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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be narked a grown woman is texting my 11yo ds?

405 replies

OiledBegg · 27/11/2015 18:30

Myself and my 11yo ds's father are divorced but have a great co-parenting relationship.

Through a hobby, exH is friends with a woman who is in her mid 30s and married. No children.

Ds is also involved with this hobby so has met this woman many times and they get on well and see each other frequently. She bought him a little bday present which I thought was sweet.

For ds's bday a week ago he got his first mobile phone. Mainly to keep in touch with the parent he isn't with that particular weekend, and to get him used to keeping in touch with us ready for when he's older and more independent.

ExH clearly gave this woman ds's number as she's been texting him a few times in the last week.

The first message was some quote from a film/series that I don't know of which was "hey baby, you smell good you been bathing in cupcakes and rainbows again?"

Then he replied, and she text back with "now you have my number you contact me if you need to, about anything at all ok?xxx"

Aibu to find this annoying, and feel kinda undermined as his mother? The other texts are just "morning! Have a good day at school!" and stuff like that.

Also is this even appropriate behaviour? What if ds were a girl and this adult friend were male, surely it'd be majorly off so why is it different that he's a boy?

Or am I being jealous and precious and totally overreacting?

OP posts:
Keeptrudging · 29/11/2015 11:29

The police certainly wouldn't be laughing at you for going to them about this. It looks like grooming and they would take it seriously. Who knows, this woman may have other children's numbers too.

Re women not generally doing this sort of thing, I know 2 (not linked) men who were abused by women when they were children . Neither of them went to the police. Both have been very damaged by it. Part of that is that neither of them felt able to access help because they were men and these things 'generally' don't happen.

fuzzpig · 29/11/2015 11:36

I think you will have to be careful how you word the conversation with your ex. Unfortunately, there is a possibility that he will think you are just stirring because you are jealous. It shouldn't be like that because as you say you are comfortably separated, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if - whether or not they are having an affair - they just think you are the bitter ex who can't handle the fact he's moving on IYSWIM. I can foresee a situation where they are laughing at you for coming up with ridiculous stories to try and get her out of the picture, and your concerns will be ignored and invalidated. Hopefully I'm being needlessly paranoid/overthinking, but it's something to be aware of.

Jasonandyawegunorts · 29/11/2015 11:43

Why haven't you logged this with the police?

Baconyum · 29/11/2015 11:49

Senpai my reading comprehension is fine thanks, got a degree and post grad to prove that.

Your tone was dismissive of women on boy sa.

Grooming IS a crime and the police are well trained to recognise it. In addition they recognise how difficult it is for a parent to deal with. They CERTAINLY wouldn't laugh at the op.

Gotta say I too would not have waited this long to take action. Stuff what the ex might think! Surely the CHILD is the priority?

Excited101 · 29/11/2015 12:10

Women can be paederfiles too...this screams of grooming

Hepzibar · 29/11/2015 12:18

OP most police forces have specific depart for dealing with CSE.

You should be able to google the contact details for yours.

They are made up of police and social workers who are trained to deal with grooming and work with prevention and those identified who maybe at risk of CSE and also the victims.

My experience of our local team is first class.

If you don't feel comfortable at this stage reporting direct to the police, contact your CSE tea am they will advise you.

differentnameforthis · 29/11/2015 12:30

If you are concerned about contact between an adult & a child, it is not wrong to consider it could be grooming. The messages may never become explicit, or the damage is already done by the time they have.

I am NOT implying that this is definitely a grooming case, but posters saying that police won't take this (or something like this) seriously until the messages are explicit, are wrong.

I was 15 when an older guy asked if I wanted him to buy me a record (that's how long it was, I'm over 40 now .. I said no to his offer, and gave me his address...the police took that seriously & went around to see him! They told him that his actions were inappropriate etc etc. So if they will act on that, why not this??

Sansoora · 29/11/2015 12:35

I think the EX is in a relationship with the woman and the initial text was meant for him and not the OP's son. Except the woman went on to say "now you have my number you contact me if you need to, about anything at all ok?xxx" so no, I don't think it was intended for op's ex at all.

she could have said that to hide the fact it was meant for his dad.

