Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find ex SILs behaviour spoilt and passive aggressive

318 replies

beltedmaisy · 27/11/2015 13:45

My DB works very hard and as ex SIL has no living family a lot of the childcare for their DS falls to our side, this is fine we are happy to have him and don't charge SIL. There has never been any animosity.

SIL has always bought birthday gifts for our family from DS and herself presumably by way of thanks for our help.

She has just been to our house dropping off Santa presents for DN as we have more room to hide them until Christmas eve and she also slipped us a gift set and asked if we could wrap it with DN and give it to him for him to give to her Christmas morning Hmm when questioned further she explained how he'd been a bit upset on her birthday which was a few weeks ago when his teacher asked if mummy had gotten anything nice.

AIBU to think it's not our responsibility, we're doing more than enough as it is and that the last thing a 5 year old is thinking about is a gift set for his mother? It's left a really bad taste in my mouth and makes ex SIL come across very passive aggressive!

OP posts:
thelouise · 27/11/2015 22:40

When everyone disagrees, someone cries "bully!!!" I know some posts have been below the belt but report them for personal attacks, rather than saying its bullying, which is so overused on MN.

Physcobitch · 27/11/2015 22:46

God you your mum and your DB all sound like genuinely nasty thoughtless people. Maybe if your mum wasn't so fiercely protective of her kids and allowed their faults to be pointed out then DN would have a gift to give to his mum on her birthday and Christmas. Cannot bare people who see 'their family' as never being in the wrong. Ex SIL has had a lucky escape I hope that 2016 she meets someone who will treat her and her son nicely and let them know THEY MATTER! This thread has really annoyed me tonight

ElderlyKoreanLady · 27/11/2015 23:04

I'm a single mum OP, though I'm lucky enough to have people who care for me and DD enough to buy and make me things from her for birthdays and Christmas. This thread has made me stop and think just how horrible it would be to lose those people and be in your exSIL's situation. She's bought the rubbishy present because what it is doesn't matter to her. What matters to her is that her child experiences the joy of giving.

I'll also point out that as she does more than 50% of the childcare, the person you actually babysit for is your DB. Only he doesn't have to do the asking because she's expected to fit her shifts around his.

If I were you, I'd have a long hard look at myself. Then I'd take DN to go and buy his mum something really worth having and wrap that with him. And I'd send DB an invoice for half the cost.

The lot of you need shaking. This is a single mum with no living family who's trying to do the best by her son. She receives no gifts off anybody for Christmas or birthdays because the only person who cares enough doesn't have the means to do it. She buys all of you presents from both her and her son. And when she buys herself something from her son and asks you to help him wrap it, you react by starting a nasty thread about it that I really hope she doesn't stumble across.

Sonnet · 27/11/2015 23:08

On the information you have given YABU

CalleighDoodle · 27/11/2015 23:09

This made me so mad and upset for her.

You are unreasonable.
Your brother is unreasonable.
This is not how families are supposed to behave.

Leelu6 · 27/11/2015 23:14

thelouise

I disagreed with OP on the first page of the thread. Hmm

However, I don't like seeing someone being kicked when they are down.

We may not have the full story, and this atmosphere doesn't make it condusive for OP to share it.

maddening · 27/11/2015 23:17

Whilst my fiancé and I are together we both work long hours - however arrange our hols to ensure that ds has one of us with him in school hols and both manage to organise presents - your brother sounds like a complete arse - of course he should try and arrange his hols around HIS ds and think about presents etc - in fact he should think about the presents from HIS ds to HIS family - it's no wonder exsil isn't extending her working hours as trying to parent when the other nrp does not see it as his responsibility towards his son I can't see how the mother can juggle ft work and make up for his lack of willingness to cooperate. You do the childcare as a favour to your brother and your nephew not for her - and if we're me and there was no help forthcoming then I would have moved back to where I had family and support - so your brother should be thankful that you provide enough support to make it worthwhile her staying in the area so he can have time with his ds when he sees fit.

Bogeybrains · 27/11/2015 23:21

That poor woman. She has no living family and despite her getting you gifts (you assume as a thank you but is also likely that she enjoys buying you gifts) and not one of you thought to get her a little something from her child. This makes me feel so sad. That little boy, sitting at school knowing his mummy had not had a birthday present Sad My little boys love giving their presents out. I would be feeling very embarrassed by her having to buy her own present, yes, it's not your duty but have a heart please even if only for your nephew's sake.

SisterMoonshine · 27/11/2015 23:33

I'm feeling so sad for this SIL too.
I'd love for the OP to come back and say they've read through the thread, watched some John Lewis ads and now realise how wrong they've been.

Fancy your SIL trying to fit her work around her exes days off.

SisterMoonshine · 27/11/2015 23:36

Purely out of curiosity, I'd like to know if the OP is a man.
And if they live with their mum.

kennyp · 27/11/2015 23:39

perhaps she's just having a no-one remembered my birthday, now it's christmas, woe is me type moment.

i am taking my kids to the pound shop tomorrow to buy my christmas presents. if they can't manage to wrwap them themselves i'll give them some value foil and tell them to use that instead. it's really tough being a single parent and perhaps she's just having a bad time at the moment and can't cope.

