner or anything else.

It's probably the norm to do the essentials round the house and make the evening meal. It's normal for your dp to care for his daughter before work and put her to bed. He's not helping you or doing you a favour.

There's nothing wrong with you doing him a lunch if you want to and have time, but it certainly shouldn't be expected. This isn't the 1950s.

The only think that seemed off to me was him getting up in the night with her. I'm in the exact same boat as you op but I do the night shift and take older ds to school.

Pyjamaramadrama · 01/12/2015 12:04

It makes me livid when people suggest that men are helping by looking after their own children or doing things in the house.

tootyflooty · 01/12/2015 12:32

my dh gets up early and makes the packed lunches for all of us, that being me ,our ds 24, and twins 17, we both work, although I do a lot more running around.I only do the packed lunch if he has a day off, although if I'm ultra organised when doing dinner and not dashing out I may do the lunches at the same time. I do feel it is a little mean not to do them when he is working ft, but having said that babys are real time drainers, but on balance while you are at home I would say maybe you could do them, but fit it in while dinner is cooking so it doesn't feel like an extra job.

Original poster

sleeplessinmybedroom · 01/12/2015 12:49

He doesn't get up to feed her in the night, it's just to put her dummy back in and it's only a couple of times a week. He's a much lighter sleeper than I am so it's easier for him to just do it.

OP posts:

maybebabybee · 01/12/2015 12:52

I'm grateful when DP does housework, he's grateful when I do it. I don't think that makes me some kind of downtrodden anti-feminist

Pyjamaramadrama · 01/12/2015 13:28

Maybebaby I'm grateful too, but it's when people view it as the woman's job and the man is helping her.

Op when you say getting up to give her her dummy I think of my baby who can wake several times a night for his dummy.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/12/2015 13:29

maybebaby if you're both grateful to each other in a polite/appreciating kindness way then I don't think that's anti-feminist. It's anti-feminist when you're weeping at his feet with gratitude because he deigned to pick up his pants or put a washing on to 'help you out because it' women's work'.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/12/2015 13:31

oops, x-post with pyjama

Pyjamaramadrama · 01/12/2015 13:33

Yes X post

I'm grateful that dh clears up after our meal, I'm pleased that he puts ds to bed. But he's not helping me, he's participating in family life.

I think that's where the 'you're not his mother', comments come from.

maybebabybee · 01/12/2015 13:34

aplace and pyjama yes I completely agree with both of you, having come from a family where people thought my Dad was god's gift because he happened to do some ironing once in a while.

I just meant that I think it can spill over sometimes into unnecessary meanness - ie, if I were to make DP's lunch for him, I'd be doing it out of kindness and because I wanted to, not because it was expected or required, and to read comments saying it's akin to him not being able to wipe his own arse, for example, is quite insulting.

Pyjamaramadrama · 01/12/2015 13:40

Yes I don't think there's any problem with making your partners lunch. I've done it for dh because he's had a long day or he's got an early start, he's made mine because he makes amazing sandwiches.

I would hate for it to become an expected chore though especially because you're on maternity leave.

There's a man at dhs work who was complaining because his wife had chopped his sandwiches the wrong way and cut his fruit too big.

DameDancealot · 01/12/2015 13:43

I make my DH packed lunches in summer months when work is full on, he tends to make them in winter

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/12/2015 13:56

maybe I've made DP's packed lunch. Likewise he's brought my lunch into the office for me but neither of us expected it and if we asked and the other was busy or didn't want to do it then that's ok.

Where I'm struggling with the OP's example is it seemed like her DH asked. She said she didn't want to but it's become a point of contention because his colleagues think she should do it as she's at home.

anonacfr · 01/12/2015 14:19

Well a friend's SIL not only 'has to' (as in her husband convinced her it was he duty as a SAHM) make her husband lunch every day but he then complained he only had half an hour to eat and it took too long to cut up the food so she now makes it and cuts it up for him. Every. Single. Day.

His work colleagues (understandably) started taking the piss so he told them it was all her idea. So now his colleagues laugh at his wife every day while he sits there eating the food she has cooked and cut up for him. Like a fucking toddler.

I don't know this woman but just thinking about her gives me the rage.

Original poster

sleeplessinmybedroom · 01/12/2015 14:33

Wow that's all kinds of wrong.

OP posts:

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/12/2015 14:46

anon the worrying thing is that you can tell that relationship is only going to get worse

Katedotness1963 · 01/12/2015 15:03

I'm going to say, why not? You say he works long hours at a physically demanding job, does a share round the house, takes care of the kids in the evening to give you a break and gets up through the night? A sandwich and an apple doesn't seem like a big deal. And I say that as someone who loathes making packed lunches.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 01/12/2015 16:31

She didn't say he got up throughout the night...

Lweji · 01/12/2015 17:35

I used to get up in the night to soothe DS, or feed him.
I also worked full time and exH was a sahp with one child. Sometimes I had to work late or travel for work.
Also always took DS to school in the morning. And fed him when I was at home.
ExH used to cook in the evening, but not every time.
We shared shopping duties. I very often ended up taking the trash out because he was snoring on the sofa. I handled laundry. He did some cleaning weekly.

Never crossed my mind to ask exH to prepare lunch for me to take or any snacks, sandwiches or any food I wanted to eat.

I am not a bloody saint as some make out the OP's OH to be.

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/12/2015 18:40

I absolutely agree that a healthy relationships thrives on mutual kindnesses.

It's just when you start to examine this more closely, you realise the 'wife' is often doing the daily mundane offerings, while the 'husband' does the perhaps bigger, more showy, but far less frequent ones.

I hate making packed lunches because I have to do it every day for the DC, and it's yet another thing on my daily list of wifework (which absolutely still exists, even though I work full time). DH buys his lunch so it's not even an issue, but it certainly would be, if he asked me to do it, and griped because his colleagues said I should be doing it...

This, I think, is a big part of why I couldn't be a SAHM; because of the inherent expectation that you're there to service the house and husband, as much as the DC. It just makes me way too angry and resentful to be good for my blood pressure, let alone everyone who has to live with me!

ShebaShimmyShake · 01/12/2015 18:50

anon, that is horrendous. But I have to wonder why you'd piss off someone who prepares your food...

Blu · 01/12/2015 18:57

He isn't 'a saint', he gets on and does what working parents do - switch to the family and domestic tasks once on from the paid job.

When you're under pressure, when we are under pressure - on maternity leave with an infant, working all the hours under the sun, juggling- it helps if both partners recognise the pressure the other is under and support. By picking up the slack, not relaxing til both are ready to relax, and making small acts of kindness to demonstrate a little attention to detail in the face of the great grinding bulldozer that is a busy life. Sometimes that might mean making a nice (or ordinary) packed lunch. The OP says that her DH sometimes does nice things for her. This is all good. The interference of the Neanderthal workmates has bollocksed it up.

Any suggestion of 'should' in the doing of any task immediately imbues it with obligation and its flipside: resentment.

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/12/2015 19:17

It's the husband passing on the Neanderthal workmates' comment that has fucked it up. He clearly thinks it's his due or he wouldn't have even mentioned that to the OP, and so like you say Blu, it's now imbued with obligation.

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