I do agree she is trying to win the lads trust but not for the reasons people are hinting at. I think she very much wants to be his stepmum and is buttering him from now.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 29/11/2015 12:36

That doesn't explain why she's still texting him daily. You're reaching.

FormerlyKnownasFK · 29/11/2015 13:41

First off I'd speak to your ex and find out if he did give her your DS number. Maybe she asked DS for it under some pretext.

Also - shes married - again something to discuss with your ex, is she trying to use DS to get to your ex without it being obvious?

Best to have a united front if possible - it would be good if you could say "both ex and I find your messages inappropriate etc"

Otherwise just send it from you but make sure ex knows everything and make sure she knows he does, too, as he is the adult who will be present when DS and this woman next meet.

amarmai · 29/11/2015 16:28

op after reading the people who have worked with this particular type of abuse i am worried that if this woman is courting your ex to get to your son and if your ex does not come on board with how to deal with this , then you may be handicapped in stopping this. So now i am thinking get police advice first as they are more knowledgeable in how these matters work and hopefully there is a male officer who cd explain to your son with you and your ex present what is going on. My other thought is disappear the phone or step on it or get him an upgrade with a new # after your son has been clued in by the police and have the police get your ex and your son to agree not to give out his # and also agree that you are to have full access for safe guarding.

Jackie0 · 29/11/2015 18:17

You don't need to wait for acrime to be committed to get help from the police, they prevent crime too. No one is going to laugh at you.
I wouldn't hesitate , this is your son.

Senpai · 29/11/2015 19:31

Senpai my reading comprehension is fine thanks, got a degree and post grad to prove that.

Then act accordingly, and don't put words in my mouth. If you can't use your degree in practical application then it is writ on water.

Your tone was dismissive of women on boy sa.

No, it was stating statistics. Statistically it is not likely. That is a fact, whether that's palatable with your anecdotal evidence or not. I never said it shouldn't be taken seriously, just that it wasn't likely. I also said it was inappropriate and needed to stop. Again, reading comprehension problems, Ms. I-have-a-degree.

Grooming IS a crime and the police are well trained to recognise it. In addition they recognise how difficult it is for a parent to deal with. They CERTAINLY wouldn't laugh at the op.

Yes, it is a crime. However, OP has not asked OW to stop. She has not expressed discomfort.

It will be logged as a paper trail, but until the messages get sexual the police have nothing. It is innocent until proven guilty, and texts quoting a cartoon and telling him to have a good day prove only that she is obnoxious.

Gotta say I too would not have waited this long to take action. Stuff what the ex might think! Surely the CHILD is the priority?

Exactly. The child takes priority.

That means taking measured steps such as talking to her ex about it, and talking to her child about dangers of grooming, appropriate adult behavior, and never going alone with someone he's uncomfortable with. If she over reacts, her child may well end up hiding texts from her. The ex could very easily discredit OP as she is his ex getting upset there's another woman.

Unfortunately life doesn't actually work by MN logic where if you just stamp your feet hard enough and rampage like a bull in a china shop things get solved because right always triumphs. Real life is messy, and it doesn't work like that as much as you'd like it to.

The best thing she can do is keep her "enemies" close, so that if OW does do something, she'll know about it. But alienating her son, or convincing him he'll be the cause of something bad happening to her if he tells is just going to push him to keep secrets. Or she'll convince him his mother just doesn't get them, and his mother is crazy. After all, has she propositioned him yet?

As someone who apparently works with these cases, you should already know this and how tricky it is to actually prosecute these cases. The OP has no good evidence, and you know it. You're giving her impetuous advice that will keep her in the dark from this point on.

This is her family we're talking about, not a witch hunt. Not a holy war. Not a cause for righteous outrage. She's doing the right thing by gathering information she needs.

Kilicat · 29/11/2015 20:18

Apologies but I've not had time to read through all of this thread but I didn't want to read it and just leave.

