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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and should I make Dp's lunch?

223 replies

sleeplessinmybedroom · 30/11/2015 23:05

This is semi lighthearted but Dp and I are bickering over whether I should make his packed lunch for him or not. I've said I will post this and if it's deemed I am being unreasonable then I will make his packed lunch.

Just for clarity I'm on maternity leave at the moment with a 3 month old baby and a 9 year old. He works 5-7 days a week, sometimes long hours in a physical job.

I do all of the housework in the day but he does pitch in when he's home. He washes up every night.

He takes the baby when he gets in and puts her to bed. If she wakes in the night for her dummy he sorts her more often than me.

When I was working he sometimes made my packed lunch.

I just hate making packed lunches. I won't let Ds have them because I hate it so much. So who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
witsender · 01/12/2015 08:19

Being a family is being kind to each other surely?

Original poster
sleeplessinmybedroom · 01/12/2015 08:20

That tiny act of kindness thing is why I feel like I should. He does whatever he can to make my life a bit easier. When I was pregnant and had spd and could hardly do anything he took over all household tasks as well as going to work. He is good to me.

OP posts:
BelaLug0si · 01/12/2015 08:23

Why not get the 9 yo to make their own packed lunch and their Dad's too? Family teamwork Smile

Kampeki · 01/12/2015 08:26

He sounds like a nice guy, OP, and you've said that he is not demanding that you do it.

If you do decide to do it, remember you don't have to commit to doing it every day. :)

Roussette · 01/12/2015 08:36

Good grief, of course you should. Isn't marriage about give and take? A long time ago, I was in your position and my DH was working really hard with long hours and travel. He didn't get up to our baby in the night, he didn't do the school run, he didn't do the washing up, he didn't do as much as your DH, but I made his packed lunch because I loved and cared for him, and he was wiped out with his job and we worked as a team. I used to make it the night before though.

You sound like you have a very thoughtful kind DH who does a lot to make things easier for you, why can't you do this for him? You have a full night's sleep, he doesn't AND he works up to 7 days a week?

Doing this for him is not a sign of weakness

Your DH sounds like a gem.

Eliza22 · 01/12/2015 08:38

I think yabu.

From what you say, your DH does a full week's work in a very physical job. He does night duty with the baby who generally sleeps through and this gives you a good nights sleep. He washes up each evening etc etc.

When I had my son, I was working part time nights when he was 4 months old. I was often up all day and worked agin doing 12 hr shifts 2 X weekly, at night as a nursing sister. I was the "home maker" as DH was up early out to work. I did everything. Baby, housework, work, garden, shopping, the lot because DH did long hours too.

I think you should prepare the packed lunch at night and put it into the fridge. And I think oh have a very good partner there!

Lweji · 01/12/2015 08:40

When I was pregnant and had spd and could hardly do anything he took over all household tasks as well as going to work. He is good to me.

You think that's being good to you, when you were almost disabled having his child?
That was the bare minimum.

He's not disabled now.

I'm all for acts of kindness, but when they are acts of kindness, not out of obligation, or some form of repayment for him doing things he should have anyway. There in lies the danger. Frogs and hot pots. They tend to start small.
So, I might be nice and occasionally do it, say, when he's working late (does he really need to?) But not make it a rule.

DoreenLethal · 01/12/2015 08:42

I often cook extra for my OH's lunch, but if he pulled the 'people at work think' card it would be the last time.

Usually he puts porridge in a container with milk the night before and even sometimes remembers to take it in the morning.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 01/12/2015 08:43

I would have said make it sometimes or just make more of the evening meal for his packed lunch but then I read the post about his workmates thinking you should make it for him because you're on maternity leave and all of a sudden, I'm right back to 'let him make his own lunch'.

I accept your DH sounds lovely but his colleagues sound like sexist prats and I wouldn't be encouraging that.

I'd maybe do stealth lunch making ie make it sometimes but he is never allowed to speak of it to his workmates Grin

sorry that is probably no help. I did make DH's lunch sometimes when I was on ml and even hand delivered it to him on occasion but that was because I wanted to

Roussette · 01/12/2015 08:51

But marriage isn't a competition is it... I just find after three decades at it, that the more you put in with things like this, the more you get back. Not obligation, not repayment, nothing like that. But more a case of not having a set of scales that I continually look at and trying to keep those scales completely level as far as chores or stuff in daily life, that's just petty.

Sometimes I do more, sometimes he does, in the long run, it's all pretty equal and as long as you're not married to a lazy fecker, which you OP are obviously not, it's just being kind and fair to do it...

Llewj you say that the OP's DH doing all the household tasks when she was ill was the bare minimum? What more could he have done, he was doing it all!

CloakAndJagger · 01/12/2015 08:51

DH world full time. I don't work. Our DCs are school age.

He makes his own packed lunch. I'm not his mum.

Original poster
sleeplessinmybedroom · 01/12/2015 08:52

He won't be working with these people for much longer, don't want him coming back with more ideas.

OP posts:
OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 01/12/2015 08:57

DH goes to work with leftovers. He scoops his dinner out of the pan/tray/pot and puts it in his lunch box and chucks it in the fridge for the morning. Easy.

