to ask about the general attitude to children with behavioural differences

[Francoitalialan]

Inspired by another thread, if you have ordinary non-special needs kids, especially of primary age, and there's a child at school displaying behaviour that's different to the norm, what conclusion do you reach?

Options may include

Not nice
Nasty
Product of crap parents
Rude
Spiteful
Dim
Annoying
Irritating
And also
Autistic spectrum disorder
Attention deficit disorder
Hyperactivity
Anxiety disorder
Dyspraxia
Sensory processing disorder
Auditory processing Disorder
Misphonia
Tourette's

Ad Infinitum.

Where do you generally place your opinion and why?

This thread is interesting, I haven't read it all, just parts of it. I know how people see ds1. I'm sure children in his class tell their parents about how he behaves sometimes. I know, actually, as one father told me "ah, yes, we hear all about how naughty ds1 is from our dd at the dinner table."

He is on the waiting list to be seen by camhs for ADHD and autism. I agree, daily life is exhausting, he needs to constantly be managed. I'm on the brink of not coping to be honest. And coupling that with other people's opinions of him, especially when they see me letting things go when they think I should be dealing with it. It's just one of a thousand daily battles and I can't fight them all.

I don't think people quite see how exhausting it can be, how hard it is to relax even in normal situations. Add onto that poor sleep which is common in a lot of children with special needs and the constant fighting against the system to get appointments or support and it is hardly any wonder that people are so exhausted.

Yes Sirzy.
I've been told several times that it's difficult and tiring for all people with children (with undertones of "what makes it worse for you?“)
It's not that I'm saying it's worse, and we don't have the school struggles that others have, apart from trying to get some scant support in place, but it's things like not being able to sit down as a family to watch a film, all evening we are mostly supervising ds2. Any time with the other dc needs to be carefully planned, so they feel sidelined. I don't want it to be like this, but I don't know how I can be spontaneous for them and give them the individual time they deserve. It's knowing that in 5, 10, 15 years they are probably going to resent us for prioritising ds2. But what else can we do? If we don't, we can't cope as a family and things are far worse.
It's having the same stressy issues with our NT dc, then the SN stuff on top of that.
Just his morning, ds started the morning fine and chirpy (unusually so), then suddenly flipped, started threatening his little brother, screeching, lashing out. I'm now sitting quietly with him as he watches YouTube, desperately needing the loo, but not being able to leave him as he'll kick off again and there's no-one else to watch him.

Hi again, I've just caught up with the thread, Thank You so much to all of those who have offered advice and kind words, I can't tell you how much it's meant to me to know that some people understand EXACTLY what I'm going through and how it feels (and the pointers it's given me to access more support are invaluable).

I guess I'm at the beginning of this road that some of you have travelled well and I just feel drained, tied and a little bit broken.

I always thought that when you had a child, you love them with all your heart and you nurture them and they grow up to be a delightful and productive human being who is a joy to be around because they were begat of one's loins, it transpires I was more than a little naive there, because love isn't enough for a child like DD, nothing is enough.

When a child is pulling your hair and shaking your head and screaming 'I HATE YOU, YOU ARE THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD' because you wouldn't let them have things exactly as they wanted you can't help but think, 'Have I caused this, what have I done to make this happen?'.

You think about attachment, and the glass of wine you had when you were pregnant and the times you put a DVD on instead of engaging in stimulating activities because you wanted to read a book.

And you know that when DD melts-down when we're out, people are looking and are judging and are taking all of those things and extrapolating a thousand times so that you are indeed a feckless waste of space who should never have procreated.

And that fucking hurts.

But you know, I BF that child until she was three, I ran the fucking mother and toddler group, I was the fucking go-to for arranging things, the mother who made the marvellous cakes and had the fantastic parties and dinners and people asked to cater for them. But life has shrunk, as DD's problems became more and more apparent people shied away, we lost friends, we had to change schools, DH had to give up a fledgling business because I couldn't have him away from home all the time. I have become smaller and scared of socialising because of DD's unpredictability in unfamiliar situations with unfamiliar people.

It's very hard.

And DS suffers because he can't have a normal social life, when we relocated he made a friend near where we're living now and came out of school one day so full of joy as they'd asked to meet him at the park, and so to see the disappointment and deflation in his eyes when I told him he couldn't go was terrible. He couldn't go because if he went without his sister that would have caused a melt-down of near biblical proportions, there is no way he could have gone with her even with me there as she would have attacked them both (she finds it very hard to cope with the idea of him having easy friendships, it's a real flash-point for her).

If I was a better person, a stronger person, maybe I would have said yes and dealt with the fallout by myself, but at the stage I'm at now I don't have the strength to deal with that, to be physically hurt and to have my house destroyed (again). Hopefully when I access more support we may be in the position to do things like that, to have spontaneous fun, but not now. And hopefully I'll be in a position to speak to some of the parents of the friends DS has made and explain to them why he can't, but as I do a quick pick up and run at the school gates now I just can't.

So I hope all those people (though thankfully they are few) that have seen fit to judge on this thread have a little fucking compassion the next time they see someone struggling with a 'badly behaved' child.

The worst we've had was when DD was at her previous small village school, she'd just had her first truly terrible incident there and had to be taken home early (this was before the 1:1 was implemented and latterly removed), DH took her in the next day and was met by a phalanx of mothers, essentially blocking his way and was told, 'I can't believe you've got the gall to show your face here', followed by threats to withdraw their children if DD stayed (she was five at the time, I'm crying remembering it), it was utterly horrible. Thankfully the Headmistress was made of sterner stuff and put a poster up the next day in the lobby that said 'There but for the grace of God go I' (even she was defeated by the LEA in the end though sadly).

You know, I've always been a fighter, always been the one to stand up and say, 'That ain't fucking right', I've always had the big cajones, and for the first time in my life I feel diminished and deflated and small.

So that's that.

Sorry for the essay, it was quite cathartic to get that all out.

And thank you again for this thread and all the wonderfully supportive and knowledgeable women on it. Time to find the cajones again I think!

Respect hound

You are an amazing mother. You have every right to feel drained and exhausted, who wouldn't? And brave. Courage doesn't always feel like courage, it feels like being small and overwhelmed. Sometimes just getting through the day needs all the courage there is. Remember to look after yourself too, when you get the chance.