As a mother you have the responsibility to protect your DS and you are clearly concerned about these text messages. I believe you should be very concerned about them (and really not just 'narked' as per the title of the thread). As a teacher I've had loads of safeguarding training and this is definitely not ok. Even if the texts were simply about this shared hobby I don't think that's ok, but the examples you give are highly concerning. Even if this lady's intentions are not sinister I do believe that this needs to be cleared up. My DH was sexually abused as a seven year old and the effects last a life time. Ruffling a few feathers and risking upsetting a few people will potentially make people feel awkward for a couple of weeks at the most - if it really is innocent then it'll probably be cleared up and all forgotten very swiftly. If it turns out to not be innocent then you will be left feeling intensely guilty for the rest of your life, and the consequences to your ds don't bear thinking about. To not pursue this could also potentially be considered neglect if you are aware of it and disturbed enough by it to be on Mumsnet discussing it.

If you are uncomfortable about going to the police then I would suggest contacting ds's school and asking to speak to the Designated Safeguarding Lead (until recently the safeguarding officer) as they will know the best way to proceed (i.e. whether to contact the police etc.) and should be happy to discuss things that happen both in school and out of school. However, by contacting the police you are not necessarily reporting the lady - you would be contacting a specialist team for advice in the first instance surely? They can probably give you advice on the best way to deal with the situation.

LemonBreeland · 29/11/2015 20:32

I can't believe I've just read 13 pages of this and nothing has been done yet. I have a 12 year old DS and I would be going nuts about this.

iMatter · 29/11/2015 20:44

Yy Lemon.

X 1000

jipjap · 29/11/2015 20:45

Hmm OP, why haven't you acted on this yet?

pieceofpurplesky · 29/11/2015 20:45

Why would a grown woman be watching adventure time? She is after you ex and using your kid to get to him .... My ex had a friend like that. It verged on sexual harassment of his eldest (my ss). Ex ended up with her for a while after we split (a lot to do with her massaging his mid life ego) but (obviously) it ended. Lost his home, wife (me), respect of his kids .... I believe she is now shagging a man whose wife has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness as he 'needs her support' and she understands him ... Maybe it's the same woman OP!!

AnyFucker · 29/11/2015 21:10

OP, has anyone suggested you contact ceop yet ?

They will guide you. Please do not do nothing.

Gruntfuttock · 29/11/2015 21:14

OP's post @ Sun 29-Nov-15 08:34:44 explained clearly what she plans to do and, for what it's worth, I agree with her plan of action.

RJnomore1 · 29/11/2015 21:18

I watch adventure time and I'm 39 Blush in fairness it was my kids got me into it.

pieceofpurplesky · 29/11/2015 21:27

Adventure time is great nomore but op said the woman has no kids and I only watch it when DS does, honest

DadWasHere · 29/11/2015 21:43

Why would a grown woman be watching adventure time?

What should a grown woman be watching for acceptance then, brain dead soapies and shallow game shows? Adventure time is a brilliant and creative show, I know the quote that started this thread and the entire context of the episode it came from, our whole family does. Its a show that will foster intelligence and morality in children, and there are very, very few cartoon shows like that around, its suitable for ages 11-12 up.

However the context its being used in here, with the messaging and all, is downright weird. Many possible things occur to me, from OK but socially inept through misguided to downright sinister. But exactly why this is happening requires context and the ex husband should be the point of call for this. He should be made 100% aware of exactly what the woman is doing because he himself may find it very odd.

unimaginativename13 · 29/11/2015 21:48

Might have missed this bit but please do not block numbers like this. If they want to talk they will so you could drive the messaging underground via other messenger sites or email. Or worse some like that could provide a separate mobile.

I read some details of the case where that young boy was groomed by another older boy and lured him to the house to kill him. His mother confiscated the computer and did everything she could to stop communication but it still happened. He sent a mobile phone etc , and it seemed the more the mum tried to stop it the more he tried.

Go to the police.

jipjap · 29/11/2015 22:44

OP ???