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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and should I make Dp's lunch?

223 replies

sleeplessinmybedroom · 30/11/2015 23:05

This is semi lighthearted but Dp and I are bickering over whether I should make his packed lunch for him or not. I've said I will post this and if it's deemed I am being unreasonable then I will make his packed lunch.

Just for clarity I'm on maternity leave at the moment with a 3 month old baby and a 9 year old. He works 5-7 days a week, sometimes long hours in a physical job.

I do all of the housework in the day but he does pitch in when he's home. He washes up every night.

He takes the baby when he gets in and puts her to bed. If she wakes in the night for her dummy he sorts her more often than me.

When I was working he sometimes made my packed lunch.

I just hate making packed lunches. I won't let Ds have them because I hate it so much. So who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Booyaka · 01/12/2015 00:48

Yeah Lweji, but if a man was refusing to help out with household chores because 'they don't benefit the whole family' then you'd have a fucking coronary in anger.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 01/12/2015 00:48

back, she probably can't afford to have him buy lunch in Tesco, can she?

AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 00:50

God, some people will find man hating in the unlikeliest of places Hmm

If a woman asked if the SAHP (of either sex) should make her lunches my answer would still be nope.

Booyaka · 01/12/2015 00:51

Yep, Kampecki, he could just as easily withhold any wages for the OPs personal use 'if they don't benefit the whole family'. But that would be financial abuse. So he is expected to put in his labour for not only the whole family, but also for needs that the OP has alone. However some people are saying that when it comes to the OPs labour, she is entitled to withdraw it for anything which benefits her husband alone. Which is unfair IMO and a double standard.

AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 00:53

Should she warm his slippers and draw him a bath too ?

Whilst wearing a pretty ribbon in her hair Smile

LeaLeander · 01/12/2015 00:58

I agree with everything Kampeki has said.

The husband sounds like a team player and the OP sounds like a petty child who is keeping score in a one-against-one game, frankly.

The world is teeming with women who were smug and complacent in that sort of sanctimony - until hubs got tired of being scored off and found someone else - leaving Lady "Divorce Could Never Happen to Me" standing around looking dumbfounded and a lot less smug.

Just sayin'...

AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 01:00

Bingo.

If you don't make his packed lunch give him enough blow jobs someone else will

If I had to worry about that, I wouldn't be partnered up in the first place. Grim how some women live, isn't it ?

gamerchick · 01/12/2015 01:01

Anyone who puts 'just sayin' at the end of their posts only screams one thing...

AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 01:04

Lea, perhaps you are one of those women who would make sure you had all the right moves to snare your man away from his selfish wife who doesn't understand his need for a freshly cut sammich

Some of us have other priorities in our life. It's quite liberating really.

Kampeki · 01/12/2015 01:08

AF, the OP has said that she has more leisure time than her DH. Would it be so very bad if she did something simple to make his life a little easier?

My DH often does stuff for me - he'll take out a load of my laundry, for example, and put it out to dry. Or he'll iron stuff for me. Or he'll make me a cup of coffee. As a grown up, I'm capable of doing this stuff for myself, but if he sees that I'm busy, he'll help out.

Isn't that what you do as part of a team?

Booyaka · 01/12/2015 01:11

Her husband who does housework works 5-7 and gets up in the night is knackered and asks her to make a sandwich and now her life is grim?

You don't seem to be able to draw a distinction AnyFucker between one partner asking another to do a simple task for them because they have more time and they're knackered, to someone who wants some sort of Stepford wife who gives warm slippers and baths and blow jobs on tap.

Somebody asking you if you would do their lunch for them is not the fucking patriarchy oppressing women. It's someone who's knackered from working long days sometimes 7 days a week asking their partner to do something fairly reasonable which most partners (male or female) would see as reasonable in that situation.

If this was the other way around and a woman was working 7 day weeks and getting up in the night with the baby and asked a partner who admitted they had less on their plate to make their lunch because they were shattered and they said no, they'd be crucified. I actually remember a thread where that happened a few weeks back where posters were saying that if you were feeding a baby your partner should provide a drinks and snacks service on demand.

AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 01:12

No, nobody said it would be bad if op made his sandwiches. The expectation is the problem. Did you see the bit where he used some rather unsubtle emotional blackmail to get her to do it ?

AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 01:14

What do you two think of the clear threat posed by a pp that she shouldn't be surprised if he left her ? Since you are asking me to qualify other people's stances, go for it yourself.

AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 01:17

Also, there is a very clear and simple message here

op doesn't want to do it

The end.

Kampeki · 01/12/2015 01:20

Yes, and I thought the comment about the DH's colleagues was pathetic. Of course their opinion is irrelevant.

That said, the OP has said that she will base her decision on what a bunch of strangers on MN think. I reckon we're pretty irrelevant too tbh.