Mermaidhair1 · 27/11/2015 23:55

Are you serious?
You are the most unreasonable of them all.

PegsPigs · 27/11/2015 23:56

Maybe DN did choose it that's why it's s crappy chemist gift set. They tend to be sparkly and therefore eye catching to a 5 year old. YABU.

saoirse31 · 28/11/2015 00:01

The nastiest thing is the comment about how she buys you presents 'presumably to say thanks' for the babysitting... Cos god forbid you should consider her part of your family and therefore she'd be buying you presents for that reason.

You sound v unpleasant tbh, sorry.

Dollymixtureyumyum · 28/11/2015 00:09

What's the bet the Ex SIL was on here at some stage with a toxic inlaws thread about how how they worship her ex husband and he can do no wrong. Bet you all made her life hell Op of your thread is anything to go by.

MangosteenSoda · 28/11/2015 00:23

You are not looking after DN to help SIL, you are doing it for your DB who is 50% parent.

She doesn't owe you anything, but is nice and generous anyway. Shame it's not reciprocated.

ADishBestEatenCold · 28/11/2015 00:25

"the reason I find it so PA is that its an obvious dig at the fact we'd forgotten her birthday"

What obvious dig? You said in your OP that she simply asked if you could help her little boy wrap the gift set as his Christmas present to her, and that it was only "when questioned further" that she explained. Why on earth would you question such a simple and reasonable request.

"It's the martyr behaviour I find insulting" Confused

YABU (and you're not coming across very well in this) ...

"Also last week my DM asked when we were needed again and she named the day and said I'm really sorry I did try to organise my working days to be on DB days off, but you know how that goes. My DM is fiercely protective over all her sons and ex SIL knows a remark like that wouldn't go down well but of course DM said nothing as she doesn't like to rock the boat."

... (come to that, you're not painting your family in a very good light, either)

Anyway, I think you've probably gone, OP, and you don't strike me as the type to learn from this ... but I do sincerely hope that your ExSIL happens on this thread and learns what you all really think of her. I can't help but feel that it would be better for her son to have formal childcare, rather than be minded by your family.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/11/2015 00:54

Gee, OP hasn't come back? I wonder why. She's probably sitting somewhere with her DM and DB slagging all of MN off as a bunch of vipers and that we're all probably friends of her exSiL!

Duck90 · 28/11/2015 01:05

Belted - this is a really sad story of animosity towards ex sil. The thread hasn't gone well for you, please don't use this as a further reason to dislike sil. I worry that you may decide to withdraw help to care for the boy.

Children must be showen the benefit of giving as well as receiving. It's good for the soul.

FayKorgasm · 28/11/2015 09:05

This is one of the saddest threads I've seen here. This poor woman is clinging desperately to a family that don't care about her because she has no one else. Mean and nasty family at that.

How lovely it would be if she woke on Christmas morning to MN secret santa presents.

winewolfhowls · 28/11/2015 09:16

Fay, I would totally send a small present too

LuckyCornish13 · 28/11/2015 09:54

Eurgh, your brother reminds me of my ex/DSs dad. The first Mother's Day after we split up and he finally realised I wouldn't take him back not only did he completely ignore it- no card, present, text anything (not that I expected anything) but he texted me late on Sunday night to ask how my lonely Mother's Day had been and was I happy?

I very passive aggressively sent him a photo message back of the lovely flowers and card I'd received from DS

(My lovely DM and best friend knew ex was a twat had given them to me and said 15 month old DS had specifically phoned and asked for them for being the best mummy in the world Grin )

and that meant the absolute world to me.

I really feel for your exSIL, she was probably embarrassed having to ask you to help DS wrap her own (self bought) gift but would rather that than have her DS be upset

Learningtoletgo · 28/11/2015 10:16

I really hope your ex SIL meets a lovely new partner and has a loving supportive relationship. Sounds like she needs that in her life.

Deep down if I was her I'd be counting the months off to when I didn't have to rely on ex's family anymore.

Poor woman.

You don't come off looking very good in this situation OP, which is ironic as we've only heard your side of the story.

scalliondays · 28/11/2015 14:20

Chin up OP you still have a chance to redeem yourself. Think of us as Jacob Marley and yourself as - well Scrooge I suppose.... not sure if your sil will appreciate a large raw turkey on Christmas Day but you could take your dh shopping for other presents - maybe a nice poinsettia? invite her for lunch and be very kind to her from now on

seagreengirl · 28/11/2015 14:41

OMG I have never read such an awful thread. The OP does, what it sounds like, lots of free childcare for the SIL, yet she has been called all the names under the sun for complaining about a rather pointed remark.

The SIL is now a saint and the OP is an evil bitch. Surely it is her ex husband that the SIL should have been directing her remark at, not the person that helps with her childcare.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Swipe left for the next trending thread