If we're having something that doesn't translate well to a lunch box I'll make him a quick sandwich. I'm a sahm and I'm the first to say I'm rarely rushed off my feet, I have a lot more free time than him. It's about give and take, isn't it?

However. If he came home and asked me why I don't do something for him because his colleagues' wives do it for them, I'd be at the very least questioning his intelligence and checking if his knuckles suddenly started dragging on the ground.

Janeymoo50 · 01/12/2015 08:57

Wow, I would certainly do it. Seems like he does more than his "fair share" when at home (not that it's a competition of course, except on MN at times), not sure what there is to hate about making someone a cheese sandwich every day (do it the afternoon before when doing your lunch for that day and stick it in the fridge). I wonder if the roles were reversed if he would do yours? I just think it's a nice gesture for someone working pretty long hours and is still chipping in with getting up in the nights too.

Kampeki · 01/12/2015 08:57

DH world full time. I don't work. Our DCs are school age.

He makes his own packed lunch. I'm not his mum.

I find this attitude odd tbh. Of course you're not his mum.

But he isn't your dad either, yet you're happy for him to go out and earn the money that presumably buys your lunch.

Because families are a team, they support each other in different ways.

I'm not saying you should make his lunch. Merely that I don't understand the "I'm not his mum" line of argument.

80sWaistcoat · 01/12/2015 08:58

Totally off point but just seen someone use the term 'leisure poo' on page 2, in the context of her DH having time to do that for 30 mins in morning he can make his own lunch. That's exactly what some blokes do, brilliant term.

We both work, if I'm making lunch for me I'll offer, if not, I won't.

CloakAndJagger · 01/12/2015 09:03

He's perfectly capable of making his own lunch kampeki. His working and bringing money into the house doesn't make me obliged to serve him as if I was his mother.

When I worked and he didn't, I made my own lunch too.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/12/2015 09:04

Does he work with my husband ? Grin

He came home last week commenting that people at work asked if I made his lunch for him. He was most insulted when I PMSL at the very idea.

I got the little boy face "it would be nice if you made my lunch for me, it wouldn't cost me a thought to make yours if you wanted one". So I felt about this _ big Sad

I hate making sandwiches. If I make one for myself it will be two slices of bread and some cheese and chutney or some meat. He makes these huge elaborate sandwiches, with lots of salad and sliced veg.

I'd happily make more dinner which he can take to work and reheat. That I don't mind. That's my concession to lunches. Grin

We both work FT but while he is making his sandwiches at 10pm the laundry fairy is running around sorting shit out and getting clothes out for the kids for the morning, so I felt bad for about 5 seconds Grin

Your DH sounds ace btw. If you have the time and can find the inclination I'd do it as a treat but I wouldn't set any expectations that it will be a daily event.

Original poster
sleeplessinmybedroom · 01/12/2015 09:05

What happens when I go back to work? Will I still be obliged to make his lunch? Mind you I will be making my own then as well.

OP posts:
shutupandshop · 01/12/2015 09:08

He should make hus own. Unless you have leftovers, bung in tub ta-da!

Mordirig · 01/12/2015 09:13

Kampeki I quite often tell DH I am not his mum, and just as often I tell DS (8) I am not his maid.

There are things I think you should be doing for yourself at a certain age, for DH it is making his own lunch and for DS it is taking his own plate into the kitchen.
I do not exist purely to serve and clean, I believe in encouraging healthy independence so I support them both by helping them to learn to look after themselves.
I'm not cruel, I nurse them when ill, I cook dinner every night, make sure birthdays and Christmases are magical and replace their holey socks and buy new underwear when needed.

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2015 09:17

What I don't understand is why people don't want to be kind to each other.

"All the other wives do it" "You should do it"- then no lunch for you, buster.

But otherwise what's wrong with doing something nice for someone who presumably does nice things for you? I like the idea of my Dp having something good to eat for lunch. He likes the idea of cooking me nice food at the weekends.

But then I hold the utterly heretical view that anyone who thinks being a SAHP is as hard as WOH has never had a particularly difficult or stressful job.

BertrandRussell · 01/12/2015 09:20

"What happens when I go back to work? Will I still be obliged to make his lunch? Mind you I will be making my own then as well."

You're not "obliged" now. When you go back to work you need to sort out very clearly who does what in the mornings or it will be full of chaos and resentment. Making lunches is one of those things. Decide that one of you does the baby's breakfast while the other makes both lunches. Or take turns. But be clear!

maybebabybee · 01/12/2015 09:23

I make my DP's when I'm off work, but I (a) love cooking and (b) he does pretty much every other bit of housework as I loathe cleaning.

It depends what divides you have in your household re: housework. I'd be pissed off if I was doing all cooking, ironing, washing and cleaning.

Don't think there's a right or wrong in this situation. I see me making my DP's lunch as a helpful, nice thing to do which doesn't put me out. But he doesn't expect it - if I said I was too busy etc he wouldn't give me a hard time for it.

motherinferior · 01/12/2015 09:28

I wouldn't make his lunch. I don't make anyone's lunch. Should the Inferiorettes require a packed lunch, they're quite old enough to make them (and they don't want me making them. I asked).

I've got a job. It isn't lunch-maker.

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