to ask about the general attitude to children with behavioural differences

[Francoitalialan]

Inspired by another thread, if you have ordinary non-special needs kids, especially of primary age, and there's a child at school displaying behaviour that's different to the norm, what conclusion do you reach?

Options may include

Not nice
Nasty
Product of crap parents
Rude
Spiteful
Dim
Annoying
Irritating
And also
Autistic spectrum disorder
Attention deficit disorder
Hyperactivity
Anxiety disorder
Dyspraxia
Sensory processing disorder
Auditory processing Disorder
Misphonia
Tourette's

Ad Infinitum.

Where do you generally place your opinion and why?

I'm angry and defensive because I'm dealing with disablist ignorance like your posts, in real life.

Do you seriously think that it hasn't occurred to SN parents to set boundaries? How do you think we manage with our other NT kids? And what exactly might I feel guilty about? I didn't cause his autism.

Please do answer my questions. You posted to get a response and now you have one. And I'm listening.

Thorn :o

Im not any of those things, you didnt explain your situation properly in your first post. You asked an opinion and I came from a different perspective where so many kid these days are labelled with something due to their actual bad behaviour. You obviously have a child on the autistic spectrum which is totally different so don't be so bloody rude.

Sorry joining the thread late and not rtft

But wanted to join and say I hear you op my dd has recently been diagnosed with sensory processing difficulties and I feel like I have been judged many times when dd is rolling around on the floor screaming because of a minor injury or because she is wearing clothes that are really pjs because their is no other way to get out of the house!

My brother still thinks her 'fussiness' is down to me being too soft on her and my mum thinks I make it worse by acknowledging it

Pinotblush what you said was

No matter what the childs special needs are there is no excuse for rudeness or bad behaviour.

And that's bollocks. Utter bollocks.
And I don't care if you think I'm being rude, you can choose to take offence if you like, be my guest, but your post is ignorant, simplistic and insulting to parents of kids with Special Needs, and who may well behave in ways that can be perceived as "rude" or "bad".
And there's absolutely nothing we can do about it.

Don't you think we would LOVE for our children to be able to choose behaviour that's generally acceptable and helps them fit in, and be "normal" and popular? Don't you think we would gnaw our own limbs off, never mind set boundaries for life to just be easier?

And you still haven't answered a single one of my questions.

Those children labelled for their bad behaviour are quite possibly children who have been let down by experts who, rather than acknowledging issues, investigating them and supporting them, are often hellbent on blaming the parents. Much like you have.
Many children with ASD aren't easy to spot. Plenty wait until they are late teens before they get a diagnosis, so have gone through their childhood probably being labelled with something due to their actual bad behaviour.
Some of us had to wait until we were adults before we got a diagnosis, so have often gone through childhood bearing labels of odd, weird, naughty and worse.

You're entitled to your opinion of course, but we (the people who have likely battled the shit system and come out of it in tatters) are allowed to point out that you're wrong.

Franco

Other than autism then there isn't really. You have now said that your child is on the spectrum of this and his behaviour is understandable. You did not explain properly in your first post! Stop taking your frustration and anger out on me. I feel for you. My sister is head of an autistic unit.

It doesn't matter what I said in my OP, you still said No matter what the childs special needs are there is no excuse for rudeness or bad behaviour.

But apparently that now doesn't include autism. Back peddling much?

And as for "my sister is head of an autistic unit" so what? My brother is a pilot, I can't fly a plane!

You know, I've re-read your posts, and note that you refuse to answer questions asked but then decide to tell me that I'm angry and frustrated. Hmm. I do wonder whether you're getting some kind of kick out of posting such inflammatory ignorance?

My sister's a doctor, that doesn't give me instant medical credibility.
Not sure why your sister heading an ASD unit means you are an expert.

There are many conditions that can result in "bad" behaviour, rudeness, violence, not just ASD.

Take your anger out on someone else OP... Im off. There is still parenting riddled with guilt that does not help the matter.

What might any of us to feel guilty about? You haven't answered.

I've reported you for your disgusting disablist ignorant insulting views, and your goading, along with a suspicion that I think you're getting off on it.

Im not getting off on anything?

Report away.

I said I feel for you.

I said that a lot of behaviours are enhanced by guilt the parent feels.

You did not explain your situation at all in your opening post.

Franco I wouldn't believe that you are a bad parent at all. I have NT kids and I think it must be more difficult than any NT parent can imagine! That said having had my child physically abused by a child in his class continually (don't know if he had SN or not) if there is a violent child in my childs class I certainly wouldn't be pushing them to make friends with him if they didn't want to. And whether that child has SN or not it is irrelevant to me if my child is being abused. I don't know enough about children with SN but if it is known that the child is violent or disruptive enough to impact the other childrens education I think other forms of schooling need to be provided for the benefit of all involved.

so many kid these days are labelled with something due to their actual bad behaviour do you have any idea just how hard it is to get a label diagnosis?

Bit pissed off at myself that I've let myself be dragged in by the goading.
Some people won't listen.

Pinotblush go and read This is My Child. Go and fm do it now. And then hang your head in shame.

I don't care if you "feel for me". I don't need the good opinion of people with foolish views like yours.

I said that a lot of behaviours are enhanced by guilt the parent feels.

How are children's behaviours enhanced by parental guilt? What do you mean?

'I think though, that sometimes backing off, not challenging, not punishing is seen as "giving up" by parents of NT children, whereas to the parent of a challenging child it's "picking battles" and "doing the least worst thing".'

Absolutely agree with this.

pinotblush what do you mean by the 'guilt' that parents feel? Why should a parent feel guilty about their child's SN?

What has your sister got to do with this? Does she discuss her pupils with you?

It is when ds experiences the removal of his safe boundaries, timetables, rules and habits that his mask of a capable studious boy slips and his behaviour becomes angst ridden, he is tearful or belligerent and questioning. Most parents of ASD children in my very limited experience have to run to timetables, and have boundaries to keep their children on whatever even keel is possible. I would love to be spontaneous and carefree - but the dc find it too unsettling. So it would make me laugh to hear any one suggest my ds needed boundaries... He lives by them. So I have to deal with the fall out when school has a 'fun' non uniform day, or goes off timetable for a week of activities... when ds is a tight ball of tension by the end.

Dd1 is completely ruled by her tempestuous emotions she can go from the best day ever to the worst in one minute. I have rarely been able to change her behaviour through sanction or rewards, keep trying though. She is not violent or particularly disruptive but her ability to keep herself safe is probably akin to a 6 yo. She is not going to be having the same experience of adolescence as her NT peers, and she is struggling with wanting to wear make up and be grown up and not wanting to go to school because she will miss me and wanting to take a teddy bear to school as a comfort object. She is not the same she needs different tactics. It is soooo easy to make assumptions from the outside looking in I know people see a tall sobbing child who looks 12 flinging herself around like an out of control toddler they don't see a sensitive, exhausted 9 yo but a bratty girl.

'so many kid these days are labelled with something due to their actual bad behaviour'

Have you got any data to back up this sweeping generalisation? no BECAUSE IT'S BOLLOCKS
Did your sister tell you this?

I don't feel any guilt, pinotblush Not a bit.

However, if you would like to come and advise when both of mine are getting hysterical with each other over which fucking lights are on and off (and it's only some exhausted and resigned, but otherwise brilliant and inspired parenting that prevents me from gleefully, without a jot of guilt, knocking their heads together) then be my guest.

I suggest you do a bit of reading around, first, though. Some stuff by experts, rather than someone who works in a school. I used to work in a school. I'm embarrassed by how clueless I was.