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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be narked a grown woman is texting my 11yo ds?

405 replies

OiledBegg · 27/11/2015 18:30

Myself and my 11yo ds's father are divorced but have a great co-parenting relationship.

Through a hobby, exH is friends with a woman who is in her mid 30s and married. No children.

Ds is also involved with this hobby so has met this woman many times and they get on well and see each other frequently. She bought him a little bday present which I thought was sweet.

For ds's bday a week ago he got his first mobile phone. Mainly to keep in touch with the parent he isn't with that particular weekend, and to get him used to keeping in touch with us ready for when he's older and more independent.

ExH clearly gave this woman ds's number as she's been texting him a few times in the last week.

The first message was some quote from a film/series that I don't know of which was "hey baby, you smell good you been bathing in cupcakes and rainbows again?"

Then he replied, and she text back with "now you have my number you contact me if you need to, about anything at all ok?xxx"

Aibu to find this annoying, and feel kinda undermined as his mother? The other texts are just "morning! Have a good day at school!" and stuff like that.

Also is this even appropriate behaviour? What if ds were a girl and this adult friend were male, surely it'd be majorly off so why is it different that he's a boy?

Or am I being jealous and precious and totally overreacting?

OP posts:
stealtheatingtunnocks · 28/11/2015 17:50

What about keeping a low threshold for telling the police? From my documentary viewing granted, not scientific it seems that paedophiles hide in plain sight.

Buxtonstill · 28/11/2015 17:54

Don't start laying honey traps, changing phones, pretending to be your son. It would be totally inadmissible evidence if you wanted to take this further for whatever reason.
Leave tactics like that to the professionals.

3littlebadgers · 28/11/2015 20:16

Hi op I hope the talk with ds's father goes well. I hope he can see your point of view and the best action for DS is decided upon. Flowers Please keep us posted.

iMatter · 28/11/2015 20:21

I've been lurking and have given this a lot of thought.

I have an 11 year old ds.

I would be discussing this with the police. In a heart beat.

paddypants13 · 28/11/2015 20:43

I'm with imatter, I've been mulling this over and I would also take the matter to the police. If another adult sent me the message about smelling of cupcakes and rainbows I would think they were flirting with me. I'm sure your son doesn't realise but she is definitely trying to gain his trust.

Interestingly, I spoke to DH about this and he said he wouldn't be concerned and he is normally the cynical one whereas I take people at face value.

I'm sure your son is a lovely lad but why on Earth would a woman in her 30s who is not connected to him in any way want to talk to him about anything other than their mutual hobby and if she needs to get in touch she should do it via his father.

I would be very wary of this woman trying to drive a wedge between your DS and EXH and I would have a long talk with them both.

I don't envy you OP what a difficult situation. Flowers

Senpai · 28/11/2015 21:02

Why do you think sleeping with a high school boy is acceptable? Why are they not just as much victims as a high school girl that's been groomed by a much older man? It is JUST as traumatic JUST as damaging AND just as illegal!

Where did I say a woman sexually abusing a boy was ok? Hmm

Reading comprehension is your friend.

I said it was rare, and the most you really hear of in that aspect is a woman sleeping with a high school boy. Meaning, her young DS being groomed is unlikely, not impossible, just unlikely.

I also said she needed to put a stop to it because it was inappropriate.

Tamponlady · 28/11/2015 21:14

I have two teens who are in my phone who are not my children one is my best friends child and that is for him to contact me if he's ever in trouble and can't get hold of mum and another is my sons friend who put in in my contact so he can ring him free and we have the same provider under no circumstances would I txt my sons friend and I can't think of many reasons why I would contact my friends son and I would always let her no I had done so with the context of the text

It's very odd if that happened to my 15 year old I would be getting oh to have a word

Slutbucket · 28/11/2015 21:31

I would approach this in a very specific way with your ex. I would ask him if he is in a relationship with this woman. It would explain a lot and is the most likely reason for the texts. You are then opening up the conversation in the least controversial way and probably get your ex more on side. What you don't want is for the communication to go underground.

SmellyFartado · 28/11/2015 22:56

Wtf?

  1. Screenshots of all messages and then block from son's phone
  2. Call police asap - this is grooming. Red flags all over the content of messages.
  3. Ex H - why the fuck is he giving out son's number?
  4. Alert school to warn them of her and this wholly inappropriate behaviour
manicinsomniac · 29/11/2015 00:39

Very very inappropriate.

I think the scenario where she wants to be with your ex and wants to get your son on side is more likely than her grooming him for sexual reasons but, even so, either explanation is highly inappropriate. If it's the first she needs telling and if it's the second she obviously needs charging!

I can only think of 2 possibilities that exonerate her behaviour in any way at all (and even then not much):

  1. she is not childless by choice. She values your ex as a close friend and has got close to your son through him. She feels maternal towards him in the absence of any other children to feel maternal towards.

  2. she and your son might have had a conversation about him fancying a girl at school and not knowing what to say to her. She might have told him to use some kind of cheesy quote to make her laugh and he might have asked for an example. Maybe she said, I'll have a think and text you tomorrow. Then did without giving the explanation because they'd already talked about it. But, even if it is something like that, it's incredibly stupid of her not to realise what it would look like.

Your ex needs to investigate this sooner than asap. I'd be telling him to do it straightaway or I'd be going to the police.

mathanxiety · 29/11/2015 04:28

I wouldnt dream of telling a child who I know very well that they can come and talk to me about anything. Not at 11 years old anyway. I'be encouraging them to talk to either of their parents.
SongofTheLark, YYY.

