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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and should I make Dp's lunch?

223 replies

sleeplessinmybedroom · 30/11/2015 23:05

This is semi lighthearted but Dp and I are bickering over whether I should make his packed lunch for him or not. I've said I will post this and if it's deemed I am being unreasonable then I will make his packed lunch.

Just for clarity I'm on maternity leave at the moment with a 3 month old baby and a 9 year old. He works 5-7 days a week, sometimes long hours in a physical job.

I do all of the housework in the day but he does pitch in when he's home. He washes up every night.

He takes the baby when he gets in and puts her to bed. If she wakes in the night for her dummy he sorts her more often than me.

When I was working he sometimes made my packed lunch.

I just hate making packed lunches. I won't let Ds have them because I hate it so much. So who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 01/12/2015 04:13

LeaLeander, women who 'lost' men who expected them to be their maids or mothers just because they were financially dependent on them for periods during their childbearing years, to hotter commodities, are well rid.

Speaking as someone who is over 50, single, and loving life a lot.

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/12/2015 04:16

For me, it would be the needy expectation from a grown adult that I should do it, rather than the actual act of making the packed lunch (which I hate doing anyway) that would really, really piss me off.

I cannot imagine going to my husband and whining to him to make me a packed lunch every day, it just seems soooo off-putting.

And if he did it to me, I would find him off-putting.

If he wants a packed lunch, he's welcome to a packed lunch, isn't he? I mean, it's no bother to make one right, which is why he's asking you to do it. So he can do it! Problem solved.

Lweji · 01/12/2015 05:07

I think I probably get a bit more free time because he takes the baby to bed and I stay up some nights a bit later to be a grown up. If he's working late I do everything on my own.
Her free time, or adult time, is when sometimes she stays up late, while he sometimes works late and she has to do it all by herself and no break.
Yes, it sounds like she has much more free time.

MrsCampbellBlack · 01/12/2015 05:28

I'd make his lunch because it sounds like he does a lot already and it is one small thing that will make his life easier/nicer.

Doesn't sound like he gets much free time at all.

MammaTJ · 01/12/2015 05:43

he just said tonight that some people he works with are surprised I dont make his lunch.

This is your DHs version of the DCs saying 'Everyone else is allowed'. I reply to them that I am not everyone elses mum, I am theirs. That alone would make me dig my heels in, but he does do a lot and it wouldn't kill you to do it really.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 01/12/2015 06:26

everyone's different though, aren't they?
I mean, I make my dh packed lunch Monday- Thursday. Because I am doing my own, and ds2 so it's not really an effort to do one more.

On Friday at work we have lunch from the cafe. Ds2 has lunch from the canteen. Dh normally makes his own lunch or occasionally buys lunch from Tesco.

If I am on annual leave or something I don't do his lunch. He hasn't starved to death yet.
That works for us

If I wasn't making my own, and ds2 lunch (and up until recently dd and ds1 lunch) would I make dh a lunch? Probably not every day. I might box up some leftovers if there was enough I suppose.

Original poster
sleeplessinmybedroom · 01/12/2015 06:50

Wow lots of responses while I was asleep.

Can I just say if he wants to leave me because I don't make him a packed lunch then I don't really want to be with someone like that.

I think I probably should make his packed lunch, he does pull his weight a lot and does things to make my life easier. He's just changed the baby and brought up a bottle.

He's not expecting me to, if I say no then that'll be it. It was lighthearted we aren't arguing over it.

OP posts:
MythicalKings · 01/12/2015 06:57

He eats it so he makes it.

When we were first married (and both working full time) he asked what we should do about packed lunches. He suggested taking it in turns or one week on, one week off. This is what we did and it worked ok for a start.

I was a teacher so when the holidays came around I wasn't having packed lunches so didn't make his. He sulked a bit but got over it.

When the DSs took packed lunches I made his as well the night before because it would have been churlish not to but once they started school dinners he was back to making his own again.

mewkins · 01/12/2015 06:58

He is a grown up. He can make his own lunch.

NorksAreMessy · 01/12/2015 07:15

I would make the packed lunch. It is a kind thing to do.
Just as I would offer DH a cup of tea, bring him a beer after a long day. Just as he would bring me a glass of wine, or run a bath for me.
Tiny acts of kindness are not weakness

diddl · 01/12/2015 07:19

Why does he want you to do it?

Because his work mates think that you should?

I think whoever it's most convenient for tbh.

So if he's up & about getting ready for work then he should.

If you are all up then maybe you could sometimes so that he can have some time with the baby.

