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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be narked a grown woman is texting my 11yo ds?

405 replies

OiledBegg · 27/11/2015 18:30

Myself and my 11yo ds's father are divorced but have a great co-parenting relationship.

Through a hobby, exH is friends with a woman who is in her mid 30s and married. No children.

Ds is also involved with this hobby so has met this woman many times and they get on well and see each other frequently. She bought him a little bday present which I thought was sweet.

For ds's bday a week ago he got his first mobile phone. Mainly to keep in touch with the parent he isn't with that particular weekend, and to get him used to keeping in touch with us ready for when he's older and more independent.

ExH clearly gave this woman ds's number as she's been texting him a few times in the last week.

The first message was some quote from a film/series that I don't know of which was "hey baby, you smell good you been bathing in cupcakes and rainbows again?"

Then he replied, and she text back with "now you have my number you contact me if you need to, about anything at all ok?xxx"

Aibu to find this annoying, and feel kinda undermined as his mother? The other texts are just "morning! Have a good day at school!" and stuff like that.

Also is this even appropriate behaviour? What if ds were a girl and this adult friend were male, surely it'd be majorly off so why is it different that he's a boy?

Or am I being jealous and precious and totally overreacting?

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 30/11/2015 17:58

Good luck for the conversation OP.

CreepingDogFart · 30/11/2015 18:01

Make sure you somehow evidence the messages on another device in case you need them.

BreadEyes · 30/11/2015 18:13

gosh i think you should talk to your ex about that at least

goodnightdarthvader1 · 30/11/2015 19:10

Does your son know you're checking his phone? Is he likely to delete anything suspect?

Homebird8 · 30/11/2015 19:14

Hate to think any paedophile reading threads like this could get an insight into how we think as parents and information that could make things easier for them.

MN is not where people might go for details of how to groom. If they want that stuff it is available elsewhere. If we aren't informed, then those who have the information with ill intent are carrying a loaded weapon with no mechanism to detect it.

Asherella · 30/11/2015 21:43

(NC as this is the first foray back into MN after the hacking )

I think it could be very naive to assume that if this woman is in, or aiming to be in, a relationship with the OP's ex that she is therefore innocent of any inappropriate intentions towards the child.

Stories of step-parents and new partners abusing children are so common. Sexuality is a spectrum not an either/or proposition. Just because you have a relationship with adults doesn't rule you out as a pedophile

And while there have been plenty of suggestions that she might be using the son to get to the father, what about using the father to get to the son?

It gets a bit more complicated to deal with the situation if she is involved with the DH but as a mum I don't think I'd be lowering my guard even if the DH thinks everything is ok.

I can understand not wanting to make a fool of oneself with the police. I'd feel the same so I'd probably approach them by saying that I really didn't know where to start and the whole thing seemed off and see where that got me.

So what if everyone thinks you are the ex from hell? If I were woman harboring intentions towards a child, I'd probably think twice if his mother was watching me, if the police were checking me out.

Senpai · 30/11/2015 22:14

Hate to think any paedophile reading threads like this could get an insight into how we think as parents and information that could make things easier for them.

The number one danger to children? Their parents. Parents are statistically the most likely to prostitute and abuse their own children. They already have an insight to how parents think, because most of them are parents. and I'm so not interested in pedo vs child abuser. It's like differentiating between corn shit and lumpy shit, it's all shit just the same

Barring that, there's also the darkweb where pedos can and do exchange information on how to drug children without it being detected on tests so they can abuse them in their sleep, and much more information that no one really wants to think about. These aren't stupid people who need tips from MN. These are predators that are very good at what they do.

pieceofpurplesky · 30/11/2015 23:52

Sen my post had a typo and should not have had a full stop in front of the and! Should have read "why a grown woman was watching a kids to show and texting an (unrelated) 11 year old about it. It's just a tad creepy to me - especially the reference.
I am a total geek and love all the stereotypical male stuff - Star Wars, marvel, gadgets and gun games!

Senpai · 30/11/2015 23:55

Piece Oh.. That makes sense! :)

I got a bit defensive because I do happen to like geeky things and some kid shows. Brew

Aramynta · 01/12/2015 10:09

I hope it went as well as it could OP. What does your ExH think of this then?

Original poster
OiledBegg · 01/12/2015 20:14

It went okay. My exH never really reacts to anything, and didn't seem shocked or surprised or say anything that hinted that's how he was feeling, but that's him all over... (And partly why he's an ex!) I had to say please can you have a word with her about how these messages can be misconstrued and that they aren't appropriate. He agreed. I also asked him to let me know when this has been done. Also it turns out that exH offered HER the number! I checked phone again this morning, no more messages just the old message thread there. I don't think ds has worked out that messages can even be deleted so I doubt anything has been sent and subsequently deleted.

I'll be keeping a watchful eye, and will give exH til end of this weekend to let me know she's been spoken to. If he hasn't done it I will be doing it myself. And if there are any more texts received I will also talk to her myself.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 01/12/2015 20:20

He offered her the number, unsolicited... Hmm.
Is he able to explain just why he did that??

wallshaveeyes · 01/12/2015 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CreepingDogFart · 01/12/2015 20:32

^ Inappropriate

mathanxiety · 01/12/2015 20:33

NettleTea, I am wondering how old your DD is?

PootlewasthebestFlump · 01/12/2015 20:41

Someone is busy trying to post inappropriate posts on as many threads as possible tonight, aren't they? Maybe find a new hobby, Walls...

PootlewasthebestFlump · 01/12/2015 20:46

Oh and well done for speaking with your Ex, OP. Not an easy subject to broach.

Original poster
OiledBegg · 01/12/2015 20:49

He didn't really give an explanation for giving the number he just said it felt natural after telling her he'd got a phone, to then offer the number seeing as they all see each other so often. I didn't want to prod or prove anymore as to why as its done now, and didn't want to get his back up in any way.
Thanks pootle it was on my mind all day so glad it's done, just hope it's nipped in the bud now.

OP posts:
Original poster
OiledBegg · 01/12/2015 20:50

Probe not prove!

OP posts:
flanjabelle · 01/12/2015 20:50

Seeing as all of walls posts on different threads have been deleted by mnhq, I think we can safely say they are a troll.

mathanxiety · 01/12/2015 21:02

I would be very surprised if he says anything to this woman as they are clearly in a relationship.

If not then he had absolutely no business giving out DS's number. Pedophiles target the parent first. They assess the level of parental gormlessness or neediness or inability to confront -- they push until they find someone without boundaries and then they worm their way into the child's life.

NettleTea · 01/12/2015 23:41

math my daughter is just turned 15, but quite socially young. She also has aspergers, but says that 'you can talk to me' from an opposite sex adult is akin to 'its our secret' as one of the red flag type comments to watch out for.

Mmmmcake123 · 01/12/2015 23:44

OP, I'm so glad you feel settled with the explanation. This post has become a little bit wired which must have been quite stressful Flowers
Just for 'you never quite know though' purposes I hope you have screenshots!
Cake

Floggingmolly · 02/12/2015 00:06

Where has op said she feels settled with the explanation? She'd be extremely unwise to feel anything of the sort, cake.

mathanxiety · 02/12/2015 01:27

Thank you NettleTea.

I am now very concerned that the OP's DS has very inadequate boundaries. He should have talked to him mum about this woman texting him and about what she was saying. That he didn't suggests that she may have asked him to keep it secret (in which case he should have understood that he didn't have to) or that he is quite vulnerable to inappropriate adult attention.

OP I think 'nipped in the bud' is a premature assessment of this situation.

If this was a daughter of yours, and a man was texting the same phrases to her, how would you feel?

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