To be narked a grown woman is texting my 11yo ds?

[OiledBegg]

Myself and my 11yo ds's father are divorced but have a great co-parenting relationship.

Through a hobby, exH is friends with a woman who is in her mid 30s and married. No children.

Ds is also involved with this hobby so has met this woman many times and they get on well and see each other frequently. She bought him a little bday present which I thought was sweet.

For ds's bday a week ago he got his first mobile phone. Mainly to keep in touch with the parent he isn't with that particular weekend, and to get him used to keeping in touch with us ready for when he's older and more independent.

ExH clearly gave this woman ds's number as she's been texting him a few times in the last week.

The first message was some quote from a film/series that I don't know of which was "hey baby, you smell good you been bathing in cupcakes and rainbows again?"

Then he replied, and she text back with "now you have my number you contact me if you need to, about anything at all ok?xxx"

Aibu to find this annoying, and feel kinda undermined as his mother? The other texts are just "morning! Have a good day at school!" and stuff like that.

Also is this even appropriate behaviour? What if ds were a girl and this adult friend were male, surely it'd be majorly off so why is it different that he's a boy?

Or am I being jealous and precious and totally overreacting?

I hope your ex backs you up OP.

I would have phoned her up and asked what the hell she was playing at. Definitely inappropriate. Goodness knows what she is thinking.

Yes CEOP way to go. I have contacted them in past. They visited me before and after visiting the person who I queried about, who apparently hadn't realised how it may look etc.
whatever ,name is now logged for next person they are grooming. I see it as duty to protect other children. Grooming works on that feeling of being unsure as to whether you are imagining a problem that isn't there etc. trust instincts.

CEOP are very good.

Dadwas I am not disputing that adventure time is a good show or that a woman should watch soaps. What I queried was why a woman (with no children) was watching a kids to show. And texting an 11 year old about it. As you said it is bizarre

OP, why haven't you acted on this yet?

Just because she hasn't updated the thread doesn't mean she hasn't acted on it. She has talked to her family, she has decided how she's going to tackle it.

She does not need to update us throughout. She's not here for our entertainment. It's not a soap opera.

What I queried was why a woman (with no children) was watching a kids to show.

My child did not change my love of Disney and Pixar movies. I just have a better excuse to watch them. I too am a full grown woman who likes certain cartoons Adventure Time and My Little Pony being two of them. I also like action movies because -gasp- I enjoy them, not to cozy up to men.

Not the point of the thread, but you can enjoy things not geared towards your demographic and be normal. Just like grown men can like Star Wars or comic books sigh, or My Little Pony and still be perfectly normal.

Texting a child is sketchy. But again, the OP needs to collect information and carefully talk to the right resources to get advice that is actually grounded in reality. We just have a tiny fraction of the story.

Hope no more messages today

Why has nothing been done.

Hate to think any paedophile reading threads like this could get an insight into how we think as parents and information that could make things easier for them.

www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Child-Sexual-Abuse-6-Stages-of-Grooming

The victim is targeted
The offender targets a victim by sizing up the child's vulnerability—emotional neediness, isolation and lower self-confidence. Children with less parental oversight are more desirable prey.
Your DS is involved in a hobby where adults have contact with him. He is 11.

Gaining the Victim's Trust
The sex offender gains trust by watching and gathering information about the child, getting to know his needs and how to fill them. In this regard, sex offenders mix effortlessly with responsible caretakers because they generate warm and calibrated attention..
She is known to your exH, and they all spend time together.

Filling a Need
Once the sex offender begins to fill the child's needs, that adult may assume noticeably more importance in the child's life and may become idealized. Gifts, extra attention, affection may distinguish one adult in particular and should raise concern and greater vigilance to be accountable for that adult
In this case the woman has created a need -- telling him he can talk to her any time. This is forging an emotional relationship that is private and apart from any relationship the woman has with DS's parents. You do not know what sort of flattery or other manipulation this woman may have used on your DS.

Isolating the Child
The grooming sex offender uses the developing special relationship with the child to create situations in which they are alone together. This isolation further reinforces a special connection. Babysitting, tutoring, coaching and special trips all enable this isolation.

A special relationship can be even more reinforced when an offender cultivates a sense in the child that he is loved or appreciated in a way that others, not even parents, provide. Parents may unwittingly feed into this through their own appreciation for the unique relationship
Obviously the viewing of programmes together creates a bond, as does engaging in the hobby, and your exH gave her DS's number. Telling him he can talk about anything, any time, with her, is isolating him from you and his father and inserting herself into a preeminent place in his life.