OP, are you not going to the police with this then?

Original poster
OiledBegg · 29/11/2015 08:34

I'm not going to the police just yet, because as someone else mentioned, no crime has been committed and I is he a feeling I'd be laughed off the phone but saying my sons has received odd text messages. If they had been openly sexual it'd be a different matter. I'm waiting to speak to ds dad first before planning any further action, see what he says.
Ds is away this weekend but will be back with me tomorrow after school and I'll be checking his phone again of course.

OP posts:
OneMoreCasualty · 29/11/2015 08:37

Grooming messages wouldn't be openly sexual, OP, and the police should know that.

Singsongsungagain · 29/11/2015 08:49

Don't underestimate the police opinion of grooming OP. They will not dismiss you out of hand, and even if they don't want to pursue it, it will be logged as a concern.

If you wait until the texts are overtly sexual then it could well be too late.

BrendaandEddie · 29/11/2015 08:50

OP, do take your time to do what is right for you all.

Mumsnet invariably does like a speedy response.

Sansoora · 29/11/2015 08:54

I think the EX is in a relationship with the woman and the initial text was meant for him and not the OP's son.

Subsequent texts are the woman getting ahead of her by trying to show the OP's ex that she'd really nice.

OP's ex probably gave her the number whilst thinking there's no way she'd contact the boy.

differentnameforthis · 29/11/2015 09:21

It doesn't matter that you believe fewer women groom children than men, they still do it.

There is a possibility that that is what is happening here, there is a possibility that it isn't.

Doesn't mean op should dismiss it. I know a male who was sexually abused as boy, by a woman. He never talks about it. His own brother, who was also abused & has blocked it out, refuses to believe it happened to them.

i don't agree with the trend of posting ' triggering'. Then don't post using "triggering" but leave those who want to do so be, it isn't up to you to decide what people can & can't use.

OP, grooming isn't a sexual practice. Grooming is installing yourself into a child's life as an adult to be relied on, trusted. As PP said, they get to know their hobbies, watch their programmes, so they can create common ground. They act like the child is the most important person in the world to them, ..which the constant morning contact would achieve, the offer of being there to "talk about anything" is about building trust, making the child feel special. The methods used to reel a child in can be completely innocent looking in isolation, but put them all together, it can be more sinister & worrying.

The above is essentially reeling in the child. Becoming a trusted adult, a cool adult, an adult who understands when mum & dad doesn't! Once reeled in, and trusting, the child doesn't immediately worry about the [sexualised] actions, because the adult cares about them, and wouldn't hurt them...

I think the EX is in a relationship with the woman and the initial text was meant for him and not the OP's son. Except the woman went on to say "now you have my number you contact me if you need to, about anything at all ok?xxx" so no, I don't think it was intended for op's ex at all.

Senpai · 29/11/2015 09:27

Don't underestimate the police opinion of grooming OP. They will not dismiss you out of hand, and even if they don't want to pursue it, it will be logged as a concern.

Except, she is but one parent. If exDP comes forward and says it's fine and she has his permission to text him, then that's too bad for OP. The police unfortunately can't do anything unless a law is being broken. Until the messages are explicit, there's not much that can be done.

There's the other problem you're not considering. If exDP is seeing this woman (and OP does not have the right to know about this), OP is going to look like the ex from hell, while at the same time alienating herself from her child (the last thing she'd want if he is being groomed).

UnGoogleable · 29/11/2015 09:38

OP you're doing the right thing. Don't be pushed into contacting the police if you're not comfortable with it.

One thing that would concern me would be if your son gets wind of your suspicions over this woman, that he might start deleting her texts. Can you check his phone without raising his suspicions? I'd be wanting to keep a very close eye on this situation.

Evabeaversprotege · 29/11/2015 09:51

Op, as the mother of an 11-year-old boy myself, I can't understand why you're still procrastinating on a thread days after discovering inappropriate messages on his phone.

I'd have dealt with her long before now.

TabithaTwitchEye · 29/11/2015 09:54

Grooming IS a specific crime. Not saying one way or the other whether this is what's happening here. That's the police's job.

Singsongsungagain · 29/11/2015 10:25

Tabitha- I couldn't agree more. Report it and let them deal with it.

TheTigerIsOut · 29/11/2015 10:50

Oiledbegg, you shouldn't leave the things until you find something sexual, your child could be abused before you find something (if he is being groomed he will be asked to keep secrets).

I think you should contact the police for advice, just that, they should put you in contact with support organisations who can advise on the best way to deal with this, but in the meantime, if that woman is still texting him regularly you really need to get your though mummy hat and stop her now. The contact is inappropriate, the longer that you leave it, the more compleax the situation will become.

You are his mother, and you need to protect him, better to err on the side of caution than continue risking your son not to spite a woman who doesn't know she is bang out of order.

OVienna · 29/11/2015 10:58

Careful about relying on you ex to deal with this. He may suggest this. I agree that it would be a mistake to take any risks here by assuming it's all innocent. Not sure I would go to the police but definitely would be contacting her directly saying no further messages to DS and blocking her.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 29/11/2015 11:29

Your DS is away this weekend and you presumably have no access to his phone. You have no idea what she's sending him (and what he's deleting), yet you still don't want to act yet. Baffling.