What is it that you hate so much about making them?

seaweed123 · 01/12/2015 07:21

Is it really possible to have "rules" for these things when you have a 3 month old? I know at that stage some days I would deep clean the house, prep dinner, make lunches and bake a cake. And other days I would spend the entire day cluster feeding on the sofa in my pj's munching my way through a box of breakfast bars. You just do what you can, surely?

Sounds like it would be a nice thing to do, but I wouldn't beat myself up about doing it every single day.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 01/12/2015 07:23

I'd make them-I'm soft like that though.

TheVeryThing · 01/12/2015 07:32

There's a huge difference between household/child related tasks and making someone's lunch when they're perfectly capable of doing it themselves.
Telling you that you should be making his lunch makes him sound childish and whiny. There is no way I could ever have sex with a man like that.

TheVeryThing · 01/12/2015 07:36

My dh sometimes brings me a cup of tea in bed, as a small act of kindness. If I told him that he should do this, every day, and that my mates at work said so, he would never do it again (and rightly so).

PennyHasNoSurname · 01/12/2015 07:46

Who cooks dinner? The other one should do the pack ups for who ever needs them. So one of you makes lunches thw other makes dinners.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 01/12/2015 07:48

I don't think it is fair to compare this to the other thread. On that thread the dh works 5 days a week and is finished by 4.30. His wife wanted some help with jobs she couldn't easily manage with 2 kids around and the dh didn't see why he should do anything, given he woh. Circumstances are entirely different.

I'm torn on this one. On the one hand, what the dh is doing at home, is called pulling his weight. It seems so rare for a man to actually do this that our perception is that he's doing a lot and OP should be grateful and therefore make his lunch. I disagree with that.
Otoh, he does seem to be doing more than the OP. 7 days a week is a lot to work.

I would probably make his lunch sometimes, but not if there was expectation or demand. He doesn't sound like the kind of man who is trying to oppress you.

Kampeki · 01/12/2015 07:58

Tiny acts of kindness are not weakness

So true, norks.

purplefizz26 · 01/12/2015 08:03

Yes i think you ABU. And a bit mean IMHO.

He works long hours, helps with housework AND assists with night wakings which is unusual for the working parent to do if one is staying at home.

Although you are currently a SAHP/mat leave, and will also be busy and tired, you are at home and undoubtedly have more 'spare' time.

Why can't you do your husband a favour and sometimes make him some dinner? I wouldn't do it if it was demanded or expected, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

whois · 01/12/2015 08:09

I probably would make his packed lunch if we had a fair distribution of tasks. But I would make it in the evening when I'm doing dinner so there isn't any extra clearing up required.

It's not a big ask for you to make a nice sandwich and pull together an apple, a carrot and a bag of crisps or whatever he has in the evening so he can just get straight up and go to work in the morning.

MrRobot · 01/12/2015 08:10

My wife makes me a sandwich for work, mind you I do have Cerebral Palsy and I can't butter a slice of bread to save my life. It's an act of kindness and I appreciate it. I'm not saying you should make his lunch OP but like someone up thread said, tiny acts of kindness are not weaknesses.

Sallystyle · 01/12/2015 08:11

It would be a nice gesture wouldn't it? But you shouldn't be expected to do it.

DH sometimes does stuff for me that I am more than capable of doing for myself and vice versa. He made me a sandwich once for work. I was ironing my uniform so he thought he would be nice. I'm pretty sure he doesn't think I'm a 4 year old. We just like doing nice things for one another.

I even iron his clothes and sometimes he irons mine Grin

witsender · 01/12/2015 08:14

I normally did packed lunches. Timing wise it worked better, DH got up, showered etc while I went downstairs and made tea/put breakfast on/made sarnies. He would come down, we would eat together, he would go then I would shower and get me and kids dressed. Now I work too we do the same but we both have quicker showers first thing and he dresses the kids while I have mine.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 01/12/2015 08:14

I don't think you are OBLIGATED to make one, but considering he made one every now and then for you, I think it would be NICE of you if you made him a packed lunch maybe once a week or something.

But again, that would be a nice gesture from you, rather than something that you "should" be doing.

MumOfOne14 · 01/12/2015 08:15

I probably would do it the night before. My husband doesn't do half as much as yours.. You're lucky. But I only make him sandwiches now & again! I'll be honest tho, I wouldn't have for the first 5 months or so of DS being born. I used to hate it when he'd say the guys in work have their pack lunch made for them! Grrr!!
Just do what you can when you can I say Smile