Sexualising the Relationship
At a stage of sufficient emotional dependence and trust, the offender progressively sexualizes the relationship. Desensitization occurs through talking, pictures, even creating situations (like going swimming) in which both offender and victim are naked. At that point, the adult exploits a child's natural curiosity, using feelings of stimulation to advance the sexuality of the relationship.
Then the bond becomes sexualised. The quote from the cartoon was most definitely sexual in the way it was used.

Maintaining Control
Once the sex abuse is occurring, offenders commonly use secrecy and blame to maintain the child's continued participation and silence—particularly because the sexual activity may cause the child to withdraw from the relationship.

Children in these entangled relationships—and at this point they are entangled—confront threats to blame them, to end the relationship and to end the emotional and material needs they associate with the relationship..

OP started this thread on Friday evening, updated it with her planned course of action late Saturday afternoon and answered a couple more questions Sunday morning.

She's not doing nothing for days on end!

Cake, if you think that's a concern, do report the thread and see if MNHQ agrees.

The rainbows / cup-cakes stuff might be her having fun trying to reclaim her lost youth being all "down with the kids" type thing! She might just think she's talking to him on a level he understands. But still, I would call her OP. I'd tell her that if the sexes were reversed it would be concerning and possibly conceived as 'grooming'. She ought to get it!

Talk to your son too. That's much more difficult as you don't want him thinking you're just jealous or trying to stop him growing up. Hopefully he'll get it too, that it's just an inappropriate way for an adult to behave!

Best of luck with that.

We watch Adventure Time a lot at home. It's a sophisticated programme and it does cover themes of romance and relationships, often in a very insightful way, and there are love affairs and unrequited love etc. BUT if you wanted to show you were down with the kids by quoting from AT, there are a million more fun, straightforward ways to do that. The quote she chose was deliberately intimate and like what someone in a relationship would say.

Hate to think any paedophile reading threads like this could get an insight into how we think as parents and information that could make things easier for them.

I don't think this should be a worry actually - I think the more we discuss, inform each other and know what to be aware of, the more everyone knows and understands, the better for our DC. Paedophiles thrive on secrecy and people's willingness to turn a blind eye or refuse to think the unthinkable. Threads like this are informative and important IMO.

It's absolutely sickening that people behave in the way described above by math and guarding against that does mean some nice people who just enjoy spending time with kids and care about them can't enjoy that so innocently as they may have before this was more recognised. As a kid I spent a lot of time with my elderly male neighbour who liked children, just chatting and watching TV. Nowadays you might think twice about allowing that. It's very sad but better than allowing one of these predators to abuse a child.

I think she is grooming your DS. If my DS ever received texts like those I would be going to the police they are totally inappropriate and minimising them just because its a woman is dangerous. This is how female groomers get away with it.

It would never occur to me to send text like those. My friend has a 12 year old daughter who is going through some shite at the moment and also lost her dad to suicide. Me and her daughter get on well, she's great with my DS and my friends kids, and they have asked for my number so she has another person to chat to if she needs to. I will only be talking to her via text/phone when she instigates it and no other times. Those texts are just bizarre and flirty.

Senpai perfectly good degree from a perfectly good Uni that I've been using for many years.

Which stats are you quoting? I didn't see you give any refs. If you're referring to convictions (or even reports or prosecutions) we're all well aware how low they are even for female victims.

One study believes based on reports and requests for counselling once the victim reaches adulthood that there may be as many as 32,000 female paedophiles in the uk. Ceop estimates slightly higher at around 40,000. Then bear in mind they are likely to abuse more than 20 victims before they come to anyone's attention if they ever do.

Nice to see that the snarky, prodding comments have started about how the OP should be 'doing something' and keeping everyone updated with lots of action. Very unsupportive.

If I was the OP I wouldn't return to this thread. It's turned from sensible and impartial advice to aggressive and hectoring, with a distasteful element of rubbernecking over involvedness. Not helpful when you're in a sensitive and worrying situation.

Grooming?! WTF. I agree the texts are a bit odd but that's a very large conclusion to jump to.

It's grooming behaviour, whether she intends to groom him or not.

I have just seen this thread. I hope your ds got home safely and you managed to talk to the ex.

If I were you I'd try to have a sensible conversation with your ds, let him know the dangers and make him aware of why you are worried. I think if you just swoop in and block this women, you could push your ds towards her as he might think you are over reacting, and if she is a groomer (I really hope she isn't) then she could use this as ammunition.

I hope she's just an idiot women who has issues with boundaries.

Ds is home, checked his phone and no new messages from her. Although they all met up yesterday for the shared hobby they all do. ExH is coming over later when Ds is at a separate club, going to talk to him.

Well done OP

That seems wise. My DD watches adventure time, and she felt that both the 'you can talk to me' and the particular quote from AT were 'creepy'

Make sure you check emails, Facebook messenger, what's app or any other way of sending private messages.