I agree that the expectation is wrong, and I've said already that I don't think the OP should make the lunch if she really doesn't want to. But if I had more leisure time than my DH and it was important to him, I would do it personally. Sometimes, at least.

Kampeki · 01/12/2015 01:22

X post.

What do you two think of the clear threat posed by a pp that she shouldn't be surprised if he left her?

I think that, if there is any likelihood of him leaving over a sandwich, then he isn't worth hanging on to in any case.

If the OP doesn't want to, then fair enough. But she has asked for opinions, and I'm expressing the view that it's a small gesture that might go a long way.

AnyFucker · 01/12/2015 01:23

And now I should go to bed as I have a long day at work tomorrow. For the record, I have made my own packed lunch. If I hadn't, as a fully functioning grown up who takes care of my own personal needs I could starve, I could go to the works canteen, I could buy a sandwich from the shop, I could go for a slap up lunch at the pub. The options are almost limitless, but none of them involves another person doing my thinking, planning and organising my mid day meal for me.

Kampeki · 01/12/2015 01:25

And I have made my dd's packed lunch but I couldn't be arsed to make my own, so I will be forking out for an over-priced sandwich tomorrow. Unless DH is kind enough to make something for me! Grin

LeaLeander · 01/12/2015 01:36

I'm not saying women SHOULD have to cater to their partner/spouse.

I'm saying the absolute reality is that the world is full of bitter women who felt snarky, smug, complacent and entitled because they produced the golden spawn and thought they still were hot enough or whatever that their "DH" should be not only grateful to go out and provide the financial support, but also to come home and do 50/50 childcare, 50/50 housework and not expect some maid to pack his sack lunch...

And guess what? The real world reflects that many such smug and snarky women are now 39, 49, 59, 69 and scrabbling to make do alone, their 50, 60, 70-year-old partners are on Wife No. 2 or No. 3. Because the world is a kinder place for 40-70-year-old men seeking a viable new partner than it is for women in the same age ranges.

SHOULD it be that way? Of course not. It sucks. I hate that the decks are stacked this way.

IS it that way for many, many women who thought "Oh, she must be a bitch, because THAT could never happen in MY marriage." Yes, those women are a dime a dozen. Who knows, perhaps this OP has a six-figure income when she's not on maternity leave and a body to die for and is the soul of kindness.

But otherwise, if one is financially and otherwise dependent on another person, is it really that difficult to pack his/her lunch?

dontcallmecis · 01/12/2015 01:56

It's one of those morning jobs you have to muddle through. We get up, get the kids up and organised with their breakfast etc, feed them, ourselves, organise lunches. So we both do what needs doing. Which means it gets done. By someone. If it doesn't get done, it's bought.

Lweji · 01/12/2015 02:06

It sounds to me like both are team players. The OP does things that her OH doesn't like doing, such as cooking and emptying the bins. She doesn't like doing the packed lunch. Sounds fair to me.

I have missed she saying anywhere that she gets more leisure time. Where is that?

Gruntfuttock · 01/12/2015 02:21

Lweji OP's post @Mon 30-Nov-15 23:23:13

LeaLeander · 01/12/2015 02:24

Well, Lweji, she said in one of her prior posts that she has more free time than he does, and also that he gets up at 6 a.m. while she gets up between 6 and 7:30 a.m. depending on the baby's wake-up time and hunger.

Again, I am not prescribing anything. I think we each should be as independent and self-sufficient as possible. But I'm over 50 and have known a lot of people - friend, relatives, co-workers, etc. - and the ratio of dumped, lonely and bitter women to dumped and lonely men is really quite high. Fair or not, men get - and frequently avail themselves of - second and third chances, at an age when women are beginning to be invisible. One person's "light-hearted bickering" might be another person's "God what an insufferable lazy nag she's become."

If I were dependent on someone else for my room, board and the welfare of my children, I'd pick my battles carefully. Many is the woman who scoffed "oh, that will never happen to me." Many.

Blu · 01/12/2015 03:19

He works long hours sometimes 7 days a week, does the baby evening routine, washes up, gets up in the night with the baby and does the school run.

I don't think you should get up at 6 and make his packed lunch. If it was me, I would make up a packed lunch while he does the baby in the evening or washes up if that was 'down time' fit me. EXCEPT that the work colleagues comments would put me right off. That is what I would react against. Because whereas in a team you both pitch in and cover the jobs that need to be done, men expressing an opinion about what women ought to do stirs up gender politics.
Unreasonable , because the OPs DH clearly does not come in sit down and put his feet up and expect his tea on the table.
His mistake was to bring his workmates into the equation!

mathanxiety · 01/12/2015 04:08

So he works with a bunch of ignoramuses who think that women on maternity leave do nothing all day but sit around on their arses eating bonbons and polishing their toenails, while watching soaps.

I am with Blu that this is the reason I would dig in and refuse to do this.

I would be sad he couldn't see the sorry truth about his work mates and their Neanderthal attitudes.